Journal Entries
Break the night with colour (NaJoPoMo Pt.26)
Posted Nov 26, 2011
So the weather outside is absolutely foul and it's dark by 4.30 so you'd be forgiven for thinking nothing good could happen.
Turns out I've just had one of my best days in a while. Been out with a few friends to watch my Week With Marilyn and then we went for tapas in Leeds. The film was warm, gentle, great looking and I think Michelle Williams has got one hand on the Oscar. Kenneth Branagh (playing Laurence Olivier) quoted a bit of Prospero's soliloquy from the end of The Tempest at the end of the film and my mate turned to me and said he can see why I love Shakespeare so much.
The tapas was absolutely sensational and all food with friends should be like this: very simple, very good food with good wine and great conversation. Everyone sharing, eating the communal food and enjoying each others company. Genuinely made me forget what the weather was like outside the door and reminded me why I need to get a better paid job - so I can go out and experience stuff like this in its home country.
Discuss this Journal entry [7]
Latest reply: Nov 26, 2011
Pressure pushing down on me (NaJoPoMo Pt.25)
Posted Nov 25, 2011
I always said I'd get one of these done just before the midnight deadline: this is that effort. It's taken me this long to think about what to write.
It occurs to me that my job would be much easier if the staff could all realise were all working in the same rubbish environment and support each other. As it is there are a lot of staff who are determined to hold their little forts and lob the occasional grenade just to make some kind of point.
Today I had a couple of examples of this: the lads have a coffee bar area that only they're allowed to use during classes. It's kitted out with some nice sofas and it's in the sunniest bit of the canteen. Today they left it in an absolute state and the canteen staff have decided to close that area for a week. No debate, no speaking to any of the 6th form staff, just slammed shut. Fair enough, I can handle that and one of my rules of working in a school is keep the kitchen staff, caretakers, cleaners and receptions on your side or things get messy. I go and speak to the Head of 6th form, explain what has happened and my proposal for resolving the issue: I also predict there will be an issue with the librarian because with the coffee bar closed, the library is the only other place the lads can go during classes. Head of 6th form says don't worry about it, the librarian will be reasonable.
20 minutes later and I'm in the library listening to the librarian say how she's going to have to close the library to 6th form because she'll suffer a massive influx. I really should change my name to Cassandra. She knew about the coffee bar, she knows 6th form staff are going to have a pig of a week next week as a result and, instead of helping us the way we've always helped her, she's decided to give us an extra headache.
Yesterday was our school awards evening and yesterday lunchtime the deputy head sends out an urgent appeal for staff to write nice things about the lads receiving awards: believe it or not, I do like the lads and I enjoy writing so I type up some really good intros with personal anecdotes and very positive language for about a dozen students. Call me old fashioned but I think something like that at short notice would deserve the tiniest show of gratitude like a thank you from the deputy head. I'm still waiting.
Oh well, I did have one lad come to me saying he knew the Head hadn't written the speech and it sounded a lot like me, and that his parents cried on hearing it. So that'll keep me buzzing for a few days: after all I'm not there for the deputy head, or the librarian or even the Head of 6th form I respect and admire. I'm there for the lads and the parents who cry when they hear how amazing their son is.
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Nov 25, 2011
We're all just a little weaker than we make ourselves out to be (NaJoPoMo Pt 24)
Posted Nov 24, 2011
Today I had a little rant in work about the Guy Code and it raised a few eyebrows. Working in a boys school, and looking back over my own experiences, you see how much damage it causes and it's bloody ridiculous.
Through my counselling/anger management I've been introduced to a load of ideas, some useful (the idea of an emotional tank that fills and empties) and some less so (the idea of relationship 'credits') but it's not presented as a one-size-fits-all thing and we're encouraged to pick and choose the things which work for us or make sense. Talking about the Guy Code really opened my eyes: I tend not to think of myself as particularly blokey, I'm generally not concerned about my reputation (which I'm sure will come as a galloping shock to you all, and I normally have no problems expressing myself. Except when it comes to my emotions and that's a big chunk of the Guy Code: don't show emotions because emotions = weakness and you can't ever show weakness. The letter I wrote to my 14 year old self was exceptionally hard to write because it meant being open about the scariest time of my life.
It's also pretty profound when you see it in younger men, like the students I work with. For a big chunk of the student body the only response you'll ever get from them is aggression because that's the only way they know how to be strong. As I mentioned in passing, yesterday I took most of the 6th form to a road safety presentation, where paramedics, police officers, firemen and the parent of a kid killed in a road accident talked about their experiences in the hope the students don't get involved in these kinds of accidents themselves (Bradford has an absolutely atrocious death rate for car crashes). The presentations, particularly the parent talking, were absolutely harrowing and I was left with tears in my eyes at several points. Sadly, some of my students thought it'd be a good time to gossip and laugh. We get back to school and I. Went. Mental.
