h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hiya BK, i think we've briefly spoken on the subject before. Yup; the demon drink. If you go to my PS, journal space, Eye thread, you will see what's going on.

In a nutshell, i am trying to quit, all alone, no RL support. Not easy I do not want to go into a clinic, i totally refuse to accept alternative meds to get me through, i will just end up dependent on them instead.

I'm on heart drugs (beta blockers) & am not daft, i know cold turkey method could kill me. So i am cutting down radically but realistically: if i get shaky, i have a drink. But only if. Found a subsitute non alcoholic drink which works nicely in daytime (Roses lime cordial & fizzy water) & a fortnight after deciding to go for it, today i had nothing all day ; the problem hits at night, i just can't sleep without a drink. What's the answer?

In a fortnight, i've managed to go from wine for breakfast & average 20 units per day, to around 6 today; all of those between midnight & now (7am)

I drink when i am bored, i drink when i am desperate to sleep, but scared to do so; i have massive sleep issues, always have had.

I feel proud of myself for having got this far totally on my own, whether i succeed or fail is down to me, no offloading on anybody else.

Any advice would be appreciated. Email may be better, i am at zendevil3ATwanadoo.fr

(ironic!)

zdt

, nice of you to drop by.

Having read your post, you have been doing well, and just for that you should pat yourself on the back.

But cutting down and stopping altogether are two completely different animals.

Stopping out right, is dangerous as you have mentioned and can really only be done safely through a rehab clinic, this can be done at home where a qualified nurse will visit you once a day for 7 days, but someone would need to be with you for the first 3 days, 24hrs per day.
This does has a very high sucess rate, it is something well worth thinking about.

Cutting down, as you say you are doing, is certainly a start in the right direction, as long as you stick to it, relapses can occur if you are having a particularly bad day and the cut down takes an about turn and you may end up drinking even more than you used to.

Your body craves alcohol, your brain needs it to stimulate you, without the stimulant, the nasty and frightening times happen, shakes, sweats etc, all of which i guess you have had.

There is no easy way to stop drinking, but the hardest two you have already done.

1. Admitting that you have a drink problem, as easy as it sounds, admitting it and believing it to yourself is bloody hard, soto you.

2. Speaking to someone about it and admitting to someone else you have a problem shows the biggest step of all, that you want help, and again to you.

The beta blockers, are they for a heart problem or are they to reduce anxiety?

20 units down to 6 units is a big step, but as you said it is down to you to keep at 6 units a day, i would have started at 10 units first and drop a unit every week until you get to 4 units per day, then start drinking every other day for at least 2-3 weeks, and see how that goes.

Do you want to stop totally?

You also need to find something to do, a hobby or like, find an interest in something that can take you mind off alcohol.

The sleeping issue is more than likely alcohol related, but that might ease once the alcohol consumption reduces, relaxation exercises can help about 1/2 hour before bed, reading a book, listening to the radio, but not a music station, listen to a chat show programme.

Sleeping tablets short term can help, but i avoided them, as like you, i was worried about becoming addicted to them, there is a tablet called Nitol, that you can buy from the chemist, that i thought was quite good, but that really goes back to your beta blocker tablets and whether you take them for a heart related problem.

You need to make a diary of the units you take each day, write it down and keep a record of your progress.

Have you visited your doctors to discuss this with them at all?, if not then maybe a visit would be good, theres no harm in it.

If you want to e-mail me, i'm at

[email protected]

How is today going so far?

Chat soon

Hiya, thanks for replying; i bet once you "come out" as a booze counsellor, you get plagued!

The beta blockers are because my heart goes into overdrive when i get anxious & thus i get massive palpitations, which make me more anxious, which...you know the syndrome. I've had all the tests, nowt actually wrong with my heart, except the poor thing is overworked, so beta blockers give it a bit of a break. I still get all the other "panic attack" type stuff, but at least am less likely to think imminent heart attack is one of the main problems.

Ideally, giving up completely would be the aim, but for now i'm content with reducing to a level where i control it, not it controls me.

