h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I just couldn't resist passing this one on...

God: " Frank, you know all about gardens and nature; what in the world
is going on down there in the U.S.? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistles and the stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect
no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought, and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees, and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colour by now. All I see
are patches of green."

St. Francis: " It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. They are
called
the Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass."

God: " Grass? But it is so boring, it's not colourful. It doesn't
attract butterflies, bees or birds, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
grass
growing there?"

St. Francis: "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it has grown a little,
they cut it....sometimes two times a week."

God: "They cut it? Do they bale it like hay?"

St. Francis: "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags."

God: " They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?"

St. Francis: " No sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away."

God: " Now let me get this straight...they fertilise it to make it grow
and when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?"

St. Francis: "Yes, sir."

God: "These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back
on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and
saves
them a lot of work."

St. Francis: " You aren't going to believe this Lord, but when the
grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water
it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it."

God: " What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in
the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn
they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep the moisture in
the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the
leaves
become compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life."

St. Francis: " You'd better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall,
the Suburbanites rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled
away."

God: " No way! What do they do to protect the shrubs and tree roots in
the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?"

St. Francis: " After throwing the leaves away, they go out and buy
something called mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place
of the leaves."

God: " And where do they get this mulch?"

St. Francis: "They cut down the trees and grind them up to make mulch."

God: " Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Saint
Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled
for us tonight?"

St. Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber," Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about...."

God: " Never mind--I think I just heard the whole story from Saint
Francis!"

az

How true and funny!
Thanks for the laugh

Matholwch,

Thank you for reminding me about this one and giving me a good laugh. I am not sure I have this ending though so I must go check! I received it quite a while ago and saved it. I printed it off for a friend who was obsessed with his lawn

It has shades of Sir Walter Raleigh and the appearance of cigarettes - are you familiar with the monologue? I can't remember who did it at the moment but I am sure someone will tell us

Both speak such truth about modern life but are so funny. Isn't it time we ALL took a long hard look at ourselves

Websailor

I passed this along to some people also


Hope another God-People story is OK.
I have always liked the story of a flood and a beliver in God.

A Man prays to be saved from a flood.
One boat comes and he says no, God will save me.
A second boat comes and he replies the same way.
AFter the third boat was declined by the man , he dies soon afterwards.

He gets to heaven and asks God why he was not saved by his prayers.
God says;
I answered your prayers. I sent you 3 boats!
I (God speaking) always help those whom help themselves