h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In a bizarre action that amounts to walking to St. James' Park as per usual clad in stripey club shirts as per usual but not buying a programme, the geordies protest against Mike Ashley ...

Action 1 - Sign the petition!
Action 2 - Go on the protest march!
The intention is that the march will set off at 12.30pm, going on to Grainger Street to the monument and then up Northumberland Street, past the Haymarket and on to Percy Street to St James’ Park.
Action 3 - Wear club colours with pride
Action 4 - Boycott the club’s products!

It goes on ...

Action 5. Shout Keegan In Keegan In Haddaway an Shyte Haddaway an Shyte loudly for two 45 minute periods separated by a 15 minute interval.
Action 6. Invite Alan Price to sing the Jarrow Song at half time
Action 7. Go home and don scruffy working class oik togs with flat cap and whippet
Action 8. March to London and trash Lilywhites

I AM MISTER TERRY VEENABLES DEPOSED FORMER MANAGER OF TOTTINGHAM AND ENGLANDS. I HAVE BUSSINESS OPPORTUNITIE FOR YOU. I SOON HAVE ACCCESS TO 325 MILLIONS POUNDS (ENGLISH) IN ST JAMES PARK BANK ACCOUNTS WHICH ONLY GUARDED BY FAT MAN WHO SELL TRAINERS AAND SHIRTS WITH BARCODES. YOU WILL INSTALLS ME AS MANAGERS AND THEN I TRANSFER FUNDS TO YOU ACCOUDNTS BACK IN NIGERIA. PLEASE SEND BANK DETAILS I BEGIN TRASNFERS ALSO PLEASE NOTE TO FIND JOB FOR MY DARREN ANDERTON.
AWATING YOUR URGENT REPLY

MR TERRY VNEABLES ABUJA

From: Foreign & Commonwealth Office
To: First Minister's Office, Holyrood

Dear Alex

We now propose to make the cut-off just north of Durham at latitude 54.8 N, so you can have Sunderland as well as Newcastle, plus Carlisle, what's left of it.

We absolutely insist however that England gets to keep the Southwaite Services on the M6. Let me reiterate too that you'll now be responsible for sorting out all that Northern Rock b*ll*cks, AND you have to keep Gordon up there at all times.

None of this in the press, please, or the deal's off. In particular, no references to me ceding my own constituency to Scotland (though, honestly, your welcome to the whining b*st*rds), or you'll be crisper than a deep-fried Mars bar.

Yours, etc

David