h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lancelot Bayliss, the court finds you to be a witty, charming, elegant, suave, sophisticated, cultured gentleman extraordinaire.

The court also finds that you, sir, have been wronged by others and despite the fact that you are no longer returning to us then may we award you a cup of and a slice of for your trouble.

We trust that you are well and able in this day?

If not then we offer our most sincere apologies for your loss and we offer any of the services that this court can provide to make your life this day, this hour more enjoyable for you.

As for this trial, you are charged with being an innocent gentlemen wronged by treachery of others, we do not tolerate such behaviour, therefore the accused shall be freed from his imprisonment and granted full liberties and the others will be hunted down formerly reprimanded by watch in order- The Time Monster, Time and the Rani,The Twin Dilemma and Timelash forever!

Case closed!

Good (yester)day to you your Countship! I take it you are well?

I noticed, upon my brief return to the BBCi boards a few days ago (for 1 post only, you might say), that Nishita Whassisface was still there, and still posting that I had somehow managed to be rude to him/her/it long before that "fateful Thursday", of which I freely admitted to having gone a bit overboard. I admitted it, fair a square as was the man that I am. Of course, this led to one thing and another, and I now feel very strongly that I can't return.

Sorry that you have to hear all this again, but that's how it is. Feel free to keep Emailing me though.

Nowadays, I am not a number (7580-odd)... I am a FREE MAN!

Take care,

Lance

'No one escapes the system!' squeaked the sinister sounding man in the sixties bubble chair as he pressed a button in the arm of his chair.

'Not even number 75801' he added coldly spinning around to look at a vast screen where Lance was sitting in a cafe sipping tea with Nibbles.

Suddenly a vast white beachball rolled into view and then it launched itself at him, as it deflated surrounding its prisoner it retracted itself.

He awoke on an interrogation bed with a tight fitting black blazer on while a white bubble cahair swivelled around displaying the evil master present, number two was present on his lapel as he climbed from his chair and advanced.

'You think to escape the system number 7580? We caught you, dragged you back here to the Boards where you can explain your secrets to us all. TALK!' spat number two towards the confused looking prisoner who now noted the badge attached his blazer, he opened his mouth and uttered hazily: 'Eep?'

Meanwhile as Lance straightened up from under the table, retriveing his sugar spoon he noticed Nibbles' absence.

'Nibbles?' he called pleasantly over his shoulder looking around him. Sensing no such trouble he shrugeed and and sipped his tea unaware of Nibbles' predicament.