h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lizard, if your gut keeps rumbling like that I'm going to take you to the vet.

*Rumbling sounds again with a clear pipelike quality*

Oh, sorry.

* munches contentedly on another olive and ruminates.*

What shall we do today? Do you want to go to the market and shop for tourist crap? Or we could go look at old things. We could even open the bar and try to make some money. Maybe then we could have something besides olives for breakfast. Maybe we could even phone the plumber.

*Fish wonders if three weeks is too soon for the honeymoon to be over, as the early onset of nagging would seem to indicate.*

Do you:
Continue to eat in silence fantasising about that sleek halibut you met in the harbour last week? Press Reply.
Decide that the 's nagging means that she is posessed and run out for a priest? Press Reply
Elbow the back to his own breakfast and give him a stern glare? Press Reply
Agree meekly to one or all of the fish's suggestions? Press Reply
Get worked up about the remote possibility that the plumbing is fine and the distant rumbling is really a fresh hell approaching? Press Reply.

!! Sod off.

Well, dear. *clears throat* Tell, me do you know any...priests? No? Just wondered. No, just wondered. No, just wondered.

For christ's sake stop nagging me!

*silence. glares in outrage*

Sorry honey. I'm just concerned that this could be a fresh hell approaching. Let's go shopping for old things. Then let's go and look at some tourist tat. We could try and find another and then breed for a living.

Or we could try and find a barbarian tourist to visit us.

Do you:
Write a shopping list? Press reply
Eyeball the in a speculative fashion? Press reply
Look up 'Barbarians' in the phone book? Press reply
Suggest selling homemade taramasalata? Press reply
Sling on your headscarf and storm out in a huff? Press reply
Slap her? Press reply

All you ever think about is that sheep. Sheep and shopping. No wonder we're so poor we have to eat olives for every meal. I'll not stand for it any more!

*Fish slaps lizard, slings on a headscarf and storms out.*

That'll teach her, no good lizard. I should have guessed she got fat fat by being horrendously lazy.

*fish storms all the way to the market before her temper subsides. Only then does she realise that the rumbling noise has been following her and is getting gradually closer.*

Oh Crap.

*fish looks desperately around and spots the source of the rumbling. It is the fishwife, a huge slab of thickly muscled northern woman and she's sitting atop a steam roller with madness in her eyes and a fat bruised lesbian in the passenger seat!*

Ohcrapohcrapohcrap.

*The fish looks around for somewhere to hide from the ex she jilted so cruelly. All she can see are the unhelpful faces of old greek women wearing more black than a nunnery washing line. She backs away till she can back no further.*

Ohcrapohcrapohcrapimgonnadie. LIZARDY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*gulp*

Do you:
Continue with breakfast, muttering about how hard done by you are? Press Reply.
Hear the distant sounds of commotion and start a fresh panic attack. Press Reply.
Watch in bewilderment as the sheep leaps up and dashes out after the fish? Press Reply.
Start experimenting with olives squeezed to make olive juice? Press Reply.

Fine, you do that. See if I care. B***h.

I see that rumbling's dissappeared. Seems to be heading towards the market. I wonder what it is.

I wonder when she's coming back. Maybe I'll just take a peek out the door, see if I can see her.

Godamnit, that steamroller's in the way.

*see's a glint in the distance*

What?

Oh no!

THE LESBIAN!!!!

y, animals, come with me...

We've got to rescue

AGAIN!!!

*runs through streets, over furious old women in black, under inconvieniently places carts. arrives in at the market, in time to see the steamroller approaching the fish with incaution*

Ohmygod, who the hell are you??

*The fishwife turns and stares, burning vile hate. The lesbian remains fat bruised.*

*whispers* Go on y, while she's not looking. Yes now. Whatd'you mean? Get the fish. The one we've been living with. Just go. NOW! NOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!! Arrrrgggghhhh go on..........

*fishwife throws her rolling pin to within an inch of 's life. swoops across and grabs said fish, taking a bit of a battering to it's flanks.*

That's grand. Now RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Do you:
Examine the properties of the inside of a 's mouth? Press reply
Fall to your knees(should you have knees)and vow nwver to treat your lizard so badly again? Press reply
Realise you love the fishwife, and leap from 's mouth? Press reply
Rock gently back and forth and gibber? Press reply

*Fish bounced along, wreathed in bovine spit and olive ridden breath. She could not help but think that there must be some cruel god watching over them. She wondered if they would be forever doomed to wander the globe in homeric penury and she wondered why the fishwife was still chasing them. But mostly she wondered if the 's breath was corrosive. And she itched. Damp smelly and itching with a fury known only to suffererors of thrush the fish waited for a sign that they had once again escaped.*

*The bouncing gradually slowed and the fish, having taken a moment to compose herself, banged on the back of the 's teeth.*

Where the hell are we now?

