h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hiya,

Just wanted to post this here rather than on the Depression thread, as I thought it might take it off in a tangent. I also thought that I might be posting utter tosh, so I hope some of the below is helpful!

I'm a Christian, and I got married in June , and me and my now-hubby *really* struggled with the sex-before-marriage thing. We had more lapses than I can count (without blushing, at least) and sometimes these really put a strain on our relationship; as in, if we can't hold God's standard now, how can we do it at all? We just tried to be as open and honest with each other as possible, even about things which otherwise might have made us feel embarrassed. I don't know of any Christian couple which can claim a perfect record in this area, so you're not alone and you're not odd. If sex wasn't any good, God wouldn't have given us the drive for it.

I often feel like I don't deserve the wonderful man I married, and sometimes when I feel down, I treat him really badly as I'm half convinced he's about to run away and leave me (I get nasty, irrational, I push him away when he wants to comfort me, etc). Maybe this is one aspect of what your fiance is doing? God is slowly taking me through my past and clearing up what's made me this way, but it took me a long time to be able to see that I had the problem. I don't know if your fiance is able or willing to go through his feelings with someone at his church, but it may help.

Equally, I don't know if you can get support through your church too, but it may help. The church I go to (Leamington Vineyard) is pretty small but very close knit; they're my second family and I wouldn't be the person I am now without their help. Mine and Dave's marriage wouldn't have happened without their help, that's for sure!

Good luck and God bless,

Lins (aka Rains)

Hiya,

Thanks for dropping by!

The sex before marriage thing is an immense struggle - sometimes we've had more than one lapse in a single day. Quite often I feel as though other Christian couples I know are really pure and innocent, and we're the only ones who are struggling... but then again, people probably don't realise that I struggle with it so much! Luckily I find it easy to talk to my fiancé about it without getting embarrassed - my chaplain said that our problems will help us a lot in the future because they'll improve our communication skills. The only trouble we find is that talking about it often causes us to be "naughty" in one way or another, to the extent that even discussing it on the phone can lead to us having conversations of an inappropriate nature! Was there anything that you found particularly helped you and your fiancé?

My university church is amazing - it's big, but I've developed a very close-knit group of friends there. I'm glad you found your church so supportive! I'm hoping that my man will be able to talk to our chaplain about how he's feeling, both of us have talked to him about all sorts of problems before. It's wonderful to have someone like that who'll pray with us and talk things through from a Christian perspective. It quite often surprises me how little my non-Christian friends understand the problems Christians face! Did you speak to anyone at church about your feelings when you were low?

God bless you!

Hiya!

To be honest, I think me and my fiance were similar to you, in that just talking about it often led us down that road! At one point we decided we weren't going to do anything except kissing, which lasted about 2 weeks before the stress of sitting there not daring to hug each other in case of going too far just got on top of us . In the end we agreed to be mutually accountable and, no matter how much we wanted to go further, we agreed to stop each other if one of us went further than we agreed. This was about the only thing that helped us, although we still had oral sex when we just couldn't resist any more ! We still felt a bit uncomfortable about going that far sometimes, but we weren't doing it every time we saw each other, so we reasoned it could be worse.

Some couples at my last church did things like not spending time together alone, and not doing anything that you wouldn't be happy about your parents or friends seeing, but I think that had a varying success rate. We didn't try these options out, in part because for a long time Dave was working really long and silly hours, so I rarely saw him apart from at weekends (and a chat on the phone twice a week). The only thing I can say is forgive yourselves and each other when things go too far, and start again.

I'm getting there with speaking about my feelings and asking for prayer and help in church. I always used to feel like no-one would want to listen or help me; but more often than not a member of church would get a word from God for me which would cut right to the heart of how I was feeling and encourage me to ask for help. Dave encourages me to ask for help, too, and when we have our Bible study time in the evenings he'll often pray for me (and I pray for him, too). More often than not I'll discuss my feelings with Dave before I'll air them in church, and I'm really grateful to have him supporting me.

One thing that my church has suggested is that I go for a healing week or weekend at a Christian centre in Harnhill so that I can have some really intensive ministry that at the moment the church can't properly provide for me, so I'm thinking and praying about what to do. I've only been a Christian for 2 years and have had some pretty bad experiences that I've suppressed, and God is gradually clearing up the mess and allowing things to come to the surface. The trouble is I've suppressed this stuff for so long it's against all my instincts to let it out . The fact that I'm able to acknowledge to my friends there's this lump of pain and grief that needs unravelling and cleansing is a big step forward for me.

I'm sorry for the huge essay. I hope it helps to know you're not unusual . I couldn't even begin to explain all this to any non-Christians without sounding totally weird, so I know what you mean - I would never have understood any of this before I became Christian!

God bless you and take care,

Lins

Thanks for the huge essay!

We've tried all sorts of extreme things - my fiancé was more eager to do the zero-tolerance thing than I was. We even gave up kissing for lent... it was awful! Once we decided only to see each other in public places, and in the evenings would sit and chat in the college chapel. Usually the chat would end up being all about how much one of us wanted to drag the other one up to their room and do naughty things, and we'd either give in or argue! We also tried the mutual accountability thing, but the problem was there would almost always come a point when one of us had tempted the other past the point of no return.

