h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Didn't you once have a run-in with someone called SEF? I ran into him yesterday and found him more than somewhat rude. In fact, rather nasty and insulting. Oh well.

Then was told today by someone that I was of no interest on a particular thread.

What *is* it with people, Rain, that they feel a need to be like this?

I don't get it.

az

still missing her dog of choice.

May 27, no rain for weeks, no rain in sight . . .

Hey, should be able to pick up my new computer this afternoon! Had my loan refused the other day (oops, have I already told you this?) by an idiot manager and then all my bank students and ex-students rallied, took it WAY over this guy's stupid fat head, and I finally got my loan approved by the big-cheese head exec of the risks department for Andalucia (also an ex-student of mine )

How are things with you?

hasta whenever . . .
az

I am by no means back but here I sort of am. I got my project through which is a discipline policy at a secondary school in Hoole. We (me and two others) have to appraise their existing policy and interview staff and students to see why it needs tweaking. Sounds great really but they want us to do it, prepare a report for the school and do all the data analysis thingy in the next two weeks-we've already wasted two weeks with half-term and a useless lecturer( I am being unfair but it is like emulsion drying trying to goad him into action, just waiting and re-drafting til we're sick). Glad you're getting a new machine-you sad consumer you- I've now got an all in one print/copy/fax/scan thing and it is the bollocks of the doggie. I really must grow up some time with these techie things but then when I finally get bored with any luck I'll be able to afford the good stuff(laptops, bluetooth etc etc). Remember the dieting thing? I've been doing Dr Atkins wonderful diet for the last 11 days and have lost over half a stone (6 kilos-somewhere there)without once feeling hungry, except when I was out of reach of low carb food and had to wait to get home to eat-had steak and seafood cocktailand cream cheese for dinner, out of 20 grams of carb, per day this amounted to 2. I am so pleased with this starvation diet. Cannot drink at all 'til Monday but it is worth the tiny bit of denial if it works-I will posted keep you.

Need to go get loved one from drudgery-

Soonish,

Rain

You can't drink till Monday? Why - what happens Monday?

Half a stone is 7 pounds which is 3.18 kilos, NOT 6. Nice try

I don't go in for these totally unnatural sort of diets. Am now working on an 'activity challenge' with another h2g2 person. He's only 19 but apparently overweight and had started a thread asking WHY he should lose weight. I told him he should get more active instead of worrying about every bit of food he puts into his mouth and challenged him to get more active with me (have I already told you this?) Anyhow, this is what I'm doing now. Getting more active. No doubt your diet is working, and I am happy for you if that is making you feel good, but personally I will never ever ever ever (ever ever ever) go on another 'diet' again as long as I live. Much rather do something else - like ride my bike like crazy and otherwise get more active (whilst eating sensibly, of course). HATE diets!

The machine - the new Jag - it TOTALLY F**KING AMAZING! I have never got so much pleasure before from an inanimate object. You know, I'm actually not much of a consumer or a materialist - but man! Cannot get enough of this new computer. It's driving me mad with pleasure. Of course, still have to figure out what it can actually do. Also, how I can transfer over large files from the old clunker. Ah well, live and learn.

Sounds a bit like you are - what? Wait a sec and let me think. . .

Okay, like you are doing all this 'school stuff' which is necessary for your degree, even though a lot of it seems quite beneath what you already know and are capable of doing. I guess you have to go through the motions, through the steps of the course, in order to get your degree. I mostly get the idea that you are often quite frustrated.

Hey, whatever happened to that kid you were supposed to be helping out?

Not much other news from this end. I could prattle on and am actually quite tempted to do so as I don't know when I'll hear from you again and at least this feels like a connection, responding to your posting.

But also don't want to be boring.

So, good to hear from you, my dog of choice.

Don't be a stranger.

besitos,
az

ps
what sort of 'drudgery' does loved one do?

