h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Two more cuts, more blood. Feel better now.

Neither Valerie nor Vivienne can talk to you now - because I am blocking them. I prevented them from interfering because I am still strong. I am only exceedingly disgusted and nauseated and generally alarmed. Not to mention covered with blood. Under my clothes, where people can't see. I don't want to be like this. I want to be OK. I want to be clearheaded.

I started drinking in 1990. I did not drink very frequently - but when I drank, I drank a *lot*. I went until I lost consciousness. By 1992 I was starting to go crazy from it. I think the alcohol contributed towards my first serious psychotic break. In 1992 I became totally unhinged. I started to believe that people were plotting to destroy my life and in turn I plotted to kill them. I became easily enraged. I became extremely angry at people I passed on the street, and at my roommates in the dorm, and so on. Once after a discussion with 'friends' of mine I became so angry that I attacked the door of my room with a knife. In the process I cut my hand. It bled, a lot. I loved the sight of my own blood. I went and splattered blood all over the washroom and then I went into my room and painted the words 'Death' and 'Kill' in huge letters, in my own blood, against the walls. I left them there for many days, and visitors to my room saw them, and I gleefully explained to them what I did. A few days after that I tried to kill myself by drinking or otherwise ingesting every bit of medication that I had with me in the room. I had a *lot*. I was a seriously unwell person ... every few weeks I got a sinus infection, and I also had problems with asthma. I inhaled an *entire* inhaler of asthma medication, which could have destroyed my heart ... I took all other medicines I had, including painkillers, anti-histamines and a s**tload more. I climbed in bed and passed out. I awoke the next morning feeling really bad. I asked a friend to take me to the doctor, and the doctor sent me to hospital. There I stayed for some days, fighting for my life. I had enough poison in me to kill 14 people. It was rather a miracle that I survived.

It took several months more before my body had fully recovered from the poison.

Since then I've been totally alcohol and drug-free. I don't even use caffeine.

I've read a lot about drugs since then. Not much of what I read has sounded at all good to me. I just triggered myself again.

Okay, I couldn't get to a knife so I used a nail clipper this time. Not very satisfactory. I am fed up and p**sed off.

This world is f**ked-up. I don't wanna be here.

I'm going to go offline now and see how long it takes before I can think straight again.

Look, Tony, I don't think I'll ever be able to speak to you again. My health, my sanity, possibly my life is at stake. You're an OK guy ... I just can't. I just wanna be OK and I'm very far from OK right now.

Willie that's not good! Please I hope you're feeling better! Please tell me you are!

x x F (ZI)

Please! Willie, let me know you're OK!

Tony, I can't answer for him, but I read some of what was being written on a different forum not too far from here (the one that must remain unnamed) and I can see too many reasons for such a reaction.

oh dear.

I didn't mean to do anything; I was just answering Rob's question. I shouldn't have been so... um... detailed.

Willem, I'm very very sorry. I didn't know.

Please talk to someone who can help you, and don't hurt yourself anymore.

Fenny... uh... email me? gtjacobs at hotmail dot com. Can we please talk?

Willem, Peta here.

I hope you're okay. Ifyou're reading this you've logged on again. Listen, you told me the other day how everyone is here for you now, especially your parents, and the doc who lives just over the back fence from you. Make sure you talk to them now! They're the best people to help you. If you're still feeling bad please find them and tell them! They will try to help you to feel better!

I want to see some more of your wonderful art, you're such a talented person. Please take care of yourself, you can contribute so much. Talk to the important people in your real life. And try to get involved in your art Willem, it's a wonderful thing!

Please take care, xx Peta

Fenny, just wanted to let you know that I got an email from Willem, just a few minutes ago. He's feeling better, he said. I know you're worried and would want to know that. He talked to his parents, and he's calming down.

I'm still a little shaken. I didn't mean to do anything wrong.

Peta, thanks for dropping by. You'll probably also be glad to hear that he's feeling better.

Fenny please still get in touch, somehow (here, my page, somewhere else, email, whatever). I'd like to talk to you.

GTB/Tony

Tony - I just came back! I was busy today, so I only sent a quick mail, which I mailed after your first message, to the hotmail you gave. I received two, with roughly the same content as you.

Willie! You mustn't block Val and Viv. They're looking for the best for you. They're trying to look after you! You must let them stop you when you're not OK. I'm so glad you were when we last heard from you. Please let us know you are still OK!

x x Fenny (still hoping for Peace and Love and Zero Intolerance for all)

Tony - I just read in more detail.

You DIDN'T do anything wrong! Please don't blame yourself. After I saw that note, I took a deeper look into things, and read perhaps too much detail. It was by no means *only* and probably *not at all* your fault, so don't think it was.

There has been a lot going on outside the net, that I don't know about. And some that I do. And not all of it's pretty!

So please don't worry.

Anyway, gotta go...

x x F (ZI)

Thanks Tony

I'm pleased to hear that he's with his parents, and that he's feeling better.

Hello all! I'm still OK. I talked to my parents and saw my psychologist too. Tony, I sent you another email. Fenny, I'll send you another, too. Peta, I imagine one of your faithful team of moderators alerted you! Anyways, thanks for your thoughts. Don't worry - I do indeed have help and I am making use of it. Getting better, really.

Hi Willem!

I'm really pleased to hear you are feeling better. Yeah, you're right, you sent them into a bit of a panic in the night! Apart from being the people they're there to help alert us of any difficulties; they were worried about you!

I'm glad to here that you're feeling much better now.

Right - like I said, I'm still rather rattled, but my head is starting to work again.

Sorry for any alarm I caused. I really really was ultra-freaked-out. Just remember everybody, I am in a fairly safe place right now - I'm taken good care of.

