Journal Entries
Just get on with it.
Posted Jun 4, 2007
Is something I really have to learn. That most of the time when you get stuff out the way it's easier and leaves you with a lighter head than putting it off...
Stayed in bed all Friday because I reasoned that if I didn't get out of bed I didn't have to deal with Orange/my solicitor/ TV license people/ ebuyer etc. When finally forced to deal with things today it all took about 5 mins and came out perfectly...
So, note to self, putting things off and letting them hang over your head is definately not the right thing to do...
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Latest reply: Jun 4, 2007
This is a really s..t week.
Posted May 30, 2007
I hope I bounce back soon. Doesn't help when the only people I feel I can talk to is my boss (not in front of other staff) and my housemate who's working away at the moment for 5 weeks.
Can't talk to anyone else about s..t. Don't want people to know about this facet of my personality. People don't care that party boy has deep rooted problems anyway. All I am is a mobile entertainment and night out service.
F..k it all.
I still want to cry. But I won't. Not here anyway.
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Latest reply: May 30, 2007
Bank holiday weekend
Posted May 24, 2007
Friday. Won two guestlists to Dubstep at Native. Messiness. Girls. Dancing.
Saturday. UK TEC somewhere secret. Possibly getting my attorney to hire a car to find the woodland clearing. Messiness. Girls. Dancing.
Sunday. Ed's b'day party. Messiness.
In my world I am Lord of all I survey.
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Latest reply: May 24, 2007
You know what?
Posted May 21, 2007
I don't care. I really don't. Well, I do, but...
During the week I get all thoughtful and despondent and lonely, thinking how nice it would be to have someone to share intimate moments with, to lie in bed all day watching DVDs and smoking weed.
And it's not like that goes away the the weekend. Sundays after a hard weekends partying I struggle to get out of bed and think it would be nice to have someone just to hold close at the time of the MDMA comedown when you feel most lonely. Even if I've stayed in the night before (a rare event I grant you)
But Friday night, the anticipation, the freedom. "What you doing tonight Wogs?" "Dunno bruv, I'm just gonna head into town, buy some Mandy and have a blinder." I sit at home in anticipation of the time I can go out. "I am Wai-Gong and I can do anything."
And I do, I dance with all the girls, even chat to a few, even get them home now and again. Dance my feet off to music I love, bump into the same old mates from the scenes I love. Then theres the other nights when you've got a load of closer friends out, club closes and its free party in a warehouse or woods or back to someones for associated madness and before you know it it's 12pm the next day and you go home to neck some valium and vodka to put you to sleep rather than lie in bed unable to sleep thinking of how many girls you might have been able to get if you weren't such a cockspaz. But that's not what I'm talking about here, I'm talking about the good times.
And at these times I look around me in wonder at how much I love the good bits of my life. I mean REALLY love. I love my friends, I love Bristol's music/club scene, I love the feeling of freedom at an illegal rave. I love being able to go to any club playing my kind of music and know there'll be someone there to greet me as a mate. I love being me when people come up and tell me they've seen me at nearly every rave since they moved to Bristol 6 yrs ago or whatever. I love it when I'm right in the middle of the dancefloor breakdance battling some other kid (and nearly always winnning I hasten to add). I love it when girls tell me I'm an amazing dancer, I was even asked where I was taught to dance on Friday lol. I love being able to just head out with a pocket full of drugs and a wallet with a bit of cash and find randoms/new friends/crazy crusties.
THIS IS WHAT WE DO AND THE WAY WE DO IT.
And I meet girls every week, get phone numbers most weeks. I must have the lowest pull to meeting up again ratio in the world. But hell, could be worse...
But maybe it's part of me. There's the part which wants someone to share my funtimes with, and theres the part which couldn't deal with any restrictions to my life. And so maybe I subconsciously make it hard for myself because deep down even I don't know what I want.
I mean, since I was 19 I've had 1-3 relationships. All of them have been open arrangement/funkbuddy's, sometimes the line get's blurred but lets just say I've always done my own thing.
