h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I just wanted to say how utterly brilliant you are and... . .
so what's up with the suicidal drama queen thing in the name?? Hmmm? I dont want to over-react to it so I thought I'd just ask first what the origin is and go from there . . .

Kosh

I'm going through a phase of changing the bit between 'Stealth' and 'Kamanchi' quite frequently, it was 'Bad Influence' for about a year... I mixed up two lines from 'The Outsider' by A Perfect Circle.

"The Outsider

Help me if you can
It's just that this, this is not the way I'm wired
So could you please,

Help me understand why
You've given in to all these
Reckless dark desires

You're lying to yourself again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the faultline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this. Why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess. I don't want to watch you.

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

Medicated, drama queen, picture perfect, numb belligerence
Narcisistic, drama queen, craving fame and all its decadance

Lying through your teeth again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it, put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Go with this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, I don't wanna watch you...

Disconnect and self destruct one bullet at a time
What's your rush now, everyone will have his day to die

They were right about you
They were right about you

Lying to my face again
Suicidal imbecile
Think about it put it on the fautline
What'll it take to get it through to you precious
Over this, why do you wanna throw it away like this
Such a mess, come to this, come to this

Disconnect and self destruct, one bullet at a time
What's your hurry, everyone will have his day to die
If you choose to pull the trigger, should your drama prove sincere,
Do it somewhere far away from here "

I'm not in any way Narcisistic, and imbecile is a word I only occaisionally apply to myself. I do suicidal feelings alot of the time, and I think so people have the idea that I'm being histrionic or a drama queen by talking about it when those feelings are nearing there most powerful. I sometime write journals to get the thought out of my head and onto the screen where I can sometime deal with them more rationally, not much more rationally but a bit. Sometimes it helps.

Now you see, here's a problem with the world as it is . . . The white-coats call it "suicidal" - and a lot of things besides . . .I just call it a very helathy understanding that we just dont "want to be here" a lot of the time. And hey, just look at the world - so does that make us crazy or them?
I asked about the name because in the brief exhanges we've had, you've touched a button for me on "labelling". Your diagnosis, your thoughts, what you call youself - I have this image of a being held up by labels . . . but that's so not who you are.

Who is the person behind the diagnosis, behind the name-caling and the categorizing. So you dont want to be here? Hey, I relate deeply to that - but I dont allow myself to see it as a disorder to be diagnosed. I think I'm pretty sane thank you very much! I think anyone who isn't receptive to how shocking the world really is is possibly a bit nuts.

I cried of psycologist when I was still young and have taken a different route - alternative healing, understanding and a path of self-aceptance. The other alternative looks to me like a way of pegging certain wiring within us and trying to isolate that out and make it resposible for all our problems. Like isolating a circuit and saying - Ah! there's the offending beast! Now cut that out - how does that help us heal? How does that help us embrace all of who we are?

I'm not saying you're wrong at all, these are the terms that have been given you by the white-coats and perhaps for you they give you comfort, I just dont think stealth will be whole until you can embrace your "not wanting to be here" as a part of who you are - not isolating it to a corner and becoming defined by the stuggle against it.

More than this is just the truth for me that not wanting to be here - to me - seems like a perfectly healthy way to see the world. And it is our choice, everyday - wether we stick arround or not. That makes me feel powerfull, know that I choose to stick arround for today, and see what happens. Not wanting to be here can be a gift, if we dont fight it. It brings the world into living colour and forces us not to accept compromise. For if I AM going to stick arround, it had Better be good!

I'm a terrible chicken about pain though, I just get lost in the pain and cry myself out. I learnt - thankfully - that it doesn't kill me to hurt, and so I've taught myself to allow it to wash through. Afterwards I do feel cleansed though. My sadness takes me inside myself . . . to a place of stillness and eventually somewhere in there, I find peace. I want to be here less and less the more I hold myself back from sitting IN my sadness . . .

Be well sweets, you're more than the names and the diagnosis and the words, and the whole of you is perfect . . . if you'll let it be. Perhaps your sadness will take you to somehwere new too . . It certainly wont kill you . . I promise.
And the truth that people like us really understand, is the miracle of us being here today at all . . . we made it this far, and what incredible celebration is in that. We're victors in that acheivement alone.

My core beliefs about myself and personality are my Borderline Personality Disorder... Finally admitting that I couldn't cope with my mental health problems alone, seeing my doctors and getting that diagnosis were important events. Having the diagnosis of BPD has helped me to understand myself better.
Suicidal is my own label for me... because I get overwhelming desires to kill myself. Because I believe that I deserve to die for being a falure, for being so ugly and disgusting, for being for being such a boring and banal person. For being stupid and pathetic.
I know that today or tomorrow will see another attempt to end my pointless life.
I contribute nothing to the world. I have no friends because I am impossible to like. I have no-one, I deserrve no-one and must die.