We talked to my chaplain about it, and she said we were drawing the lines far too strictly, and as a result weren't keeping each other happy. I thought that was a very fair thing to say, but Chris, who's had quite a puritanical upbringing, got in a mood about this and said she was far too liberal. He read a book on relationships by a chap who didn't even kiss his girlfriend until they were married. Those standards are OK for some, but they can't work for everyone!

The healing week/weekend sounds awesome! It's great that you can get such good support in turning to God - I find it's sometimes difficult to know where to start sometimes, but the amazing truth is that God can cleanse your spirit and make everything new. I've just started going to counselling about my many issues, although I'm not entirely sure yet how it'll help. It's a bit weird booing your eyes out to a complete stranger who, when your hour's up, just sends you out, wishes you luck, opens the door and shouts "next!". It must be very strange to work as a counsellor... in a pythonesque kind of way...

I get worried about talking to my church friends about my problems... I never like to seem like a moaner! However, people are always very enthusiastic to help me, and can usually even make me giggle at my own problems! One of them sent me a book when I was feeling low, and it really inspired me.

How did you become a Christian? I came from a CofE family and always believed in God, but only properly explored my faith when I started to become interested in philosophy of religion when I was about 15.

God bless you

Hiya!

I was about to say, it sounds like Chris has had a very strict upbringing - it sounds like he sets himself such high standards he can never meet them, and then he beats himself up and makes himself feel bad because he failed. Dave was telling me about a couple he knew he just gave each other pecks on the cheek until they got married - and neither of us thought we could have done that!! I was wondering if you've heard of this book - it's called Total Forgiveness, by RT Kendall, and it helped me when I was starting to sort through my "stuff". It also covers self-forgiveness which is very helpful. It's really cool that your chaplain is happy to listen and gives fair advice .

I was brought up in a totally secular family and I had no experience of religion or God beyond that taught in school, and in my teens I'd been very curious about the paranormal and the unexplained; I dabbled in a few things at the time and stopped, as even then I felt they were evil without knowing why. By the time I went to uni I was pretty much like most people in this country; happy enough to believe in *a* God, but not *the* God.

It's funny how I became a Christian, and quite a long story as it's tied into how I started going out with Dave. About 9 months after I started work here on a graduate training scheme (I was 22 and just out of uni), me and Dave started going out (this is another long story in itself!). I already knew he was a Christian, and he's from a Christian family, and he knew I wasn't, but he'd semi-lapsed at this point so we went headlong into a full relationship if you know what I mean . After 6 months or so Dave felt called to go back to church which meant us giving up sex - which as I wasn't Christian, I was not at all happy about. Then I thought about it, and decided that even if I didn't understand or agree with how he felt, I didn't want to lose him, so we agreed to try and abstain from sex. I asked Dave lots of questions about God and church, and he showed me an Alpha course booklet - he even prayed for me a few times, with amazing results, but I still wasn't sure about Jesus.

I knew another Christian girl at work, who'd recently got married, and we ended up working together on one of the graduate scheme projects. After a while, at which point me and Dave had been going out about a year, I started asking her loads of questions about Christianity, and she told me that her church was about to run an Alpha course, and did I want to go? I jumped at the chance, and I was saved on the Holy Spirit weekend when I really met with God and committed myself to Him .

Dave was well pleased, and it moved him to recommit properly to Jesus . My parents were a bit surprised, especially my dad, who said "if I'd thought you'd ever become religious, I'd have thought you'd have been more a Buddhist!" . But they still love me anyway, even if they groan if I mention God. They even came to my baptism (which was an amazing event!). Even they've noticed the changes in my personality (I'm a much calmer and nicer person) and they're happy that I'm happier.



If you're trying to sort out all your feelings and thoughts, counselling can be very useful, as I think they act very much as a sounding-board and listening post, and occasionally offer suggestions to help. I imagine it must be very odd and sometimes tricky to be a counsellor, and it's a job that I can imagine can be draining at times.

I've tried counselling twice - once it was very useful, and the second time it wasn't so useful, mostly because I was far too guarded to ever be brutally honest about myself and my feelings . But that's part of the mess God is now untangling; one of the best things is that God takes it at as slow or as fast a pace as you can handle.

Exploring the philosophy of religion sounds quite heavy-going - did it really help cement your faith?

This might sound odd, but if you want to bounce things off me, I can try to listen and help. Not sure how much help I can be, but I often find another perspective can be useful .

Have a good week and God bless,



Lins

Hiya!

That book sounds great - hadn't heard of it! It's brilliant that churches put on events like the Alpha course to help people explore Christianity. I should think going to a church service would be quite a daunting experience for people who aren't yet devoted Christians. My church organises jazz evenings, where there's normally a huge dinner and then a talk about what Christians believe, and quite a few of my non-Christian friends have been along to them. Some have become more interested and started asking questions, and now it's up to God to do the rest!

My mother tends to groan or make sarcastic comments when I talk about church - she thinks my church is far too intense and that I'm too religious. Sometimes it upsets me, but she's made it clear that I can do whatever makes me happy. I've just found out about a pastoral care team at my church, and think that talking through my issues in a God-centred way might be better for me. Certain things I've been through lately have brought a lot of my issues from earlier life to the surface, and it's very painful sometimes. Hopefully once I've become comfortable with myself again they'll have been sorted out for good, rather than swept under the carpet as they were before.