I have been keeping a very honest record of what i've been consuming.

Today may be a baddie 'cos it's my birthday & the only company i am likely to have is that of Viking, who is ... oh jeez, how to explain. I reckon he is 99% clasified as my ex. He is a major part of the problem; not that i am dumping MY lack of strength on him, just realistically, i have tried to take on his massive psychological/emotional stuff, which manifests in intense depression & anti-social (NOT violent, just hiding from the world) behaviour for the last 21 months, can't carry on like this. I have certainly masked my frustration in being unable to help him by drinking more. He depresses me beyond belief. He doesn't have a drink problem by the way & promised to be supportive if i cut down/quit; but disappeared sharpish when i took him up on this.

The sleeping thing is the main problem & it's not simply booze related, it's been with me all my life & is unlikely to go away in a hurry. No way on earth would i take sleeping pills; i would end up tomorrows headline news & i do not need another addiction.

My doc here is utterly unsympathetic, not to say almost criminally negligent; i asked if there was any help available & he actually laughed & said "It's up to you, all you need is willpower. Or you admit total defeat & i book you into a psychiatric unit"

One thing that has cheered me up is that i can now actually eat something without having to have a drink with it/straight after. Before, this was impossible, i would get massive wobblies, so of course simply avoided eating, i suspect there's some sort of blood sugar thing involved here. I'm finding now i can eat little & often, sticking to soup mainly, liquid vitamins!

I don't honestly think i could stand the idea of some strange French person staying here 24h a day for 3 days, the strain of that would be enough to have me scuttling for a secret tipple! Are they there to make sure you stick to it or catch you if you collapse with DT's/heart failure/run amok or what?*imagines Very Stern Nurse armed with hypodermic dart gun*

I'm on 6 again today. Tomorrow (today in fact) will be a killer, birthday & the Bloody Depressive Ex (?) isn't going to be easy.

I'll email you, just to check address is OK initially. i'll mention hootoo so you know it isn't spam!



zdt

I used to take beta blockers for panic attacks, Inderal LA i think they were called, but then again i have taken so many different anxiety and panic tabs over the years that i have lost track, it was through the anxiety and panic attacks that i started drinking in the first place, it worked a lot quicker than tabs and tasted nice, so i thought i will drink instead, in the bin went the tabs and off to the off licence i went

Even now when i think about the amount i used to drink a day, i am surprised that i am still here

The "" give you drinking guides for the amount of units per week the safe limit is, for a man is about 28, i was on double that per day

For my home detox my wife stayed in for the first 3 days, just keeping an eye on me and the nurse visited everyday for about 15 minutes, taking blood pressure, breath test and just asking how it was going, it really was quite comfy and relaxed, but the tablets they give certainly did help.

People experience many things in their lives, but the greatest feeling i ever felt and you will to, is waking up with no shakes, sweats, panics and a euphoria buzz that gives you "there is more to life" feeling, believe you me there is nothing like it.

Your doc should be shot, you seriously need to see another doc, who will open their ear to you.

If you believe in yourself to do it then no one can help you any further apart from support and praise you for trying and dealing with it, not everyone does need further help and each day will get easier.

If you want that person who you can chat your troubles to, help deal with the drink, discuss anything without feeling awkward or embarrassed, as i know it can be with docs or people you know, then i can be that person if you want, i dont know you, you dont know me, so it could be easier for you to open up more to help your drinking.

We are probably never likely to meet, so typed words like this to help you maybe all you need and you wouldnt want to let me down now you are doing so well already, would you

Good luck with the birthday and ex thingy, if you have a little over, dont feel you have let yourself down at all, you are doing well so one day off wont hurt.

I am please about the more food you are eating also, mine was always a liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner without any food at all for days sometimes, just alcohol, little and often is excellent.

Have you had a blood test yet, to check the current position of your liver, i would recommend it, knowing the results, as with mine being cirrhosis, gave me the extra push i needed to quit the booze.

Anyroad, hope you have a good day today and will chat soon

Ooops, i forgot....