*outside the 's mouth the world is brighter. And fresher. The crazed dash has taken them outside the town and onto a long dirt road. There is not much in the way of scenery. To either side of the dusty road is a landscape of more dust and dry grass. Set a little way back from the road is a small shrine to the virgin Bethanie. The road is very long and flat. Behind it meets the town just fled from, ahead it dissapears into the distance. A cloud of dust on the horizon suggests that someone else is on the move this fine day.*

Hmm.

*Fish considers her options then sits and rocks back and forth gibbering a little.*

That's better. Now, what shall we do next?

Do you:
Prey at the altar? Press reply
Destroy the altar? Press reply
Hide behind the altar till the dust cloud/vehicle has passed by? Press reply
Wait for the dust cloud/vehicle and chance hitching a lift? Press reply
Tactfully suggest that the fish might want to take a bath soon? Press reply
take advantage of all that dust? Press reply

Gosh. That wasn't fun. Fish, I don't know how you've got covered in cow spit, but for god's sake wash it off. Urgh. Uh.

Right, I think perhaps the troubls in our lives are due to lack of devotion. ANd lo, there is a shrine right there. Let's get praying.

*looks down the long thin narrow straight dusty road at the bubbling dust cloud flying her way.*

Lets pray from behind. It's an altar all the way round.

What religion are you? Really? No, I'm a Reptilian. Mmm, yeah. Sloughing.

*adopts generic religious position, to rear of generic religious structure. Begins a gentle humming.*

Will you:
Join the lizard to pray for your mortal soul? Press reply.
Join the lizard to hide from the advancing dust? Press reply.
Tell her to not be so paranoid, and flag the approaching dust? Press reply.
Buy a 4ft halberd and a flask of oil? Press reply.
Attract lizards attention to a small but perfectly formed hole, behind the alter, right by the lizard's feet? Press...

Divine being and body of light, shower your wrath upon all that is unholy, including any or all of the above, may they rot in hell. Bless thee and bless me most humble servant *holy supplication. holy stumble. holy falling. holy distant scream.*

...too late.

*Fish stares at the hole in the ground and listens to the fading screams of the lizard. She sits and stares some more. She is not thinking, just staring.*

whimper

*the dust cloud approaches and gradually forms itself into an ostrich which stops and stares at the fish.*

Oh shoo. What good can you possibly be your eye is bigger than your brain.

*the ostrich continues to stare at the fish.*

Oh bloody hell. Down I go.

The and the ostrich stare after the fish, listening to her screams fading away, much as the lizard's did. They look at each other then the sheep jumps after her.

A few moments later the ostrich follows.

Moments after that the hole closes.

*whimper*

*The light, such as it is, wakes the tangled lizard, such as it is. A flickering eyelid reveals a flickering eye. And a flickering tongue snakes out.*

Fish?

*It is dark, cold, prone to damp. In all the world, your pursuers will not find you here. And, as you call out to the companion of your heart, all you hear is silence.*


Meanwhile, the fish is falling...


...and if you're falling, all you can do is land.

ohcrapohcrapohcrap

THUMP

Squaaaaark

THUMP

*The fish waits nervously and somewhat breathlessly from beneath the ostrich. The sounds of falling fail to appear.*

Phew. For the love of lizard get off me. Now where are we.

*Fish looks around, but there is not much to see. It is dark, cold and damp. The air smells of flaming torches and old blood. A young woman in skimpy but practical clothes runs past with pistols drawn and dissapears into the gloom. Occasionally gunshots sound in the* distance.*

How odd. But where's my lizard.

Lizard?

LIZARD?

*ard ard ard*

Right. Come here ostrich, she can't be far.

*Fish mounts up and hesitates, undecided between the two directions available. Another burst of gunfire sounds and the fish quickly points the ostrich in the other direction. They ride off with fish calling for her lizard forlornly every so often.*

The fish, still atop the ostrich, in the cold dark caves has become covered in a thin layer of dust. Apathy has set in but she still calls for her lizard every few seconds though her voice is hoarse and almost inaudible. The ostrich droops as she plods slowly through the caves. Even the sound of gunfire has faded as the weeks has passed. The plucky young lady has probably escaped to sip champagne in her luxury mansion and await her next exciting adventure (under the sea)

'I don't think we're ever going to see lizardy again, ostrich.

Sigh.

'Is this hell'

But the ostrich never answers, only plods hopelessly on.

Cold. Damp. Dark. No-one has passed through this treacherous cavern in which lizard has lain for so long. Battered and bruised, having fallen for so many minutes. Through the long hard winter, foraging on roots, starving, seeing her love at every turn, the lizard survived.
But there were hard times. Once, starving, she almost gave up hope. The image of the fish had faded from her mind, she felt close to death. She closed her eyes...
...and swiftly opened them again at the sound of gunshots. That tarty woman who passed through some weeks ago was trailing back through with an improbable item.Who knows what would have befallen lizard had she not judiciously hauled herslef into a position to trip the runner. She stumbled, and was set upon by a badly rendered woolf. Lizard had food for a month.