Thanks for offering to listen - I find that having several perspectives on things helps greatly, because sometimes my own views of life get so confused. When things are getting me down, often I only have to talk to someone for a relatively short amount of time before they convince me that I'm over reacting to things. My best friend always succeeds in making me laugh and not letting me lose sight of my sense of the ridiculous!

People tend to think that Chris and I should complement each other well seeing as we both have our issues, but instead we tend to help each other blow things out of proportion! Also, I sometimes find myself talking to my counsellor as though I'm in an interview, which really isn't the right way to treat it! I'm gradually becoming less guarded, and less afraid to express my feelings... although I'm sure it would help if she plied me with !

Have you ever had problems with forgiving yourself for things? I often do very silly little things that make me feel hugely guilty, and sometimes get very angry with myself and think I don't deserve all the good things in my life. It helps to remember God's grace and love, and to remember that even my calmest and most organised friends lose their temper or get forgetful sometimes, so it doesn't make me a bad person!

The philosophy of religion helped me to realise just how much sense Christianity makes, despite there being aspects of it that are far too great for our minds to understand. The philosophy of Einstein is particularly inspiring, he reflected on how awesome the universe is and how this reflects God's brilliance as creator. Have you read any of the C S Lewis books?

Anyway, must be off - there's no peace for final year undergrads here!

God bless

Hiya

Final year undergrad? I can remember all that stress, so I hope you're doing OK . I don't miss uni at all, I have to admit. What are you studying?

I like the idea of a jazz evening and talk - it sounds fun . I know a lot of people are very scared and sceptical about religion in general, so something as non-threatening and non-religious can help take the worry and fear out of it for people. I think people expect us to want to bash them around the head with it till they admit defeat, really . I remember I used to think that, too, till I actually met some Christians .

I find lots of perspectives useful too, especially as when I'm stressed or depressed everything tends to get out of proportion and I can panic. My best friends are good at making me see the funny side, too. Luckily Dave is much more emotionally stable than me (and far more patient!) so he calms me down quickly, too. It's good to have people around us who can do that .

I do have problems forgiving myself, too - I read that paragraph and pretty much said yes to every bit of it! I often feel like you there. I really beat myself up for stupid little mistakes, which I blow up out of all proportion, and I feel like I have to be 100% perfect - which is of course impossible. I try to remember that other people make mistakes and get forgiven, and that no-one, especially God, has a little clause that says "forgive everyone except Lins".

I also have a tendency to blame myself for bad things that have happened to me; as if somehow I could have avoided them. Plus I have a tendency to retreat into myself when I'm hurt or angry and I become a bit of a hedgehog - I hide from the world and become extremely prickly. Fortunately Dave is extremely patient and understanding, and I'm gradually becoming less hedgehog-like.

I felt like it was too formal with the second counsellor I saw - it really did feel like an interview - plus she headed straight into Freudian territory all about my parents, rather than dealing with what I actually went to see her for . She didn't seem interested in talking about what I'd gone there with, or even explaining what she was trying to do with all the talk about my parents. And she didn't ply me with either! Are you now going to see people at church over it, instead of counselling?

I'm very good at locking my issues away in a mental basement rather than dealing with them, and some of them have also popped up again recently, so I know how that feels. It's so tempting to try and push them away again, but you know that they'll just keep resurfacing till you look at them.

I've read a couple of CS Lewis books - primarily Mere Christianity, The Screwtape Letters, and The Great Divorce. They're brilliant, especially Mere Christianity . He had a real gift for explaining concepts that normally we just can't get our heads around. I've found that The Screwtape Letters is a useful book, too.

Big and God bless - have a good week!

Lins x

Hi Lins

Wow, I haven't been on hootoo in ages! So much work/sport/sleeping to be done... it's a hard life being a finialist. I'm studying maths and philosophy at Oxford and it's really difficult - can't wait to actually have a proper job where I won't be asked to analyse archaic systems of logic that have no application to reality! Where did you go to uni and what did you study?

I know what you mean about people being scared of religion in general. A friend who I visited this weekend was saying that her Christian Union frightened her off - and she's actually a Christian! Apparently they were very much into dancing around and holding hands and singing in an overly enthusiastic way, and she's quite shy and found their friendliness and ness a bit false and embarrassing. It's a case of striking a balance, because being overly glum wouldn't work either! The jazz evenings are great, because they dispel the myth that Christians don't know how to have a good time .

Feeling guilty and blaming yourself is really depressing. One of the best bits of advice I've had is that if even God can forgive you, it's silly not to forgive yourself since God is so infinitely greater than you. Still, I often find myself thinking when I feel guilty thinking that I'm so naughty that I can't really be a proper Christian at all, and somehow get it into my head that God would only forgive the good Christians (who occasionally eat too much or mildly if they do something very painful!).

My counselling's going better now, I'm finding it easier to be open and express my feelings. A friend gave me details of the pastoral care team at church, and I'm hopefully going to find the time to go and see them. I tend to worry that they'll think I'm a bad Christian though! The Freudian stuff about your parents must've been a bit worrying... my counsellor asks me about my upbringing quite a lot, but that's mainly (I hope!) because a lot of my problems have been linked to my family life.

