Journal Entries
reasons i hate my degree
Posted Mar 18, 2002
Oh christ i have had enough, enough that is of studying for my bsc in chemistry. I am in the third year, the end is in sight. Finals are rushing up on me like suenami. The large wall of water is on the horizon, and everyone around me is running away because the bay has strangly emptied of water. Fish lie on the damp sand, flicking themselves up into the air, like it will help.
And what am i doing?
well...
i'll tell you, i'm lying on the beach, vaguely aware of the fuss and comotion all around me, but not really doing anything. It doesn't seem real you see. it's too much of an abstract thing for me to take in. The end?
surely not. no, i must have another year left, don't i?
no. Three months and i am no longer a student, i shall be spat out into the world. My actions over the next three months will EFFECT THE REST OF MY LIFE. As clueless and unhelpful relatives keep reminding me, but i'll come to that in just a moment.
so, why am i not doing anything? This is no doubt the question crossing your minds, unless of course you are in my position.
Why?
Cos i don't care.
I really am not bothered. i could honestly not give two flying dingo's kindeys about the whole thing. When i chose the university of east anglia i was i think it is safe to say, a different person. in fact on reflection i can quite safely so i have very little in common with the me, of then.
He is gone, eaten away and destroyed by a number of factors, but mostly by the fact that he did not work. Being that person did not work for me, and caused many unpleasent difficulties. This however is the subject for another entry, the simple fact is that 18 months ago (-ish, it's very difficult to put a date on these things)is about when me now, settled into existance. (that is to say, got i got my head sorted and since then i have been able to look back and see concictancy with in me)
The long and the short of this state of affairs is, and the language i'm using here is half way between the truth and elaborate metaphores, is that 18 months ago i came into a state of conciousness and found my self in norwich doing a degree in chemistry. I remember this seemed very surial, and it can be honestly said that through that year i concentrated on many other things than chemistry
-i am digressing.
Why don't i care? well, i didn't chose this degree, old me did. Yes, i could have quit, but it was a difficult thing to realise. By the time i did, it was this year, my last year, and yes, it would bhave been stupid to quit then, i still believe this despite the fact i come close to quitting about once a week now. i've even once been on my way the office to do just that.
The lecture courses i can cope with, the final research project i can not. This is eating my time and me. For the last three monthsi have been working in the lab pretty much nine to five, well... ten to five, 9 just doesn't work for me... i am not getting anywhere...
i am not gouing to have a decent project, it is going to be sh#t.
And now i have got extra time to finish it. Hurrah!!! I get to stay here over easter...
Of course i had to ask, because yes i need the time, but i would rather i had been told no... but i was told yes.
So i am alone, in norwich, bored sh#tless, in a house which has no central heating cause our landlord is such a prize bender!
why?
i don't know, i don't want be here. And on top of that of the 20 odd conversations i have had with my mother recently, and despite my persistant requests for her not to, she brings it up every time. This is it!!! this matters, you must try...
like maybe i was unaware of this...
Why do parents feel the need to throw you onto the brink of dispair.
like it is honestly going to help...
as it happens i have difficulty concentrating, it stems from my first year. i get sidetracked very easily, no matter how hard i try my concentration limit is five minutes, if that. So does scaring the crap out me with thoughts of life the universe and everything a really good idea?, i think not.
my friends parents are all doing it too. It's like telling people violence doesn't solve anything, but doing it a gun point so people listen.
Anyone who has had anxiety problems will know how unhelpful this sort of behaviour is.
but i'm still here, getting up every morning, coming into uni, photo copying, doing experiments, which may go right, or not. either way it won't bother me, i shall of course notice, i may react, but i won't care. In four weeks i have to hand in a report on this, 80 pages, i must spend my holiday writing this, and fair enough, i think i can do this.
This is the big sucker part. The viver, the meeting with dr.s, and proffessors who will quiz me on my work. This is the nasty bit, because of course i don't care. But i mustn't let on. i must under no circumstanses shout
'who cares? i'm not bothered, i do not care about any of it i just want out'
this is unlikely to go down well, but unfortunatly there is a cheeky part to me that would love to do this.
this project is 30% of my year mark, it is in every way except to me, the most important thing i shall do this accademic year.
my value system works very differently, to me the most important thing i shall do this year may be, to lauch an effort to have a career in comedy, it might be getting my first flat, maybe even A JOB.
but it won't be this. all this is to me is a cage that i am told one day i shall get out of, but right now that doesn't feel real iether.
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Latest reply: Mar 18, 2002
New today, check it out.
Posted Mar 15, 2002
The newest entry to our collection, the almost entirely unanticipated and on the whole unheard of but bound to be famous by the end of the day, yeah, really. Does sarcasm transgress through type face???
the double glazing sketch, hmmmmm
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 15, 2002
14/3/02
Posted Mar 14, 2002
if anyone here ever rents student accomodation in norwich run a mile from the landlord jon daniels, we are still cold.
this man is useless and all his houses are dropping to bits
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Mar 14, 2002
7/3/02
Posted Mar 6, 2002
a frightening thing happened to me yesterday. during the night i had a dream where i awaoke in the middle of the night and smelled gas. The house was full of gas, so, in the dark i opened a window and then one by one awoke my flatmates, and together we got out of the house and called the fire brigade. And while we were waiting for them we had to wake our neighbours, shouting to them NOT to turn their lights on.
anyway i forgot all about this dream until in the morning when i got up and went down stairs to make some coffee i smelled gas and when i investigated i found our pilot light had gone out. The entire downstairs of our house was full of gas.
We can't get our pilot light to stay alight and after remembereing my dream we daren't leave it on over night.
it is march and it is cold, but i don't want to risk it
Discuss this Journal entry [31]
Latest reply: Mar 6, 2002
Da Unk
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