h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi there. I want to tell you how sorry I am about your mother. It is very hard to watch someone deteriorate like that. My father had Alzheimer's. He was such an intelligent man and then to wind up with no mind at all seemed so unfair. And now my mother is showing signs of dementia, as well.

I also understand your worry about developing the same condition. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that.

I can tell from your posts that you are a strong person. That's good, because some situations in life require us to be strong. Just wanted you to know that you're in my thoughts.

Hyp

Hi Hyp

Thank you.

In my most selfpitying moments I find it very unfair. I'm on my last teenage mutant-sulk-an-awful-lot, and even before he 'comes around' my mother starts the reverse proces. Acting with all the stubbornness and selfcenteredness like a teenager and going backwards into childhood state - i.e. needing more and more help and loosing the ability to take responsibillity as she cannot foresee the consequences of her actions. (If my two grandmothers' behavior is the model for what is going to happen).

Mostly I try to keep the memory of when my mum was at her peak. I've learned a lot about life and living (positively) from my mother. I think my oldest daughter suffer the most because my parents were like second parents to her. But it helped her, when I and daughter #2 came during her visit, because the two of them could have a laugh together at the absurdities, while I was back in memory land with my mother.

Also it is good to be more people to do the practical stuff together. It feels a bit like crossing boundaries when for instance I'm visiting my mum and spend a lot of time checking the fridge (for bad food), checking her letters and appointments, cleaning and generally bossing around with her watching.

When we are more, one can talk to her while the others do the 'dirty' stuff.

It has taken me three quarters of a year to wring her GP's arm and get an appointment with a gerontopsychiatric doctor and nurse. He doesn't at all know the state of my mother's mind or health.

When the gerontospecialists have checked her, it will be easier to get the right help. I expect she will not be able to live where she lives on her own for long.

How old is your mother, and how is she doing?

With what you and Lady C. have told, it seems that you also keep the memory of your dad at his best. I think that is the best way to remember anybody.

Strong. I suppose so - most of the time. And stubborn. Nobody and nothing will get me down (for more than a short while)

Besides there are so many people out there, passionate, interesting, emphatic and doing their best for 'the world'.

Mother is 86. She is in fair shape physicaly for a woman her age. She has a chronic problem with skin cancers and we are currently treating her for a bad place near her right eye. Surgery there would be very tricky so we are trying other things first. Right now we're using a cream that stimulates your own immune system to fight the cancer cells.

She has less stamina each time I see her, it seems. She gives out on me just taking her to the grocery store. She has given up going shopping atthe mall and most other places. And she has lost interest in her gardening. This is a worry to me since she always loved it. That was always her thing.

Her memory is far from good and is getting worse. She still lives alone, but I honestly don't know how much longer that will be possible. And the depression she fell into when my dad was ill and then after his death has never lifted. She refuses to take anything for it. Just lets the pills sit there in the bottle or throws them away.

She has never been a warm, cuddly person. Now that she is older, she doesn't even try to be pleasant. She says exactly what she pleases, no matter who is offended. She makes really hateful remarks to total strangers, usually about their weight or clothes or some other personal thing. Or she flys into young mothers who let their kids run wild in the shops. She has never had any sense of humor to soften her nature. She is very cold and unaffectionate. So it should be no surprise that she is an extremely cranky, difficult old lady. Her way is the only way, and if you don't walk in lock step then she blasts you....whether she even knows you or not.

But, she is my mother and I want what is best for her. I just don't know what that is at the moment. There is absolutely no way to please her.

Awk! This turning into the parent and the parent becoming the child is pretty difficult.

It is a pity your mother doesn't want to take the pills against depression. My brother tells me that it has helped a lot of his friends' (usually) mothers.

It is natural, really, to become depressed when you lose your spouse and companion through many years. A person should accept whatever help is given to ease or lift the sorrow and depression. (I hope I will). But your mother is probably old school: 'one has to endure'.

I can understand that you are worried about your mother having lost interest in her garden. What we want for our parents is a good quality of life in their last years - no matter how. Warmth, laughs and security. Pets are also used for some people. It lifts the spirit to have someone to give your love - and be loved back. It seems also to calm down anxious people to stroke fur, feel the warmth of a dog or cat.

But then again - if your mother is not affectionate and/or is not able to care daily for at pet....

