h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

RE: suspicious co-worker

She is dressed in the right colour range. Maybe a bit casual, but you can't always tell by that.

What do you mean? In the right colour range? For homodom? Oh, she looks like *oneofusoneofus* all right. But is she breaking the dress code? Why hasn't she been sent home in a rain of spite?

Oh, that dress code...don't know...no denim in evidence. They're pretty leniant except for denim. Now her shoes should get her sent home.

Yes, that dress code. I didn't mean t'other. She should be wearing smart clothes, not clothes that make her look like she's off to a scaffy indie club. She v. lesbian.

Yeah, I thought it was quite funny. People in the West are rather terrified of death, and have sanctified it completely. The dying and dead are allowed no joy in their condition. There is humour everywhere, there has to e, otherwise the weight of it all comes down and crushes us. If you don't think about it with humour, then you don't think about it at all. And how can we begin to prepare for death in any form if we don't think about it?

Oh, and it's ok to glorify death as in war, and turn it into mass entertainment, but heaven forfend we should crack a smile.

Fatty

you should say that in the thread. Although, the comments have been pretty positive since the re-write. Must have been rather insensitive before.

'Ullo darlin'.

Wanna buy a puppy?

Come with me.

*Suspicious, scruffy lizard scuttles off into a dark alley.*

If you want to follow her, press reply. If you don't want to follow her, but badly want a puppy, press reply. If you don't want anything to do with her, press reply.

What will you do?

Fatty

*follows lizard into dark alley. Stubs finn on large wheely bin*

Have you got any kittens?

And how is it possible for you, a rather small, though rotund, skink, to be wearing such a big plastic mac...

*Will you reply politely to the fish and perhaps offer her a free kitten, in which case press reply. Knock the fish unconscious and drag her further into the alley to perform unspeakable acts upon her, in which case press reply. Or hunch terrified where you are because you never expected her to follow you in here. Press Reply.*

I like macs, they're wipe clean.

I see you followed me, darlin'.

Feeling safe, or just stupid?

I see you don't want a puppy.

Just a *free* kitten.

Hmmmm.

Well...



I got s s s s s s s. Oh, and a couple o's

So, you interested? Or do I have to knock you unconscious and drag you further into the alley for unspeakable acts? Think about it. And even if you should choose a new best friend, and leave, don't think I won't follow you.

So, do you choose a new best friend, the leave? Press reply. Do you get knocked unconscious and dragged further into the alley for unspeakable acts? Press reply. Or do you want to know more about your new 'aquaintance'? Press reply.

Fatty

I think I should know more about you before I buy anything from your menagerie.

Oh, are those your running away over there?

Do you: panic and run after the ants? press reply;
get bored of the small talk and get on with the unspeakable acts right where you are? press reply;
tell the fish more about your seedy existence? press reply;
or
offer the fish a soothing ointment for her bruised fin... press reply.

Dammit!

They are my running away over there.

*Watches them leave*

I never paid for them anyway, met them in the corner of a pub one night.

I see you've bruised your fin. I do a nice side range of soothing ointment, halogen free. Should be able to find you a scale binder. And I can probably even match your shade. Yes?

What's a nice fish like you doing wandering the dark streets in the rain in the early hours of a Sunday morning in Paris? Hey?


If you answer the long and involved scene setting query, press reply. If you want the ointment, providing you trust the reptile, press reply. If you want something else to happen, press reply.

*The fish mournfully watches the last run away.*

What a shame. I've always wanted an ant farm.

Paris? I thought we were in Yardley. Are you a magic lizard?

Never mind.

I was just out for a walk, I so love the rain. And there's an evil fishwife waiting for me at home.

Is that stranger hidden suspiciously over there in the shadows with you?

Will you Peer into the shadows knowing that this could be a trick and the fish may not be all that she seems? Press Reply.
Ignore the possible stranger in the shadows to press the fish for more information? Press Reply.
Emit a small portion of gas? Press Reply.

Pardon me. I needed that.

You think we're in Yardley? You've taken a hell of a wrong turn, girlie.

I'm sorry about the fishwife. I'm all alone.

I never put anyone in the shadows.

*Peers nervously, one eye still on the fish*

I can't see anyone. Who do you think it may be? You're not on the run,a re, you, cos that ain't cool. I've got to keep my nose clean, my head above water. My face out of suspicious mounds of goo.

You're not leaving, are you? Not that I mind, mind. It sure is nice having someone to regard with suspicion. I could find you more s. Or you could have one of theses.

Do you wish to check out the shadows together? Press reply. Or throw the fat lizard into them? Press reply. Or suggest those unspeakable acts? Press reply.
Or do you want to go for a moonlit walk with a lizard and several thousand assorted animals? Press reply.

*Frowns worriedly*

So we're deffinitely not in Yardley. That explains all the men with big noses and why everyone is speaking foreign. I thought that was just the Yardley accent. I did fall asleep on the train...just after the tea trolley came round. Perhaps the mysterious stranger in the shadows can tell us how I got here.

