h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi there, we met on the abuse thread; in fact I am planning to email you on this side of things. Meanwhile, on to more pleasant topics!

Great recipe for chai; I love all things from this neck of the woods, having lived for a couple of years in Pakistan!

I'm also a writer, artist & a bit of a musician too now, having just started playing bass with a friend, unfortunately she too is yet another survivor; she channels her pain into incredible songs; one of the most poignant is simply called "abused".

It is probably not surprising that several of my hootoo friends have also been around on this thread, or the survivors group, as my RL friend says , when she first met me, she looked in my eyes & thought "uh oh, this one knows too!"; eventually we find each other, hopefully we can try & help each other.

Anyway, do feel free to come & have a lurk around my space, lots of interesting people there, all very friendly & supportive, if somewhat as you might expect! We tend to meet up on whatever the latest "eyes" thread is on my journal space, do come & say hi!

Terri.

Hi Terri,

Thanks for you message and glad you visited. Did you get the poem I left called "I remember how you waited until dark."? In case you didn't get it, here it is again. It happened yesterday morning. It is amazing how the serendipity of these connections work: for the last week or so I have been feeling very "stuck" in work, and also in energy, all sorts of weird things in the spine, apparently releasing. Then a spam website thumb-pic, porn of course, popped up in my email, and the image really hit something hard ( where most of the images that come in porn-spam are wearying, tedious, and irritatingly time-consuming, just in the endless click-deleting as they come up the screen. ) And then I read Krispy's Guide Entry, and then my friend remarked in a phone converstaion that I was seeing these distressing porn images with the eyes of an eight-year-old child, and everything fell into place, a huge release/relief, resulting in the enclosed poem, which I have sent to my abuser. But yes, like is drawn to like, especially where emotional history is concerned. So thanks again for your support. Email me at : antodob (at) oceanfree.net.

I REMEMBER HOW YOU WAITED

I remember how you waited until dark
And then came softly softly up the stairs
Being the boogey man, for you a game,
For me a swift negation of my prayers.

Does it surprise you, after all these years
That I remember how you waited until dark
To throw my door back with a savage growl,
More frightening than that bulldog in the park?

Do you remember too, how I looked up
To your prowess, in awe of all your skill?
As I remember how you waited until dark,
The apprehension of it haunts me still.

You never tired of taunting, teasing me
The truth is as unpleasant as it's stark -
Your games embraced your sexuality.
I remember how you waited until dark.

It wasn't long, once Mary'd gone away,
Before you tried to use me as a mate.
I remember how you waited until dark
To show me things I quickly learned to hate,

Things that to this day I just can't forget.
As I remember how you waited until dark,
The heat of you, the smell, the taste, the sight,
Have left an ineradicable mark.

I remember how you waited until dark
To make me hold you, stroke you, "do the trick"
In bed, or bath, you'd tell me, "Don't stop now, don't stop!"
To my small fist you felt so huge and thick.

You came, it stuck to me. Confusion, shame,
When I remember how you waited until dark
And said we'd play your special secret game.
You, whom I adored, said, "It's just a lark."

In time the fear receded, not the guilt,
And not the sense of something out of key.
As I remember how you waited until dark
Before you'd come and play your game with me.

But over all these years, you've never said a word -
No hint of grief, remorse, regret - not one remark
To indicate the part you played. You left me scarred.
So I remember how you waited until dark.

Yes, I saw the poem yesterday; very moving. I am actually amazed it got through the censorship bit since they seem to be ultra-sensitive at the moment; stiil, I suppose words are somehow seen as less likely to have an effect than images; which is not true in so many cases.

Do you expect your abuser will reply? Are you prepared for this possibility?

In my case, my experience was totally different & there is no possibility of my ever confonting them since they are dead; if the heaven & hell bit did by any chance exist, they would surely find out what I had to go through & you too.

Whatever. I don't want to go too deeply into it now, both because I don't feel this is necessarily the right sort of forum for too much personal anguish to be aired (and I am very aware that young people can access this site); also on a personal level, I have to almost "ration" myself in dredging up the bad stuff; I absolutely MUST keep forging ahead with the fact that I will NOT let the evil of the past totally mess up my outlook on the present & the future. Thes monsters cannot be allowed to win. We are the strong ones, they are the weak ones now.

What sort of work do you do?

Where did you get the chai recipe?

Sorry to hear you are being plagued by porno spam! Is there no way you can get some sort of fiter thing put on?

When I do email you, I will make it plain it's me & not something horrible.

take care,

Terri

Hi, Terri,

and thanks for your kind thoughts.

No, I don't expect he will reply, because he never has. Even when we spoke face to face, he could not/would not acknowledge the fact that what he did had affected me. And yes, maybe this forum is too open to vulnerable young people who might not benefit from our airing our wounds in public. We have to balance that against the possible help to those in the hootoo community who will feel supported by knowing they're not alone.

I have already benefitted hugely from the kind words of several participants, including youself.

The chai recipe was one I evolved over time after a couple of visits to India.

I am a potter, and now I must get back to the pots.