Sorry about your sleeping pattern, that sounds like a major bind as you have had this for so long

What have you been advised on that

Hiya BK, yes, it would be lovely if you could be my "online" counsellor/whatever. I think probably most of it should go on here 'cos you never know, it may help someone else in the future.

The only thing i don't really go for is the "You wouldn't let me down" thing though; i am a cantankerous old sod & having grown up with various forms of emotional blackmail/guilt trip stuff; i just can't & won't do it.

The sleep thing: It's extremely complicated. Apparently right from when i was born i was one of those horrendous difficult babies who refused to sleep more than an hour or so at night, took many naps in the day (usually at inconvenient times) & howled for much of the rest of the time.When i wasn't Not Sleeping i was Not Eating, refused milk, meat & fish, only liked vegetables. I'm surprised i lived to become a toddler. I think my father kept my mother from actually murdering me, but he died when i was 3 so after that it was just me & a psycopathic schizophrenic mother who hated me. I won't go into her vast repertoire of torments, except for this one, which may well be relevant.

She had a heart condition. She insisted i sleep with her & put my hand on her heart & stay awake to make sure it kept beating "If i die, it will be your fault & they will lock you up in an orphanage & you will go to Hell"

Plus i was uncomfortable anyway,my hair was bound up tightly in rags to try & make it curl. So i used to wait till she started snoring & get my torch out & read all night, occasionally checking the old bats heart if she stopped snoring.

I must have been permanently tired, but don't remember it being a major problem; i had various secret dens i hid in when she was attacking me, so i would quite happily curl up inside a bush or somewhere & nap there, nice & safe.

These days obviously i don't have to worry about mad mama thank gawd! But i suppose the habit has stuck. I'm actually scared to go to sleep. I get a most unpleasant sensation sometimes, just as i am dropping off; feels like i am having a heart attack or choking, i don't know, just that i am convinced i am dying & wake in a massive panic. That usually triggers the legs off.

The legs, the bloody legs. I've always had "restles leg syndrome" ie they twitch & kick around. But now i've got Polyneuritis, it's much worse, the twitch becomes a spasm; the spasm becomes cramp & no choice but to get up & walk around. I am probably tired as hell; but prevented from sleep unless somehow i can pass out instantly. Hence the magic solution & i'm afraid there is no denying, it works.

I have tried to mention the sleep thing to various docs; but either they don't take it seriously "oh, everyone gets insomnia at times, don't worry about it!" or they want to hurl heavy duty sleeping tabs at me. I'm not entirely dim; i know my Dead Rock Star history & booze & barbs = bye-bye quite often.

I very rarely go to bed before 3am, i can wake up next day any time from 6am to 2pm, quite often i will wake earlyish & persuade myself to stay in bed: it's cheaper! No heating, food, drink, cigarettes etc.If i do get up early i inevitably have an afternoon snooze (usually with aid of a drink) & sleep deeply for exactly two hours & wake feeling bright & perky. My ex doc, sensible chap, said "Don't let anyone tell you when to sleep, two hours of great sleep when YOU need it is worth more than a night tossing and turning 'cos society says "bedtime"!

The ex has been & gone (he's having sleep probs himself, typical depression pattern, waking at 5am) It went better than i had hoped. We were nice & civil to each other, he actually bought me a which is astonishing; he doesn't "do" presents; i am the only one he's bought Xmas or Birthday for in more than 2 years.

I had the collywobbles earlier though, thinking of worst case scenario; ie: a scene of some sort,sadly i had a couple of half glasses of wine, i had to go shopping, couldn't face it without Dutch courage. But i was OK when i got back, went back on lime & soda. I had bought a bottle of cheap, well, it *is* my birthday! In the event, he drank most of it. He is impressed with my chart, impressed i seem to be sticking to it & says my face looks a lot less puffy.

I may venture out later, there's a band on at the local bar. Don't worry, i never get drunk in public, this is a private hobby! At the very most i would have two halves of Quite apart from the expense, i don't like feeling out of control in public places, a drop to take the edge off, fine, but never drunk.

