h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

hello toxxin,

Just writing to ask you if you might consider burying whatever hatchet you seem to have against me. I'm really not interested at all in maintaining this sort of one-sided (on your part) nonsense thing going on in the God thread, especially since I have nothing against you as a person. I feel like you are always trying to - I don't know! - catch me out or that you feel like anything I say has something to do with you.

I told you awhile back that I would no longer answer anything you said because it just seemed pointless after awhile - you didn't seem to want to listen, only try to 'score points' or whatever. And since I was not playing the same game at all, I just decided it would be better not to respond at all.

You admit yourself that you like to wind people up. Well, I'm not the same. I don't like winding people up - I also don't like that being done to me. Anyhow, some people like doing this and well, that's fine for them. I just don't like being included in other people's games, especially when I have already said that I have no wish to 'play'.

I cannot say any more clearly that I have nothing at all against you personally - how could I since I don't know you personally? - so I don't understand why you seem to have something against me.

I would like it very much, since you seem to have taken such a dislike towards me, that on the God thread we can post our stuff quite separately without you ever feeling like anything I say has anything to do with you at all - because it truly does not.

If my postings upset you in any way then you have the option of not reading them or else ignoring them. Since I am always talking to other people anyhow, this should not affect you in any way whatsoever.

kind regards,
azahar

hello again, toxxin,

You want to talk to me? Then you can talk to me here, without an audience. That thread on my personal page was started by Chaiwallah as he thought you were being unreasonably unreasonable in the way you spoke to me and about my ideas. Although I have unsubcribed to that thread, apparently I cannot rid it from my personal page.

In fact, I have not changed my ideas about anything - so don't know what you were getting at.

I truly hold you no ill-will whatsoever, I just don't like being attacked and made fun of for things I have not even said.

Anyhow, I am here if you would like to talk at anytime.

az

Az. I love to debate things. It's never ultimately personal. I was willing to consider the 'hatchet' (more of a pillow, really!) buried. You dug it up with your 'one trick pony' thing. OK, maybe it wasn't aimed exclusively at me, maybe I'm being paranoid, but I sure ain't daft!

hi again,

I just wanted to thank you for your recent efforts to be kind towards me on the god thread. They are appreciated. No doubt we have just misunderstood each other in the past.

I have so many good friends on that thread that I like to stay in touch, even though I don't feel I have anything more to add about what 'god' is. I have said my bit about that. For what it's worth.

Well, that's all. Thanks for being nice. And I hope you realize now that anything I say is not about or against what you believe.

Meanwhile, you really shouldn't be having lager for breakfast. Or were you joking?

az

Dear Az. I'm sure you are wonderful person and I have nothing against you either. I only argue against what is said. Nothing personal intended although I really do have lager for breakfast (lunch, dinner, supper.....) and I am never sober. What with that and my medication against anxiety/depression I'm a kinda loose cannon. It has got me in trouble with the law and visits to a shrink. Even now I risk being slung into the clink on Nov 5 of all dates! Profuse apologies for all my evil deeds. You are very, very nice. So unlike me!

Why do you risk being slung into the clink on November 5th?

Why are you never sober?

I have a background of two alcoholic parents, I know what drinking does to people. I also drink far too much wine than is good for me. Though I don't consider myself to be alcoholic, perhaps I am only kidding myself. But I really don't drink to excess. I only drink frequently. Perhaps more than one should.

How have you got in trouble with the law? If you don't mind me asking.

If you have problems with anxiety/depression and are on medication, combining this with alcohol is not good. But of course you know that.

You sound scared. Can I help?

az

Hi, Az. Due to some awfully bad luck, I've been going through the legal processes since July, 2001. I won't go into detail but my accidental behaviour has been taken to be deliberate, and it is clear that the judge in charge is not about to give any credence to my side of the story - which involves the lack of vigilance typical for anyone on my medication and booze habit. I fought the thing for two years but now I've despaired and pleaded guilty in order to get the sentence reduced.

My counsel has arranged for me to have a psychiatric review on Friday. That could help to mitigate the sentence too. The actual sentencing is in a few weeks time. Needless to say, my mental state has not been improved by all this stuff going on.

The boozing is a separate story that started back in '95, but I don't want to waffle on too much. Thanks for your concern. You're very kind and your interest helps in itself.

Further apologies for my lack of consideration. I involve myself too much in my distractions in order to forget my problems. Then I suppose I tend to forget the human niceties too!

