h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Yeah, OK. I got a bit pedantic. Sorry.
Social dysfunction is part of the uniform though, right?

So - what are we going to do?
Just start writing, like you said, or start filling in the structure, like I said?
Or give up here and now and sniff at each other?

Sniff you, not likely.

I'm having a go at the beginning, waking up in Exeter Gaol. It's red sandstone ain't it. Could post some here so you can tell me if it's sufficiently "taut" for your requirements ...

... why did the walrus go to the tupperware party?

Sounds good (not that you'll ever be tight enough for this seal)

Pin (making a note to insult Trout more often - it improves his repartee no end)

Right then, here is an effort. Is it taut? Is it too extravagant? Does it give the right clues? Is it good enough for you?

***

You wake here, never because you are rested but because you are disturbed. Neither these roughly hewn sandstone walls nor this woollen blanket to every sense the equivalent of the masonry aforesaid hold any comfort. And that single window high above with its couple of mostly rusted-through iron bars muffles not a single sound. You curl up even more tightly, foot wrapped about foot, chin to breast, foetal for survival. [The irony is stark. If so, is it best left unsaid?]

This night at least, your last night here, the relentless roar and cackle of rain hitting cobble and tile has given respite from the usual nocturnal symphony of violence and trauma. Only the … [Something about the penetration of steam whistles here? The balance requires a second sentence and the proximity of the railway lends sense of time. … also the closer-to-hand clunking of iron keys in iron locks]

But now, in the pre-dawn blackness, the deluge has abated and you listen to [hear?] the clank and clamour of humanity emerging from the mantle of night, seeking frantically to recover its city. Yells and yelps, both human and of less-civilised beasts, accompanied by the clickety-clack of iron on cobble signify that the cycle is about to once again begin. As sure as life yields to death, so night must give way to day.

***

Too many onamatapaeic(?) "cl..." words.

Certainly there for now. Extravagant, yes, but why not?
We're writing, my friend.
What do you think so far?
A2820836
(by no means claimed to be finished. I'm just trying to get stuff down, to give us something to shape. For starters, what do you say we just fill it all in, quick and dirty?
Let me know the bits you want to go for, so we don't duplicate too much. The only bit I really want for myself is failed drop 1, under the hood. OK?)
Pin

Don't give me the Made in Hong Kong Ray Charles smiley!

Anyway, I daren't look. Just don't be shy to tell me you wouldn't even touch it with, erm, say, Jazzme's if you think it's sh...ite.

T...t...trout...choo

One thing, the partition walls, what are they gypsum board? Timber?

No, this is good.
I tell you straight, like Berry as Becks wasn't, right?
Your part so far can work. It needs some care, because it's the very beginning and so it has to catch, but it's close and it's worth working at.
Overwriting is a good fault (whatever nadia tells you!)
The contrast of styles will improve this. We don't want to be all over the place, but the shifts of tense and time and decoration will make it compelling.
The main thing we have to remember is that this story is so strong that it will tell itself. It won't need much embellishment.

The building materials can come later, OK?

(I thinks that's probably a lift off Jane Neck's court testimony. I'll check)