h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not doing badly these days, but still feeling very lonely. I am getting out and meeting people, especially thanks to the bird club and its activities, and I'm getting along very well with some of those folks, but still I am very, very lonely most of the time. I am not really like those people I'm meeting ... there's much about myself I cannot talk about with any real flesh-and-blood person whom I can physically meet in my own environment. It feels to me like I have to pretend a lot, to present myself as someone/something that I really am not. Now in most circumstances many people do this, I'm sure, but me, I can't really get comfortable with it. To interact with others I must present myself as fairly confident, happy, and capable, whereas I feel quite the opposite. I have no-one to whom I can really tell it when I have serious problems. I have to pretend that everything is all right all the time, and that gets wearying when inside I am close to dying of sheer existential fear. I really yearn for a kindred soul. It's not so bad actually but just sometimes I get tired of this. I yearn for a kindred soul and for a society in which I can fit, even if just barely, and where I can make contributions that will actually be appreciated, that actually mean something, and where I can keep on doing that and getting better at it, so that I can really make the most of my talents and my desire to positively contribute to the world.

Oh, sweetie.
Alone can be ok, but lonely is very sad.
I think, that now that you're getting to know more people socially, perhaps try and drop a gentle hint to one or a few, that all is not as shiny as it may seem. I do believe that people are kind, mostly, and it seems you have found groups of nice people. And everyone has their struggles, although they may be of different sizes and shapes. Perhaps someome will be relieved to be "allowed" to mention theirs to you too?

Hi Milla! Thanks for the comment. One of my biggest gripes is that because I am not allowed to say that I am mentally ill, I am not able to let other mentally ill people know that they are not alone.

But why aren't you allowed? Who says you aren't?

The people who are the closest things to friends that I have here in real life, in other words, at least they know sort of that I have struggles, though they don't know exactly what these are, are very adamant about it that I should not be open about being mentally ill.

Oh. That's really sad...

Can I recommend a good TV series I found recently?

It's a BBC series, and it's available in its entirety on Youtube, in 10-minute bits, starting here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGudV1C3Sh0

The series is called 'Takin' Over the Asylum', and okay, it's in Scots, but it's cool. Starring a very young Doctor Who, among others.

I think the series makes the excellent point that mental illnesses are a part of life, that we can cope, and that everybody's dealing with something or another, so we need to be tolerant and kind toward each other.

If nothing else, the show will give you a laugh and a smile - and the music's great.

I don't know if you are on twitter, but I know plenty of people on there who are open about having a mental illness, and a couple of them also write blogs. Maybe I could put you in touch with them?

Two of the blogs are here:

https://sectioneduk.wordpress.com/about/

https://purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/

You've probably read them already

Hey, you Mammoth! Thank you for those links. That second blog is really informative on bipolar disorder.

Hi Woolly Mammoth, thanks for that ... the thing is, I know lots of people on the internet who are open about mental health problems and with whom I can talk but ... I need such people in 'real life'. I know the internet is real, there are real people on the other end ... but ... my *loneliness* is about not having people around me, flesh and blood people, people whose faces I can see, people whose voices I can hear, people with whom I can sit down and have a chat, people whom I can do things with like for instance go to see a movie and then afterwards talk about it, perhaps having a meal together, I want people with whom I can listen to music and discuss it, look at art - people to whom I can show my art and ask what they think, people I can take into my garden so we can look at the plants and I could tell them things, perhaps give them plants they especially like ... people to whom I can talk about problems, not just my problems but problems in society. My problems too, the thing is I need *perspective*. I need someone sane and stable with an outside perspective. Someone I can ask about the things I fear, whether those things are realistic or not. Real people who can see me face to face, who can see how I am trying to live, people who can pick up things because they can see them or hear them. You folks of the internet are all very fine but if you actually were able to see me, see how I'm trying to live, see what I'm trying to do, maybe you'd then see things and understand things about me that you could never do over the net, maybe then you could give me advice and help ...

You see, I need human contact. I need an acknowledgement of my own humanity.

I can understand that feeling - even if I can't really share it...

I tend to be a pretty solitary person, myself. I can take people in small doses, but I'm gregarious when it comes to writing.

It seems to me that the trick with that is not to look for that kind of contact online?

Are there coffeehouses, meeting places, a university nearby where students gather? Students (and faculty) are great ones for having free time. Go to the odd free lecture or concert, or the film club, stuff like that? Good way to make RL contact.

I'm not looking for that online, Dmitri, I'm just trying to explain myself so you folks will understand when the inevitable happens.

As for meeting places ... I honestly don't know. But even if I have a place ... there just aren't people around to whom I can relate, in an honest and open way.

Yeah, I know it feels that way sometimes. That's why I wondered if you couldn't try places where you'd be more likely to meet people you'd click with - same interests...

Hi again Dmitri! The closest things I have are the bird club and the art classes. But still it is so, so difficult there! The people at those places are very much not like me ... and even when I get along well with them (which I do actually) it still means I can't speak with any of them about much of the stuff I really need to speak to people about.

I don't know if I can manage like this much longer ... to myself I am hardly human any more. But I'll try.