h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hello there ian,

I did enjoy reading your 'homespace' and your facinating journal too.
Some people might think that watching people park their cars a dull job - but my goodness you make it sound so interesting.

And your cooking tips too! What a good idea - crusts off - I'll have to remember that one.

I was so tempted by your 'personal ad' so cunningly incorporated amidst the introduction to your space. I think I may be a bit young for you - you're old enough to be my fa... - Oh - better not go there - that sort of thing has got me into a spot of bother of late.

I am really looking forward to hearing more about you and your cat Pooter in the next installment of your journal - and I shall buy the Daily Mail tomorrow to see if the editor has been wise enough to include any of your thoughtful letters.

SW

dear an admirer....thank you for your letter of support...it does get lonely being the sole voice of reason sometimes!

i showed your message to mother who told me that you sound very nice....so its ok for me to contact you....though mother does like to know i only associate with nice girls!

with this in mind could you answer a few questions so i can check your not a harlot? please let me know....your obedient slave....ian

Dear mr johnston,

How I admire your resolve. I suspect you may need it, as I am not sure your mother will appreciate some of my qualities.

I would be happy to answer a few questions - I may have a few queeries for you too.

Regards, Scarlet

dear admirer....glad to see you replied....unfortunately there will definitely be no "queeries" in my house....they'd get short shrift from me i must say!

i have compiled some questions for you to see if you would appreciate my qualities as a man;....and to test that you are up-to-date on some important issues!

i've made it multiple choice so just pick one...a, b or c....good luck!

1 what is your ideal night with your partner?

A) a night at the theatre watching some left wing arty mumbo jumbo?
B) a meal out eating some foreign muck followed by nasty icky sex stuff?
C) curling up the sofa with your partner, a cup of bovril and a songs of praise special, before applying linament to mother's bed sores

2 which daily newspaper do you read?

A) the times.....for its political coverage and social section.
B) the guardian....for its marxist namby-pamby liberal claptrap.
C) the fife gazette, for its letters page.

3 what is the most desirable trait in a potential partner?

A) i want a man who is unafraid to show his feminine side.
B) I want a man who indulges my every whim.
C) i want a man who irons his y-fronts and keeps them neatly on hangers like mother said to.

4 who is your pin-up star?

A) liam neeson?
B) viggo mortensen?
C) michael howard?

5 two of the sexual practices (ahem) below are depraved, despicable and should be criminalized. one is completely normal. can you spot the acceptable one?

A) kissing in public.
B) sleeping in the same room.
C) locking your partner in an enclosed space (eg a cubbyhole) and not letting them out even when they beg, unless they lick the door and promise to slam their nuts in it when let out.

6 given the choice, would you rather spend your holiday.....

A) sunning yourself in greece?
B) turtle-tagging in the galapagos islands?
C) visiting "heartbeat" country and touring the narrow-gauge steam railways of north yorkshire?

7 which job is the most manly?

A) fireman......i love a man with a loony-lefty leader
B) social worker.....a man's not a man unless he takes some juvenile delinquent off on safari
C) supermarket car-park barrier attendant.....it takes a real man to ensure delivery lorries don't park over the white lines

and finally....the clincher.......

8 how would you describe yourself?

A) conventional with a wild and crazy side?
B) liberated and self-confident?
C) however you tell me too, husband?

awaiting your reply,

ian.

ps i typed this out in my best blue littlewoods pants and string vest......lover.

dear ian,

Did i say 'queeries'? - oh dear - I must refer to my trusty OED on a more regular basis - I am afraid I may have let standards slide in my eagerness to respond to you.

ummm...Multiple Choice...lovely, I am very keen on multiples. (Do you and your dear mother go in for them? - I find Tescos is very good in that department).

1) My ideal night with a partner - though (c) is tempting, I am not sure I am very good with linament. So I would have to plump for (b) - but you know ian, one could have a nice stew with a daring quantity of dumplings washed down with ginger beer - there is no need to go in for all that'foreign muck'. As for the 'icky' stuff - a good treacle tart or a banana custard might do just as well.

2) Newspapers - well ian, I don't really have time to read a newspaper - so I shall have to answer: none of the aforementioned. However, I have been taking a peek at the Daily Mail letter page when the Tesco staff aren't looking - just to see if the editor has come round to recognising the worth of the pearls of wisdom so carefully hidden in your very individual letters.

3) ian, I am a frail female - therefore I WANT (B) more than anything else - but I realise I am being wanton (by the way do you like Chinese? - No...). I know I should answer (c) I have heard of people ironing underwear - but attaching it to hangers after? - just blew my mind - it would be an education to know someone with such standards.

4) LIA..michael howard.... I 'spose.

5) Kissing in public is so unnecessary. What's the point of being in the same room and sleeping...oh...I see - temptation, denial, frustra... (c)so long as i'm on the outside of the cubbyhole I guess I could take a certain amount of pleasure from cracking nuts if that's what eases your - talking of which, are you...nevermind...in my time I have learned to cater to almost every perver...er..taste.

6) I do like a bit of sun sea and...well I could get used to steaming in Yorkshire. Are the Police less on the ball there? (only joking Mrs J, did your heart miss a beat - now there's a thought ian - if you get fed up with the linament....).

