h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*cynthesis returns*

How's my brave guard dog?

*she unplugs Hade's tail from the wall socket*

Oooh what bright eyes you have now!
D'ya know I wish you would sink those deadly teeth into the neck of whatever it is that's plaguing CYBERHUMAN's computer...

*Hade growls ominously and his metallic ears flatten*

No! Oh, Hade! I was just speaking rhetoricallyfigurativelyoh...not seriously!

*strokes his sleek titanium back*

Never mind, lad. I forget that you tend to take me literally!
I'll be back soon. Just guard this thread for now. That's a good boy.

*cynthesis departs with firm close of the door.*

*CYBERHUMAN enters the room and Hade immediately barks happily like a dog that is pleased to see a familiar face and runs over to CYBERHUMAN, rubbing himself all around the cyborg's legs affectionately, his tail wagging furiously in his contentment. CYBERHUMAN bends down and strokes Hade behind the ears, saying cheerfully*

Hello Hade! How are you my boy? Yes, I know you're pleased to see me. But you've got to learn that Cynthesis is now your mistress and you should show her as much love and affection and respect as you are showing to me now! Oh, and don't take everything she says quite so literally in future, especially when she tells you not to take it literally, OK? I mean if she tells you to go and rip the postman's face off, which I doubt she ever will...

*Hade growls fiercely. CYBERHUMAN raises his voice*

Hade! That is precisely what I'm talking about!

*Hade hangs his head meekly. CYBERHUMAN softens his voice*

Don't take everything so literally my good boy. You understand?

*Hade nods his head as though he understands. His tail droops slightly*

Good boy. Sleep now. Sleep... Sleep...

*Hade gets all excited and yelps like an excited puppy. CYBERHUMAN understands instantly*

You want the Venusian lullaby you love so much? OK then...

*sings softly*

Cloklida paar denn meningkletch aaroon aaroon aaroon
Cloklida sheen algerinach aaroon aaroon aaroon
Aaroon aaroon aaroon aaroon
Aaroon aaroon aaroon
Aaroon aaroon aaroon
Aaroon aaroon aaroon
aaroon aaroon aaroon...

*Hade curls up on the floor and gradually drifts off to sleep, growling softly as he dreams of catching the postman and ripping his face off. CYBERHUMAN stands and quietly leaves the room*

*cynthesis and Hade take a break from dancing the Electric Slide*

I must say that you are amazingly coordinated for a four legged cyborg critter! I had enough problems learning that with my two feet. I can't imagine doing that with an extra two and a tail, too!

*She switches off the portable disco ball light and sits on the floor next to Hade*

Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmmmm
I suppose I should start thinking about heading out and preparing some lunch...Hmmmm?

*Hade nudges her gently with his nose*

What is it Hade? Hmmmm?

*Hade nudges her again and cocks his pointed head as his tail swishes on the ground.*

Hmmmm. I was just humming. I do that quite a lot because of what I do for a living. And I have a feeling you probably need to be introduced to the high pitches that I use in a gradual manner!
It's okay, I even scare myself with the sounds that come out of my mouth sometimes.
music can be so strange but beautiful once you get used to it.

*She drapes her arm over his metallic shoulders and gives him a squeeze*

I know!Let's try out the Yoda Chant on you!We'll see how you like that!

*cynthesis takes a deep diaphragmatic breath and intones...*

Da din din da
Da din din da
Na tin tin na
Da din din da

Da din din da
Da din din da
Na tin tin na
Da din din da

Dit dit da
Terrigada dit na giggi tee ta cut
Teeta guddygayna da
Terrigada dit na giggi tee ta cut
Teeta guddygayna da
Terrigada dit na giggi tee ta cut
Teeta guddygayna da

*cynthesis sees that Hade is strangely lulled by this song and has lain down with his head in her lap*

Da din din da
Da din din da
Na tin tin na
Da din din da

Boom shakala kalaka
Boom shakala kalaka
Nyaaaaaaaaaa-ahh boom

Homina
Homina
Homina homina homina

Ba ba oom mow mow
Ba ba oom mow ma mow
Ba ba oom mow mow
Ba ba oom mow ma mow

Mmmmmmmmmm doggie...

*giggles*Why, he's off to dreamland!

*she gently lifts his head from her lap and shifts it to rest on the ground*

I wonder if it was the Electric Slide dance lesson or the Yoda Chant that did it?...Hmmmmmmmmm.

*slips quietly out of the thread after closing the door.*

*CYBERHUMAN enters the room and Hade immediately gets up and runs over to him, yapping excitedly as he rubs himself affectionately around CYBERHUMAN's legs. The cyborg warrior bends down and rubs Hade's head lovingly, saying in a hushed tone*

Hello my good boy. Oh who's a marvellous little dog! *tickles Hade's tummy as the dog rolls over and growls playfully* Now I'm not going to be around for a while, so I want to take especially good care of my good friend Cynthesis while I'm gone, do you think you can do that for me? *Hade nods* Good boy. I don't want any harm or suffering to come to her, do you understand? *Hade growls fiercely* Do you understand? No harm or suffering... *CYBERHUMAN's eyes stare deeply into Hade's own* Do you understand? Do you? *Hade nods again and growls with mock anger* There's a good boy. Now all your defense and protection technology is working? *Hade nods* Good. Take care of Cynthesis for me OK? *Hade growls and raises his left paw in a surprisingly accurate wave of goodbye* Goodbye my boy! I'll see you soon! Bye for now!