I'm on 3 so far (9.30pm)

Thanks for being there BK! It does help.

zdt

<<The only thing i don't really go for is the "You wouldn't let me down" thing though; i am a cantankerous old sod & having grown up with various forms of emotional blackmail/guilt trip stuff; i just can't & won't do it.>>

Ok, scratch that, having read the next part of your post re: your mother, the "You wouldn't let me down" quote from me is quite understandably very inapt. I wont put an order or demand in to you at all, i only really meant it tounge in cheek, as i would not expect you to feel guilty about anything we post together

Again re: your mother, OH MY GOD, i dont know what to say, damn what an upbringing you must have had.

That is a definate linkage to your sleeping problems, i think your mother has installed fear in you that sleep kills, and frightened you into not sleeping in case her heart stops and it would be all your fault.

Subconsciously you have brought that through all your years and never let go of the images and thoughts of those times when you were made to put your hand on her.

What would happen if your mother woke up and you were alseep, when you were supposed to be tending her, has also left a mark in your head. The thought of her dying and you being sent away, the thought of it all being your fault, yikes that is a lot for a child to take on board.

There is a mental scar in you that you cant dispose of, even to this day it is hidden somewhere and it comes up to bite you on the bum in the nastiest of ways that you are experiencing now.

The panicks, i believe, are driven from childhood, even though you probably cant see it, but they are there.

The uncertainty of what if she was right, can i take the chance.

I have to ask, but do you get that "why me" feeling ever?

There are too many sleeping tabs on the market and docs only prescribe them as a get lost tablet, without trying to route out the real problem.

Your body will tell you when to sleep and when to wake up, nobody should force their body to sleep via tabs, sleep is a natural thing so let it happen naturally.

It looks as though you have been doing well with the birthday thing, i am proud of you for that and you should be as well. Even your ex was impressed, people do care

What sort of music are you into, i find music can be very therapeutic and soothing even if it is heavy rock, but thats my taste

I could write more, but i have to see to an old lady we look after.

Bye for now

Hiya! I ended up on 8, which really isn't too bad for a birthday.

No, i never think "Why me?" i tend to think "Why *not* me?" I didn't deserve to be abused, but many folks have a whole lot worse stuff to cope with & it's made me a pretty tough cookie in some ways, in others of course, it's done some damage, mainly as you say, the anxiety stuff. I could never know from one moment to the next what was going to happen, she could be lovey dovey...waiting her chance, fave game was "come & give me a bit of love" bounce me on her knee then suddenly let me fall. If i flinched when she picked up the "beating stick" i "got one for flinching". You can't win with a psychomum, all you can do is develop survival techniques & stay very very alert. Anyway, that was a long time ago.

Oddly enough, if i am sleeping with someone who lets me cuddle up to them i get a marvellous feeling of relaxation, but haven't had that pleasure for ages. The ex, who may not be (sigh) has his own sleep demons & we stopped sleeping together months back. He is not the most cuddly guy on earth & it's torment for me to sleep next to him & not touch, so by mutual consent we gave it a break. I really couldn't define what the relationship is now, we hadn't seen each other for 3 weeks, then he visits on my birthday, we both kept it very low key, but probably he will visit again next weekend. Certainly i would rather be friends than enemies.

I did a classic sleep thing today; i must have gone to bed around 3am last night, woke up 9am, but said "no, stay in bed, go back to sleep" & did. Woke up again at 1pm, got up, pottered around, weather filthy grey & rainy. Had lots of juice, later some food & 1 beer & thought "sod this, i'm going back to bed" at 4pm. Slept deeply till 6.30, woke up feeling fine, phoned viking (the supposed ex)who has done the reverse sleep thing,he woke 5am & is just about to go back to sleep again; you can see why it's hard for us to be together...but on the other hand, we do both understand the syndrome, which most folks don't.

