Journal Entries
Wednesday 20 March
Posted Mar 20, 2002
Ok, I know this is only a few hours on from my last journal entry, but I'm feeling a little different.
My hands can't stop shaking, I'm all on edge and I can't understand why I'm feeling like this. I've not overdone the coffee or sugar - I think it has something to do with the way other people have treated me recently.
Yesterday was the first day for a long time that I've actually felt slightly pretty, I know that sounds a bit strange, but some days I feel short, some days I feel fat but most days I feel really quite ugly. I'm now having another 'ugly' day.
Not that anyone has told me - as such, but the way I get looked at by certain people makes me feel really quite plain and unattractive. Somedays though, the same people look at me in a 'different' way - sometimes loving, sometimes in a kind and fond way.
I know that shouldn't change the way I'm feeling in myself, but it does all the same.
If there was one thing I could wish for it at the moment it would be an equilibrium of everyones feelings.
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Latest reply: Mar 20, 2002
Oops I forgot Tuesday
Posted Mar 20, 2002
I was walking around in a bit of a light-headed happy daze yesterday, thoughts were running through my head at 100mph - Now only if I could feel like that every day!
Who would have thought that talking about quantom singlelaritys and black holes would have got to me like that..... 
My world is looking up - friendships are actually working like they should, I'm feeling on top of the world and I actually feel happy. I only wish that I didn't have to go through all the poo to get to this stage.
There are still some nasty minded and underhand people out there, but I know there is good in nearly everyone - it just needs to be teased out.
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Latest reply: Mar 20, 2002
It's raining, It's pouring.....
Posted Mar 18, 2002
I really recharged my batteries yesterday. We went and visited the Stanton Drew stone circles and then sat on Glastonbury Tor for a few hours - the view was/is absolutely beautiful. The feeling of nature doing its 'stuff' and with the wind blowing a gale it really was invigourating.
I have been given a new outlook on life - at the moment anyway, not looking on the downside of anything but only time can tell. Reading my daily journals are quite interesting, I can now see how I was in myself when I was down or angry, I can think about what was happening on that day and try to understand it all. Quite therapeutic really.
I actually smiled inside myself yesterday (and giggled and laughed out loud at things that happened on top of the Tor). Maybe things are looking up? Maybe
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Latest reply: Mar 18, 2002
Why do I feel so much anger?
Posted Mar 16, 2002
I found out that someone is being very underhand with me and lying to people that they apparently 'care' about - They are using my helpfulness, my love for them and my friendship to get what they want, while lying about important stuff to make them sound like they aren't really a nasty piece of work.
Well, I suppose all will come out in the wash, but what I can't understand is why don't they realise that lying (and it doesn't matter if it's a little white fib) won't make them a better or a more interesting person - it just hurts those around them and turns them into something even worse - a rotter, a cad (why can't I ever find the right word?).
When the other person finds out that they have been lying to them - friendships or relationships are irretrievably broken, they will never trust them again. They may say that they do, because they don't want to believe that this person would do such a thing, but there would be always something at the back of that persons head.
Trust should be paramount between friends - and usually you know just how much to tell them of your thoughts and fears, it just sickens me that someone so dispicable could use those same feelings to hurt that person. I don't always have 'rose tinted glasses' on, I know that there are some nasty people in the world.
I just never thought it would happen to me twice.
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Latest reply: Mar 16, 2002
My life is like a seesaw!
Posted Mar 15, 2002
Yesterday I was 'middling'. Today sees the start of another section of my life. I feel really let down by my emotions, I cared or expected too much and scared somebody away from me for good.
Why did I do it? - only the gods know the answer to that one. Why do I still care so much after all the hurtful things that was said? - because LOVE doesn't stop just like that (if it ever does).
I'm still in love with someone (you'd never guess who - he's on H2G2 as well), and I would do anything I could possibly do to make it all Ok again. I know it's all over, and there is no possibility of reconciliation - if only eh?..... 
I'm not a bad person - I know that now. I'm just a very unhappy person at the moment. I know that it'll get better, but I need that to happen really quickly - for my sanity I suppose.
I've got to deal with the nasty people in my life, just like everybody else does. But everybody else doesn't love the person that dislikes them with a vengence.
If anyone reads this, then I'm sorry that I've brought you down - but it's good to see what my emotions have been like since I started writing on here.
I can't think of anything else to write at the moment, but as before - I don't like myself very much at the moment.
Louise
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Latest reply: Mar 15, 2002
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