I say 1-3 because I always keep the line blurred purely because I have my life and I just want a woman in it when I want, and when I'm dancing to the heavy jungle beats I can't help getting the old bump and grind on, "Oh, your such a good dancer." Girls dancing well is the most erotic thing in the world, when you can join in and they are impressed your self-worth inflates hugely.
Selfish and self obsessed and quite possibly narcissistic. Doesn't help I suppose when the last person I was in love with was a social butterfly party animal herself so that side of things worked perfectly.
But I haven't been in anything "closed" (as opposed to open) since I was 19 and I was a totally different person then anyway, the shy kid.
Since then the whole time I've been a rave monster and always done my own thing. Could I deal with a proper relationship now? I don't know but I've recently started to want to try. I mean, I've never cheated on anyone but that's because I've always had it set up that it's not cheating. It's be interesting to have the chance to find out how well I could deal with being faithful.
What I need is another funkbuddy to deal with all the needs, the being close to someone in bed, the Sunday mornings and afternoons. When I get one of these I never feel the need for a relationship. Unfortunately it isn't too easy to come by this...
So we get thoughtful weeks, slightly lonely, slightly melancholic, punctuated by a blur of drugs and dancing and craziness and most of all BLINDING FUN.
I dunno, I'm a complex funker deep down...
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Latest reply: May 21, 2007
Possible Scenarios
Posted May 11, 2007
So, you pull a girl at a club on the Sunday night, she comes home with you for a couple of hours but has to be at work at 7am. You have a little fun, get on well, she's really hot and on your level. She goes to work, you lend her a hoody and give her funds for a taxi, she says that if she's gonna try and get cover, she'll be back to bed if she does. You go to sleep.
Wake about 6pm and text her (the same day, you nutter, you're breaking all the rules, but shes a little special) she calls back an hour or two later and you have a good little chat. She says she's gotta return the hoody and money anyway, you tell her the money ain't important but she's insistent. You wanna meet anyway and she asks you to call her later in the week to link up, both agreeing it'd be nice.
Jump Wednesday and you can't wait to ring her. Give her a bell, chat for 10 minutes (and it was BOTH of us chatting, maybe even more her, not my usual verbal onslaught) and she says can I phone ya back shortly, I'm just finishing work now and it's my workmates last day so I've gotta go be social. I tell her I'm working till 10 and theres no reception at my work, she says she'll text me so I can ring her back. Smiles all round.
So I finish my shift, get home, no text. Not a problem, workmates leaving thing at a bar, could get messy, drop a text, all casual like, "Just wondered is you wanted to link at the weekend." No worries, probably pissed in some bar somewhere...
Next day comes and I'm like funking Blondie, checking my mobile every ten minutes, no call, no text. Yeah it's only been a day and I shouldn't, but I'm an impatient gimp and this girls made me pretty excited so that evening I give her a call. Doesn't go straight throught to answerphone but rings first. Leave a quick message saying the same thing as the text. Day later still no acknowledgement.
So, possible scenarios?
If she didn't seem that keen in the the first place than yeah, blanking me would be an obvious one. But she didn't seem like that at all, seemed as keen as I was, and then there was the business of insisting she was gonna pay back the taxi money I'd given her, plus my hoody, not normal behaviour from someone planning to blankety blank.
Lost her phone that night maybe? But it rang for a while before answerphone, if you've lost ya phone and someones finds it first thing they'd do is turn it off...
Got pissed off at my harassment after she said she'd text me and then decided to blank me? Possible I suppose, but like I said, she seemed keen and it's not like I've been repeatedly texting and ringing her, just one call and one text after I didn't hear from her when she said she would.
I can't think of any other scenarios really, was chatting to my female housemate and she reckons I should give her a call tonight, if I get nothing start stalking her, lol. Because I know where she works see, reception at bar and backpackers hostel place, if I can't get through I might wander down just to see...
I don't funking know, usually I've got to motivate myself to even text a girl a week later, feels wierd for it to be the other way around.
Being on my own in the lab makes me go all thinky-thinky, need banal conversation to keep my mind from going deep lol.
Any possible likely scenarios or explanations or advice kindly accepted... I don't know...
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Latest reply: May 11, 2007
BobTheFarmer
Researcher U188061
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