I hope you had a nice holiday - where did you go? I went on a break to Wales at the weekend, and now (in theory) I'm supposed to be refreshed and ready to do battle with the next essay crisis!

God bless!

Hiya!

Maths and philosophy sounds like very heavy going - good luck! . Have you got any career plans (apart from not studying archaic logic systems)? I went to Oxford Brookes and I did Automotive Engineering, with a year's placement in industry. I found it quite funny that a place as un car-friendly as Oxford has a university offering Automotive courses .

I know what you mean - people think that you can't have a good time if you're a Christian, and that you frown on anyone else having a good time, too. Our church has started running some small Alphas and they seem to reflect our church really well; a great meal (we seem to eat out and eat together far more than any other church I know about!) and a good laugh. At the moment the Christians seem to outnumber the non-Christians, but the non-Christians are enjoying it. Well, we haven't scared them off, anyway .

Sometimes I keep thinking I can't be a proper Christian 'cos I'm too naughty too, and I have to keep reminding myself of God's grace as well. At the moment I'm really struggling with work (hence being on hootoo ) and having a real battle trying to do the best I can in an environment where the best I can give is never going to please anyone . I try to remember that it doesn't matter what people here on Earth think, it's what God thinks that matters!

The Freudian stuff really did worry me. Basically, I went to counselling after a male friend who was on my degree course sexually assaulted me, and I was emotionally in a real mess. Because I didn't come forward about it straight away (trying to forget it) a lot of people openly disbelieved me and told me I was making it up to be malicious, and I felt very alone and retreated into myself, which pushed away those who did want to help . It didn't help that I went to the uni authorities and went to the Police, and I effectively got him kicked off the course and wrecked his relationship at the time, too. That's a very brief summary of what happened - and I'm still dealing with it over 7 years later . Who knows, maybe the counsellor was trying to find out my attitude to men through my upbringing? But I couldn't see an obvious link .

for going on there. I'm still trying to find a time to go for proper healing ministry to get this out - it's not so much my attitudes to men that have been affected as much as my attitudes to myself, and getting married has brought a lot of this back up. I count myself lucky to have a husband in Dave that I can talk to about all this and who supports me in trying to get through it, even on my bad days. He's a real to me!

It makes sense to me for the counsellors to ask about your family if a lot of your issues are linked to our family life. Great to hear it's going better - it's probably you and the counsellor getting used to each other and relaxing a bit . I'm sure the pastoral care team won't think anything about whether you're a bad Christian or not - I can't imagine anything like that popping into their minds.

We didn't go too far for our holidays - we had a long weekend at Dave's parents in Dorset, which was nice, and then we spent most of the rest of the week trying to finish decorating the living room. We've painted all the woodwork, replaced the carpet with laminate floor, and got some curtains. We hired a van and went to Ikea to get new furniture, and managed to give away our old furniture, too. It sounds a lot busier than it felt . Mostly it was nice not to have to get up at 6am for work everyday !

Whereabouts in Wales did you go? I've only been to Wales a couple of times, and I'd love to go more as it's a beautiful country. I hope you had a great time . I hope the essay crisis is improving, too.

God bless!

Lins

Hiya

Hope you've had a good week. It sounds as though you've been through a lot . It must've been really awful to feel as though so many people were disbelieving you, it must've made it very hard for you to trust people. The Freudian stuff seems to have been completely unnecessary, since your problems were recent rather than from your childhood, and you would've almost certainly been very upset regardless of your upbringing. Don't worry about going on about things - talking about problems is good for you!

You're really lucky to have such a supportive husband - my fiancé is only supportive when he feels like it, but hopefully he'll learn! He tends to blame me for things and get annoyed with me quite a lot, but some of it I'm sure is because I always blame myself for things. Sometimes I feel quite strong, and as though I've got better, only to find that something random happens and I cope really badly and then get told off by Chris.

The CU at a university one of my friends goes to actually told its members not to go to a certain ball, and gave no real reason except that some people drink too much there. That definitely promotes the idea that Christians aren't allowed to have fun! I went to the ball, and had a very good time whilst behaving myself, which is what Christians should do!

I went to Aberystwyth, it's a really lovely town. I have friends at uni there and had a brilliant time. It was really good to get away from Oxford for a few days. I may go to Brookes next year to do my law conversion - did you enjoy it?

I'm thinking of doing a law course after my degree and then becoming a solicitor. I'd much prefer to deal with people than numbers, and it'd be much more interesting than being a mathematician. My course is really difficult, and I'm regretting choosing it a bit. At the time, I wanted a challenge and that was definitely what I got!

Your church sounds really great - I don't think there are many really dynamic churches outside student areas. My church at home is an old fashioned CofE one, and the vicar is always complaining that the old people would stop going if he modernised the services.

Did you ever go to see a GP when you had problems? I did last week, but it upset me quite a lot to be medically labelled. Chris couldn't really understand what was wrong, or why I was so upset, but the doctor says I can bring him with me for my next appointment so hopefully he'll agree to that.

Anyway, best get back to the essay!