Cheers,

Ciao,

Chia.

I did not want to interrupt another convos where you had that poem posted. Powerful poem.

Very interesting your abuser called at this time. I love those moments of syncronicity(sp) No mistake indeed, so often things come when we are ready, as you said elsewhere.

I waited nearly all my life to find my twin. I found her at the perfect moment for BOTH of us. I have been thankful for the timing in that, as many other things.

Hi Abbi,

Your twin? Tell me the story.

Chai

My page is scattered with details if you are curious about more.

We (twiiny) were seperated at 5 1/2 and reunited at 43
I did not know if she was even alive between 10-40 but I felt her.

We went into the same childrens home but I had TB & then polio. I was not able to be a resident. We saw each other just before we were adopted. She would not speak and hid her face, we were told we'd never see each other again. She was very confused the last time I'd seen her. We were both told the other did not exist. WE both thought differently and eventually guilt at seeing us beg strangers seperately ,& continuously open a door just wide enough.

We were neglected which you become thankful for, when adults were there, abuse happened. There were 11 of us kids. Our mother was mentally ill.

After six there was no family sex abuse, but other forms. My new mother was also mentally ill. She returned me twice, to an empty house, alone and cold for days.

At 6 just after joining a new family I was kidnapped by a sexual predator. The bio family was suspected but not the guilty party.

At 9 1/2 my younger brother(one of a twin set) was murdered by his adoptive parents. We were neighbors, I found out at school.

I am no stranger to difficult issues. The traumas did not stop at 10 years of age but the worst of it was over.

My dear Abbi,

I am stunned by your story. I had not gone looking at your page, so I had no idea what was behind it. What you have gone through! What you have survived! What a testament your story is to human courage. I am in awe.

Humbly,

CHaiwallah

I love reading your writing. I was just going to tackle the topic of selfishness and healing on the abuse thread you have. You did well, there was nothing I could add!

I added you to my friends because of daily dose of your writing is a GOOD thing I also am very interested in your list of friends writings. I hope it is not an intrusion but a compliment on what you all have to say.

Dear Abbi, I am touched.

If I may, I will reciprocate by adding you to my list of friends too. As I said somewhere, I think on the abuse thread, this is a wonderfully caring and supportive community. A daily dose is virtually an addiction for me. I also find the mixture of anonymity and intimacy an amazingly alluring cocktail. I can't think of any other way that it can be achieved. By the same token, I can see why "internet romance" can be so disastrous. There is so much we don't know about each other, and have to take on trust. But one gets, I hope, quite a clear indication of where people are coming from by their attitudes.

Here is a poem I wrote last year, about healing, in the deepest sense. It's just called "Yes."

YES

Yes, let your heart take flight
on soaring rose-dawn wings
abandoning to delight
all temporary things.

The many disappear
like clouds before the sun.
Fly, through the gates of fear
into the fire of One.

Chai

PS. It seems I had already added you to my list of friends. I'm getting both senile and confused. Well, anyway, I'm really proud to have you on my list. Thanks for all your kind words.
C

Thank-you for your warm welcome and interest.

I like your poem (above post) it's of course another large issue with me! The temporary vs the timeless

It's another great h2g2 day
I agree with you;
"anonymity and intimacy an amazingly alluring cocktail"
I would not have thought so, before experiencing it myself!

I think the important thing is to be firmly rooted in the temporary while exploring the timeless, hence daily meditation. Then, eventually, the timeless is a permanent accompaniment to the temporary, on the level of awareness/perception. It is not a matter of "remembering," or of having to think, "Oh yes, 'I' am timeless pure consciousness, eternal, unbounded, etc. etc.," a sense of the timelessness just seems to grow, like a feeling, an undercurrent to everything else.

Happiness developes out of this, because the temporary becomes no less "real" in terms of dealing with ordinary daily stuff, but it no longer has such an overpowering effect on one's mind, there is space to laugh, and to love, really to live.

Anonymity/intimacy?????? Like flirting in the dark? But safer than safe sex? Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

PS. My dear Abbi,

I just did something I should have done ages ago, when I first added your name to my list of friends, I checked out your personal space page, and my eye was caught by your Ankylosing Spondylitis thread. Which I therefore read.

Dear, dear Abbi, I am even more in awe of your astonishing courage and unshakeable spirit. Truly, truly humbled. Your flame warms my soul, your light dispells my shadows. Although Buddhism has shaped my outlook to some degree, I'm not much taken with the idea of past lives, or indeed future ones. There is enough to deal with here and now. But if "karma" and all that has any validity, you have taken a heroic bodhisattva's path, dealing with so much suffering with such dazzling fortitude.

On another area, that of "medical care," about seven years ago I produced a large, hard lump in my lower colon, which three doctors in a group practice all misdiagnosed. I was told I had irritable bowel, ulcerated small intestine, a possible unspecific growth, and so on. Meanwhile I lost a lot of weight, and was experiencing, on a daily basis, colonic sensations which ranged from moving broken bricks through to broken glass, or barbed wire and razor-blades. I was eventually sent to a specialist, in May, who said, and I quote," Of, it's only acute diverticulitis. It's a pity it isn't bowel cancer, that's much easier to deal with. This is a bit of a mess!!!"

