Journal Entries
Scared over Nothing
Posted Jul 20, 2006
That's how I feel right now- scared over nothing, or at least nothing to everyone else in the world.
I have been attracted to a man since I got to State College. He's sweet, funny, holds doors open for me, is incredibly intelligent- and doesn't seem to be able to take subtle hints. I've been dropping hints that I've been into him for a while now, and he's -kindof- reciprocated, but hasn't given me anything more to go on. I've been working myself up to telling him flat out, and I was almost ready.
And today, the bottom dropped out.
I work in the mail room in the graduate dorm where he lives. This means I sort through all the mail when it comes in in the morning. He got a postcard that was blatantly romantic.
I tried not to look, I really did... but it's so hard when you have to put it in his mailbox, and know it's for him. It felt like being punched in the stomach. I was in shock for the rest of the day, and I'm so scared right now of losing him because I'm too chicken to act!
I had coffee with him today, and I could barely keep myself under control. I know it's stupid, but this is the first man I've ever really felt this way about, and I want to be romantic with him, but I'm too scared of ruining our friendship and never seeing him again to go after it.
Why does the universe work like this? Why do I have to work twice as hard for everything I want, and never get half of it? I wish whatever god or demon in charge of my life would take a vacation, so I could be with someone that makes me happy, even if just for one day!
Compared to what's going on in the world right now, this really /is/ nothing. No one's dying, no one's living in mortal fear, no one's starving, and all parties are free to practice their own religion and speak their minds.
But, I'm still scared.
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Latest reply: Jul 20, 2006
Meetings with my advisor: Preempted
Posted Jul 19, 2006
I was supposed to meet with my advisor this week.
Supposed to.
On Monday, he wasn't in.
On Tuesday, he had video conferences.
And then there was today. I had emailed him about it and everything. We were supposed to get together at 2:30 so that I could discuss the next steps with him.
I walked in the lab, and saw him talking with N- real nice guy, marathon runner. I'd run into him earlier in the day, and told him about this meeting. Now, he's going to be publishing here in the next few months, so his work was a little more urgent than mine. I took a seat at the table and waited.
A few minutes later, my advisor got up, said, "Well, I gotta go!" and did so. I stopped him before he got far. "
" I said.
"Oh, yeah. Got to take the cats to the vet. [My wife] reminded me about it last night."
"Oh, Okay. So... tomorrow then?"
"Yeah sure"
"Around three?"
"uhm.... hmmm.... I don't know what my schedule's like tomorrow. I'll email you!"
That is the first time I've been preempted by a cat.
Discuss this Journal entry [48]
Latest reply: Jul 19, 2006
Back to State College- much rambling
Posted May 31, 2006
So...
*cough*
Isn't it always awkward after something big has happened?
I'm back from home after my grandmother's funeral. I really miss her, but... oh if you could have seen her legs, you would have wondered how she held on so long.
The funeral itself was beautiful- grandma always liked nice things, and she had picked out yellow roses for her flowers. She didn't have a spray for on top of the casket, but I think that she thought that would have been too much- besides, so many people sent flowers! The funeral parlor really did a nice job on her. She was in the dress she wore to my cousin's wedding, and she looked very much like she did that day. That would have made her happy. We put her prayer book in her hand, and as it turns out, she had some beautiful passages marked in it- about taking your family to heaven with you. That made me happy.
I got to see so many people I hadn't in a very long time: some old classmates, my teachers, great aunts and uncles, my dad's co-workers- even my parents' high school teachers! It wasn't so much sad as it was a send-off and a celebration. Everyone was so nice and friendly, and even the Amsterdam Cop took his hat off as the funeral procession passed by. We buried her in the Bergholz Cemetary. I had been up there before to visit my grandpa's grave, but I never really appreciated how nice of a view it is from their plot. It looks down into the valley at a couple of farms and a good example of a humid climate alluvial fan (hey, I may be grieving, but I'm still a 
).
All that, and I got to see my extended family plow through the buffet at the wake like there was a prize at the other end. My great Uncle Bill, despite having brain cancer and firmly believing I'm my mom, can put away six pieces of chicken, a generous helping of rigatoni and meat sauce, another generous helping of potato salad, and top it off with two slices of pie. That's the thing about my family: you know something's really wrong when they don't eat! (By the way: Uncle Bill is quite a character- he fought in World War II, and still bears such a grudge against Germany in general that we can't tell him we have a Volkswagen.)
After that, we moved back to State College. And that's another story entirely that I'm saving for later: It's over 90 F out there, and I want to go swimming!
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Latest reply: May 31, 2006
A Simple Act Of Rebellion
Posted May 10, 2006
Grad school is full of many rewards: getting a computer program to work after many hours of debugging, receiving a hard-earned A, even a nice drink with your friends or an evening huddled together in front of Doctor Who to celebrate the end of a long week.
Living on a budget is not among these rewards.
It's hard having to watch every single penny you spend. I agonize over simple things like grocery shopping and eating out; is it worth more for me to buy food in the grocery store, or grab fast food this week because I just don't have time to cook? Saturday was the first time I bought an article of clothing in month (and I don't even count that, because I had a coupon to get it free).
So today, I had to go to the store to get some packing tape for the boxes I'm using to move. After thinking for five minutes on whether I should buy the one small roll or the three large rolls (I bought the small one), I headed to the register. And that's when I saw it.
The sign read "Camping Gear for the Whole Family!"
And underneath it was a small, 2 man dome tent for $10.
Now, those of you I've told about my last trip to California will remember that I ran into some difficulties procuring a tent. Mine ripped, and I had to borrow a friend's pup "tent", which was really little more than a glorified bivy sack. I couldn't even sit up in it, which made changing clothes a real pain (I had to go outside, find a bush, realize people could see me, find another bush, freeze, end up with too few clothes, go back for more, and repeat). So I made up my mind that the first thing I'd invest in when I got back to State College is a dome tent of my own. And here it was, right in front of me.
And so I rebelled against my painfully low salary, packed the tent under my arm, and marched proudly to the register. I set it up as soon as I got home- still a little small, the only way I could really lie down is if I stretched diagonally across the floor of the tent. The walls are a little thin, wouldn't use it if the nights got below 40 F. But it's mine! And I needed it, for both use, and as something entirely unrelated to food or shelter!
I should probably mention that the store I bought it at is called "Ollie's Bargain Outlet."
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Latest reply: May 10, 2006
Told you so...
Posted May 2, 2006
I've always said health care was better in Britain than in the US, and now I have a peer reviewed journal to agree with me!
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/05/02/health/02cnd-health.html
Discuss this Journal entry [2]
Latest reply: May 2, 2006
Scandrea
Researcher U186740
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