Hiya

I've had an OK week, I guess - just been planning what we want to do between now and the New Year with regards to seeing our families and friends. I somehow seem to have ended up with 3 weeks holiday to take over Christmas - which means I have just under 3 weeks of w*rk left . I just have the feeling that there should be more of this year left than there actually is .

That time was pretty bad, and to be honest it really clouded my time at uni, to the extent I remember it as the least favourite time in my life . To be honest though, Brookes is pretty good as a place to study, and the student support staff were brilliant to me when I was going through all that stuff. They accepted what I was saying, made sure I knew of all my options, and didn't pressure me into anything.

I didn't go to my GP, partly because I felt that they'd think I was being stupid and that I should just pull myself together. One of the female lecturers at uni really hurt me some 6 months after the incident, when she told me it was about time that I put it behind me and got on with things. I know she was telling me that to try and help, but she wasn't the most tactful of people and the way she told me stung, and after that I just decided to soldier on . Looking back I probably should have gone to my GP, but I just didn't know what to say, and I didn't think they'd believe me.

I can understand what you mean about being labelled, though - to actually be told you do have a disorder can be quite frightening, especially if it isn't clear how long getting better is going to take. I hope Chris will go with you . There's still a lot of stigma about depression and mental issues, and it's daunting. and - remember, it isn't your fault.



I still have huge, huge trust and self-confidence issues, as well as a need for approval and fear of disapproval, which seem to stem from this event . I have to say, there isn't a day goes by without me thanking God for letting me have Dave; I'm frequently amazed by his patience and love. Not that he's perfect - who is? - but he's amazingly supportive.

I hope Chris will be more supportive to you - his own problems probably don't help him here. I know when I'm in a bad spot I find it hard to be supportive to Dave. He might be blaming you because you blame yourself, or because he just doesn't know how else to react. It's natural to have ups and downs, though - I'll have days when I think I've cracked it, and then others when I wonder if I'm ever going to feel better. And it's always the really small, silly things that knock you off balance, isn't it?

I always remember that Jesus hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes and went to lots of parties where people were drinking - I don't think He minds if we go to parties where people do the same . I found what you said a bit surprising, really - it's no wonder some people think we all frown on having a good time .

I think you're right about alive churches being near student areas. I remember when we were on honeymoon, we stopped off in a Christian bookshop in Pickering. A woman came in and asked behind the counter if there were any "alive" churches nearby - and the woman behind the counter replied that sadly there weren't, unless you wanted to travel to York . I find that really sad.

Good luck with the essays - surely you can't have that long before you finish for Christmas? Law sounds just as daunting as mathematics to me - but I admit I prefer people to numbers, too.



Have a good week and catch up soon,

Lins

Hiya
Wow, I haven't been on hootoo for ages! The joys of being a finalist .

I'm feeling lots better now - didn't expect to get over the depression so quickly! I don't quite know how I've done it because my time at home over Christmas was very difficult. I had loads of job applications to do but my parents kept on picking arguments with me.

Chris and I are getting on really well at the moment, although it's possibly just that I'm being careful not to do the things that annoy him! We're both doing a lot of planning for the future at the moment, which is quite scary in a way but it's nice to know what I'm going to be doing for the next few years!

It must've been really awful to not think anyone would believe you - something like that would be difficult to bottle up. I'm glad you have such a supportive husband, and can put your trust in God.

I'm glad York has a lively church - it's one of the places I've applied to for a law course!

How was your Christmas and New Year? Must dash now, I'm in the library and ought to be getting on with my maths!

Hiya,

Great to hear things are a lot better . Job applications and law courses sound all very exciting, and I hope you get the one you want. I like York, it's a really nice place.

with your finals - you can't have long to go, can you?

Christmas and New Year was nice - reasonably busy, but it was nice to see our families and have some time to relax by ourselves. My family are up in Yorkshire and Dave's are down in Dorset, so we visited them either side and had our first proper Christmas together, which was lovely . We ordered our new laptop over Christmas so at least we have dial-up at home now!

Work is being difficult at the moment; I got caught hootooing at work, and although I've escaped with a verbal warning, I don't want to risk it . I have my appraisal tomorrow and I'm trying to pluck up th courage to ask to be moved to an entirely different department, as I think it might help me get interested in my work again.

Planning for the future is always nice; and I know I'm a lot happier when I know what's coming up, too. It's nice to have that security, isn't it? I'm so glad you and Chris are getting on better . I guess you've been talking marriage and job things?

I'd be lost without Dave and God, I really would. During the hard times I find it hard to remember God is with me all the time and wants to help. I still have really down times, but between them they'll sort me out .

Anyway, I need to go and do domestic things like cook stuff for lunch tomorrow and have a shower (the joys of hootooing at home!), so take care and see you soon.

Lins

Hiya

How's life?

Yet again I've managed not to hootoo for a bit - But I kind of miss wasting time on here! Bad luck getting caught hootooing at work, one of my friends was in a really boring job and would quite often talk to me on MSN when she was at work to say how bored she was... luckily I think she got away with it.

Just had a job rejection ... but I'm not too upset because I didn't really want to work for them anyway! Planning the future is good, but it's a bit stressful when I'm worried that we're going to end up at opposite sides of the country to each other, or without jobs. the one interview I've been to so far was for a job I decided I wouldn't have liked anyway. It was a mathematical job, and many of the other interviewees seemed frighteningly clever and took geekiness to a whole new level! Chris keeps on having phone interviews, which seem quite scary, and has had several rejections. It's lucky we only need one acceptance each!

