Journal Entries
help!
Posted Jun 19, 2002
I can't sleep, and when I sleep I have nightmares, and when I don't sleep my mind runs around in circles with horrible horrible thoughts...
I was so incredibly sad and sick that I called my boyfriend at 12:30am just to hear another human being, instead of having to listen to everything that was going on in my head. I'm so incredibly stupid and pathetic...
I spend my days basically counting the hours and minutes left until I go to sleep, and then if I sleep I do it all again when I wake up; if I don't sleep, I simply count the hours and minutes until I wake up. Why? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I feel like nothing, like no one -- a worthless, useless creature that's good for absolutely nothing and makes herself a burden on those around her. You'd feel that way too if your life was filled with counting the hours down to pointless goals (pointless = counting the hours down until you start counting the hours down again ... til you start counting the hours down til... well you get the idea).
I have one good thing in my life, which is a boyfriend who loves me. I see him approximately 16 hours a week... I see my good friend jess anywhere from 3 to 12 hours a week... so what do I do with the other 140 to 149 hours a week?
A whole lot of counting. At least I can add and subtract with the best of them.
And its no one's fault!! I was trying to explain it through tears last night to Matt at 12am and he thought my fantasy solution was basically for him to quit his job and spend all his time with me. Nothing I ever try to say ever comes out right, no matter how hard I try. That isn't what I meant, and I hope he knows that 
I don't need him here 24/7 to know that he loves me and is there for me; I already know that and its with me all the time.
But it doesn't mean I don't sit in bed at night and feel terribly afraid and alone sometimes. Thoughts and feelings aren't always enough to pull you through the rough times of depression. Sometimes it takes a human voice, or a simple reassurance, a presence, or just a look.
It used to be my relationship that kept me up at all hours. I was worried about everything, because I didn't trust enough in my boyfriend's love for me. But that's not the case... its so many other things now. I don't hardly worry about us at all anymore, I know he'll be there tomorrow, and that he's there for me any time I need him (including 12:30am even though it was a bad idea)... but its left the door open for my mind to move on to other things to worry about. Bigger things, things I can barely comprehend...
I don't know why I feel so bad, I feel like I've done something horribly horribly wrong. What have I done wrong? Will someone please tell me what I've done wrong that I deserve to be punished for it, because I'm trying so very very very hard to adapt to situations as they get thrown at me but I don't seem to be doing a very good job
I have to get out of here for awhile... I don't know where I'll end up...
- ametropia
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 19, 2002
help!
Posted Jun 19, 2002
I can't sleep, and when I sleep I have nightmares, and when I don't sleep my mind runs around in circles with horrible horrible thoughts...
I was so incredibly sad and sick that I called my boyfriend at 12:30am just to hear another human being, instead of having to listen to everything that was going on in my head. I'm so incredibly stupid and pathetic...
I spend my days basically counting the hours and minutes left until I go to sleep, and then if I sleep I do it all again when I wake up; if I don't sleep, I simply count the hours and minutes until I wake up. Why? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I feel like nothing, like no one -- a worthless, useless creature that's good for absolutely nothing and makes herself a burden on those around her. You'd feel that way too if your life was filled with counting the hours down to pointless goals (pointless = counting the hours down until you start counting the hours down again ... til you start counting the hours down til... well you get the idea).
I have one good thing in my life, which is a boyfriend who loves me. I see him approximately 16 hours a week... I see my good friend jess anywhere from 3 to 12 hours a week... so what do I do with the other 140 to 149 hours a week?
A whole lot of counting. At least I can add and subtract with the best of them.
And its no one's fault!! I was trying to explain it through tears last night to Matt at 12am and he thought my fantasy solution was basically for him to quit his job and spend all his time with me. Nothing I ever try to say ever comes out right, no matter how hard I try. That isn't what I meant, and I hope he knows that I don't need him here 24/7 to know that he loves me and is there for me; I already know that and its with me all the time.
But it doesn't mean I don't sit in bed at night and feel terribly afraid and alone sometimes. Thoughts and feelings aren't always enough to pull you through the rough times of depression. Sometimes it takes a human voice, or a simple reassurance, a presence, or just a look.
It used to be my relationship that kept me up at all hours. I was worried about everything, because I didn't trust enough in my boyfriend's love for me. But that's not the case... its so many other things now. I don't hardly worry about us at all anymore, I know he'll be there tomorrow, and that he's there for me any time I need him (including 12:30am even though it was a bad idea)... but its left the door open for my mind to move on to other things to worry about. Bigger things, things I can barely comprehend...
I don't know why I feel so bad, I feel like I've done something horribly horribly wrong. What have I done wrong? Will someone please tell me what I've done wrong that I deserve to be punished for it, because I'm trying so very very very hard to adapt to situations as they get thrown at me but I don't seem to be doing a very good job
I have to get out of here for awhile... I don't know where I'll end up...