Music, ho ho ho! Don't get me started! I've been around musicians most of my adult life, i am heavily into music, but impossible to categorise it, i like everything from Clash to Curved Air. Not too well up on the latest stuff 'cos i rarely watch TV. I've got a very nice Fender Acoustic/electric bass; which i plunk away on when i'm in the mood, but i wouldn't dignify that with saying i "play bass"; i have no clue what notes i am playing, do it all by ear. My lovely friends off here often send me CD's or Minidiscs by post, thus improving my musical knowledge & also of course "showing they care"

I got an unexpected Happy Birthday email from an old mate of mine today, i've known him 35 years, though haven't actually seen him for around 30 years. A couple of years back he was very silly after a nasty divorce & ended up in nick for trying to smuggle herbals; i wrote to him there & we've kept up the contact, he's just got a job in South Africa & seems to be doing great. Nice message:

<<<Happy Birthday

And may your Dreams come true

Though for me there are much more beautiful women in the world than Claudia Schiffer

And much more handsome men than Brad Pitt

I enclose a few phone camera shots of where I am and some places around take good care Terri and love your liver and lungs and they will love you back. Lots of love Pete x ps your still a babby. 52 Hah a mere youth…

(The C.S/B.P reference is during a row with Viking he siad "Well, you're not Claudia Schiffer, but i don't mind" which is not the most tactful thing to say to any woman. So i retorted with "and you are not Brad Pitt & i DO mind! OUT! NOW! And Don't Come Back!")

So, yes, i do know people care, just a bloody shame none of them are actually here in RL, but there ya go, can't have it all.

I've had a wine & lemonade with supper, so i'm on 2 so far (10.30pm; but i will no doubt be up for hours having slept half the day)

zdt

It certainly has given you a stronger mind and made you positive inspite of the anxiety feeling, i take my hat off to you

Blimey, it sounds as though you had a good old kip then and what a nightmare relationship it would be with your ex, while ones awake the other sleeps.....hey that is the basis for an excellent relationship .

My music is old based also, i not really into the new rock bands that are on the market, i cant stand bands that think they are rockers and target an audience for teeny boppers

Did you have a nice birthday anyhow, i forget heres your , its not much, theres nothing inside it

Do you feel any different from cutting down on the drink at all? and do you feel good within yourself that you are keeping it up?

Cause to me it looks like you are doing excellently so far

Hiya!

Down to 5 yesterday, the lowest so far, though under no illusions this nice downward slope will necessarily continue without "blips".

I'm fine in the daytime 'cos i keep busy, it's at night, when bored & lonely i go for it.

Yes, i do feel a lot better, spent most of today wandering around the town, lovely sunny day, felt great. Met an old friend who invited me to join him in a bar; i did so, said i was cutting down though, so would only have one & had a beer, not a wine.

It does occur to me i may have broken the back of the major physical addiction, if i can go 8 hours & not be shaky; so now it's mainly the craving stuff. I have been shopping loads of times & not been tempted to sling a bottle of vod in, quite the opposite, i deliberately walk past & say "sod off!"

Did you see this?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5382172.stm

Before you nag (!!) no, i haven't had a recent blood test (other than the standard one before recent minor surgery, which was fine) When i was a really seriously heavy alcy, 5 years back; i had several, at one point my Gamma GT was 643; it's supposed to be less than 45!The Doc kept shaking his head & saying "you should be dead!" After a year of no booze it went down to 37. I had echo stuff & all that, no damage to pancreas, spleen etc.I don't have Hepatitis.I didn't have cirrhosis back then, just fatty liver. I would much rather hang on until i feel i've made some progress in cutting back before enduring this sort of thing. And why anyway? I know i'm damaging myself, i know i'm trying to do the only thing that will help. I don't need a lecture from Doc, i don't need to work myself into total panic about the test (i am utterly phobic about needles)& if there's anything nasty, i am not going in for further tests. For starters, i can't afford it, no medical insurance.

Yes, i do feel good about myself for cutting down so dramatically. As i said to you, it may not be the recommended way, but it seems to work for me. I'm not going to cheat about how much i am drinking, what the hell would be the point in lying to myself? I *am* telling RL people i am cutting back with a view to quitting, mostly they just say "great; good for you" it's not a big deal, which is fine.