Half a stone is actually 8 pounds so there. That's it...that's the extent of my argument, I got the kilo bit wrong, but I did say about half a stone. I'd put off dieting for years because I knew that I'd have to do it seriously when I started. I have various what you would probably call issues about weight from my mother who basically recruited me to the 'we are destined to be fat-live with it' club aged about 12. In actuality I have put on a little under 5 stone in 12 years, eating and drinking everything I have wanted to, which seems to suggest (considering other people putting on ,say, half a stone over xmas, or on holiday)that I actually have quite a high tolerance for eating crap and not ballooning up. The point of the non-drinking 2 weeks is a detox-y thing so I'm going along with it because I decided this time not to do the I know best bit but just trust that the good Dr may know what he is talking about-it's possible. What I get frustrated with(you're right) is when they know they are making you go through the motions to get some points on a score card. I have spent over a week going through minute details of a questionnaire to satisfy the 'team leader' that there has been discussion/interaction and reasoned compromise in the design-because they are his criteria for marking our efforts. Not because it needed doing but to show we had arrived at the right answer by travelling the right road and not just parachuting to the finish line. Then I get mightily (and at the same time, paradoxically, impotently) frustrated. Apparently my learning style is pragmatist, which is quite unusual, apparently ( if you like I could give you a long list of how I am so super because of this just as if I had had a near death experience, saucer of milk for table 5)

You could actually transfer your old hard drive to the new machine completely you know(?) actually integrate the physical hard drive as 'hard drive #2' and keep it all? swapping on the new machine between hard drives is easy and generally risk free.

The kid. philip, needs contacting-up to today I still don't know where I am when for the next monthish like time,but still need to get in touch-also got a job that I thought I'd messed up, doing sleep ins at a homeless family centre. Crap pay but paid for very little actual work and it looks good on a CV, and may actually be fun(ish). Needed to chase up the Criminal records people for a clearance thing to work with kids but didn't, forgot about it and thought I'd lost the job offer, turns out the CRB apologised to my prospective employer for losing my application and invited them to resubmit-somebody up there likes me. Loved one is senior care in a residential care home-the glamour. She likes the work OK but isn't taxed by it-although there is talk of re-rating the job to about 13 quid an hour with double time for weekends so that would be nice. Although it makes no objective sense to feel independent whilst getting student loans and grants and stuff I really do as I'll pay most of it back, likely as not work in the public sector for only reasonable remuneration and I decided to do this so (for once) I'm sort of in control, or if not at least I decided to push off from land knowing the rudder was dodgy. Interviewing little tykes next week so will try to do the communication thing either late(like now-3AM) or next weekend.

For now goodbye. Fare well and always keep up the stiff lip

Rain.

hi slim,

ACTUALLY, half a stone is 7 pounds. But at any rate, either a 7 or 8 pound weight loss is good. So, good for you!

Though not sure if I'd call putting on 5 stone *not* ballooning. What I have noticed is that most overweight people reach a certain weight with their 'bad habits' and then stay there. Unless their habits change. It's the same when one starts eating better. Their bodies find their own 'natural weight' and often no amount of extra dieting can get them down to being skinny (if they are not naturally prone to skinniness).

The detox thing sounds good. Something I should also do, but first I need to find something else to replace that particular crutch with. Also need to quit smoking, even though I don't smoke every day. Now that my life is settling down a bit and I'm getting back into regular exercise I'm hoping that I will just naturally cut back on the 'vices'.

Re: the computer. Yes, I've also heard I can just stick the old hard drive into my new Jag. But while I am completely confident taking apart the old beast (which I've had to do quite often) I'm quite nervous about opening up the Jag. Perhaps I'll just have to pay a technician to come over and do this for me. Or else borrow a CD burner from someone and plug it into the old beast to copy the bigger stuff.

Wow, that would be great if your pareja gets a pay rise to 13 quid an hour. Fingers crossed! (sorry, cannot remember loved one's name - Sarah, Susanne? I'm almost sure it's an 'S' name)

I think I understand your feelings of 'independence'. I mean, you have taken quite a risk, going back to uni at your age. Okay, you were probably only able to do this with grants, loans and the support of your pareja (you are so lucky to have someone love and support you so much!) but still, it was a brave choice. And so naturally you feel more in control of your life now.