- ametropia
Discuss this Journal entry [13]
Latest reply: Jun 19, 2002
Looking up
Posted Jun 18, 2002
Things are looking up actually, and it's so rare that that actually happens 
Things are good... for now anyway. Things never seem to stay good for very long.
I'm good, my family is (semi)good, my boyfriend is good (until saturday *ahem* 
), my dad might be taking over the business downtown, my important day (Thursday) is fast approaching and once its over with then its a milestone I never have to look back on again... things are good. I just spent half an hour playing on swings with my boyfriend over in Glace Bay, I happen to be afraid of swings but it was actually a lot of fun and not something I get to do very often. It was an unmaintained (as of now anyway) park with a run-down outdoor theatre/stage and a few swings, sort of secluded and very quiet and nice.
and... I saw another baby duck possibly the same one I saw yesterday, lol
Ok, that's all
- ametropia
Discuss this Journal entry [8]
Latest reply: Jun 18, 2002
The Honeymooners...
Posted Jun 18, 2002
As I was strolling through the internet this morning, I came across this article on the Honeymoon Period of a relationship. I came up with the idea of maybe write a guide entry on it at a later date. The author's name is Janice Crowley and I've lost the website but I'm trying to find it again, it was burried deep in a message board somewhere, argh.
-----
The Honeymoon Period is something that occurs in nearly every relationship to some degree, but not necessarily on the part of both parties involved in a relationship.
Many relationships start off with an incredibly overwhelming sense of "This is an incredible person and I want to spend as much time as possible with him/her!" -- It's true, it happens, and it can be a wonderful feeling and an incredible experience. Welcome to: The Honeymoon Period. And just like any honeymoon, all good things must eventually come to an end, sometimes in more ways than one.
It is debated how long the average honeymoon period lasts in a relationship, but it usually rounds out to around two months for many people struggling to attain a long-term relationship with the person they like/love. It isn't something that is right or wrong--it simply exists. But when the honeymoon is over, there can be long-lasting side effects that may hurt one or both people in the relationship, or even end the relationship completely.
Changes occur that cannot be helped, and this period of time in a relationship is often ended by only one person (rarely a mutual agreement). Suddenly, one person doesn't want to spend all that time with his/her significant other any longer. The way a couple interacts may change drastically and, as a result, causes a serious side effect of feelings of fear, worry, neglect, anger, derpession, etc. in the person who is on the receiving end of this new information. A person may feel that her significant other does not care about her the way he used to, and that he is trying to push her away in order to look for someone better. She may feel neglected that her partner would choose sitting around doing nothing over seeing her, and she may feel angry or scared in relation to this. She may feel depressed about herself, that perhaps she is no longer attractive to her partner, or she may feel that she can no longer make her partner happy. She may feel frightened that every moment would be her last with her partner simply because it seems that he does not want her any longer.
In reality, none of this may be true at all, but it is important for someone instigating the end of a Honeymoon Period to be very sensitive about a person's feelings as a result of bringing in more space between both parties; otherwise, it may be the other person who will eventually end the relationship. It is still the responsibility of both parties to convey how they feel, and the responsibility of both parties to take the feelings of the other and maturely take them into consideration at all times. In general, a relationship that survives the end of the honeymoon period is most likely a very strong bond.
-------
I can think of a lot of things I'd like to add to this article, and I was very very surprised at how many of these things are very very true. I've gone through the end of more than one 'honeymoon period', some that ended relationships and some that did not. I have a lot of experience on this particular issue--experience I wish I didn't have. I'm a person who never wants space, I simply have no use for it.
- ametropia
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 18, 2002
*sigh*
Posted Jun 18, 2002
So I spent over 9 hours in the hospital today. Sometime around 3am I started to go into the early stages of respiratory failure, it turns out due to a conflict of medications I was given. I'm fine, and it was all under control very quickly (I do live all of 2 minutes from the regional hospital afterall) and the majority of that 9 hours spent was simply for observation purposes... but I was upset. Seriously upset. Because I had such idiots for doctors that they gave me two medications that, if taken together, could be fatal.
And all my parents could talk about the entire time was the possibility of a law suit. Sometimes I feel like they don't care if I live or die. They looked at my disadvantage as a way to bring in possible money instead of a time when their daughter needed support.
I stopped myself several times from calling my boyfriend during the wee hours of the morning... I wanted to, but I know it wouldn't have been good. As much as I needed him then, he needs sleep more. I know that might sound awful for me to say, but its really not. Afterall, I was fine... whats the point of waking someone up at 5am to say "I'm in the hospital... but I'm fine... go back to sleep now." I hate being a burden, even though I dragged him from his house this evening so I could get away from here before the war began...
And speaking of the war, my dad will be losing his job very soon. Our only income. The house was a war zone this evening (hence the name), and luckily I was out while most of the war went down. They fight a lot, my folks. And if I'm around, I'll be right in the middle of it, and chances are I won't come out of it without a few bruises.
But, they took me off *all* my meds now, including tranqs. So sleep? Out of the question right now...
I did see a baby duck though.
- ametropia
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jun 18, 2002
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