h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Oh christ i have had enough, enough that is of studying for my bsc in chemistry. I am in the third year, the end is in sight. Finals are rushing up on me like suenami. The large wall of water is on the horizon, and everyone around me is running away because the bay has strangly emptied of water. Fish lie on the damp sand, flicking themselves up into the air, like it will help.

And what am i doing?

well...


i'll tell you, i'm lying on the beach, vaguely aware of the fuss and comotion all around me, but not really doing anything. It doesn't seem real you see. it's too much of an abstract thing for me to take in. The end?

surely not. no, i must have another year left, don't i?

no. Three months and i am no longer a student, i shall be spat out into the world. My actions over the next three months will EFFECT THE REST OF MY LIFE. As clueless and unhelpful relatives keep reminding me, but i'll come to that in just a moment.

so, why am i not doing anything? This is no doubt the question crossing your minds, unless of course you are in my position.

Why?

Cos i don't care.

I really am not bothered. i could honestly not give two flying dingo's kindeys about the whole thing. When i chose the university of east anglia i was i think it is safe to say, a different person. in fact on reflection i can quite safely so i have very little in common with the me, of then.

He is gone, eaten away and destroyed by a number of factors, but mostly by the fact that he did not work. Being that person did not work for me, and caused many unpleasent difficulties. This however is the subject for another entry, the simple fact is that 18 months ago (-ish, it's very difficult to put a date on these things)is about when me now, settled into existance. (that is to say, got i got my head sorted and since then i have been able to look back and see concictancy with in me)

The long and the short of this state of affairs is, and the language i'm using here is half way between the truth and elaborate metaphores, is that 18 months ago i came into a state of conciousness and found my self in norwich doing a degree in chemistry. I remember this seemed very surial, and it can be honestly said that through that year i concentrated on many other things than chemistry

-i am digressing.

Why don't i care? well, i didn't chose this degree, old me did. Yes, i could have quit, but it was a difficult thing to realise. By the time i did, it was this year, my last year, and yes, it would bhave been stupid to quit then, i still believe this despite the fact i come close to quitting about once a week now. i've even once been on my way the office to do just that.

The lecture courses i can cope with, the final research project i can not. This is eating my time and me. For the last three monthsi have been working in the lab pretty much nine to five, well... ten to five, 9 just doesn't work for me... i am not getting anywhere...
i am not gouing to have a decent project, it is going to be sh#t.

And now i have got extra time to finish it. Hurrah!!! I get to stay here over easter...

Of course i had to ask, because yes i need the time, but i would rather i had been told no... but i was told yes.

So i am alone, in norwich, bored sh#tless, in a house which has no central heating cause our landlord is such a prize bender!

why?

i don't know, i don't want be here. And on top of that of the 20 odd conversations i have had with my mother recently, and despite my persistant requests for her not to, she brings it up every time. This is it!!! this matters, you must try...

like maybe i was unaware of this...

Why do parents feel the need to throw you onto the brink of dispair.

like it is honestly going to help...

as it happens i have difficulty concentrating, it stems from my first year. i get sidetracked very easily, no matter how hard i try my concentration limit is five minutes, if that. So does scaring the crap out me with thoughts of life the universe and everything a really good idea?, i think not.

my friends parents are all doing it too. It's like telling people violence doesn't solve anything, but doing it a gun point so people listen.

Anyone who has had anxiety problems will know how unhelpful this sort of behaviour is.

but i'm still here, getting up every morning, coming into uni, photo copying, doing experiments, which may go right, or not. either way it won't bother me, i shall of course notice, i may react, but i won't care. In four weeks i have to hand in a report on this, 80 pages, i must spend my holiday writing this, and fair enough, i think i can do this.

This is the big sucker part. The viver, the meeting with dr.s, and proffessors who will quiz me on my work. This is the nasty bit, because of course i don't care. But i mustn't let on. i must under no circumstanses shout

'who cares? i'm not bothered, i do not care about any of it i just want out'

this is unlikely to go down well, but unfortunatly there is a cheeky part to me that would love to do this.

this project is 30% of my year mark, it is in every way except to me, the most important thing i shall do this accademic year.

my value system works very differently, to me the most important thing i shall do this year may be, to lauch an effort to have a career in comedy, it might be getting my first flat, maybe even A JOB.

but it won't be this. all this is to me is a cage that i am told one day i shall get out of, but right now that doesn't feel real iether.

well, wasn't i just the angryest little puppy yesterday, well i would be just as angry today if i had the energy. But i don't. by the end of yesterday having got everything (well, some things) of my chest i was calm, and was delighted to find that my flat mate, who had gone home for the e4aster break came back, which meant i was no longer on my own in the house.

and there was much rejoicing.

until...


at eleven o'clock, when i had just got to sleep, nice and early, thus enabling me to be up nice and early with the birds this morning... i got a phone call, from my flat mate, askinjg if these two bands could stop at our house, cos they were stuck in norwich with no where to go,

ahhhhhh, didums... wass to be honest my responce, and no was myg answer, i am here to do work, and no, not two bands staying the house... i suspect, although i have been unable tio verify that he was a bit drunk, whcih often is the reason for such behaviour (he has a bit of a reputation for finding strangers and collecting them like a magpie doe4s shiny things

anyway, i was eventually cojolled into saying yes, under the pretence they would ever so ever so quiet...

and i repeat ...

...

i really can't put it any more clearly than

...

i have not much sleep, i was kept awake till past 6 i need to break something, i am so tired...

did i mention i hate my degree