I used to feel more sure about what I was doing until recently. Also, people used to tell me they 'envied' me my personal freedom, etc. and admired that I was attempting to live my life on my own terms. But being a very practical Capricorn I also need some semblence of security in my life, which I do not yet have. And I sure ain't gettin any younger. In the past I quite liked being an 'intensity junkie' and constantly 'living on the edge'. But you know, am getting a bit tired of that now.

On the other hand, I have more or less managed to make myself totally unemployable over the past fifteen years. So my only option is to start my own business. Also, it's the only thing I want to do, so that's okay. But HOW???

The ideal situation for me is this - that I can wake up in the morning and (in terms of work) be able to do *exactly* what I would quite naturally like to do upon getting out of bed. I want my work and ME to be the same thing. Quite sure the clothing biz would do this for me, but I need some sort of cash injection from an investor to get that going properly. Meanwhile, keep coming up with various money making schemes that are at least 'close' to being ME. I reckon that as long as I stick to this path I will eventually find a way for it to work for me.

It's actually a good thing that I can no longer just go out and 'get a job'. First of all, there are very few good jobs available in Spain that I am qualified for (also there is massive unemployment here and tons of competition, even for jobs I wouldn't ever want to do), secondly, I really don't see myself being able to work for someone else anymore (to have a boss telling me what to do) and thirdly, some sort of 'safe, secure, mindless job' just to pay the rent would do serious damage to my rather shaky self-esteem and might make me feel 'dependent'. And then I'd get stuck there and would not be able to stay on my own personal path.

Really, it's quite a hard thing to keep believing in yourself, especially when you often feel like a bit of a 'loser' and start doubting *why* you continue to stick to something that up till now doesn't appear to be working that great.

Anyhoodle, I keep plugging away. Like, I have a choice?

The thing is, every single time I have found myself dangling over the edge of the abyss, *something* always happens to catch me just before I fall. But, as I say, getting a bit tired of that routine.

Sounds like you have also been a bit lucky that way - like when you forgot to submit your application and then it was deemed to have been lost instead.

What can I say? Sometimes we are most in control of our lives when we take a huge leap into the unknown and actually forfeit 'control' - but by taking the risk we regain our control. Does that make sense?

Okay, time to go and do something else now than hang out on h2g2 all afternoon. Work! Need to start organizing summer classes if I can. Also have to start working on my idea to give 'alternative tours' of Sevilla for people more interested in seeing the REAL Sevilla as opposed to the usual touristy crap. Recently spoke to a neighbour, a guy called Joseph from Malta, who has bought up about six gorgeous houses in the centre of Sevilla, renovated them, and is now renting the flats out as holiday homes. I thought a good way to start with my Alternatours biz would be to leave my little brochures in his houses, as these people would not be your typical tourist and if they are renting Joseph's places they also have money to burn. So they might quite like being taken out for an evening out of 'tapearing' and seeing parts of Sevilla that never appear in the tourist guides.

Life, eh?

Hope to hear from you soon.

kissitos,
az

yeah, bugger that's ounces and pounds. I think the ballooning thing is quite justified if you knew my diet which consisted of Pizza, with many extra toppings, curry, chips and stuff, fried anything and lots of salami, full English breakfasts, coke, never diet, and at least one bottle of wine a day, plus beer when I felt like-lots and lots when I went out with like minded beer idiots. To only put on seven pounds a year with this diet is, in my view, truly astounding. I mean I never ever said 'I really shouldn't', I kept going thinking 'when I decide to stop I will do completely'.And I was quite slim to start with. I think that eating replaced other things that I felt I couldn't do because I was 'stuck' with kids really early. I missed having a madly wild twenties because I was worrying about bringing up children when others, including my younger brother, would ram it down my throat that they could do anything they wanted. Self fulfilling prophesy bit is that the more I ate the less likely I was to do anything like they did which, although I didn't want to, seemed then to be denied to me, and hence suddenly attractive. Strange petty revenge bit is that while mine are now doing fine and geting to be old enough to look after themselves, he has one small daughter and is doing exactly what I did. But because his wife is less than supportive of his efforts (too busy supporting her own) he cannot do what he wants to do and IS stuck in one of those dead end jobs that pay the rent. Revenge would be sweet if we spoke, but we don't.

