h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

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I read this article in Slate this morning. I found it very interesting. I didn’t read many of the comments- I have a firm policy regarding not reading comments relating to online articles, for the sake of maintaining my blood pressure- but it seems a lot of readers misinterpreted the article as one of existential angst.

Maybe it’s just because the author’s experience resonates vaguely with me, but it doesn’t seem that difficult to understand that feeling (or realizing) that one or more of your parents should never have been a parent, or at least not at the time you were born, does not mean that you are suicidal, mentally unstable, or unhappy overall.

My mother should never have been a mother, at least not to me. While she showered my younger sister with attention, affection and love, she was physically and emotionally abusive toward me. I won’t go into all the details- I find it boring, and other people tend to find them unbelievable anyway. Suffice it to say that I have very few pleasant memories from childhood, so it’s not much of a stretch for me to appreciate that a lot of childhoods are just not worth having. Not to mention that some effects last well into adulthood, even for a lifetime (for example, my mother’s refusal to contribute toward college expenses while also refusing to sign an affidavit that would make me eligible for government grants- on the basis that a “decent woman” has no need of an education as it is her “duty” to find a man to support her- has meant a lifetime of student debt and crappy jobs).

I think there’s a big difference between a person realizing things would have been better if s/he hadn’t been born (I wouldn’t know the difference, after all) and wishing s/he were dead.

Is it responsible, or selfish, for someone to acknowledge that they'd be a terrible or miserable parent, and choose not to make at least two lives miserable? I don't have kids, mainly because while I do like specific individuals in small doses, I don't really like them very much and the thought of having one around all the time leaves me cold. I've opted to remain childless and enjoy life as I already know it rather than be a resentful or neglectful parent.

I've had friends tell me that I'd feel differently if I had one. That no parent dislikes their own child or truly regrets having them. But I know that's not true, because I have other friends who do indicate that they regret having their children, or regret having them under the circumstances they were in at the time and would do things differently if they had a second chance. I also know that my own mother never loved me and did in fact dislike and resent me.

I don't understand the logic behind the idea that every woman should be a mother, and every fertilized egg should become a human child, even if it means that child is born into and raised under horrible conditions. And yes, I appreciate that many people overcome overwhelmingly bleak childhoods to become Nobel Prize winners, brilliant artists, and such, and that plenty of people raised in "happy" homes grow up to be serial killers or hedge fund managers (or both). I think my point isn't so much to dispute the fact that unhappy children often go on to have reasonably happy and successful lives, as to wonder that there are people who think it's worth the risk enough that children should be forced to be born, even to parents unwilling to or incapable of loving or caring for them, or put into foster care or with adoptive parents (where, statistically, children tend not to fare much better) when they'd be better off never having been born and having no way of knowing what they're missing out on.

Maybe I *am* in a slightly existential mood today?

Any thoughts from anyone?

I definitely agree some shouldn't be parents, me being one of them.

I never meant to have children, the first was a 'moment of madness' and the second was a failure of the pill. I didn't like being a mother, and never really like either child.

But 'society' says, when a woman leaves her husband, she should take the children, it took me 2 long years and a mental breakdown, to realise I am NOT maternal, and so, for the good of my kids, I gave them to their father to raise, and I have never been happier with that decision.

Some of my family have never understood how I could 'give up my kids', and we have sadly become estranged.

It has been nearly 20 years now, and the children are grown, I have meet with them, and they accept why I left their lives, they are both happy and healthy and have loverly lifes

I still don't regret giving them up, it was one of the best choices I ever made. I know I would have been an abusive parent,not physically, but emotionally and perhaps, my 2 would have this opinion now.

I am sincerely grateful that I was able to give them to my ex, and that he was a better parent than me. Unfortunately, this is not always an option.

sorry if this sounds rambly, but this is still a difficult topic for me to discuss, as some, when I have told them about this. have disagreed with my choice, and try to argue with me that 'all women are maternal, it is instinctive', when plainly some are not.

(hug) Heleloo. If you aren't mother material, you shouldn't force yourself to be. If it makes you unhappy, it makes the children unhappy.

I read the article, and couldn't make my mind up what to write. But I totally believe that someone who thinks that bringing kids into their life would be bad, should be allowed an abortion.

Some have the heart but not the economical means to care for children, some have the reverse situation. Forcing children into those situations is cruel. If it's of free will, then excellent, but force from outside? Not a good idea.

It is complicated, no doubt about that.

Thanks for sharing Heleloo. That was surely the choice that was best for everyone. But it must be very hard sometimes to deal with the fallout from other people's disapproval.