Cheers, toxx.

hi again,

If you would rather not talk about why you are being sentenced, then that's fine. I intuit that is something to do with paedophilia? Since you have alluded to this in the past on the god thread with regards to your case. But I could be wrong.

Although I would personally have a problem sympathising with a paedophile I would sympathise with someone making an effort to overcome a problem with this. Again, I'm not saying this is your case. I'm just saying how I would feel about it.

Are you planning to undergo some sort of therapy or treatment for your alcohol problem? What sort of medication are you on?

I can appreciate that someone mixing booze and pills is not often in control of their words and actions. I do hope you will look for some professional help with this. I'm sure that the physical toll your habits are taking on you do not help your emotional state at all. Although it may provide temporary comfort, dealing with hangovers and feeling like sh*t physically is a high price to pay. And there are better ways of coping, as I'm sure you know.

Had I known all of this about you before I would not have taken some of the things you said to me on the god thread so personally. On the other hand, the bottom line is that we *are* always responsible for our words and actions. But none of us are perfect. And I think we all benefit from being understood and cared about.

I hope you will find the help you need. I'm glad that you think my interest helps in itself. Well, if you ever want to talk more I am told that I'm quite a good listener.

take care,
az

ps

Do you know someone on h2g2 called OETZl?

Hi Az. I'm interested in photography and, lacking the means to buy expensive books of he works of my favourite photographers, I have downloaded similar work. I didn't realise that under UK law, what is legal in a book can be illegal when downloaded. In brief, that's because downloading counts as actually 'making' the photograph. The actual photographer tends to be in another country and beyond UK law. There is also a problem with stuff that gets swept in with a bulk overnight download, if it is not spotted and deleted quickly, when it's over the top or downright repellent. I am accused of deliberately acquiring what, for me, is spam of the worst kind! It isn't a story that will be believed even though such material is only a tiny percentage of what there is on my machine.

You see how even that summary of the matter can come out as rambling and overly technichal in the detail of how downloading from the newsgroups works. A jury would doze off and only be affected by the lurid nature of some of the 'spam', I'm pretty sure - and so is counsel. Hence the guilty plea to get the sentence reduced at least and a lot of work on mitigation.

On the medical stuff, I'm on the notorious Seroxat (a life saver as far as I'm concerned!), beta blockers and antihypertensives.

I hope you are well and happy. It would appear that you are at least content which is about as much as most of us can hope for on average.

Cheers, toxxin.

Interested in photography? I'm guessing you mean pornographic photography. Of children?

I don't know any of the drugs you mentioned. I have a cousin who is ten years older than me and was given anti-depressants willy-nilly by a so-called doctor. He also mixed these with alcohol. End result - he had not been able to leave his house for months by the time I saw him on a visit to Toronto. Luckily for him he was not fired from his job - they gave him a leave of absense.

When I saw what a terrible state he was in I convinced him to come out and meet me for a talk. This lasted about 15 minutes, after which he felt overwhelmed about 'being outside' and had to go home. Little by little I convinced him to see a doctor in TO that I know very well. And between my support and the help of this doctor, my cousin Fred was finally able to start working part-time again. And now, a few years later, he is doing just fine. Back to work full-time and able to function and - I hope - enjoying being alive.

So, I took his name, Fred, for the name of my personal god concept. Because after I had helped him he also helped me very much by giving me the plane fare to return to Spain (long story about how I ended up back in Toronto for awhile, but it turned out I was suddenly not able to get 'back home'. I was trapped and Fred helped me get home again).

It took a hell of a lot of strength for Fred to accomplish what he did. Okay, he had help, but the bulk of the work was done by him.

If you want to make changes Toxxin, you cannot do them on your own. You will need help.

az

Az. . No, I mean art photography of pretty girls. The kind of thing that David Hamilton has been publishing worldwide in hardback since the '60s without being prosecuted. I have not paid or traded for any of this stuff which is freely available on the net. Even if you find something wrong with it, the sources have not been contacted by me or benefitted in any way.

I don't deny having taken an interest in porn too. That is a separate issue from my photographic interests, although it has been top shelf porn that is freely available in any newsagents. Maybe there is some crossover. It seems to me that porn is a perfectly healthy thing, but you might disagree.

I don't know about getting cured of my medical problems, Az. I have been cured of cancer in the past and I guess I'm just glad to be alive if the neighbours would just leave me alone to get on with it.