I think the detox thing is different for everyone. Most people report headaches and feeling tired all the time-Sandra-the 'S' named one, felt exactly that but I have felt great since the start, only the occasional mad craving; one day for a steak pie, another for Tropicana Sanguinella juice, no idea why. Slept well for the first time in ages without the aid of alcohol (I know, I was worrying about that too). Actually look forward to going to sleep.

the alternative tour sounds good, I have a friend of a friend who has just moved to Spain short term to deal in shares on the internet. And if my friend is right he can make the equivalent of £1000 a day, starting with very little. Perhaps your ideal start up money if you could get it going? Peter, the guy who went out there to learn how to do it, did it for two days and made £2000. Mad money. Do you not have artisanal grants there? or start up loans from the Govt? seems a shame that you couldn't get going if that's what you want to do.

The strange thing about the independence thing is that unlike you I have never taken a hard decision, or gone out on a limb. When I left my last job, because it didn't exist in a paid form since the bank lost faith in my drunken employer, I did the easiest thing which was to enroll at college, when the course finished I enrolled at Uni, and I've been here since. Basically the absence of choice has led to this line of least resistence, for which I am constantly congratulated as if I quit a job paying 30k a year to pursue a dream. The really cool bit is that my lifelong dream *was* the easiest route. but not a great sacrifice by me.

Speak again soon

Rain.

hi dude,
just reading your posting - nice to see you online
az

see you are online again,

haven't yet responded to your posting . . . thought I had at least another week before you showed up again . ..

you okay?

az

I feel fine but am in a constant state of readiness for no reason I can fathom. We were told that we would do this research weeks ago and there really is nothing more to do until we get to the school and TALK to people, slight frustration here. The pillock that is dealing with things is making such a mess of things that, rather than being finished with only the report to write up we haven't even started and it needs to be finished by next Thursday. Given access to the completed questionnaires(we handed them in last Tuesday, they were handed out this Tuesday-1 week to get 2 miles from college to the school)which will not be completed and handed in until Friday morning. I know that this is just basically a rant but what really really really really causes me barrel loads of stress is when I could take charge of something and just GET IT DONE and where social politeness forces me to keep smiling at idiots (who say things like 'just hang fire on this one')who are trying to achieve social interaction without attempting either the social or the interaction components. You (well I) stand virtually vibrating with fury with a rictus of a death grin masking complete contempt, whilst they negotiate a course between doing their job and admitting defeat and just handing over the reins, like some Japanese ceremonial geritocratic bumbleathon (did I mention I was 'annoyed'- which in itself brings us to the end of the masterclass in understatement).

I understand that in the great scheme of things this matters little but I really do like to be allowed to carve my own path whenever possible and this is soooooo frustrating.

So anyway-how are yoohoo? Keeping well I trust? calming down now the existence of vanilla diet coke proving existence of at least the minor deity 'the god of carbonated vegetable based drinks'.

Sorry, have not been replying to your postings at all - and I'm not now either. Just saw my 'baby brother' Joe (27)on MSN messenger and he asked me if I could call him. So I called him. He was crying and upset and strung out on crack and said he was falling apart and afraid and f**ked up and didn't know what to do. I talked him down a bit and managed to convince him to call someone professional *right now* and said I would wait for half an hour for his response on Messenger. No response. I called him again (cannot afford that!) and he sounded much more relaxed and said he was waiting for a doctor to call back - a therapist he had seen a couple of years ago for 'anger management' (after attacking his mother's boyfriend with a hammer and being put in prison for manslaughter). He said he would email me after he spoke to the doctor and tell me what he said. I told him I would keep my bedside phone turned on tonight in case he needed to call, but he said he was feeling a bit better and was happy when I said I'd call him tomorrow (gotta go and buy a phone card - they're much cheaper). Joe also has a nine year old son that he has hardly seen lately because he feels ashamed to be around Daniel when he is high. Well, after that bit of stress and the adrenaline rush I now feel extremely worn out. Such a weird family I've got. Promise to write back about your stuff soon. Just been a strange time. soon. . . az

hi darling dog,

Am back and FINALLY replying to your last postings.

Yes, our eating habits are formed when we are young. It sounds like you have similar food issues to mine, in that I also tended (somewhat less now) to use food as a comfort thing. Also sometimes, when I was really young, that by constantly stuffing food in my mouth somehow would keep me from screaming.