Hey, music wise, i saw Placebo here a couple of months back, big (10,000 people) outdoor gig. Brilliant, utterly brilliant. I wore my h2g2 Tshirt & blagged my way backstage "Excuse me young man, i write for BBC online" & gave the dear chaps a & told 'em to keep on rocking. And no, i wasn't drunk!

Is it normal to get a bit hyper at this stage? I find i've got loads more energy & am hard pushed thinking of how to channel it. Spent 5 hours today wandering around town in the sunshine, very nice, but i can't do this every day!

zdt

5 is excellent, well done.

The cutting down to a "safe" level is a brilliant start, taking the addiction or the craving to "i fancy a drink" and not "i need a drink"

Its then the habitual side that then kicks in, the wanting to have a glass in your hand, i think when i stopped i must have drunk about 5 litres of fruit juice a day, plus about 5 pints of water also, it was the habit of drinking anything, ok it wasnt alcohol but my craving was thirst, i needed liquid inside me, but the main problem was with the juice i got a "beer gut" all those calories, constantly bloated and my god i couldnt stop weeing

Sulphasalazine, i heard about that about 6 months ago from an american doctor, where they had done tests on mice in the States for liver repair, not a great deal was written about it.

The Newcastle results did prove that liver regeneration could help mild liver problems, the mice that were used were given a steriod to act as an "liver killer" so that tests could be done, the dose was so small that it couldnt really replicate the true extent of cirrhosis in a human, even though there was an improvement.

The real test would be on a humans with irreversible liver damage, only then can it show that it works, i have no idea for when that is planned, but if it works it would be excellent news.

The main problem would be if people took the drugs and they worked, then went back to drinking thinking to themselves 'well if it comes back i can always get that drug again'

If it works for you and you feel comfortable with what you are doing and the way you are doing it, then good for you, docs can lecture a but too much and most of them only from text books, i know lots of ex-drinkers who did it their way without docs help and succeeded brilliantly, you can do it also

Oh yes, the hyper bit is like being drunk but not, my mind went through so wild a time that i couldnt put it into action, i wanted to do so many things, i was constantly p*ssed on life, everything looked bright even on dull days, i had no idea how to channel it, i just enjoyed it

Terri

I do apologise in advance for butting in on an obviously private conversation here, but I might be able to help you with your sleeping problem.

When I was going to my counselling, I too had problems relaxing and sleeping (you are obviously aware of what I was going through so I don't need to post that here).

There are two breathing techniques you can do and they work surprising well for me too!

The first one is called square breathing. This is how it works.

Slowly breath in through your nose whilst counting to 4. Then hold your breath for a count of 4. Breath out slowly through the mouth for a count of 4, then hold for a count of 4, then repeat as necessary.

The second is called the 7/11 breathing technique and is a slightly more difficult one to master.

You breath in through your nose for the count of seven, then breath out through your mouth for the count of 11. This means you're breathing out slower than you breathed in. As I said, it's a little bit more difficult to do, but it's worth a try.

Finally, one thing the counseller told me to do (and I've got good imagination so it worked for me).

She said to imagine I'm near the sea. Not at the beach, more in a field of soft, lush grass that is near the sea so you can feel the sea breeze.

Whilst doing the breathing exercises, try to imagine that you're just in that place, lay down in the grass with the sound of gentle waves and the sea breeze gently flowing over your body.

Doing the two together is hard to do, I admit, because not only do you have to remember where you are in your breathing, but also you need to remember where your mind is too. You need to "leave your own body" for want of a better phrase.

I do hope they help you in getting to sleep. They certainly help me and you're a good friend and I felt I had to offer this small bit of help to you.

Take care Terri

xxx

VV; i'll give it a go, but possibly not right now 'cos sucker for punishment that i am; i am also trying to cut down on cigs & consequently have "rebound cough"!

