h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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A flamenco dancer.

Kristina, if my partner doesn't return soon,
I'll be needing a new one. Wanna be part of
my act? ;=)

Being a musician I particularly like musician jokes, there are a whole load at the guide if you know how to find them.

Just type "jokes" into the "Search" box and.... click the "search" button. Hope you have as many s as I have....



Bassman

Sorry, I'm not into comedy..

Hi Bassman!

That's a great shame....

What floats your boat, if comedy doesn't?



Bassman

Not into comedy?

That's sad.

Bassman, welcome to my world.
This place is full of jokes. Never saw such a place
(I can't anyway, because my saw is missing ).

I can do a solo act. (Sometimes it's so low, you
can't hear the material because the audience members
are on their cell phones calling for taxis to take
them away from there )

All I need is someone to open for me. You know,
like Lorna Luft, who likes to open for Don Rickles.
That sort of thing.

I understand that there's a very pretty dragon named
Nancy who sings divinely and dances quite well, too.
I haven't contacted her yet, though....

When I said I'm not into comedy, I meant performing as a stand-up comedian or some such - I don't mind watching!

You might enjoy watching, but my
jokes are a great boon for the
earplug industry.

I actually like memorizing really lame jokes - the kind that are so bad that people

Let's see - there's some kind of test that is supposed to say something but I've forgotten what - but I've always thought it makes a great joke!

How do you get an elephant into a fridge?

Take out the butterdish?

Nope!

Open the door, put in the elephant, close the door!

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

The same way.



Ooh, I gotta go. I'm taking my pet duck to the vet.
He's a very expensive vet. He's a duck doc, but some
people think he's a quack.

You open the door, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door!

(Did you really think you could fit an elephant *as well* as a giraffe into the fridge?)

3) All the animals of the jungle were attending a conference, except for one - which?

The Giraffe - he's in the fridge?



Bassman

Correct!

..and the last question in this test was:

4) You want to cross a river, but you know that a man-eating crocodile lives in the river - how do you get across the river?

Well, that depends.

If you're a woman, you can get across
unscathed. It's a man-eating crocodile,
not a woman-eating. If you're a man,
you can disguise yourself as a woman
and get across unscathed.

Swim across, because the Crocodiles are at the meeting??



Bassman

Correct Bassman!

Now, adults had great difficulties in getting all 4 answers right, but children seemed to have no problem with it.. *wondering what that says about Bassman's mental age* ..or maybe you had heard it before?

At the meeting? You mean where all the
animals except the fridge-living giraffe
were getting together to decide how to
get the giraffe out so they could cool
down on a hot day?

I didn't suspect that *all* the jokes
were interconnected.

Anyway, I am starting a collection of really
lame jokes.

You asked for it....

These are old ones but good ones.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted

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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an

electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,

I'm positive..."

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Answer phone message

"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well,"

says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and

examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm

going

to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because

he's really heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5

people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum

or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he

couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the

steaks are too high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong

currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He

shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,

"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit

a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you

can't have your kayak and heat it too.

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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?"

asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man

"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a

glove."

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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

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Bassman