h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well I was this month going to rant about dogs but I have been instructed by a anonymous friend (ok so it was Tacysa) that this would be a bad idea given my little knowledge in the area. Instead if she wishes to go ahead and create her own rant on said topic I shall keep it so that she can and I will have a "guest rant" as it were. I am sure that now I am running out of topics there will be a lot more of these from any number of people who could be real, imaginary or in fact in a quantum state between these two. So while I am in a procrastinating mood I am going to rant about phones.

Phones.
They are both a bane and a beautiful thing. In terms of a bane I hate having to use them and talking to people on them. They annoy the heck out of me as talking on them is always impersonal. It seems like the other person might not actually be listening to you, you can see there face and for some reason they are worse than things like MSN chat. They do allow one to communicate over long distances without the aid of a internet connection and since the phone was invented before the net, there are a lot more phones than modems.

Problems with phones:

endless speak vs endless price:
With phones you have charges of money per second. I can talk for say 20 mins and get a bill of $20 thats 1c per second. This is of course immaterial. It does not cost $20 to connect me, connect the other person, maintain the line, keep the power up and have the operator (now a nice big computer) connect the call. Especially in our now digital system. It probably doesn't cost much more than 20 cents and that included the amount it cost to maintain the line between me and the people I talk to 20 minutes for (one person I can think of actually). and this costs goes up in a seemingly unknown pattern if you use all sorts of tools and things. And it seems to change so much that a weekly pattern can be found as to fit some form of conspiracy theorists idea of the perfect number. Whatever number this is I can assure you that dialing it probably gets you to a telephone exchange in Madagascar.

Tools and Features:
Its not a new thing that phones have tools and features that get more and more sophisticated and indigestibly unknown every day. Form the list of my local phone company (Telstra Australia) there are more than about 10 different things I can do ON A NORMAL PHONE! Muti-person chat, conference call, hold, redial, message-bank, transfer number; just to name a few. Even more weird is how many of these features seem to cost some weird amount. Adding to whatever price the telco decides to charge me this week!

Mobile Heaven (HEVAN?)
Its not new news that mobile phones are fast becoming the new ideal tool. Already in Holland, Japan and I am sad to say my great country there are more mobile phones connected to the network then there are people! This sort of thing is not just beyond belief it is beyond any number of things that it can't be adequately explained by science, religion or even sociologists. Just to make sure I asked a budding sociologists if he could explain this phenomenon. He never returned my e-mail. This either proves that I typed it wrongly, or he just hasn't checked his mail yet (if it is a he that is). I too have to say that I own one of these devices and my calls are currently paid for in full by my parents as a birthday present as I am unable to get any paid work (this is to be a subject of a new and much angrier rant). Now why have even I your faithful left wing nut-case subscribed to this of all middle class wankerage? Well because having held out for 5 years since I was last asked If I would like a mobile, my brother and mother getting a phone so I got the same make and model that they did, but a slightly different "plan". I don't know exactly what a "plan" is or what exactly it allows me to do other than mine lets me have 3 free phone numbers to call. At current these are home, big brother, dad, and apparently I can change them as long as I remain on my current plan. I am completely confused over what plan is best or worst for me and I have no real idea what is available from other mobile phone companies other than less coverage and more spam. Apparently you can also sign yourself up to a whole bunch of services via SMS, things like new phone tones, new backgrounds, new pretty much anything you like. I don't sign up for these but I can be assured by my a very easy reasoning complex that these all cost more money and are probably not worth the expense.

Good things about Phones:
Communication is of course essential to being more than a simple animal and since I am a human, talking is something I must do. I have friends to talk to and invite round, hobbies to continue, and of course the essential calling of mother and father to talk too to say "hey I am going to be late, early, need a lift, money, etc" great compassion I have huh?
Also these is the fantastic fact that you don't have to sign up to any of the crap to get the best parts of the phone. I love the fact that I can officially say that all that is in my phone is my friends numbers and some organizer stuff! and thats all I want my phone to ever do. I don't want photo's, movies or music, radio or shit like that. 56k of bandwidth and a Dial tone is all I want!

I have a strange feeling I double posted this, sorry.

Nope, no double post. I, myself, love telephones. A lot of my friends I rarely see, so telephones are very handy. I hate calling people; but, if someone calls me, I can chatter happily for hours.

Yeah, yeah, I haven't posted anything substantial in awhile. Tonight.

you don't have to, I won't post for 3 weeks now

You will but probably not a rant.

Yeah your right, but I think there is at least one person who comes here just for my rants

Really? Who?

One of my friends, Marc.

Ah... I like oranges.

So do I.

Citrus fruit is nice.

Cumquats most especaily

Are kumquats citrus fruit?????

YEAH!

Truly?

Yes, it really is a citrus

So I have found. Wow.

you learn something every day, socks before trousers for example

Er...no. I put on my socks very last.

I forget all the time