Cheers, toxx.

So you never took any photographs yourself?

As for pornography, I mostly find it rather icky. They actually show quite hardcore porn here on a local tv channel after midnight. Which I find rather bizarre. As if they think teenagers are not awake after midnight. The stuff I have seen is mosty quite ugly, to be honest. It's all male oriented and I have read about women who take part in these films and their stories are very sad, that they had been victims of child sexual abuse and felt they were so worthless that why not make some money doing this.

I am no prude when it comes to sex, but I have never found porn films even remotely sexy. Mostly I just find them quite sad.

I know of David Hamilton's photography. I also know another pornographic photographer (can't remember his name at the moment) who took photos of his girlfriend. And I will admit that some of his photos could be seen as 'artistic'.

But they were of adult people. Not children.

If your interest, pornographically speaking, has to do with children then I will say without a doubt that this is NOT healthy in any way whatsoever.

I don't see you as having 'medical problems'. I think you have some quite serious psychological personal problems (depression, whatever) that your medicine does not help with. And neither does the booze. But you know this. You are not a stupid person, far from it.

What next? The neighbours should leave you alone to get on with what? Exactly?

I'm glad to hear you were once cured of cancer. But to be 'cured' of behaviour patterns that are not good for anyone, let alone yourself, this does take more than just medicine. Again, you know this.

I wonder what you will do next.

And you didn't say whether you knew this OETZl person. It's just that this person has been showing up on some other threads of mine talking about you.

az

Az. I don't know of this OETZI person. Maybe I do under some other name. Anything on their page?

I mentioned in my post that my porn interests have been in the top shelf magazines. No videos or kid stuff or even sexual activity. Just models posing. I've taken photos of landscapes, buildings, people etc. I own three SLRs and a few lenses. All second hand.

I think I would describe Hamilton's models neither as children nor adults. 'Adolescents' would be the word. In the UK all such photos are legal unless they are 'indecent' and only then if the models are unsder 16. Nobody knows what 'indecent' means; so this law is apparently contrary to Article 7 of the Human Rights Convention.

Az. I don't know of this OETZI person. Maybe I do under some other name. Anything on their page?

I mentioned in my post that my porn interests have been in the top shelf magazines. No videos or kid stuff or even sexual activity. Just models posing. I've taken photos of landscapes, buildings, people etc. I own three SLRs and a few lenses. All second hand.

I think I would describe Hamilton's models neither as children nor adults. 'Adolescents' would be the word. In the UK all such photos are legal unless they are 'indecent' and only then if the models are unsder 16. Nobody knows what 'indecent' means; so this law is apparently contrary to Article 7 of the Human Rights Convention.

hi again,

So how are you holding up? When are you going to know about your sentencing?

az

Hi there, az. It ain't easy! I have my annual cancer check on Wednesday then the sentencing is due for Nov 5th.

However ............ I'm considering changing my plea back to not guilty because of the Aaron Caffrey verdict of last week and a related case. Needless to say, my lawyers have not mentioned these things and again it has been up to me to dig them out.

hi toxx,

Would you be comfortable telling me *exactly* what you are being charged with?

I don't know anything about the Aaron Caffrey verdict.

I do hope your annual cancer check turns out well. I have a friend who had stomach cancer - totally cured thank god - who also has to go back for an anuual test.

It's a lot of stress to be under. I *was* just joking this morning by offering you a pint of beer for breakfast. I hope you are drinking a bit less these days, though I am sure the stress cannot help with this.

az

toxxin,

You know, you *almost* had me fooled there for awhile, to the point where I even began caring about you. I actually thought you had meant your previous apology to me. I had thought your change of heart was genuine, not that you had just 'trained yourself' not to say anything to upset me. Ah well. Now I know that you are only not posting to me when you think what I say is 'daft'.

Well anyhow, it is always better to know how things really stand.

Good luck to you toxxin, have a good life.

az

Az. of course I meant the apology. I was apologising for saying something that upset you. As evidence of my sincerity, I trained myself not to do it any more.

I disagree with plenty of opinions, so don't feel that I'm singling you out. I've disputed with about everyone on the GFF thread who's not a total newbie, I reckon. In your own words:

In his #13318, Alji said to me "Toxx, that's a load of tosh!" I don't go making a fuss about that. I think you're being oversensitive.

toxx