Ah; BK, so it's not just me as far as constantly drinking then? I am getting through about 4 or 5 pints of lime juice & water a day, feel thirsty all the time. Obviously much of this is habit of having a drink constantly there, plus i am on diuretics & also taking some herbal "elimination" things, the idea being to flush the stuff out. I was almost certainly severely dehydrated before, if most of the liquid you drink is alcohol...

After my manic day yesterday; i'm paying the price today. I was determined to stick on 5 again, so went to bed at around 1pm, instead o f the usual 3pm. Dreadful time, when i eventually did get to sleep, had evil nightmares (most unusual for me; i am usually one of these annoying people who actually laughs in her sleep!)& was generally tossing about. Eventually i gave up at 7am, came down & quite deliberately had 2 glasses of wine just so i could go back to bed & actually sleep. It worked of course. I got up around 3.30 & have been on lime juice until now (10pm)

But i feel really low, both physically & mentally. I obviously overdid it, legs are aching like hell & i feel ratty & depressed. I forced myself to have a big(ish: i only ever eat tiny portions) stodgy meal & even some . Sod the salad today.

One thing that's really bringing me down is that Winter is coming & since i am still paying off last years electric bill i am dreading it. The Electric Board says the only way i can cut bills is by not using the cooker, just use microwave. That's a pain, i am vegetarian, i loathe ready meals, i actually enjoy cooking using "real" veg...it's not too bad in Summer, salad & cheese sarnie will do, but Winter i usually make big soups n' curries. But it seems to be a straight choice: I can heat the downstairs room *or* cook, not both. Last year i closed off upstairs, slept in living room; which is tiny. Plus obviously i can't use my atelier in winter; boredom is going to be a big problem.

Ah well, if i continue with this, hopefully i should have a bit more spare cash. I went to the supermarket yesterday & the bill came to less than 3 euros! I queried it (i know the cashier!) & she laughed & said "All you've bought is water, juice & cat litter; unless you are hiding a bottle of something somewhere!" I suppose it does add up; even though wine is so cheap here. I would probably spend 5 euros or so per day on booze, same again on cigs. That's probably cut by half now, taking into account the odd drink in a bar. I deliberately didn't buy another bottle of wine, so i am forced to trek down there to get it when this one runs out. The exercise will do me good & i will probably make it last longer.

I doubt today will look good on the chart, since i didn't get up till this afternoon, i will no doubt be awake till lord knows when. That's the other thing with electric bill stuff; everyone on benefits forces themself to stay in bed as much as possible in winter to save heating costs; it's a very depressing way to live & almost purpose designed to encourage solitary drinking.

One funny thing today, a letter arrived, i recognised the writing; the landlady. Uh oh! I owe her a bit of backlog (not immense, but she's low on the list of "people to pay") & i am battling to get insulation before winter hits, she knows this. Her hubby is an artist, does similar sort of stuff to me but on a bigger scale (hmmf; he can afford a vast studio with all the money he makes from property rentals!) But it's not a demand for cash, it's an invite to the opening night of his latest exhibition! I can just imagine Mr & Mrs "Oh, invite the crazy Anglaisy" "Grr, she owes us money!" " So what, she's an artist, they always owe money" "you are impossible!"

Ah well, if today was crap, usually the day after is better. I think that's the difference between me & viking, he simply doesn't believe his life will ever get better "All i have is problems, nothing good ever happens; i hate my life."

zdt

You will have you up and down days, but its nothing to get yourself down about, there will be days when you want that little bit extra, be it to help sleep or having a down day and feeling panicky, it is quite normal.

But the good thing is that you realise it and you may even feel that you have let yourself down by having another drink, but dont, as we both know its not going to be easy, believe in yourself and know to yourself that you want to do this.

On the flip side, you will have days when you feel on top of the world and notice the difference for cutting down, getting that buzz factor.

Dont forget that your body has been taking a hammering through the drink and also needs it rest, alcohol effects every organ in your body from head to toe and cutting down will also have an effect on it all.

