h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I read your post at Ask h2g2:
"Some interesting thoughts in this thread.
I wonder if we are all capable of grand passion, or if some of us have to put up with a humdrum or unequal relationship? Or is it a question of perceiving life differently?
It's hard being the less devoted partner of someone who professes great love. I can't give as much as he would like. Sometimes I think we shouldn't have married - I think I was flattered by being wanted & it seemed the best thing to do at the time. Most of the time I'm reasonably content - we've been married over 20 years & my two children are the most fulfilling part of my life. I couldn't bring myself to hurt him by breaking it up. But a little part of me yearns to experience grand passion......"

I was married, quite happily, for ten years. Then I got restless and had an affair.
We got divorced, he remarried very quickly and had another family.
I am still alone, 17 years on, I had to sit through my daughter's wedding - with my ex and his second wife there.
I have a grandson but I don't have the pleasure of sharing him with his grandad.
I am so lonely, and I dread growing old alone.

I'd give anything to turn back the clock and do things differently.

All the lonely people in the world, may I give you a ?

That is a sad story. I hope at least you have the company of friends, tho I know that's not the same.

I suspect that for all my dreams, I am really too timid and content with my quiet life to do anything any drastic. If the opportunity ever did present itself, I daresay I'd actually back off.
All my life I've felt on the fringe of things, not fully part of the 'in crowd', keen for excitement yet relieved to be safely at a distance.

I'm rebelling against growing old as well. Still, I'm luckier than many.
Thankfully I have some good friends. Hubby & I do enough separate activities & get on well enough otherwise that I guess we can continue to jog along OK.

'Always look on the bright side of life...'

Oh yes, I'm lucky I have wonderful friends.

That's a great outlook you have, and I am enjoying myself at the moment, turning this small bungalow I've moved into with my youngest son, into a home.

Rebelling against getting old......I refuse to feel or act my age!

Teasswill you have given me courage and the wonderful feeling that I'm not alone. Honestly, my situation is exactly as you describe yours. I just hope I can keep hold of my sanity while I live a little life in my head and bumble along with RL, enjoying the odd moments, especially the ones I can share and enjoy with my children.

Health and hormones have been my worst enemies. Back problems make me fairly immobile for the first half ot the day and since my hysterectomy in 1995 I feel on the verge of depression for most of the time. What with the menopause (which, as far as I know, is now in full swing) I think that was the turning point where I stopped sitting around waiting for life to start and started sitting around waiting for life to end.

I know, I know - it's a situation I can only get myself out of. Hubby seems totally oblivious of it. Mind you, he's probably going through a lot, too.

GB. You have been through an unfair amount of trouble and worry for a lot of your life and basically you are in the situation that you took the "other" decision and that's not right either. We have a man on hand and aren't entirely happy with it. You don't and are equally unsatisfied.

I have a friend (admittedly, she's a bit younger - just turned 40) who has two children and has dumped and finally divorced her husband, who drank. She is the happiest person I know, and I love being with her and often pick up the phone for a chat (although she only lives 2 streets away!) I hope for her sake that she will continue being contented with life. It does make me wonder sometimes though, how she manages all the time without a man. I keep wondering if we should fix her up a date for a birthday present or something. Just a one night stand, for a laugh. On the other hand, perhaps you get out of the habit, like a nun.

Oh - it's all so complicated. Are all those couples out there really so blissfully happy and really so unconditionally fond of each other?

Hi TC, good to hear from you. It does sound as if you've had a rough ride. Have you found any therapies to help (conventional medicicine or otherwise)?

If there's at least two of us not perfectly satisfied, I'm sure there are more. I imagine there are all sorts of relationships, some happier than others. What sparked my posting off was all the people bemoaning being dumped by a less loving partner & I wanted to get over how it can be a kind of burden to bear someone's love that you don't feel you can match.
But isn't love such an inadequate word? It has to cover such a range of feelings.

I think what a lot of people miss who have lost their partner (through death, divorce or whatever) is having a companion to go places with or talk to when you come home.

Ironically I have a good friend who is divorcing her husband reluctantly, having survived him having one affair, it is now one too many.

On the whole I have enough of 'my own space' to get along - and life isn't so bad that I want to radically change things. It's more a matter of sometimes being exceedingly irritated & regret that my marriage isn't better. Is it me? Hormones?

Oh aren't people & life complicated?

Love. I'm glad you mentioned that. Is there such a thing? I maintain that it is not an entity on its own, but like white light, made up of lots of related things. It is a mixture of : pride in the other person, the will, or urge to protect them, and enjoyment of being in their company, maybe fancying them, if we're talking about spouses or partners. It involves admiration, sympathy, and physical things like wanting to touch them and be touched by them and also a feeling of completeness with them around.

But one person cannot love only one other. Everyone has varying amounts of the above mentioned feelings towards everyone who is close to them in life, friends, colleagues, all relations - not only partner and children.

Quite honestly, I wish my husband would have an affair. AT least I'd then know he's capable of some passion. The thought might even turn me on. Well, once when I suspected him of something, it certainly made me feel happier about him.

TC said "GB. You have been through an unfair amount of trouble and worry for a lot of your life and basically you are in the situation that you took the "other" decision and that's not right either. We have a man on hand and aren't entirely happy with it. You don't and are equally unsatisfied"



"Oh - it's all so complicated. Are all those couples out there really so blissfully happy and really so unconditionally fond of each other?"

I know of couples who stay together for the sake of the children or their homes.
The men usually want an affair with me.

I am seeing one at the moment, though I haven't slept with him {he's not pressing me} he is doing jobs for me round the house in exchange for a cooked meal and and of course my company
We and but that's all.

I would say 50% on marriages, one of them is unhappy but stuck.
they won't leave because of hurting partner/kids - jobs/financial purposes/family disapproval etc.

My sister was one of those - deeply unhappy for 12 years, {unmatched sex-drives} she chose to have affairs. She didn't want to split the family and stayed married until she fell in love. Then got divorced after dumping her lover to give the marriage another try with family pressure {not my family} all this time, even though he knew she'd been unfaithful, Mark wanted her to stay and he even went to see Von's lover. After 6 weeks she couldn't stand it and got together with her lover again, then applied for a divorce, which Mark contested. He kept the house and the oldest child {he was 17 almost 18 then}. She left, took the 2 youngest with her & Mark gave her a lump sum. Her lover moved in with her, but she still regrets leaving the marriage. She thinks the 20 years was a waste.

What a shame.

There are no winners....

TC - how you describe love is true. There are lots of different types of love for different people - friends, parents, children, partners.
Love can be selfless or selfish. I recall all those dotty 'love is' cartoons from the 70s.
Of course we can never know what someone else feels just from what they say. Part of my problem is that we're differing personalities - I'm the realistic practical one, he's the romantic idealist. So he's more the 'I love you & that makes everything all right' approach & wants hugs & kisses, whereas I want a more practical demonstration that he takes notice of & respects what is important to me rather than belittling it. So does he really love me as I am or how he thinks I am? That's enough moaning from me. There are two sides to everything & I'm sure I've contributed to how things are now.

GB - you're so right about the no winners. And so many losers - the wider family as well as the couple. I certainly don't go looking for other partners, but if I happened upon someone I fell in love with I can't say what I'd do.