h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I can't sleep, and when I sleep I have nightmares, and when I don't sleep my mind runs around in circles with horrible horrible thoughts...

I was so incredibly sad and sick that I called my boyfriend at 12:30am just to hear another human being, instead of having to listen to everything that was going on in my head. I'm so incredibly stupid and pathetic...

I spend my days basically counting the hours and minutes left until I go to sleep, and then if I sleep I do it all again when I wake up; if I don't sleep, I simply count the hours and minutes until I wake up. Why? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I feel like nothing, like no one -- a worthless, useless creature that's good for absolutely nothing and makes herself a burden on those around her. You'd feel that way too if your life was filled with counting the hours down to pointless goals (pointless = counting the hours down until you start counting the hours down again ... til you start counting the hours down til... well you get the idea).

I have one good thing in my life, which is a boyfriend who loves me. I see him approximately 16 hours a week... I see my good friend jess anywhere from 3 to 12 hours a week... so what do I do with the other 140 to 149 hours a week?

A whole lot of counting. At least I can add and subtract with the best of them.

And its no one's fault!! I was trying to explain it through tears last night to Matt at 12am and he thought my fantasy solution was basically for him to quit his job and spend all his time with me. Nothing I ever try to say ever comes out right, no matter how hard I try. That isn't what I meant, and I hope he knows that I don't need him here 24/7 to know that he loves me and is there for me; I already know that and its with me all the time.

But it doesn't mean I don't sit in bed at night and feel terribly afraid and alone sometimes. Thoughts and feelings aren't always enough to pull you through the rough times of depression. Sometimes it takes a human voice, or a simple reassurance, a presence, or just a look.

It used to be my relationship that kept me up at all hours. I was worried about everything, because I didn't trust enough in my boyfriend's love for me. But that's not the case... its so many other things now. I don't hardly worry about us at all anymore, I know he'll be there tomorrow, and that he's there for me any time I need him (including 12:30am even though it was a bad idea)... but its left the door open for my mind to move on to other things to worry about. Bigger things, things I can barely comprehend...

I don't know why I feel so bad, I feel like I've done something horribly horribly wrong. What have I done wrong? Will someone please tell me what I've done wrong that I deserve to be punished for it, because I'm trying so very very very hard to adapt to situations as they get thrown at me but I don't seem to be doing a very good job

I have to get out of here for awhile... I don't know where I'll end up...

- ametropia