*CYBERHUMAN stands and quietly leaves the room for the last time in who knows how long. Hade sits behind the closed door and howls mournfully following CYBERHUMAN's departure*

*cynthesis rushes in to see check on the the wild howls emanating from this thread*

Hade? Oh Hade! What's wrong my darling boy?There, there...I guess you're only doing what comes natural to you.*wipes a tear away from her eyes and bends down to hug the cyborg canine*

We're both going to miss him, aren't we?
But we're going to carry on here as he would want us to, right?
And when he comes back we'll give him no reason to be disappointed.
*Hade nods his head as cynthesis kisses his cheek*
That's a good boy! See, he made sure we had one another before he left.
As usual he's thought of everything! And that's why we love him so!
It's okay to feel sad but he said he'd return!
And hasn't he always been true to his word?
*Hade's tail wags in a hopeful manner as his eyes blink intermittently*
That's more like it!
Well let's get you recharged and I'll sing you a lullaby...
something by Nickelback that I think you'll like!

*cynthesis plugs Hade in to recharge and gets set to lull him to sleep...*

*cynthesis bursts onto the room when she hears Hade's fratic barking*

What is it Hade, boy?

*Hade paces back and forth in front of the door*

Calm down, Hade!

*puzzled, cynthesis, drops down to her knees and hugs the whimpering cyborg dog*

Okay, I'll stay here until you settle...

*cynthesis hums a soothing lullaby...*

*CYBERHUMAN suddenly appears and Hade goes absolutely wild with excitement, rushing over with his tail wagging and rubbing his head around CYBERHUMAN's legs. CYBERHUMAN bends down and tickles Hade behind the ears, watching as the dog growls with contentment*

Hello Cynthesis! You have a new message in the Unrestrained, Still Struggling thread!

*cynthesis enters the thread to see Hade at the door wagging his tail contentedly*

CYBERHUMAN must have come by to see you, Hade! I know how much you missed him while he was on his mission. I'm happy that he's back, too.

*she smiles and stoops down to hug the cybernetic pooch*

All that excitement of seeing him has run down your energy!
Time for a recharge, sweet lad! That's right, just back up over here...

*A comforting whirring sound drones through the thread*

I'll be back before you know it.

*cynthesis kisses the top of Hade's head before gently opening and shutting the door *

*CYBERHUMAN appears in the room*

Hello my dear Cynthesis! You have a message in the "Unrestrained, Still Struggling" thread!

*Disappears abruptly*

*pops her head into the thread and Hade rushes forward to affectionately nudge her knees with his metallic nose*

Hade! That tickles!

*she hugs her cybernetic canine friend*

I'd better get to that other thread right now! Be a good boy and I'll be back to sing you a lullabye soon!

*she leaves swiftly while Hade obediently stands guard*

Hello Cynthesis! You have a new message for you in the "Unrestrained, Still Struggling" thread!

*playfully wrestles with Hade*

That message must have been sent waaaaayyy down the conversation list!

*disentangles herself from the metallic dog and hurries over to the other thread*

Hello Cynthesis!

You have another message waiting for you in the "Unrestrained, Still Struggling" thread!

*after singing a lullabye to Hade and making sure the cybernetic canine was fully recharging, cynthesis turns off the the light and quietly shuts the door after her...*

Heeeellllloooooooo Cynthesis! There's a very long message waiting for you in the "Unrestrained, Still Struggling" thread!

Hooray!!!!!

You didn't reply.

Some relatives wouldn't take no for an answer and kidnapped me for dinner!

And they're still here and waiting to drag me away again!!!

I'll reply just as soon as they let me go, okay?

Again,

Thanks for replying to my message.

*CYBERHUMAN suddenly materialises in the centre of the room. Hade and Jek immediately stir from their sleeping position in the corner of the room and with a strange electronic howl from Hade and an electronic barking from Jek, they run over to him and rub themselves all around him. CYBERHUMAN bends down and pats them lovingly, then says*

Just to let you know Cynthesis you have a message in your 'Unrestrained, Still Struggling' thread. Do please read it and reply. Thank you.

Oh by the way, I have some free upgrades that I picked up from the planet Alpha Centauri for both Hade and Jek. They love dogs on Alpha Centauri and some of the finest cybernetic canine friends in the universe have been manufactured on that planet. You could say they're all barking mad on Alpha Centauri. Yes, hmmm, well... my er, sense of humour microchip needs an upgrade too.

Um, the upgrade may take a while to install, but don't worry, it's completely pain-free and Hade and Jek will be much better for it. These Alpha Centaurians have been manufacturing such cybernetic dogs since before you humans invented the wheel. So, why don't you pop off for half an hour and read my message while I install the upgrades. How does that sound? Good. Thought you'd agree.

Come on my beauties, I've got some upgrades for you...

*Hade and Jek sit playfully as CYBERHUMAN begins installing the upgrades*