How did the appraisal go, did you manage to move departments?

I was reading your journal a bit ago, and think it seems as though you're far better off without the friend who told you he didn't want to be your friend any more. I had a sort-of friend who was really getting me down - he wanted to meet for tea, and called me at really annoying times. I didn't really want to meet up with him for a multitude of reasons, but mainly because I hadn't spoken to him properly in ages, thought we'd outgrown each other as friends, and always felt *really* uncomfortable around him. The good voices in my head were telling me to tell him exactly how I felt, but the cowardly ones were saying "add his number to your call-barring system!". ... today things got so awkward that I just blurted everything out to him, and I thought he understood, even though he was being a bit annoying about it. Then when at the end of the conversation I asked him how things were going for him he said "a whole lot better now" really sarcastically... and made me feel all guilty. I felt a bit upset when I thought of the times I'd enjoyed with the person as a friend, but then just felt relieved that I wouldn't get any more annoying phonecalls! Eek... he must think I'm really weird now!

Anyway, that's enough of me rambling on... best get back to the work now.

See you,

Hiya,

Life's pretty good at the moment, thanks . We've got broadband at home now - now all I need to do is find the time to be on here . Dave is decorating our landing, hallway and stairs at the moment, and he's determined that it's his job, so I thought I'd come online.

My appraisal went OK-ish. Our area's going to be re-organised in September, and I'll be taken off what I'm doing at the moment and given a whole new role. The trouble is, although I think the new role, as it'll be more practical, will suit me more, I just can't get excited about it. As a result I never really got to say that I'd like to move . My boss didn't seem to worry about me being caught on here - but by the sounds of it the guy who reported me also reported lots of other people all over our office for similar things, and my boss doesn't get on with him anyway, so he just told me to watch my back and didn't actually lecture me about it!

To be honest, though, I am underperforming at work at the moment. My main problem is how can I square respecting the authority above me with being Christian, when often that authority is asking me and others to do things that are outside of God's laws at best, and immoral at worst . I've been asking God what He wants me to do, and I get the feeling he's more worried about the people there than my actual job performance. Yet I feel like I'm letting God down by not being the best I can be in terms of my job, yet how can I do that without also helping to further an organisation that's doing things God disagrees with? Sorry for the rant, this has been on my mind a lot this week. Sometimes I want to quit and become a housewife as it seems so much easier!!

I hope your job hunt is going OK. I had at least 4 rejections before I got my job, and with a lot I thought afterwards "Actually, I wouldn't like them!" Silly, isn't it? Some of the companies I applied for jobs with have since had lots of redundancies and closures, so I think of those rejections as lucky escapes! I remember all the stress of trying to find jobs, and hoping that every time I sent off an application, something would come of it! I've heard some places are doing phone interviews, but I haven't actually had one - they'd freak me out a bit, I think. Hopefully you and Chris can find work close together . It sounds like you two are getting along a lot better these days - I hope you are, anyway.

You and your sort-of friend describes how I felt about my ex-friend! The trouble is that some people seem to have a way of demanding all you've got to give and being stroppy if you don't give it . I've been a lot more relaxed and happy since we stopped talking, which sounds like a horrible thing to say, but its true! Hopefully your sort-of friend will either understand, or take the huff and then leave you alone.

I'm quite excited - me and Dave have booked a trip to Canada close to our 1st wedding anniversary as our big holiday of a lifetime . Both of us really want to go there, and we kind of felt like now was the time to take the opportunity to go. We're going to explore the Rockies, and I can't wait already!

Good luck with all your work, hope it all goes well . Remember to have regular breaks and relax (I sound like my mum!)

Chat soon,

Lins

Hiya!

Eeek, haven't been hootooing in ages. How's life? My work got really hectic, and then I went away with church for a few days. It was the first time I'd been on the end of term getaway and it was brilliant to be around so many Christian friends. I had an amazing time, learnt loads about God and met several lovely new people.

How is work going? I'd imagine its really difficult to stand firm when your work seems to contrast with your faith. Remember what St Paul said about submitting to earthly powersand that the best way to be a good witness is to get your work done really well. I think non-Christians are often really amazed that even though we Christians place our main priority outside our careers, we often end up flourishing more than those who live to work. It just shows how God provides for those who trust in Him, and how His way is the best way to live.

I still have no job, but I did have an interview which is a good start! I was glad that rather than just telling me to get lost they said that if anyone drops out of their graduate scheme they'll be straight in touch. Chris has also been unsuccessful but has two interviews coming up. We haven't lost hope, after all we did take 9 driving tests between us for both of us to pass, even though we both love cars!

Chris and I do seem to be getting on pretty well at the moment, although the only difficult thing about the church getaway was knowing how much time to spend together and how much to spend making new friends. He's gone home to his family and I've just returned to Oxford, so I'm missing him loads. Both of us have 21st birthdays coming up (we were born with in a day of each other... how cool is that!) but it's difficult to know how to spend them because of work and money.