7) I like a man who knows what to do with a hose - an invaluable skill when things get hot. But I am equally impressed by a man who's not afraid to take abuse and looks of pity on a daily basis without complaint, whilst cocking a snook at them all as he sniffs over his white lines.

8) Modesty prevents me from answering your last question.

I'm typing this wearing only my second best tabbard...

im glad you liked my multiple quiz.....I must admit that I don’t go to tescos on the principle that they don’t enforce their car parking regulations strictly enough, despite my letters.....however I did get a lovely 2 for 1 in buyrite this week on j-cloths....and 5% staff discount too! i only mention this last issue because I know financial security is important to a woman.

mother has read your responses and thinks you might be ok for me, but she will have to chaperone our first date...... so perhaps you can suggest somewhere interesting..... she generally likes somewhere with a nice tea shop ...as do I.... but please, no swimming not after the colostomy bag incident.

Finally, it is important that you understand my principles. I do not agree with sex before marriage, and hopefully you don’t either....anyway, the medical examination should clear that up.... I regard with great pride the fact that I have not roasted my love spuds once in 63 years, and will remain pure until our.....I mean my wedding night.

PS I’ve slipped off my long johns now too!

dear ian,

I really don’t know what to say - I’m so excited by the thought of our first date.

Your thrifty nature is SO attractive. I therefore suggest that we get to know one another on an outing to a Car Boot Sale.

ian, please don’t think me indelicate but - what ’colostomy bag incident’? Does this accessory come attached to yourself or your mother? You really are full of suprises. I like that in a man.

ian, is a medical examination really necessary? I assure you my work calls for check ups on a regular basis...

You’ll be pleased to know that I am a dab hand at roast spuds - so your first taste will be served to you by an expert in the field.
How have you enjoyed your potatoes until now? Do you mash them vigorously?

I’m in my winceyette nightgown....

dear an admirer......im so glad you are looking forward to our date......it’s a first for me too!

i like your idea about a car boot sale.......perhaps youre a fan, as I am, of bargain hunt, with david dickinson? many people have commented in the past that I bear a slight resemblance to him, as I do to frank bough and even dickie davies!


you will be pleased to know that it is not me but mother who has had problems with her colostomy bag, not least because she refuses outright to cut her nails.......further on medical matters I am prepared to forego the medical examination providing you can supply a letter from your local padre to the effect that you are pure and unsullied!

i do like chips (with haggis, of course) but up to now almost my whole life I have ive had potatoes with their jackets on.....im looking forward to peeling them off.......my only experience so far has been doing it by hand, which is long and laborious and also creates a mess! in fact mr. leavis, my boss, told me off the other day for doing just that in the car park booth.


PS im unfastening my sock suspenders

ian you are a tease....I can just imagine you slipping off your socks... Why are they standing up like that?

To be honest with you ian, my brush with Bargain Hunt was not a happy one. I confess I have never watched Mr. Dickinson on the television - but I did venture onto the BBCi Messesge Board dedicated to the gleaming satsuma. I was most put out. Some of my posts were removed! Can you imagine? Well, I’ve got over it now, but still feel a little hurt.

What a wonderful trio of British manhood you say you resemble. I hope that I won't disappoint - Angela Rippon meets Thora Hurd meets Britney - a little for every taste I think.

So glad to hear that your colon is tickety-boo. Your poor mother - what a tower of strength you must be for her - certainly, a convenient colostomy-bag handler.

There will be no trouble getting the old Padre to give me the very best of references, after all, he is one of my best cli..friends. He often comes with me - er - to have tea and sandwiches (I do a variety - now with crusts off - thanks to you!).

Sorry to hear that mr. leavis is giving you a hard time - or that he caught you having a hard time - or that you feel the need to do the job by hand in your booth...well, whatever...

Yours, A. Admirer

ps i’m in my combinations.....

dear an admirer....so sorry to not be in touch for a while...but duty called!

in fact i have been preparing for some days because, due to the unforeseen illness afflicting major smythe, out chairman, i was given the important task of being in charge of catering at the annual meeting of the fife chapter of the recreators of the battle of neasden society! yes, public office came my way at last!

as such the last week has been spent feverishly compiling the menu and ensuring that the caterers provided food to the correct specification....there was a terrible moment on saturday evening when one of their sandwiches failed the set-square test......it was touch and go for seconds....but mr. pettifer acccidentallly sat on it and it was miraculously cured of its disangular condition! yes its safe to say i saved the day and the meeting was an unquallified success, despite my dispute with the group on the correct length of a roundheads scabbard.

so as you can see i have not been wasting my time....in fact i was in the bath last night when i thought of you and suddenly came over myself all strange......i was just working up a lather when i thought to myself "ian you cad, youre treating her mean to keep her keen".....so here i a m just to tease you with another appearance

anyway it is valentines day soon so my question to you today is what would you like?....i have never bought a valentines day present (apart from as a young man when i didnt want sir alec douglas-hulme to think no one in the nation loved him) so i have been looking around.....a woman called janice at work...who i have to say is usually terrribly vulgar....showed me some "tackle" which i presume is a seed-hole dibber.....it's about 8 inches long, made of rubber and vibrates..perhaps as you seem like a child of the soil like myself youd appreciate such a handy horticultural device for you to use amid your bush this spring?

do reply soon....ian

ps i have rubbed embrocation into my chafed thighs

Dear ian,

I was so worried that I might not read your dulcet words ever again - what a mess the Beeb got into today.