Gosh, after reading about your diet of many years I am amazed that you didn't get scurvy!

I still drink too much wine and continue to smoke. Though I don't smoke everyday now. And when I need to 'comfort eat' I choose to eat popcorn because 1) I love it 2) it lasts a long time and 3) it isn't as calorific as other things I could eat. But since I started on my 'activity challenge' with Dr MO I have also been riding my bike again almost daily, which is a good thing.

My sister (the 'martyr' of the family) is very proud of herself because she neither drinks or smokes. Yet she also weighs well over 200 pounds! The annoying thing about her (well, really, just one of the many annoying things about her) is that she is soooooooooo self-righteous about her non-smoking, non-drinking thing as the rest of us in the family are quite fond of alcohol. My brother Joe is the only one who has got into major substance abuse, ever since he was about 16.

I reckon it's because he was the last kid and was left alone at home with weirdo parents after the rest of us had flown the coop. Also, he is incredibly sensitive and quite artistic. For this reason I have always felt closest to him. But he does have quite serious problems. And I wish I knew how I could help him better.

When he was nine he ended up living with my brother David (who is two years younger than me) when my dad and Yvonne (dad's second wife, Joe's mother) split up. And then one day while visiting him in Winnipeg (when Joe was nine) he told me that David and his wife treated him very cruelly and that once David had beat him up and then thrown him into a closet. At which point my blood went totally cold and I calmly told him he was never going back there and I was going to take him to Toronto. There was a big scene when I told my father this. Joe had said that dad would never allow me to take him away. And in fact, this is what my father said to me - 'You are not taking my last son away from me!' I looked him straight in the eye and told him he was no sort of father, and that because of him my brother David had also turned into an angry abusive parent, and I told him that I was taking Joe and that if he felt strong enough to try and stop me then he could just try it. He didn't.

Bit of background (bear with me). I left home when I was 15 because I just couldn't be there anymore. A couple of years later David and then Sherry (three years younger than me) also left home, leaving Steven and Joe in the clutches of weirdo parents. So I let both David and Sherry stay with me until they got themselves set up with an apartment and a job. A few years after I had moved to Toronto, Sherry came out to stay with me (after her short marriage broke up) and again she stayed with me until she got sorted. Then Steven left home and ended up living with Sherry. (have one older half-brother, Jim, who was my main abuser when I was a kid, though there were others, including my parents and friends of parents).

So by the time I took Joe to Toronto it made more sense for him to live with his brother (also I only had a tiny studio apt).

But unlike Steven, who internalizes all of his pain, Joe is quite the opposite. And so, he has been a constant source of worry.

I see it like this. David, Sherry and Steven are quite 'normal' people who ended up in the h*llish situation that was our family, and they mostly ended up dealing with this by denying it ever happened. And while they are far from stupid, I also would not call them extremely intelligent or clever people. But you see, Joe *is* extrememly intelligent. And clever and talented. And probably even more sensitive than I am (just imagine!).

These days I sometimes blame myself for how Joe has turned out - by not having a more daily 'hands on' relationship with Joe when he was nine and sent to live with Sherry the martyr and his very passive older brother Steven. But I still think it was better than leaving him with David who had serious 'anger management' problems of his own.

Anyhow, that's the story. And so, getting Joe's desperate request to call him yesterday and all that followed has really brought up a lot of strange feelings for me.

The last time I saw my family was about 3 1/2 years ago, just before my father died. And when I was saying goodbye to everyone Joe hugged me so tight and said - 'Please don't go! You're the only one that understands me!'. It really broke my heart.

So now what do I do? I do really love that guy. He is my only family member that I feel a real connection with. And I would like to help him as much as I can. But how do I help him from 3,000 miles away?

Meanwhile, I think you are doing so great with your new 'healthy living' diet and programme. And even though you say that following your dream was the easiest route at the time, other people without a dream would have just taken another unsatisying job somewhere. Don't sell yourself short. I still think what you are doing takes guts. And - apparently - lots of patience now. Having to deal with bureaucracy and dead-heads who are constantly standing in your path and making things unneccesarily difficult. Well, never mind. This too shall pass.