Here in the US, not only are women facing local governments trying to deny them the possibility of terminating an unintended pregnancy that is not wanted, but to deny them access to contraception to prevent it in the first place. Women, apparently, are not all maternal at heart, but worthless without children. Those of us who shouldn't have them, should just sit around in our chastity belts. But I digress.

Heleloo, I wish my parents would have done what you and your ex did. My life would have been so much better growing up with just my dad. He never thought of divorcing my mom, though, because he felt responsible for her- "act in haste, repent at leisure", my paternal grandmother used to remind him. My grandmother said she suggested it once, but on second thought she and my dad feared the courts would give my mom custody, which without my gram and dad to run interference probably would have resulted in my death.

I'm not mother material, either. I'm perfectly capable of compassion and empathy, of loving others very deeply, and of self-sacrifice. But I just don't have a maternal bone in my body. Those attributes are not mutually inclusive!!

I find the concept interesting, but hard to parse. I actually find it very different to imagine my own non-existence. Too much ego.

Must read more.

TRiG.

On the other hand, there's always been a little voice in my head that says it takes a fair bit of ego to imagine your own non-existence.

Like when I've heard friends or acquaintances or what have you say "nobody likes me, everybody hates me" kind of stuff. My reaction is a pretty strong "don't flatter yourself, buddy, most people couldn't give a flying one way or the other".

I think it is at least as equally self-less to decide not to have children.
It is rarely a purely selfish choice to not have them in the cases I have seen.

I have heard of plenty of selfish reason why people do want kids too.(another topic)

I know many women, including two of my mothers , whom did not want children and would have most assuredly
been better off without. My adoptive Mom was shamed into it. My biological mother gave up 12 children in all. She was
even sterilized at one point. It was reversed after she gave up 5 children , she then had 7 more. She did not raise any
of her children past the age of 5. The first 5 were never released to be adopted but remained in a childrens home.
I believe ths was selfish and cruel for her to not relinquish her kids , in her particular case.

I was given up at 5 and adopted by a woman whom thought she was "home free so to speak". In a childless marriage,
she was told medically she would not concieve. 5 years later , her husbands family had an erupption and 10 children were
up for adoption. There was immense pressure on my mom to become a mother from her 5 sisters and 2 brothers, her husband.
Certain members of his family were entitely for and certain ones entirely against and speaking of "bad blood". Society completely saw at her as terribly selfish already. There were ligitimate reasons why she was considered selfish. She was in fact narssacisitic)wrong sp)There was no way and no body she could talk to about NOT wanting to be a mother. Not until after her children came along, she told them from the begining she did noot want kids. Like PCs Mom she was extremely emotionally abusive and physically abusive. Her paranoia was never, ever helpful! I have heard of children making people less selfish. I totally understand why.
It does NOT cure all forms of selfishnes, and certainly does nothing for mental illness. With the possible exceptions of some depressions related to infertility.

I have known people whom give their lives to serving others in work or at play or in everything they do. They chose to remain childless
and are among the most giving and loving people. We do not have kids but have been a welcome break for parents/kids and teens whom have needed some distance.

I dreamed of nothing but 5 boys since the day I was being dragged away from my 5 brothers and 4 sisters.
Always wanted to be a Mom. Assume I would be. Could not picture it any other way!
I do not. At this late time in life I have come to be a bit thankful we did not have kids. My husband ,whom almost did not get past the childless queries and when you gonna get pregnant quizes? Why did you get married if not? An endless line of questioning that I consider terribly rude to this day. It is deeply personal decision, and often difficult but so is marriage, People have more than one reason usually that goes into the actual decision. What the reason are need not be common as a daily greeting but I digress...(another topic really)
for us it was not the thing for us to do. We married thinking it was, so it was a difficult process.

We did better with it than others did!
It was the end of the line for both of our Sir names also , which brought some additional pressure.

It was was of the most important decisions of my life and I am sure it was right. Considering how little thought is brought to bear from most - it may be more unusual and less selfish to actually wrestle with a decision. I am glad 30 years later , we rarely get asked. I never mind children asking because they are curious and I think parly because they Know we do enjoy them being around. So it is natural curiosity.

Support for not having kids is usually needed or appreciated . It is not often offered in a warm or understanding way.
It is good to know your own mind and needs.
It is a reasonable option to choose a life with somebody whether you plan to have children or not.
It is also reasonable to choose not to spend life with a particular person.
People get to choose responsibly for themselves and to expect be respected for it.