I was so thrilled for you - that you could at last basque in the light of the praise that surely came your way once the Battle of Neasden Society had tasted your strictly regulation munchies.

What is the correct length for a roundhead? Are you one? Or are you a Cavalier? Is this too personal on such short aquaintance?

Ian you are a tease! - I keep thinking of you in your bath and want to be si...er join you. I can just imagine you in a mass of soapy bubbles, a la Liz Taylor as Cleopatra....oh! - she was in asses milk....

As you say, Valantine's Day fast approaches. Janice sounds a game sort of girl - I rather suspect she feels, knowing you, I might need the tackle you mention. So it sounds the ideal gift and my bush will be all the happier for it! Now, what does your heart desire? What about some industrial strength rubbler gloves?

Yours in anticipation, Scarlet

p.s. I am flicking my feather duster about, hardly able to contain my excitement at the thought of you......[CG, pass me that brown paper bag will you..]

I'm not sure what a 'rubbler' is - but it could be fun!

Dear An Admirer,

A most unfortunate incident has occured which may put a question mark over our future relationship. A gross miscarriage of justice has occured and my name has been sullied. I want you to undrestand that I am completely innocent and that once I clear my name I shall be writing a very strong letter to the Fife Gazette!

Last night I was travelling home from the Battle of Neasden Recreators’ meeting with my friend Reginald, who is Associate Director of Purchaser Transcript Scrutiny at Asda's car park. We were passing through a rather unsalubrious part of Kirkcaldy on our way home in my jalopy when Reginald, fooling about with a bag of my dog Pooter's faeces which Mother had left in the car, accidentally dropped said item out of the window. After angrily leaving Reginald by the kerbside a little further on, near his home, I returned to the area and drove slowly around the streets, the better to locate the bag.. On my third circuit a young woman in a brief outfit approached my driver's window and signalled for me to wind it down. She asked me if I was "looking for business" to which, requisite of locating Pooter's doings, I answered in the affirmative, whereupon the young lady identified herself as a member of the Fife and Perthshire Police Force and promptly arrested me!

I spent a horrid night in a cell with a man called Davy who kept wanting to get into my bunk for a cuddle, and this morning I was released on police bail.

I intend to clear my name and force the resignation of the Chief Constable but, until then my dear admirer, I believe that I am not to leave the environs of the local area. Therefore I shall not be able to meet you for our date and, as such, I fear the pain of rejection may wrack your body. But fear not!I will return in the future!

Yours with affection

Prisoner 5134FF

ian - I am distraught....

My poor darling 5134FF. What an unfortunate thing to happen. And how typically original of you to give both your cat and your dog the illustrious name of Pooter. Do they ever get confused I wonder...

Don't worry ian, I shall be writing to the Fife Gazette on your behalf and I have already started a petition for all like-minded folk to sign....So far I've got me, of course. Janice was most sweet when I approached her to support you in your hour of need - she seemed quite fond of your quirky little ways. Mr. Leavis needed some persuasion. In the end I had to get down on my knees.............and...well, beg. I have been in touch with David Dickinson c/o the bbc and sadly he seems utterly disinterested.
Obviously your dear mother has signed and Pooter and Pooter too have dabbed a paw in ink for you. Reginald took me out for a lovely fish supper and signed over the porridge in the morning.

Such loyalty you command! I have a grand total of 5 signatures and 2 paw prints.

ian, don't think I am the fickle type of bint who would foresake you for another, just because you were nabbed in a red light district whilst in search of a plastic bag full of dog poo.

I will stand by you - well not actually right by you - but I will write and send you necessities concealed in a .

This week I am mostly concealing.....................................

Now ian, don't be like that. You know that HIV is rife in Fife (gaol)- and I am sure there may be a few old lags who take a shine to you and your winning ways. So, think of our future and have save sex. Yes, I know you were saving yourself for me - but I fear that you may not have any choice in this matter.

My thoughts are with you at this trying time dear 5134FF,
Your Scarlet

p.s. a little advice (I hope not too late) don't even pick up your own soap in the shower.

Dear Scarlett Harlot,

I'll thank you for my "rubbler seed dibber" back please!

Yours,

Jilted Whack'd (Mr)

P.S. Bet ian johnston won't put up with the "joint performances" you talked me into ever Firday evening at the knitting circle?

... I thought it was same as last time? You cosey up to some befuddled nitwit, pinch all his cash and bring back to me?

I'll get me dibber ..?

We were just indulging in a spot of cyber 4play - which I am afraid may have led him to venture into the less salubrious area of town. His alibi was most inventive. I just hope a stilletto heel hasn't pierced the Pooter evidence.

I've got your dibber....Boss

now now johnston, this is not the proper forum to be frightening the young ladies. Please desist forthwith.