The ex-friend has been completely non-existent since I last spoke to him, which is both reassuring and slightly disturbing. It would seem a little odd for him to avoid hanging around college just to avoid me, but I don't think I realised at the time how miffed he got with me! I did feel a bit guilty, because he took a year out in his second year and is probably finding it hard to socialise, even though I've always thought of him as a really self-sufficient type.

Canada sounds great - I know someone from there and it seems a really beautiful country. No doubt you and Dave will find it really refreshing to get away from work for a bit.

Anyway, time for bed, speak soon!

Hiya

How's it going? Hope uni, job-hunting and life is all going well!

Life here is hectic as ever. Another round of voluntary redundancies came out a couple of weeks ago, and I felt God wanted me to apply - but management are delaying signing it off to go to HR, even though they've all said they have no problem with me leaving . I still feel a peace about it all, though, so we'll see what happens. If I leave, it allows me to relax and take some time out before me and Dave start a family - as I don't particularly want to be coming to work while I'm pregnant! We're planning to start trying for a family soon and we'll see if/when God blesses us with kids. I'm very much in the slightly-broody-but-still-scared-stiff-of-children stage so we'll see what happens.

I'm trying to remember what Paul said, but it's hard to apply it . I'm trying to be as good as I can be, if nothing else, and I'm trying to treat those around me as He would want me to.

We've had a busy month or so - helping friends move house, then we visted Dave's parents, visited my parents, and then we had a wedding to go to. It was the wedding for Dave's best man's sister . It was a really good day, apart from the weather - it absolutely hurled it down all day, but it didn't bother the bride and groom one bit . We spent this weekend relaxing, which was really nice after having such a busy spell.

Your church get-away sounds . One thing I missed with all these weekends away was going to church! We're planning to have an away day somewhere soon, I think - we had a day in the Malverns last summer, and went for a long walk in the sunshine and then had a sermon (well, it wasn't as formal as that, but how else can you describe it?) and some prayers at the top of a hill, where we then had a picnic. It's so nice to get away with God, isn't it?

God is teaching me lots at the moment! One of the young guys at church is lodging with us at the moment until the house that he's buying comes through, and that's really caused me lots of stress because I've been so possessive about the house, my space and our stuff . He's using all this to flush an awful lot of stuff out of me, which is good long term but not fun in the short term. Spiritually I'm feeling lighter, but boy am I exhausted!

That friend of mine has actually got back in touch - a lot nicer, calmer and less demanding than he was before. He had a really bad car accident which he escaped from with only bruises, which seems to have shaken some sense into him as he's got himself a proper girlfriend that he's being faithful to, he's holding down a job, etc. We've emailed a bit, but not spoken, and things are slowly being repaired.

I'm glad you and Chris are getting on OK at the moment . I hope you can make your birthdays an event to remember - even if you don't go out anywhere special or anything. You shouldn't need to spend lots of money to make it special - even if you just have a picnic somewhere nice that marks the occasion . I'm sure you can work something out.

Good luck with all your studies and job hunting . Do you have long left?

Chat soon and take care ,

Lins

Hiya!

How's life?

This is the first time I've been on hootoo since March - I've missed it! Sorry I haven't been in touch for ages! I'm up at Oxford Brookes now studying for my law conversion, and Chris has a job in Leeds. Everything's going quite well, but I can't wait until next summer because everything's booked for the wedding !

How is your work going, and how's Dave? Chris isn't enjoying his job much, and we're both going to move to London to (hopefully) work when I've finished this year's course. I've decided I'd rather be a barrister than a solicitor, which means that all I need to worry about at the moment is funding a hugely expensive course next year... hopefully a job will follow eventually!

My church getaway was awesome... it was a few months ago now, and it was really great to have a bit of quiet time during my hectic exam revision... between March and June I seemed to hardly leave the library. We had lots of informal sermon-type-thingies on various topics, and went for lots of countryside walks. It was a bit of a crash down to earth coming home though, because my mum was really sarcastic about it!

I'm really happy that my parents are finally getting on with Chris and are now actually quite excited about the wedding... it was very difficult when they were so against it, and now I feel as though they genuinely like him.

Have you thought any more about starting a family? I hope to have loads of cheeky little toddlers running around one day, but I think it's only fair to establish my career first so that I can take lots of time off and bring them up properly. Judging by the parents or my future kids, they're sure to be a bit naughty and generally a bit of a handful!

Sorry again that I haven't been in touch in ages! Please write back soon - it'll be good to hear your latest news!

It's time I was in bed...

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It's great to hear from you - I was wondering if you were all OK .

Congratulations on the wedding and on your parents finally getting on with Chris . It's all exciting! Good luck with your law conversion - and good luck on becoming a barrister . How are you guys coping with the distance between you?

So much has happened in the last few months.... where to start? Me and Dave had a fantastic time in Canada - it's an amazing, beautiful country, and we had a really special time. We just didn't want to come back to England . We took loads and loads of pictures of the Rockies, ate lots of good food (oh, the food out there is amazing, it really is!) and did lots of walking around and enjoying ourselves.

