h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

David, I'm so sorry about your friend. Losing a friend is tragic. Losing someone at such a young age is doubly tragic. It makes us realize what a gift life truly is and that we need to appreciate our time here and savor it as much as possible while we can.

We all grieve in our own way and on our own schedule. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you should be feeling things or not feeling things. But above all, don't give in to despair. I truly believe that the best way to remember a loved one and to honor their life is to be happy and do the things they would have wanted you to do.

If you need to talk, my ear is always available.

With affection,
Hyp

Thanks. I think all of us in the house are feeling slightly under pressure to grieve in the way that others expect us to at the moment - our house is traditionally open to all, which becomes difficult sometimes.

I think I know what you mean about doing the things he'd want me to do. I have returned to rehearsals for two shows now after weeks and weeks off. The first one for one of them, Footloose, felt unbelievably surreal. I almost wanted to withdraw from the show, but theatre was one of my friend's passions, and he was one of the few people who would be honest about my performances. He thought this part would be just right for me, and I want to honour him in doing it.

My brother-in-law's suicide is preying on my mind. He went into such a deep depression when Sis died that he just couldn't climb out. The thing is, and this may sound harsh, but there is a point where grief becomes self-indulgent. It doesn't just affect the grieving person because their inability to move on imposes their situation on everyone around them.

What my sister would have wanted was for him to go on with his life and be there to support his kids and the grandsons, to keep their lives as normal as possible. Those boys spent a part of nearly every day of their lives at Sis's house. They baby-sat them until they were old enough to start school and then after school until their mom got off work. And a great deal of that time was spent with their grandfather, doing guy stuff. When he killed himself they didn't just lose their grandfather, whom they adored, they lost a way of life.

What scares me about that sort of grief is that the person gets so low that they genuinely can't reach beyond their own pain and despair to see how they are affecting the people around them. You can't help them because they block out everything except their pain.

Anyway, I'm really glad you're rehearsing again. It may sound corny, but doing things that your friend would have done is a way of keeping him with you, not pushing him out of your memory as some people seem to think. I believe that somehow our loved ones are there with us, enjoying our experiences and cheering us on. I just don't agree with the folks who think that being sorrowful is the way to show we love someone and miss them.