I hope that you thank your lucky stars every day that you have Sandra in your life, backing you up and loving you. In that you are just so lucky. And she is too. Also, you have the kids. Really, you are a lucky old dog.

Now must go make a quick lunch and dash off to the hospital for my classes there. Will tell you more about Alternatours later - have plans to set up a deal with my neighbour who rents out outrageously expensive holiday homes to people looking for alternative accommodation. Could be just the perfect clientelle for me.

kissitos,
az

It's 40ºC. Suddenly have three little cat rugs. Cats have gone all boneless and floppy in the heat and just sprawl out quite inelegantly all over the place. Not unlike myself. On the other hand, *I* have the sense not to wear a fur coat in this heat. Unlike some in this house.

In need of cold drink. See ya later . . .

az

In need of 40 degrees personally, although I say that and I never sunbathe. I really don't know how to respond to your earlier posting. It was in one sense moving but I really don't connect with it. I have heard you when you have posted on childhood abuse earlier but I have never questioned beyond what was given. Not sure I want to now but you do lard your post with seriously icky family stuff, please remember that a) we are friends b) there is no real accepted way of dealing with this stuff and c) you are as messed up as me most of the time. I get the point relating to me though- really I do need a 'consider what you have' wake up every now and again, but I am now planning to worry about you more.

I've got some boox for Fathers day- Life of Pi- stop moaning at me now, and another book called the 'lovely Bones ' by Alice Sebold-get it, it really is Jenny's book but I can't put it down-not exactly cheery but riveting. I really don't know how to help your bro- don't even speak to mine so not the very best of persons to consider for this detail-try to speak to him often is all I can suggest-keep him thinking he will only be rated on that scale.

Have a week of actual work to look forward to but we'll speak soon. Sorry to be useless on the big issues.

Rain, trying to do it but failing

rain,

<>

Lard, eh? Well, okay, won't do that anymore. Shall be light and fluffy from now on. And really, no need to worry at all. Sorry for being 'pesada' as we say here in Spain.

Will check out Lovely Bones, but am on quite a strict budget now (no more credit cards) so it might be awhile before I can buy books again.

Time for a bike ride.

az

'Lard' is a good word, but you're right, I don't want light and fluffy, just don't really know how to deal with dark and unfluffy-which does put me in an awkward position as I can usually offer at least some practical support-can't really do that here can I?

I get quite frustrated when I can do nothing about something; I tend to take a really American view on this kind of thing-tell me where they live and I'll go kill them all-which is less than useful usually. Don't actually like to think of anyone being hurt, and I'm fully aware of the extent hurting kids can mess them up.

On another level I feel quite chastised, and I really do want to get angry with you that you seem so brusque with me because I can't relate to what you are saying-it's not my fault that I don't know what went on and couldn't stop what happened to you-just that I am useless at dealing with it now.

I *would* like everything light and fluffy in a perfect world-with kittens and ribbons and puppy dogs and sweeties-where nothing challenged my ability to cope with stuff and me and all my friends were happy.I don't know if this is a reaction to my usual inbuilt cynicism, just that the older I get the more I seem to be thinking that "who said the world was fair" seems less clever and more a way of saying "let's not even bother to try being fair-let's just be cynical and watch people suffer".Admittedly 'icky' was a stupid word to use but I stand by 'lard' and will look up 'pesada'.

Rain.

rain,

Big hint. When I write about 'icky' stuff I suppose it's because there is some reason that *I* need to write about it. I'm not necessarily looking for a response. And I don't expect that 'there is anything you can do about it'. Other than listen as a friend. But only if you want to. Also, within the ickiness, there are lots of clues about who I am and why I'm the person I am. The people who know nothing about my assorted and sometimes sordid past end up not knowing me at all, because all of that is a part of me. So, telling you about my family is also telling you more about me - that's all.

Okay, needed to talk to 'somebody' about the little brother situation the other day - I mean, that was about *me* feeling helpless, I wasn't meaning to project this onto you at all.

