h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The title says it. Since I lost my husband, who was love, I have not been able to be happy again. Oh yes, I have been happy and laughing for short times, even illuded myself to think I was over the pain, but that did not happen. I even found a passion for three months in Germany. Surely, that is a gift that does not come to everybody and should I not be thankfur for that? But no, on and off I am depressed and my life is work and sleep and not caring much about anything anymore. I have lost all reason to enjoy life. I read, yes, I find pleasure in books. I try to learn, to get over my sadness, I am into mindfullness right now, but in the end nothing helps. Years of psychotherapy, which I gave up six months ago, did not get me anywhere. There are pills when it gets bad. There is the internet to distract me for a time. After love died, I learned I had MVP (withouth any signs of it until then!), which makes everything worse and recently it has gone really bad again. I am 74 now, I have 9 grandchildren, all of them rather distant except for one whose mother and he live with me. All my dreams of getting the family together, of celebrating holidays, of spending days together, all of us, all in love and lots of laughter and continued happiness, all my dreams are gone. Sometimes I feel I am just waiting and I do not know for what. I have tried Yoga, I have tried walking at the beach every day, I have tried living with a new man and we are still together, I have been singled out by God to know him, I have tried renting a house at the beach, going there for the weekends. Yes, I pretended to be alive, to live, but nothing was, nor is real. I miss my man. I believe in miracles, though, and only a short time ago he managed to send me a rose and left some poems dedicated to me which are burned into my mind as if he himself had written them. I wish I knew why I have to be different and just cannot leave the past, the inevitable past, behind me and go on, find new ways to live. I do not know. I wish I could find the secret to that. And I used to have courage, I used to have energy, I used to find nothing impossible and nothing ever scared me. Now I live dominated by fear and fear dominates my decisions. What a lousy story to tell, but that is the truth. What is wrong with me that I cannot be 'normal'? Does anybody know the answer?