My mother, 75 in 14 days, now also always find things to criticise about people in stead of seeing the good stuff (which she has taught me to do). It is so unlike her and not very charming - to put it nicely.

But maybe the women get a kick out of 'being allowed' to speak their minds now, if they have been/have been expected to be the 'good and well mannered girls' all their life?

My grandmother was really something, when her mind went haywire.

"Who are you? Do you clean here?", when I came to visit her.
"No, I'm your grandchild A., F.'s daughter".
"No way. You look too ugly to be that".



Well, I supposed, she remembered me as a child and not as a grown up.

Singing brought back her memories - and talking about the days when she came often in our house. I used to bring her a bottle of her favorite beer, and we sang all the old songs. Party-granny. .

Do you ever worry that you are turning into your mother? Because I sure do. And I don't want to be like her.

The pet suggestion is a good one for most people. Unfortunately, my mother doesn't care anything about pets. We always had pets when I was a kid, but it was because my dad liked them, never because she wanted any, She barely tolerated them. It's true that they are a lot of work and make messes sometimes. That is what she focuses on rather than the company they give you. I really like having my dog and cats, so her attitude has always puzzled me. I think it goes along with her general unaffectionate nature.

Singing with your grandmother sounds like fun. My granddad died when I was 5. The other one was dead before I was born. One of my grandmothers died when I was 7 and the other one when I was 12. I remember them all of course, but still I feel sort of cheated in the grandparent department.

I know that losing my dad was hard on Mom. They were married 51 years. But it almost seemed like she wanted to use his death to focus attention on herself. When he was so ill it was always about her, never him. It was like she resented the attention he was getting. Then afterward she really played up the widow card big time. She has periods where she seems pretty cheerful, then she remembers that she's suppposed to be suffering and her attitude completely changes. She becomes "poor me" again. It's so frustrating to deal with.

I got absolutely no support or sympathy from her when my husband died. Not a single word. Again, she seemed to resent that someone else was getting "her" attention.

I apologize for going on so. But some days she really gets to me and today is one of those days. Thanks for listening.

Hi Hyp, don't apologise.

I think you are very good at observing other people's behavior and always have wise and emphatic ways to describe, analyse and explain how they act. For the lack of words, I'll say a humanist at heart - and compassionate with that. And I learn from it.

(I hope this comes out as I mean it).

Therefore you'll never be your mother as you describe her. What I know from listening to you for years at the atelier and reading your travelouge (sp?) you are a quite different person at heart. A person I aspire to be like.

I've just seen an article, and my colleague is going to write an article about, how gardens can be used for theraphy - for demented, mentally handicapped, depressed persons etc. I think I'll look into it.

But my mother's passion is now her cats. One of them had six kittens four weeks ago. She sometimes confuses them with her children and she treats them likewise. If they don't come home at night she worries and goes looking for them. When I've taken her to hospital and for a meal afterwards she says - 'I wonder what the young ones think when I come home'.

I think she lives in parallel worlds: 1. Being a child herself. 2. The life when she had husband and small children. 3. The life today. The lives interact, and she has imaginary visitors she cooks for (her parental family and her own family from then). Sometimes the cats help her move furniture, she says....

The odd thing is that she only had very little, next to nothing to do with her cousins, aunts etc. when she was an adult. She didn't really like them as she felt she was regarded as an outcast.

It would have been much better if her imaginary visitors would have been pleasant, interesting and entertaining - not tedious, demanding and condemning.

That's so interesting that she would have unpleasant imaginary visitors. I wonder if that is common? My aunt told us that when my grandmother was becoming senile she thought a favorite niece of hers visited all the time. She would sit and chat to her like she was right there beside her. The niece was alive at the time as far as I know, so we can't say she was seeing ghosts. Anyway, that was a happy experience for my grandmother.

I can imagine myself as an old lady surrounded by my cats, treating them like children. Oops. That describes me now!

The living in parallel worlds reminds me of a poem I wrote a few years ago for called "The Half Life". It was about my mother and her state of mind after my father's death. Yes, people can live in two worlds at the same time. It is sad to watch.

Thank you for the kind words. Right now I don't feel much like a humanist. I have been much too depressed and cranky lately. I'm trying to improve my frame of mind and get back to a more level state.