Tony - to get this forum back on track I am reposting Vivienne's reply so that if you want you can reply to it:

Hello Tony, it's a pleasure to meet you! Valerie told you a bit of our world - there's much that I can add, but will not for now. I would just like to tell you what I think of 'your' world (not to mention that it's also the world of six billion other people!)
I think you will be able to understand it when I say this: being in your world, coming from mine, must feel very similar to being in Kenya, coming from America! There is the feeling of being in a strange place - all the time I'm feeling strangely uncomfortable, very self-conscious. I don't quite understand what everybody around me is saying and doing - it's all very unfamiliar. I feel like an outsider, and consequently rather insecure. This makes it all the more thrilling though when I manage to establish personal contact and understanding with someone else here.
As perhaps with you in Kenya, there is also much here that I find shocking and dismaying. I am very concerned at the levels of misery, deprivation and ignorance that I see all around me. If you consider what Valerie told you, you can imagine the difference in general well-being between our world and yours. In our world there is not a *single* malnourished person, not a *single* person without an elaborate home to live in and a good, warm, safe, sheltered place to sleep in every night. So it hits me very hard indeed when I come here and see in what dismal circumstances virtually *all* the people here live. It also hurts me bad to see the condition of the landscape, the living environment - how bare and how damaged it is. It is as if the earth is covered with scars and raw wounds ... because I feel very intimately connected to the earth, I feel as if my own body has been injured, I feel the earth's pain. If you know about my own history you might be able to better appreciate my empathy.
However, I also see that there is still beauty here. I haven't been to many places, but I know about the places Willem has been to, and many of them are still breathtakingly beautiful, despite everything. I now treasure them the more. I am also incredibly amazed to see how many creatures still manage to face the destructive dangers and to keep clinging on to life ... I never would have guessed that they could be so hard hit and still recover! I am very amazed too to see how people remain human and overcome their problems even in the worst circumstances. I wouldn't have believed it possible if I haven't seen it with my own (well, actually, my own *through* those of Willem) eyes. I want to talk about LeKZ - I wouldn't have believed it possible that anyone could go through what they went through and still come out OK afterwards ... with ethics and a degree of positivity and functionality intact! I've seen other 'miracle stories' too. I am now more impressed and respectful of human potential and ability than ever before ... and I already was more respectful and impressed than almost anyone of your world, before I came here, based on my experiences in mine. I know more about you than you know about yourself ... I know how well you are doing, compared to what you're going up against, compared to what we are doing whith what we have!
There is much of your world that I still don't understand, that I can't really appreciate. I have difficulty understanding some of your humour, your television programs and movies in general, and definitely your advertisements, and much of the general attitudes of people. Much of what you people do seem to me to be flat out dead *wrong*. I can fill many sets of encyclopedias with criticisms ... but there are those things too that I have learned to appreciate. I really like much of your world's music! It's not like our music ... it is simpler, and there's a 'tackiness' about just about all of it ... but still, I like it - and Valerie does too! We, together with Brigitte, have a band and in some virtual worlds we have performed 'cover' versions of many of your songs, and have also written, and will write and perform, many of our own songs influenced by the styles of your world's music!
Okay. I may say a bit more later! Thank you for having given me this opportunity though!

Love, and Blessings,

Vivienne

Vivienne, hi! Sorry I've been so long replying. Just now, I don't have much time, but this one question has been tickling the back of my brain:

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Cool! Do specify! There must be some particular styles/musicians/ditties for which you have a particular fondness; which ones?

I'm very interested in music and its psychological properties. I mostly like weird experimental rock music that you may've not heard of - I don't think my favorite bands are very well known outside the States, except maybe Sonic Youth.

I enjoy listening to Jazz and Classical music, but I can't really wrap my head around it. I could listen to the same piece a hundred times and still not recognize it, I think. I think I use lyrics as a sort of anchor, or something.



Oh, also, what is your world's music like? Is it remotely comparable to anything I would have heard here?

Gotta run,

love,

Tony

Hello Tony! I was waiting for when you'd speak again! Valerie and Vivienne are both extremely angry at me for what I did! But we're working things out over here ... here's Viv.

Hello Tony! Let me just look at what I said last time ... so much has happened since then ... Alright! We were getting into some interesting matters! You ask about music - well, Valerie is the *big* music lover, and expert, and she will have some totally different things to say to you, but as for me: of your world I've of course only heard music that Willem has heard, which happens to also be the weirder and more experimental, original kind ... but in his case, mainly originating from Britain, but also some from America and other places. I have here beside me a stack of compact disks ... let me tell you what I like. On top is 'Jagged Little Pill' by Alanis Morissette. You know what? I'm going to slip it into the CD player right now! Aarrgghh! Somebody - must be Willem's father - put a different CD in here, but the box is not in sight! Now I have to put it in the 'Jagged Little Pill' box - I hate doing that - it's so disorderly! Anyways, here goes ... first song is 'All I Really Want'. The speakers are too small! This song needs to be played at an extremely loud volume. Great guitar and drums. Alanis has a voice that sometimes gets whiny, but on this song it sounds ... how can I put it ... confident, a bit brash in a nice way ... it meshes well with the droning sound of the guitars. All in all I really like the drone-sound here, it is similar to those deep droning voice exercises done by the followers of some eastern religions in your world, which is done by many people in my world as well (except that in the song the sound repeatedly rises and drops through three steps instead of maintaining a single tone - but this I also like), which also ties in with the subject matter of the song. The lyrics are excellent - transcendental, read them online if you don't know them! Okay, I'm posting this before I discuss the next song.