The other big bit of news is that God really *did* want me to apply for redundancy... as I officially left work on the 30th June! I was quite amazed - as were all my colleagues - but they actually let me leave. I've been a housewife for almost 5 months, and I'm loving it . The weird thing is I seem to have *less* time to hootoo now than I did when I was working . I'm doing things like learning to knit, doing sewing, as well as cooking and cleaning and all that. It hasn't been all plain sailing, though - we've struggled to get used to our new budget, and Dave has struggled with being envious of me being able to stay home while he goes to work. Overall though we wouldn't go back to the way things were .

We are wanting to start a family, but my last smear test came back as abnormal, so I had to have a repeat. And that came back as inadequate (i.e. they didn't have enough to test). And then the next repeat came back as inadequate as well! So I've had my third repeat smear, and if that comes back OK then we'll be starting to try for a family . I really hope it does, I've had enough smear tests to last me a very long time!

I'm the last of my group of friends from school to have children, but I can say quite happily that I wouldn't have been in the right place emotionally, financially or career wise to have them before. Only you and Chris will know when the time is right - and you need to have "couple time" to get used to each other and have fun before plunging into having kids .

To be honest, considering what me and Dave are like, our kids are going to be handfuls whichever one of us they take after more .



I'm volunteering for Prison Fellowship at the moment - I felt really called to help out with a course called Sycamore Tree, which is about victim awareness and restorative justice for offenders. I'm helping out with running a course in a local Young Offender's Institution, and I'm really enjoying it. It's only one afternoon a week for five to six weeks, and it's quite sobering to realise these lads are barely in their 20s. It's interesting to see how they react and change over the weeks.

I also finally felt up to going for a healing week at the Christian centre I'd told you about last month... and it was so wonderful! I'd gone there thinking I knew what God wanted to deal with - and He did deal with some of that - but He took it down a totally different (and quite unexpected) path which really brought a lot of stuff out of me that had been bottled up for ages. It wasn't an easy week, but it was really, really good and by the end of it I felt (and still feel!) so much better. It got a lot of anger and sadness out of my system and I've been a much calmer, more stable person since.

I can see me going back for another healing week in the near future, but it feels good to have started really clearing stuff out. I feel like I'm finally turning into the me God made me to be - if that makes any sense!

At the moment we're trying to plan for Christmas - we've invited my parents down to stay for Christmas, so I need to sort out food as well as presents and things . It's quite scary, having never really done the "plan Christmas for a family" thing before!

You take care, and I'd love to hear how you're getting on when you have the time .

God bless

Lins

Hiya!

Thanks for your message, sorry I've taken so long to reply (yet again!)!

I've spent the last month or so recovering from a huge shock. I had a text from Chris saying that he was coming up to Oxford on a flying visit, and thought it was a bit odd. The next day he turned up at my flat at about 8 in the morning and told me he didn't want to marry me any more. I felt extremely low for ages, but now I'm beginning to get over it and see things rationally. I think it will be a very long time before I feel anywhere near back to normal.

He was really hating his job, and sunk into another one of his depressive moods. For some reason I thought it would just pass and everything would be OK, but I don't think I realised how bad it was. Now we've talked things over I have a much better picture of how mixed up it actually is, and it's very bad indeed.... His spiritual life just doesn't seem to be happening, he's lost loads of weight (and he was quite skinny in the first place!) and he doesn't seem to be eating or sleeping well or exercising. He still refuses to go to a doctor, or even talk to a pastor about it. I don't think anyone can really help him apart from himself, he needs to take the initiative. He's a complete mess. In a way I think he probably did the right thing by calling the wedding off, I just wished he'd actually properly discussed it with me rather than dumping me out of the blue. However, I'm so stubborn that if he'd been more subtle about it I'd certainly have tried to stick by him and try to sort his problems out, and last time I tried that it wasn't exactly a success. I guess he thought I'd suffered enough with trying to sort his moods out.

I'm just trying to be brave, although it can be very difficult at times . I've decided to take a year out next year to enjoy my freedom before entering the realm of the emploryed... I think I need to live a little! I have absolutely loads of plans for my year, and just hope I can stick to them... I hope to do some of the things I always want to do but never have time to. I'd like to do loads of art and creative writing, because when I'm studying I always tend to get too tired to use my brain in my spare time. I'm also going to do some charity work, hopefully abroad, and get some more legal work experience. The law is so vast and baffling that it's really difficult to decide what area of it to go into.

I think I need to go on something similar to your healing week, it sounds amazing. I seem to have a lot of sadness and anger, and a lot of mood swings at the moment. One moment I'll be feeling very free and optimistic and the next I'll be crying. I'm glad the healing week was so helpful... God can really work wonders at making us new people. The prison fellowship sounds awesome. Although it sounds like a cliche, I think that a lot of young criminals are misunderstood. From what I've seen of them in courts, they are usually far less offensive than some of the divorce clients. One divorce client I met wanted his ex wife to be asked certain embarrassing questions under oath simply so that she'd lie and be liable to be jailed for perjury!

It sounds as though you're really enjoying being a housewife. I quite often wish I had a few more domestic skills, because I've always been such a tomboy. It's good for being on my own, because at least I'll never have to ask a man to fix my bicycle or do my DIY! I'm learning to cook though, and I love knitting and sewing. It's so exciting that you might start trying for a baby, any news yet on that front?

It would be lovely to hear from you when you have a spare moment,

God bless you