h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Right, well I need to pack my bags for my holidays (2 weeks today!) but Easyjet don't have a clue about my needs.

I need to smoke, hence I need some source of ignition for my boxes of cheap cigarettes. So let's look what the website says!

"Flammable liquids and solids such as lighter or heater fuels, paint, and matches (except one box of matches or one cigarette lighter as provided below)."

Right, so I can take a box of matches or one lighter? *trundles off to see what exactly is provided below*

"Please note that passengers are not allowed to carry "strike anywhere" matches or disposable lighters under any circumstances. This applies to both hold and cabin baggage.
Conditions of Carriage Article 9.1(b)"

So I can't take a single box of matches or a lighter then?

Arrrgh! My brain!

And where does my pressurised deoderant go? Hold or Hand? Bearing in mind I won't be taking any hand luggage that won't fit in my pockets.

Somebody help me!

Psyc.

And what's the French for 'Ten cigarettes and a lighter please?'

relax, psyc, you can get all you need in france: it's not outer mongolia!

lighter = briquet (bree-kay)
matches = allumettes
10 fags = dix (brand) s'il vous plait
look for signs like two red cones put together, with or without the word "tabac". that means they sell cigarettes.

you might want to rethink your baggage strategy. i never check anything; all carry on. in and out of the airport faster, never any lost or damaged bags. also, remember you'll have to lug your stuff around with you (that's why it's called luggage); one of the keys to a pleasant vacation is travelling light. if you use the old noggin, you'll be surprised how much you can fit into 9" x 14" x 22".

I was thinking about that, but my rucksack's one of those things I never travel about, and it's got a bit of modification work on it so it's more secure than anything I could buy.

I suppose it's just one of the quirks I have. I always go by the mantra "You can only get as far as your boots and bag will take you." so having something I know I can depend on gives me an extra piece of mind. It's a Scouting thing...

Ok, I worked for the Royal Mail, so I know that to keep a job you have to be irritatingly stupid. Much like the rules to do with the Royal Mail.

So I go to the Post Office, fill in my E111 form for travel insurance:

Me "Here you go"
Faceless Moron "So you're 19"
M "No, 18. 19 in September."
FM "You need to be 19 to fill this in if you're a student. You'll need a parent to fill it in."

So let me get this staight. I'm old enough to vote, pay taxes, drink alcohol, get married, smoke, have sex, BUT I have to get my dad to fill in a form to get basic travel insurance because I stayed in Higher Education?

Where's the f*****g logic in that? Someone explain it!

in france, staying in school means your parents get government aid longer, that you are covered by social security under their account number longer, etc.

otherwise you need some other status to be eligible for health insurance, either a job where you contribute to health insurance yourself, or being on unemployment rolls, or something like that

See, if that was the case over here I'd understand, but all my family allowance etc stopped being paid to my parents on my 18th birthday.

I suspect that that's bull$h!t, if you're 18 in the UK you have reached the age of majority and so you are legally an adult and responsible for yourself.

I did point that out to the faceless moron...

Over here once you're 18 your parents stop having to do any of that stuff. You can still go under their car insurance and health insurance etc but you can also take out any of your own stuff and fill out all your own forms...

Speaking of 18 year olds, my brother turns 18 in under a month... That's so scary...

psyc, pointing things out to pointy-headed morons is...pointless. and often counterproductive.

i try always to remember dad's motto: don't tell 'em to go to hell, just let 'em.

That's a good point...

Although last night I did get pulled away from a bouncer in Rockworld when I was pointing out that throwing my mate out for breaking a plastic beaker (because it was going to be re-used apparently, scruffy gits) made him a total dickhead and that he had a fairly dubious ancestry with regards to the exact species of his mother....

Is everyone getting stupider?