h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Very true.

My wife's father took me aside when she was 3 months pregnant and persuaded me to buy a house. He said that the housing market was due a massive boom (he was right...eventually) and if we were going to buy, then he would be willing to canvas for us and provide a sizeable deposit. He picked a nice one in an area that has appreciated in value seven-fold. He really knew his stuff.

It sounds like you are quite the man about house. To be honest, that stuff terrifies me. It will be something I will have to learn when the time comes. At the moment, if there is anything that needs doing to the house we own, the tenants ring the appropriate people and we pay for it. So far, there has been little to correct. It's a fairly old property, built in the late 40's unlike these modern builds which seem to be constructed of something akin to balsa.

I may be asking you for tips. Light bulbs...which way do they go in again...?

I come from a number of generations of farmers who, by nature, are self-fixers. And worked on a lot of farms as a lad. Then, the years of helping my father, a man licensed in nearly every practical trade, I learned a lot of the rules, laws, skills, and just plain improvising. I only contract out a job if I realisitically know it is beyond my capability, or that error factors would prove too costly. Hence paying for the ceramic.

And I am also honest enough to know my own limits, ... not an over-inflated ego.

As to the light-bulb, it will all depend on if it is a right-handed one or left-handed. Before or after the seasonal time changes, ... And how many union guys are prepared to take you to task for infringing on their domains.

No, that light bulb thing has totally thrown me now...

The wife is quite the dab hand with wallpaper and a sander, and I can throw paint at reasonably flat surfaces, so we have that covered.

It's the rest of it that sounds daunting. I don't know if it's the same in the far flung Colonies, but over here you have to be visited by a registered tradesman if you stand any chance of being covered by insurance.

Do you make house calls, Nick?

For the right rate of pay, transportation, and a really fine supper, ... maybe.

Hmmm...would you settle for a story...?

I'm always up for a good yarn.

Check you mail box when you can. Another address will be coming at ya shortly.

Excellent. Am lucky enough to be desk bound today, but can only check the mail when I get home.

I've posted the story on my convos. I hope it meets with approval. I took the inspiartion from my Muse , but I am not sure it is up to His standards.

I'm sure that, with years of practice, you will improve.

If only I could learn from the master...

Wouldn't that involve getting a direct answer from a direct question? You may be waiting for quite some time.

Meanwhile, considering your years of service in the "other" HM Forces, I'm gonna guess you are about a decade behind me. With mention of drowning the young, and karate lessons, what ages have you of little's? My only, from the first of 2 marriages, recently turned 24. Phenominal, considering I've just turned 29. ... For the 18th time.

That's true enough. Odd that he just tries to use the Strawman/Goebbels technique. The Brecon thing really threw him, though, he fell on his ar$e with that one.

We have a son who is 12, but has taken to pontification of a Yoda like intensity. George Lucas has a lot to answer for...

The ruler of the house is 5. She started school this year and continually amazes us with tales of the classroom.

29...those were the days...

Yeah, 29 wasn't too bad. The new marriage was still pretty fresh, North Bay, Ontario was quite a nice and smallish city to live in. Mind you, by then the maintenance duties of the systems in the underground complex were getting pretty boring and routine.

No matter how you look at it, with those ages of young 'uns, ... You won't be master of the house for many years. Even if the missus let ya.

I do get a great laugh frequently from my daughter. She is raising a soon-to-be-8 step-daughter, and two sons, nearly 4 and just past 1. All the shenanigans and trials they put her through. I only have to mention that "I remember a little girl who was just that way ..." and I can hear the rolling of the eyes over the phone.

Just as a BTW, she grew up and is still in Newfoundland, a bit over 1,300 miles away. So we really do own shares of our phone systems.

I have fully settled into my role as lowest member of the household.

It goes...Our daughter, the wife, our son, the cats (2), the rat, the dog then me. The rat scores above the dog as he is new and interesting, and the cats seem to spend a lot of time looking at him. Too much, actually.
The dog and I share a silent undertanding as we jockey for position on the bottom. Occasionally he messes up and gets relegated, usually for farting and drooling. It's the same with me, so I can't laugh too much.

1300 miles!!!!! Ever thought of a carrier pigeon?

I've given the pigeon idea some thought. How-ever, as St John's is a harbour city, it may be led astray by all those water-front pigeons and gulls. You know what a rowdy lot they can be ...

Our house is just the pair of , milady and myself. If that pecking-order, in fact. I've known my position for a lonnnnng time. Fixer of electrical, plumbing and anything else, feeder of the royalty and cleaner of their litter-boxes. But hey, I'm allowed to sleep indoors, so it's not all bad.

Seeing as how the comedy troupe seems to have gone on hiatus, I think I'll leave those threads of conversation to slide into oblivion. Of course, should they pop-up again, ...

So how's stuff in the real Armed Services of your world?

As enjoyable as ever. Christmas approaches with rapidity and it will be my first one with the family since 2002. Unfortunately, I have drawn duty on the day itself, but only until 3pm. I'll miss the present opening unless the kids are up at 6am. Oh, hang on...they will be up at 5.30 won't they???


There is a large plume of smoke on the horizon, and for once, it's nothing to do with us.

What about your good self? Has the change in work affected your routines much?

My work has stayed mostly the same, being a contratee and doing the same stuff. I simply don't worry of call-outs and the like.

Oh, and the pay schedule changed. For years, it was the 15th and last of every calendar month. So easy to schedule regular bill payments like rent, electric, phone, etc. Now, it's every 2 weeks ... So most months still have 2 pay days, and a couple have 3. But now moneys must be kept available for autmated withdrawals, like household and auto insurance.

Well, that's good to hear. There is nothing worse than a chaotic work environment. Unless you're on fire or in a plane plummeting to the ground or something.

3 pay days a month? That's ridiculous!

It's simple math, ... paid every 14 days, there will be 26 pay periods in a year. So 10 months will have 2 pay-days each, and 2 of them will have 3. This month, I was paid on the 1st, today (the 15th) and again will be on the 29th.

Maths...always an enigma as far as I am concerned.

Mind you, I am not alone. I believe our hero has some trouble with it when connecting the dots between himself and his exotically named Japanese ancestor.