Sorry, mate, I'll try harder the next time. So, I was called into hospital for a week for "tests" and a colonic biopsy on the lump ( by this stage about 10" long.)

Meanwhile, my wife, who is into various alternative therapies, suggested doing moxa reflexology on my feet. I would agree to anything at this stage, and so she started. Immediately I could feel a tingling sensation in the lump. By the time my turn had come to go into hospital, in June, the lump was gone!

The doctor came round with a flock of students to examine me. With the usual gentle, respectful touch one has come to expect, he whipped off the bedclothes, stripped off my pyjamas, poked around and said," Six weeks ago this patient presented with a large fibrous mass in the colon. I was planning a CT scan, but this is no longer necessary, as the mass appears to have gone. I shall, however, be doing a sigmoidoscopy and a biopsy, as planned......." End of story.

They decided, them doctors and surgeons, that half my colon should be removed, as I didn't need it anyway, and it would only cause worse problems in the future. They said there were four good reasons for the operation (1) I had adhesions to the bladder from the colon, so that (2) I was at risk of a fistula from the colon to the bladder - in otherwords, a leak. (3) my sigmoid colon was so badly damaged that I could have a colonic obstruction at any time, and (4) my diverticulitis was so severe, in that there were so many diverticulae (which are like mini-appendices ) that I could get an infection and peritonitis any time, which could kill me if I didn't get to a hospital within six hours!!!

So I asked, what should I do?

The surgeon said, "lose weight, and get fit, and we'll see you in September." So, I got back on my bicycle, got fit, didn't lose any weight,and kept having moxa treatments. That was seven years ago, and I still haven't had the operation!!!

In fact, my local GP met me after about a year and asked, "Have you had the operation yet?"
"No," I said.
"Oh really, you're looking very well," says he," don't bother having the operation"
"What???" says I," What about all those reasons I was given that it was an urgent neccessity?"
"Ah sure," says he, "it will only cause complications when you're older! You're better off leaving well alone."

The critical factor seems to be diet. I've always been mainly vegetarian, but the big change was finding that yeast was the real baddy. So, no yeast products, no chilli, no beer, nothing that irritates the poor old colon or risks infection.

I went to India in 2001 for the Mahakumbh Mela, and swam in the Ganges along with 2 -3 million other pilgrims. Utter bliss. My doctor said I was mad to go to India at all, and when he heard I'd swum in the Ganges, he was shocked. But b*gg*r that, you can't stop living because you might die.

Great happenings for you! I can imagine the shock of your Dr. when you told him you were swimming in the Ganges. The Dr. must have thought you were flirting with disaster and illness. When in reality it's that's the sort of desire that kept you going!

Ah sweet mysteries of life.

I recall being so happy a time or two that I'd said; I'm so happy I could die. Feeling for as long as I can remember; I'd needed to earn my life and have a good death. A good death; one where I was pretty much done doing the priorities I'd set while hopefully retaining integrity. The third time I was elated, it seemed an utterly ridiculous thing to say! I had after all survived a strike with lightning (the stricken tree hit me also)and a serious allergic reaction, since I had last said it.

Since then, I've said I'm so happy I can live!

I understand the gravity of your medical situation, amazing!

I worked in the medical field for 16 years. When I was doing CT scans, there was a man whom had an inoperable tumor in his pituitary gland. He always had a gentle smile, barely there. He was from Central or S. America. He practiced a kind of spirituality, did not believe in surgical interventions. I scanned him monthly. He would say; nah do not report to me progress, tell me when it is gone and wave bye. If I do not tell you first, he'd say He missed two appointments,I wondered. He showed up for the 3rd. It was gone,a 1-3% chance & unexplained.

Lightning through the top of my head split my skull and proceeded to start the demyelinating process. Hence De Myelin Nation A889194
Another near miss. Had 6 Dr. tell me I had thyroid cancer,with many complications. There were delays and eventually I had surgery. I told them just before ,I think it's gone. As far as I know I am in the clear. The allergy was extremly quick, I had seen many reactions but none so quick from oral medication. It took 9 hours to get me up and going fairly steady. How did I know in 7 minutes? Dunno.

For a while I thought why save me? I never asked why as far as having challenges & problems. I figure why NOT me?
I suppose it is the same for why I am still here I have no large plan or contribution other than to relay such things , maybe giving hope a chance with someone else.

I also meditate, visualize,dreams and their teaching ,healing powers.

So I do agree! You cannot stop living just because you could die! You will die either way! Might as well enjoy the trail
Happy Trails to you!until we meet again

Dear Abbi,

Your extraordinary survival, and your indomitable spirit are more than adequate reasons for you to have been "saved." What an amazing story. The things that people survive, with courage and vitality never ceases to astound and inspire me. I feel so blessed, and honoured to have met you through hootoo.

In deep gratitude for you being you,

Blessings,

Chaiwallah

Mutual & timely blessings!
I am likewise, thankful.