*the stranger in the shadows makes a for it. The fish and lizard watch as the srtanger looks back over his shoulder and runs into a wheely bin. The stranger slumps to the floor. The relieves itself.*

That was odd.

Do you:
Chance turning your back on the fish to go find out who the mysterious stranger is? Press Reply.
Repeat your offer to tend to the fish's injuries. Press Reply.
Speculate madly about the fish's presumed abduction. Press Reply.
Clean up the soiled sheep. Press Reply.

GOD HONESTLY. *scowls* are mor trouble than they're worth. Here
*Throws a bucket of water over the *

So you fell asleep on the train? *shakes head* I suppose you'll need some help. Are you sure your fin is okay? I can help. I'm a genuine herbalist. They're very tasty.

Anyway. Stop here.

*walks over to groaning stranger. scutles onto groaning strangers bald head, examining closely*

I'm going to give it a good kick in the proclivities, then we'll find somewhere a bit more nicer. We are in Paris, after all.

*administers kick.*

Oh, it's not a suspicious stranger after all. It's only a lesbian. Come on then, fish, what do you want to see.

Do you want to find the Eiffel Tower? Press reply. Do you want to find that French pro you had a memorable night with during the war? Press reply. Do you want to swim in the Seine? Press reply. Or can you no longer ignore the rumbling from your obese friend's gut, and suggest dinner? Press reply

*the lizard ministers to the fish with assorted apothecaryness. *

Thanks that's much better, but I'm still not sure I should trust you. I've been abducted by a mysterious bald lesbian who is going to wake up in a raging strop with an aching proverbial, I've no way to get home and I only just met you. And you want to take in the sights.

Plus you smell of wet wool.

*glares at the dripping who looks sheepish*

I think I should go find the police...

*starts edgeing out of the alley*

Do you:
Plead with the fish and sacrifice the to prove your good intent? Press Reply.
Threaten the fish? Press Reply.
Cajole the fish perhaps reminding her of the kittens? Press Reply.
Let the fish go but sigh theatrically and hope that she takes pity on you and changes her mind? Press Reply.

DON'T GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm so nice, please pleae let me come with you, I've got all these kittens *mow*

I don't care about the , they don't like lizards anyway. And Paris is so nice at night, and look, there's a moon. And it wasn't my fault you got abducted and thought you were in Yardley. I'll even help you phone your fishwife, code's 0044.

I won't hurt you, I'm just a seriously overweight skink, I coundn't even catch you if you ran away. And I bet you don't speak French.

Please

*Flings herself to the floor, and starts sobbing noisily.*

don't goooooo

Will you listen to her pleas, and stay? Press reply
Offer her an absorbant item for her mucus? Press reply
Make a scene? Press reply
Try and start a conga line? Press reply

*Music strikes up in the background*

I see the moon...

I suppose it is a nice night. And I'm not sorry to be away from the fishwife. I suppose I could stay a little longer.

Here dry yourself on this
*hands the lizard a *

So where so you want to take me? I've heard that sacre coeur is nice.

But you'd better not try anything...these fins can kill you know.

Do you:
Supress your histerical laughter at the threats of the completely unthreatening fish? Press Reply.
Dry yourself on the ? Press Reply.
Scuttle to a new and interesting location with the fish in tow? Press Reply.
Presume to ask the fish her name or tell her yours? Press Reply.

Mmmm, thank you little fish. What a warm .

*scutles off, safe in the knowledge that the fish will follow*

So, why don't you want to go home to the fishwife? Having a bad time?

I suppose you must be if you want to take a romantic stroll with a strange lizard. Lucky you ended up in Paris, I suppose.

*ambles along happily*

So, what's your name, little fish?

Want to give her a smack for being so presumptuous? Press reply
Want to kiss her, she is rather attractive? Press reply
Want to count every star in the sky? Press reply
Want to be a hippy? Press reply
Want to cry? Press reply

*looks up but can't see any stars because of the smog and rain clouds. follows the lizard *

My name's Speckly. The fishwife doesn't treat me very well. I don't want to talk about it. It's such a nice night, so damp and dark, like a fishtank in a cupboard with no lights.

Oh look there's a man with an acordian and a dancing And an ethnic seller. How quaint.

Do you:
Stop and buy a hoping this will encourage the fish to you? Press Reply
Ignore the fish's inane babbling and carry on walking? Press Reply.
Stop at an all night patisserie and buy some and ? Press Reply.
Throw at the who is following at a discreet distance? Press Reply.

Sod Off

I am sorry about him.


Lets have a . And a . Or .

I'm sorry you don't want to talk about it. Perhaps a night at an insect infested cheap little hotel will make you feel better. You don't have to use your real name.
My name's Fattylizard. But you could have guessed that. Wnat to go for a scuttle?

Oh. Here

Do you follow the lizard for a scuttle? Press reply
Do you leave the lizard and spend the night with the instead? Press reply
Do you eat the rose? Press reply
Do you recognise the woman in the doorway as that French pro you spent a memorable night with during the war? Press reply