h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

50-50, say I. Or I could maybe find a market for cat-tails...

There is a market for them. But its usually... the PLANT! ... Fine. Out of the goodness of my heart, as well as the goodness of my self-preservation gland, we will split the earnings equally.

And no more unauthorised amputations. I can think of less painful (to me, at least) illicit schemes.

Oh don't be such a big baby! Think of all the money we could rake in with the help of your ex-body parts and a few high-class healing spells!

* glowers menacingly*

Don't be so...tacky! And greedy!

We can make just as much cash going in on Tavaron's religious relics scheme! Think of all the suckers out there!

And then there's all the illegal cyberdrug-running...I hear the Horse Mafia could use a courier...

I could probably make just as much money by convincing you to rob a bank. Big dragon. Presumably bullet proof. Flamethrower breath. ... But thats contrived. Bad guy gets big monster to rob bank.

I think that one's been done. With bad actors.

Let's be classy. Make war, not crime. After all, it's the Evil Army, not the Evil MotMV Gang of Petty Crooks.

Funding has to come from somewhere. For example, I had to work in commercials to fundraise for a few of the invasions. Picture this if you will:

Me: Soldier Guy! Whats the battle report?
Soldier GUy: Theres good news and bad news sir.
Me: Whats the bad news?
Soldier guy: Our troops are being defeated on all fronts. We are in full panicked retreat!
Me: WHAT?! Whats the good news then?
Soldier Guy: Well, I just saved a ton of money by switching to Gecko Insurance!

Well, I'm a pretty good actor. I could go on tour with 'St George and the Terribly Dragon'.

And please don't even ask me to tell you about that Hijinks cereal ad. I kept screwing up and smacking the stupid kid actors so they replaced me with a rabbit.

Not Hoppity?

I didn't catch his name. **** temp.

Bummer.

I think we should raise money through a pyramid scheme.

Sell the pyramids without a title deed? Brilliant!

Two heads with the same thought!

Also mummies.

Mummies used to be ground up and sold as medication powder.

I know - what a waste of a perfectly good mummy. They make much better lawn ornaments.

Thats what I was thinking ! (No. He wasn't)

Are you suffering from schizophrenia? Or is Anole on the keyboard with you?

Nah. The Parenthesis are basically your way of telling the truth from the convincing lies that are actually the truth.