Anyhow, what sort of psychologist are you going to make if you cannot hear 'dark and unfluffy' from people? Unf**ked-up happy shiny people don't tend to go to see psychologists. And I wasn't being brusque with you, just a bit glib and letting you know I could just do light and fluffy if that's what you preferred.

Yes, 'lard' is a very good word if you are trying to tell someone they are laying it on too thick.

And so - to recap. I have never meant to put you in an awkward situation where you felt you needed to say or do anything about what I write. And I have also never 'chastised' you about anything. Nor have I ever felt disappointed that you cannot relate to some of my postings.

I am actually quite a happy person. And I think of my life as quite a 'success story' because of this. Okay, I'm also quite a f**cked up weirdo but normally these are the sorts of people I find most interesting. Heck, all my best friends are weirdos.

I remember you once told me that you don't do 'empathy' well. It seems to me like you do it quite naturally and unconsciously, otherwise you wouldn't feel so affected by hearing about other people's experiences.

The thing you don't seem to understand is that I am pretty much 'okay' with my past stuff. Trust me, have done lots and lots of work on that. You'd be amazed (maybe) at the amount of people who think I am this calm, serene, totally together sort of person (ha!). I've even had people tell me this on hootoo, from various things I've posted. Which surprises me because I've always thought the reason people see me this way is because of my soft little voice and serene social facade and manner. Of course, I've had other people suggest that I am a totally cynical b*tch woman from hell. When in fact I am not cynical at all. Far from it. But I do have a very wonky sense of humour, I guess, which is often misconstrued. But you know, f*ck em if they can't take a joke.

I've also had a few people on hootoo tell me their life stories, some of which were quite horrendous in various ways. My take on all of that is to feel priviledged that these people trusted me enough to tell me these things. I never feel 'threatened' by these confessions or feel these people want me to 'do' anything about it all. I just find it very interesting and I reply to them in my own way. Which they seem to like. Well, perhaps what they like best is that I listen. I'm actually a very good listener. I think I am also very intuitive and so can pick out stuff within a long rambling story to respond to that feels like the 'crux' of the matter to me. And I am seldom wrong. I also never feel sorry for people (because I don't feel sorry for myself) and so my responses are both quite matter of fact but also very caring. What can I say, it a gift!

(have to keep sticking those smileys in there so you will know when I am joking!)

I probably would have made a good therapist myself, except to be totally honest, that LAST thing I'd want to do everyday is listen to other people's problems for money. I'd probably end up like Billy Crystal in Analyse This (have you seen that film? it's wonderful) where he has fantasies of telling his patients - 'you chronic whinger, you misery monger, get a f*cking life already!'

Anyhoodle, have rambled on quite enough for one posting, doncha think?

Rain, you are my best pal here on h2g2. I don't know why but I 'clicked' with you straight away and felt like there was a good connection there. So I *am* very sorry if I have been 'pesada' (heavy, boring, tedious - lardy?). That was never my intention.

But we do seem to see the world very differently. You, with your self-proclaimed cynicism. And me with my very unafraid open to everything kinda outlook. Let's face it, after all I've been through it CANNOT get any worse. I hope! (frantically looking around for some wood to touch - oh there's some).

Spent this morning cutting out three new garments for myself. Feel quite proud of that as I have nothing to wear and have been avoiding my sewing machines for months. This is the woman who wants to start up a clothing biz? Well, can I help it if I hate and detest sewing??? Anyhow, I don't actually see my 'role' in this biz as sitting behind a sewing machine. But totally chuffed about the three newly cut out garments - will start sewing them tomorrow.

So, talk to you later, alligator.

happily yours,
az

ps

If you give me your email address I can send you a photo of my house here in Sevilla. If you don't want to post your email on hootoo then send it to me at [email protected]

(the weird names in my email are the two clothing lines I want to produce).

az

holitas,

Just saw that Amazon has a 'three books for 12 pounds!' special offer happening and am sorely tempted to use the ol' credit card just this once. Lovely Bones is one of the books being offered at this price. Also thinking of getting the new Zaidy Smith book and a book of short stories by Kate Atkinson. Just need to do a bit more rationalizing before I go for it.

Right, time to go and do the weekly cleaning thing in the flat next door. A landlady's work is never done!

How are you?

az