Journal Entries
Emotions
Posted Oct 27, 2001
This is a short paper I typed up on my computer in early September (9/6/01, if you want to be precise). It was part of a school project, a part that I never turned in, just replaced with more words. I've been wanting to write another journal entry for a while, but I couldn't think of a topic--too many conflicting emotions about things. That brought to mind this piece.
Another topic I was toying with for a journal entry was that nobody in my life really seemed to understand me. (I guess that's true for all of us, but that doesn't make it any less true.) Maybe this entry will give people more of an idea as to who I really am. I hope it does.
Re-reading it, it would seem that I was sort of depressed at the time I wrote it. Maybe I was. We'll see what you think.
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I do not really know who I am. I have no one to compare myself to, no one whose thoughts and emotions I have experienced and can contrast with my own. I can only write who I think I am and hope that this is the truth.
I am Wes. I am a collection of cells and electrical impulses, no greater or less than the sum of my parts. I have no purpose in life save that which I give myself.
I have emotions, though. They are impulses, but emotions nonetheless. They are fear, anger, joy, longing, jealousy and others. Some emotions other humans experience but I cannot be sure that I do as well. Like love. I cannot be certain that I love anyone or anything.
If you ask me, "Do you love your parents?" I will answer with a "yes". I give the emotion of love the benefit of the doubt, but still the doubt is there. I do not have a strong loving attachment to my parents. Instead of a warm, fuzzy glow there is a detachment in my heart. I view everything coldly, like a tree. There is no glowing tie to my parents and I, but I still feel bound. Somehow, I am attached to everyone I know. Is it love? I have no warm fuzzy glow to compare my emotions to. Perhaps a cold detachment really is love.
Sorrow is the same way. I can rarely bring my feelings beyond the point of "That's too bad." I know that I should care, but somehow I don't. Sorrow and love are my absent dreams.
There are times when I feel happy. When I work on a project that intrigues me or I read a book that captivates me or I play a game that interests me, I feel joy. I am bound up in the moment, not thinking of anything else but the thought of the project, book or game. Disappointment I feel as well. The opposite of joy: the knowledge of a failed test question or a losing game. This is a sinking feeling in my chest, like a long, shallow bowl that collects my thoughts until they overflow and the bowl disappears.
Anger. I feel angry at times, more like a deep frustration than rage. I feel frustrated when I work with people who refuse to understand concepts I try to teach them or when I cannot do a thing I strive to do. Anger is a hot pressure that does not deepen the bowl of depression but somehow makes it more empty.
Discuss this Journal entry [6]
Latest reply: Oct 27, 2001
School boredom--math
Posted Oct 10, 2001
Hi, my name is Wes, and I'm bored.
"Hi, Wes!"
I identify with all you bored people out there, those that are bored in school. Not bored because you hate school, but bored because you love to learn and the slow pace is bogging you down.
Most of my classes are fine, but it's math class for me that's the worse. I'm supposedly in an advanced class, but I am obviously way beyond the level of the rest of the students. The rest of the class calls our math teacher "Light-speed Upton" because she introduces new material (which should be review for these kids) at a fast speed. I should call her Upton Gastropoda! Her class is the slowest one I have ever been in.
Right now, I'm trying to start work with independent studies. It's hard, because Ol' Gastro won't let me do it on my school time. So I'm reduced to speeding through homework and playing calculator games or reading in class. It's really a waste of learning potential.
I didn't mean to sound whiny when I wrote this journal, and I hope you don't get that impression of me. It's just that I wish I could learn, not sleep.
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Oct 10, 2001
This is my first journal entry
Posted Aug 13, 2001
I just wanted to get rid of the help text. Hi!
(I just finished my initial introduction, if anyone cares....)
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 13, 2001
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