Journal Entries
Thunderstorm!
Posted Oct 18, 2001
There's a thunderstorm brewing here, and as a result, my connection is very dodgy! I keep getting thrown off! If this keeps up, I'm going to go offline ... so please excuse me, everybody, for not speaking to you tonight! There are still truckloads of messages I want to send, but the weather is not cooperating!
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Latest reply: Oct 18, 2001
Tomorrow I start painting!
Posted Oct 14, 2001
I'm writing this entry mostly for my own sake, but if you want to read it, please go ahead! Like I've been telling people, I want to start concentrating more on the development and use of my artistic skills. This weekend I was mainly busy getting up to date on the internet, as I planned, but still I managed to complete the pencil guiding lines for my first painting - a scaly-feathered finch. Tomorrow morning I will start with the painting process itself. What I need to do at this point in my career is to learn to paint faster, without compromising on quality. Typically up till now it has taken me many months to complete any painting. I have to keep on practicing until I can do the same in no more than a week - or even, if possible, a day. I know of many artists who can paint quickly while still maintaining excellent technique. Zdenek Burian, the dinosaur (and other prehistoric creature) painter, could complete a detailed, realistic painting within an hour or two. Priscilla Bornman, a lady painter friend of hours, did a very pretty little landscape painting in five minutes! So I definitely need to learn some speed. The reason that my paintings up till now have taken so long is because I've painted only for a short while each day, because of a lack of drive and also because I got muscle pains if I sat down for too long, and also because I am still not sure of the right way to use colour. Because nowadays I can sit still for much longer, have more drive, and much less muscle pains, I ought to already be working at a greater pace. The rest is just practice. I will try and complete my finch within the week, and if it looks good, I will produce four copies of it, just for the sake of practice with the technique of mixing colours and applying them! I will try and make each copy better than its predecessor. It is important that I put all my passion into every copy, so that they are not 'mere' copies. I will try and vary them subtly as well. I find that it is important to me to paint subjects that I love, and in painting them, try to express what it is about them that most fascinates me. I really do love scalyfeathered finches! They are tiny, but extremely cocky! They are tamer than just about any other wild bird species over here. They're not spectacularly colourful, but very cute!
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Latest reply: Oct 14, 2001
Sleep
Posted Oct 14, 2001
It's a bit silly - I had a good night's sleep, a solid eight hours, but now I'm feeling drowsy again ... so much that I can't continue here any more! I'm going to lie in bed for a while and see if that helps. I probably won't be able to fall sleep again, though.
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Latest reply: Oct 14, 2001
Where I was ...
Posted Oct 12, 2001
This is what my Userspace used to say, from 23 September until 12 October:
"On Sunday Morning, 23 September, between 9 and 11 O'clock at morning, I was here in the study with a loaded 38 special revolver, intending to kill myself. First I wanted to talk to my friends over here ... I was afraid they might take it a bit hard, I wanted to leave some messages for them ... at the same time, to tell them it was not so bad, but also tell them why it was so bad that I wanted to kill myself over it, and all the while unable to tell them what was so bad, because it was just *so* bad. Well the servers did not co-operate. The journals loaded way too slow. So it took way too long. In between I went out and fired a shot off into the compost heap in the back yard, just to convince myself I had it in me to pull the trigger. It was easy, and the leaves muffled the sound so that it sounded like little more than a loud firecracker. It also made it seem, for me, who have in so very long time (fifteen years, about) not fired a gun, a very natural act to do, again. I got back online. Some of my friends notified people in South Africa, but got very frustrated by the response. My parents were in church, and I wanted to do it before they left. But I was held up by the slow servers and all the messages. So sometime after eleven o'clock my parents showed up here and I could not do it in front of them. We then talked about it ... I still despeartely wanted to do it. We talked some more. At last I gave up the gun and admitted I need help. Then I went to a doctor for an injection. I talked with the doctor as well. Soon I will leave for a mental institution. There I will stay for probably a long while. You can still contact me. You can post messages on my userspace ... mark them clearly, put the words 'for Willem' in their titles. I will ask my fater to drop in every day or two, log in here, open messages and print them out and send them to me there in the clinic. Over there I will write messages on paper, and ask my father to come here and post them here from time to time. I will also respond to email in the same way ... remember to clearly mark the email title as well so it is clear it's not some s****y spam message. Please ... I will need contact. I love you all and want to hear from you and will feel very alone over there."
I am now back home from the clinic. I just want this old message to appear in my journal, so it stays publicly visible, because I will now write a new introduction. Allow me to say thanks to everybody who sent their messages ... they really boosted my spirits a lot.
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Latest reply: Oct 12, 2001
I am back!
Posted Oct 12, 2001
Hello everybody. I am back - this is me typing! I just quickly want to tell you all. My email still does not work, but you can all talk to me here! I will log on for a long period tonight (it is about 12:50 here now).
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Latest reply: Oct 12, 2001
Willem
Researcher U168712
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