By the end of my tirade (which the Head of 6th Form considered restrained, which shows how angry she was) I ask the guys to explain themselves before I got their mothers in and explained what monsters they were raising. Three of them said absolutely nothing, while the other two made an attempt at explaining themselves and in both cases it was because they were so uncomfortable but couldn't let their mates see this. And that's the Guy Code and how stupid it is.
For me, the most powerful bit of the presentation, apart from the dad talking about losing his son (which is one of the most upsetting things I've ever heard in my life), was the fireman who described a traffic accident that happened about a mile and a half from where I'm currently sat. He described cutting open cars and fishing peoples limbs out of the bottom of the footwell of a mangled car, about watching a young lads eyes close for the last time and hearing the agonised screams of other casualties. Then he talked about going home to his wife and young family and as he was talking he took off his uniform and was left standing in his normal clothes as he talked about how he wasn't just a fireman: he was a man, he was a father and a husband, a son and a brother, a friend and a colleague. The uniform was a partial armour but he had to take it off and once he had he was still left with the feelings and memories.
I hope in my time I develop the strength and courage, the ability to be that honest, that he has. Even more so, I hope my rabble to.
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Nov 24, 2011
So why don't we go somewhere only we know? (NaJoPoMo Pt. 23)
Posted Nov 23, 2011
Still feeling rather blue (my lads laughing at at guy describing, in detail, what it's like to lose a child to a car crash hasn't helped) so I'm pulling out one of my big guns. It probably won't solve my problems but hopefully it'll give a period of grace where I don't feel quite so lousy.
The big gun in question is remembering and talking about my favourite places in the world.
1) The ring of stones at the top of Ilkley Moor, particularly late in the afternoon or at sunset. There's no easy way to get to these stones so you're always nicely tired and the views from them are spectacular. It's so peaceful up there it's unreal.
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=632929797065&set=a.632922945795.2330579.61410264&type=3&theater
2) Goredale Scar near Malham Cove in North Yorkshire. This place has to be seen to be believed, photos can't do it justice. It's mind-boggling huge and yet completely accessible. It was also the inspiration for Helm's Deep in Lord of the Rigs and you can see why
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=782819082735&set=a.782813264395.2450877.61410264&type=3&theater
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=782819092715&set=a.782813264395.2450877.61410264&type=3&theater
3) Plage De Marquisats in Annecy. I'm not normally a beach person but the couple of days I spent there were some of the happiest of my life: relaxing in the sun, going for the occasional swim when I wanted to and going wandering around the beautiful streets and markets of Annecy itself and losing myself in the sights, sounds and smells of a foreign country.
4) Venice. Nothing will ever compare with the night I spent in Venice, sitting outside the youth hostel with one of the most beautiful blokes I've ever met and talking all night, cuddling and watching the sun rise over the city.
5) In my sort-of foster dad's conservatory, just drinking and chatting about all kinds: the warmth of his house, the purring of the cat that usually plonks itself on my lap, the good whiskey and the smell of his cigars. Closest thing I have to home and family.
Discuss this Journal entry [5]
Latest reply: Nov 23, 2011
I miss the winter, a world of fragile things (NaJoPoMo Pt. 22)
Posted Nov 22, 2011
As is my tradition for this time of year, I'm feeling a bit blue and struggling to cheer myself. Today was the first proper wintry day we've had in God's Own Country so I think I'll take this opportunity to wax lyrical about why winter is a good thing.
Snow. I absolutely adore snow and living in West Yorkshire it's quite a regular occurrence: growing up in Liverpool it almost never snowed, I can think of about 3 occasions in 18 years where snow lay for more than a day or two and I remember watching the news about these places that where buried and being insanely jealous. Now I actually live in one of those places and it's great. Less fond of ice but I can live with that.
Fog. I love fog for some reason, have done ever since I was a little kid. I love the way light and sound shift and are muffled, creating odd shadows and echoes. I think fog can also be great for when you just want to lose yourself in thought.
Dark nights. I think the lights of cities shining out in the darkness is incredibly handsome and comforting, particularly when there's Christmas lights in there somewhere. I'm probably the only person in the world who associates Yentl's "Papa Can You Hear Me" with Christmas.
Crisp sunlight: I think the light in winter is incredible: really sharp and creates great contrast. I love it when you feel like you could flick the sky and it'd ring like a crystal glass.
The Dr Who Christmas Special. It looks amazing this year.
The cold. I'm a cold person (in more ways than one my friends would probably say) so I enjoy frosts and bitterly cold days, they just make me feel alive. Plus afterwards there's the pleasure of warming up.
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Nov 22, 2011
HonestIago
Researcher U215204
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."