Your pocket will certainly notice the difference, in the first year the money i spent on drink i put into the bank weekly, well the wife did and in 12 months there over £4300 in there, no word of a lie

I must admit that my smoking did increase though, even now i smoke too much, but one day maybe

Blimey, i used to have a tab at the off licence, well i was a major customer of theirs, i still do not know if it ever got paid, i guess it must have.

Ooooh art, not my cup of tea really, basically i cant draw, but my matchstick men are excellent.

Do you do a lot of art, are there any i can see on here.

Viking sounds like a bundle of laughs then, does he make you feel depressed?

He makes me feel alternately depressed & angry; i feel like shaking him quite often! I know this is entirely the wrong approach to somebody who is severely depressed, but honestly, i have tried being nice,kind, sympathetic, caring, sharing, self sacrificing, supportive little Terri for nearly 2 years now. It's done no good; he simply takes advantage. He's went to a clinic for 3 weeks, they told him to go in the end "yes, you're depressed, but since you don't seem to have any desire to change & refuse meds, there's not a lot anybody can do."

I think he's been wallowing in self pity for so long; it's like a nice comfy pair of slippers; why should he go to the trouble of breaking in new shoes painfully & entering the outside world?

He's claimed in the past "Your only problem is the booze; if you cut down/quit, you would be the perfect woman for me" Er, right. Jolly good. Unfortunately the list of what he would have to do to be NOT perfect 'cos it doesn't exist; but compatible man for me is somewhat longer. Anyway, he is poking his snout round the door tomorrow night; i would bet he stays 3 hours maximum.

I've been looking up "fat tum" syndrome; "ascites" in medicalsqueak. Fluid retention 'cos of poorly sick liver of course. I did have "oedema" ie ankles like ballons, but they disappeared after about 10 days into all this. So any tips on how to get the gut to go? That would really inspire me! It may be imagination but it seems a bit flatter, but still bloated. When i quit before (5 years back; cold turkey)after a couple of months the tum went..but so did a lot of other stuff & i ended up severely underweight. I am taking diuretics on prescription (Aldactone)& at the moment also a herbal "elimination" thing, which is presumably diuretic based also. Apparently you can go to hospital & have the fluid literally sucked out, but i can't afford to even see my GP, don't have medical insurance. Confusingly, some sites say "restrict fluid intake" while others say "increase, to flush through via kidneys" They all say to reduce salt intake dramatically.

Great; so:

No booze
No cigs
No salt

The only non-forbidden pleasure left is sex; but since You Know Who is too depressed to be in the mood & i am unlikely to meet someone else sitting chewing my nails at home....Bah, humbug!

5 & a half yesterday. 3 so far today (11.45pm) I really hardly miss it in the daytime, unless i have a panic; it's at night, when i am lonely & bored & dreading the sleep battle.

The art comes & goes; i have to be in the mood! Can't put a link on here, but could send by email if you are interested.

zdt

I think he has a long way to go for you even to consider him, but him bringing you down doesnt help you at all.

All i did was loads of sit ups which i hated and swapped my fruit juice for a low cal thing, cant really remember what it was now, then i started to drink apple juice watered down, there is still a bit of a gut there, but not as bad.

Apart from drumming and Aikido, i am not a fitness freak, so if my belly wants to stick out a bit, then so be it

Sex is an excellent fitness gig, i totally recommend it, but with the right person though.

3 so far today is good, but as you said you have the night ahead of you, try not to think about the drink, otherwise it will lead to a panic attack, thus leading to the drink, its a vicious circle isnt it.

Yes please, mail me some of your art, i would love to look at it.

Its a shame you have come on now as i have to go, and i would have liked to chat some more, seeing that we arent really on line at the same time.

But alas, it is time to depart, i hope you have a peaceful evening and night, chat soon

Hello, how are you doing then, havent heard from you in a few days.

Hope all is well

Hiya, sorry, i am really tired right now; more later. basically slipped a bit but still plodding on.

off to take advantage of the "sleep window"; i deserve it, i was up early & have walked bloody miles today!

zdt

No worries, talk when you want to, its alright