And now it is spring, and lizardy is lonely. And she lays down her head. And she can hear echoes through the tunnels.

Someone is calling her name...

*Suddenly, through the darkness, Speckly heard a miraculous sound; the voice of her beloved skink calling out to her. At first she thought it must be yet another cruel phantom bourne out of hunger and despair but unlike any of the other times that she had been taunted by ghostly echos of her beloved's voice this time the ostrich seemed to hear it too.*

Skwark?

*The fish clung desperately to the idiot bird's back, too stunned to even call out. The ostrich looked for a moment at the quivering fish then trotted off purposefully. They rounded a new corner...*

lizardy!!!!!

fishy!!!!!!!!!! Oh, my beloved you look so undernourished, here, there's still a little meat around this thigh bone.

*unnoticed by fatty or speckly who are fully absorbed with petting and cooing, the ostrich is scratching among the remains of the once plucky adventuror. From among the mouldering bones the ostriches head emerged clutching an improbable talisman.*

Will you:
Throw delicate feminine bones at the ostrich till she drops the talisman? Press Reply
Ignore the ostrich and pet and coo with the fish some more? Press Reply
Eye the ostrich hungrily, paying especial attention to it's meaty drumsticks? Press Reply
Ignore the talisman altogether and mount up with the fish to try and find a way out? Press Reply

Can this truly be? Fishy, dear sweet fishy. All my months of woe ended? Oh, thank you, I'd missed that bit.

I see you have transport. Oh look, what a pretty necklace. No I'm sure that ancient writing is just for decoration, and is in no way a dire warning to anyone foolish enough to take it. This poor bi*ch seemed quite trustworthy.

Aren't these bones delicate and feminine?

Come on, I think there's a lever hidden in the corner. It must open some kind of exit. She came in and out at will, after all. Help me up, fishy, I'm kind of faint.

*And so onto the ostrich they climbed, and set off*

By the way, where's y?

*fish waits patiently. waits impatiently. glares a little*

Oh I see, my go.

I haven't seen y at all. It must have landed somewhere else.

No, I did not eat the sheep. I'll thank you to know that I survived on litchen and brackish water and I'll thank you not to disagree with me in that way. Hmph.

*As the ostrich pulled the lever there came the sound of many traps arming*

Um, maybe we should take a closer look at those decorative writings?

*the ostrich stepped happily into the trap filled chamber somehow managing not to be hit by any of the poisoned arrows, rolling boulder traps, falling floors or distressingly noisy mechanised blades.*

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGH

Ungungump

*the fish and lizard clung to each other as they improbably survived each fresh assault*

y would never have been this stupid. Stupid bird. Why did we have to come in here.

Do you:
Glare at the fish and remind her just how unhelpful you find her when she complains incessantly when she isn't screaming deafeningly? Press Reply
Join the fish in a rousing round of screaming and complaining? Press Reply
Daringly snatch a suspiciously green tipped dart from the air, saving your companion from certain death? Press Reply
Sit tight and hope that the traps end soon and a savespace appears? Press Reply
Jump from the ostrich trusting your diminutive size and resistance to poison to save you?
If so do you:
Pull the fish down with you?
Leave thhe fish to take her chances with the ostrich and serve her right for scraming in your ear like that? Press Reply

*Whump. Crumblecrumblecrumble. Wallop.*

Come on come on come on!!! Fishy wiggle those fins!

*Phut. Phut. Phut. Phut.*

Poisonous, they're poisonous! Aargh! No, for god's sake, don't put them in your mouth!! Oh god no I've lived in a cave for six months and now I'm going to DIE.

THANK GOD YOU CAME!! Women. Birds.

*Rumblerumblerumble*

Aaaaarrrggghhh

*Slide. Slice. Fall. Faint purplish glow*

Oh! The beauty.

*Shrieking. Honking. Fish. Ostrich.*

Look!

Now how do we use this thing?

Do you:
Look for an X button about your person? Press reply
Look for an X button about the lizard's person? Press reply
Look for an X button about the ostri...no.
Weep in terror? Press reply
Harbour suspicions? Press reply
Want to know a secret? Press reply

*The fish sits and weeps in suspicious terror till the ostrich pecks her fin and snapps her out of it.*

An x we need an x...here's an x

Skwaaaaark

No, wrong x...an maybe this...

*The world turns sepia for a moment and when the colours come back on the floating purple thing is gone.*

Hmph. That was odd. Right, so we should try to get out of here then.

*The three of them look around around and spot two seemingly identical tunnels leading off of the cave.*

Lets go right.

*They mount up and ride into the tunnel.*

*Fwump. Clangclang. Squelch. Urgh*

*the fish, lizard and ostrich are standing back where they started.*

Right. Not that way then.

Do you:
Hyperventilate over your actual death experience. Press Reply
Try the other path. Press Reply
Search for a lever. Press Reply
kick a box or chair to see if it produces a glowey blue stake. Press Reply
Take a small medipack. Press Reply