h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

In answer to your tagline.

I know I made a perceived unkind comment to Iago about that awhile ago, which I apologised for. I hope you can accept my apology.

You know, if you showed a bit more of this vulnerability at times people might warm to you a bit more. Instead of always coming across as being on the defensive. D, nobody *wants* to dislike you, and I doubt most people do. But you do make it hard for people sometimes, when you take things too personally and then lash out. Because then you put them on the defensive too. Vicious circle, doncha think?

Well, just to say that I've been in love before with someone who could never love me back (for lots of personal reasons) and yeah, it hurts big time.

Meanwhile, you should never feel your love was misplaced or that you are in any way 'silly' for feeling like you do. Sometimes we just meet the right people at the wrong times, you know?

Cold comfort perhaps, but if you can still enjoy all the things you love about this person . . . without it feeling like a personal slight when he cannot return your affections. Especially because you know *why* he can't. And I don't think you'd respect him if he did, all things considered.

More importantly, what can you do to make this situation better for you? Because, no, you cannot stop how your heart feels.

You were brave enough to continue loving someone even though you knew it could not be returned. That takes a lot of *stuff*. It may or not be possible to continue having a friendship with this guy, but you might want to give it a chance. Just take a lot of deep breaths and be who you are with him. I'm quite sure he likes you or you would never have fallen in love with him. But as he is in love with someone else, that makes it impossible for you to be anything but friends.

Would being friends with him be okay?



az

Hello, azahar...

You're perfectly right, of course - I wouldn't respect him if he could/did return my feelings, and I *know* 100% that nothing can come of it. I am starting to accept that friendship is the most I can have - and it will be all right, if that's all I can have... Not good, but all right.

Yesterday, I actually realised that I have been stuck on seeing things from my point of view, not his. That had led to a massive misunderstanding, and I texted him about it, and now I think that the hostility that had crept in on both sides because of that misunderstanding, can just sneak away again! I am supposed to see him tomorrow, and I have thought of nothing else for 24 hours...

I found a quote from George MacDonald, in a novel called Phantastes (written 1857!) It covers this situation perfectly...

"I knew now, that it is by loving and not by being loved, that one can come nearest the soul of another, yea, that where two love, it is the loving of each other and not the being beloved of each other,that originates and perfects and assures their blessedness".

I think that's wonderful, and it's towards the end of the weirdest novel I have ever read.

<>

Realising that is a strong thing and often very hard to do. As always, communication is the key. All misunderstandings can usually be remedied by keeping the lines of communication open.

<>

Down girl! I think the best thing to try and do is not let yourself fall into these love/lust feelings about someone you know is unavailable. To not indulge. Yes, easier said than done. The main concern being that you'll possibly end up with feelings of disappointment and/or rejection, even though your *head* knows better. Which then confuses things.

Interesting quote. But I think most of us want to be loved back when we choose to love someone.

With time I can see this situation turning into a healthy like/like friendship. Love/like situations always seem a bit imbalanced. Unbalanced?

Anyhow, hope your meeting with him went well.


az

The meeting went very well indeed! For once, he wasn't 20 minutes late, but was actually there before me (we meet at his office at 7.00 am or 10.00 on Saturdays, for English lessons.) A really good thing, is that his boss and cousin, and another worker there, were in (which was why he wasn't 20 minutes late) and having Maurizio and Nikolai there seemed to take a lot of pressure off. Also, because of the clearing up of the misunderstanding (somehow he'd got the idea that I didn't want to see him, but was forcing myself to do it out of a sense of duty!) meant that the whole 'vibe' was much more friendly.

I kept telling myself (especially when he was flirtatious, and he often is) that no good can come of it, that nothing can come of it) and that did help! For some reason though, he seemed even more attractive than usual - (on my urging back in January, he quit shaving his head and now has a head of lovely auburn curls)especially in contrast to the unpleasant and unattractive Maurizio...

Well, glad the meeting went well . . . but really, what do you truly want or expect from this person?

It's totally fine if you can see him as a casual lust/love object to while away some fantasy hours . . . much more serious for you if you start seeing his actions as pertaining to you and somehow hurtful.

I mean, you *know* he is engaged to someone else. So why even go with the fantasy thing?

So, okay, maybe he flirts a bit. Lots of men do this - doesn't mean a darned thing. Sure it can be an ego boost to have a man flirt with you - but take it as a simple ego boost. As in, if this guy likes you enough to flirt with you then it isn't too far fetched to think others might - others who aren't otherwise committed.

Honestly, I've gone years without a man even looking at me with any sort of interest - and I know it's really hard on one's self-esteem. I start to wonder if I'm too 'this or that' or maybe 'too fat' to be loved. Whatever.

You may not think this about me, but I'm actually terribly insecure and have a lot of problems that stem from this. In this sense perhaps we are not all that different.

Well, all I can say is just be true to yourself when you meet up with this guy. Remember who you are. And figure out - for you - how to change lust to like . . . you know there is no other option.

Good luck honey

az

I too, am very insecure, especially where it comes to men..

I know full well, I have to change the way I see him, and very quickly! I am working on it, believe me... and I am being not entirely unsuccessful!

Which is - I know it'll take a while, but I;ll get there...