h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I had been hoping that the spooks would actually discuss espionage and was sadly disappointed by all the Dungeons-and-Dragons-style names etc.

I was nearly attacked with a washing machine earlier by one of your colleagues. I managed to convince him that "Double Agent" had a different meaning in my branch (Political Intelligence, Secret Service)and he calmed down.

I read something below about a "steaming Smiley". What are you playing at? He's one of the greatest agents of all time and he's small enough already.

Unless, of course you were referring to the efforts of a well-known, Scottish TV presenter to strip wallpaper.

tip never eat ungarded cake

You appear to have a cake obsession. Experts in Nutrition Section, Secret Service (NutSSS) tell me that this could be caused by dieting too much.

Of course, "cake" could be a drug reference. It was Chris Morris, who started all that nonsense, by persuading MP's and TV celebs that cake (which the MP's etc ASSUMED was a drug) was ruining young people's lives.

We have several types (of cake, not drugs) here. I assure you that all of it is kept locked around the clock (from the song of the same name). When you visit Political Information, Secret Service, you can check the arrangements yourself.

Sponges and Madeira are generally kept in "security cabinets", without combination locks but fruit cakes (of which we have a great many) are stored in blast-proof, fireproof safes.

MAX

well max...
my cake obsession is one of my own making....
i.e. if i made it dont eat it
(and i meen the not the other)

I didn't know your transfer to K (Kitchen) Section had come through. I'm glad to see that Project Cement (run jointly with the British Dental Association) is back on track. I once knew a girl, who was carrying out similar research but she had developed a cookie, which disintegrated, just after someone had picked it up.

This was successfully employed, some years ago, at a Sino-Soviet Summit, when the collapsing cookies were substituted for Russian biscuits. The Chinese got crumbs and chocolate chips all over their tunics and accused Moscow of trying to make them look like idiots. The talks collapsed, along with any prospect of a rapprochement between the two countries.

Smiley appears to have turned into a "DANGER: RADIOACTIVE" symbol. Did you accidentally drop him down the back of the microwave again?

Mrs Smiley will probably sue the Department, as a result of this carelessness, when she gets back from filming her latest lifestyle/ holiday series.

I was beginning to think that your cakes are flavoured with more than vanilla essence, so I took the precaution of sending some to our Housekeeping Branch for testing.

When I rang up to find out what they thought, Mrs Hesmondthwaite, a fearsome Yorkshire lady, who has been there for thirty-two years, said, sounding oddly like a Scarborough version of Bob Dylan, "hey, man, what's with all the questions? I mean, ooh, my cornflakes are gettin' all soggy 'n' everything."

Very puzzling but, at least, she did ask whether you had any more of those "far-out" cakes, so I assumed that it would be OK to begin a wider trial by our agents in the field. They were past their "Best Before" dates [That must have been "before the ingredients were combined"- Dir. Gen.], anyway.

I requested comments from officers at Station S, who are known for their expertise on anti-personnel confectionery, but, when I telephoned, one of the secretaries told me that they've been at a beach party for the last two days and show no sign of returning to the Embassy Compound. [Apparently they've now changed to a different brand of tobacco.] They've also sent L (Larder) Section a requisition for fifty tonnes of salt and vinegar crisps, twenty of cheese and onion and ten of prawn cocktail.

I can only guess that they are looking out for submarines or something and are using the party as a cover. The crisps will probably be used to distract anyone, who lands from a sub. Sailors spend a lot of their time drinking and, after three months at sea (without so much as a packet of pork scratchings) they'll be desperate for light bar snacks, especially salty ones. Yes, there's a logical explanation for everything, you know.

well my cakes have been knowen to contain...
more toxic ingerdience...
one of my meny wepons for the unsuspecting
congratulations on sending it to analysis.. and getting A result last time someone did that the analisis dep sudenly had to recrute more staff

Do you make "Fifteens" as well?

You couldn't mix some up and send them over, could you?

We're holding a reception for our counterparts in the Slocromolakian Department of State Security (Slo DoSS) over here tonight and the fridge is empty.

PS We've no lemonade either.

*sigh*

*mixes a few cakes and pasterys then makes a few cocktails and other drinks...*
will you be needing anything else?

No thank you, dear, that'll do for now.

Your medal's in the post.

P.S. Did you remember to include the amnesiac's formula in the condensed milk? We don't want any of these foreigners taking away our secrets.

yes i rememberd,,,
makeshure thay dont have more than one serving though... its strong stuff

Good show!

well i do try to please all my customers

I feel I should recommend you for a special bonus, a customer care award or even a gong. [They're very handy for letting people know that your cakes are ready.]

well that will make shure the juniours get them out of the oven in time...
i always have to remind them that its no longer than twenty minets at a moderate heat

I'm beginning to see where you've been going wrong.

Still, I'm sure we can sort it out.

Don't look at me like that: you know I only tell you these things for your own good.

well...
if your shure....

Yes, I am.

*sigh*
training chefs is harder than it sounds...
you have to start them off easy...
washing vegitables...
then maybe on to peeling the potatos...