This is the Message Centre for Chris M

Suspension of Disbelief

Post 1

Chris M

Everything I've come to understand about this controversy began, and
continues with, a pressing desire on the part of LeKZ to challenge and
awaken peoples' understanding of domestic violence and child abuse, and
their effect on people in adulthood. Their website says, in no uncertain
terms, Secrecy Kills.

While I have been too timid up till now to address this with any degree
of consistency, I have tried, tentatively, to find ways in myself to
have the courage to talk about my personal experience of abuse. I'm going
to up the ante now, so those of a sensitive disposition look away.


My mother died from a brain tumour in 1981, when I was 6, which became
malignant as a consequence of hormonal changes she experienced in her
first pregnancy with me in '75, and another which was terminated some
years later. My father, the youngest of 3 and terminally spoilt, was
taken under the wing of his widowed mother. I was shipped off to boarding
school while the two of them enjoyed years of co-dependant binge
drinking and numerous failed business projects. Eventually time took its toll
on Grandma, and she passed away in 1985. In her will she left a third
of what was left of her estate to each of her daughters, and the other
third to me, in trust until my father died, because he was a useless man
who couldn't take care of anything, and I would probably make better
use of it. Naturally this p****ed him off pretty severely, so he
contested the will, filing a suit against his only son. He lost.

So dad was left with nothing, and he and I went off to live in council
accommodation for the duration of my adolescence. Him, a bitter, broken
alcoholic with no money, his wife dead and a child under his feet he
couldn't possibly support, reminding him constantly of how unfair his
life was. Guess who took the blame.

Well, five years of CONSTANT unrelenting physical and emotional
torture, imprisonment and domestic servitude later (which didn't ease during
birthdays or Christmas), the paralysis I felt at the hands of this
psychotic single parent came to a head. On 21st November 1990, after a
particularly long girocheque-sponsored bout of crapulence, he came into the
kitchen to berate me for taking too long with the washing up. Only this
time he grabbed a 6-inch kitchen knife with which to do it. He chased
me upstairs with it, and, cornering me in his bedroom, pinned me to the
floor and with nothing but utter menace in his eyes attempted to force
it onto my chest.

Thinking about it now, I feel nothing. Genuinely, nothing, save
amazement at how I was able to hold him off. In the struggle, his only
physical damage to me was a bite on the arm. Somehow I managed to free myself
from his grip - perhaps in an instant, guilt took control and he let me
go, I can't remember. All I remember is running for my life, hurtling
out of the house, hiding in a bush wondering if he'd come looking for
me, and how long I should leave it till I could come home to find him
sleeping it off. No, I said to myself, enough is enough. I went to a
neighbour, called the police, and that afternoon was put in a place of
safety. A week later I signed myself into voluntary care, and stayed with
foster parents until a year later, when my Aunt kindly obliged to give me
a fresh start with her on the other side of the country. My
relationship with dad, though he never touched me again, was never much better -
as hard as I tried to resurrect our relationship, he never acknow!
ledged what he did, nor did he ever apologise. We argued constantly,
and as time went on, I got bigger and he got weaker. For ages I wished
him dead, thinking the money I'd inherit would heal all my pain. He died
a year ago from a burst duodenal ulcer, aged 55. It didn't.


Since 1990 I've struggled to have control of my own life, in spite of
years of insane partying, drug consumption that would make Daniella
Westbrook look like a p***y, and increasingly more severe near-suicidal
depressions, anxiety attacks, psychoses and paranoia. I've accumulated 8
GCSEs, two 'A'Levels, 11 failed relationships, lost countless jobs, and
failed twice to get a degree. I'm still struggling to find a reason to
keep going. I've spent 10 years honing my abilities as a musician, but
have never released, or even kept, any record of my creativity - the
sense of worthlessness and self-judgement like a portable dad in my head
every single day. My extended family and friends have always wished I
could put the past behind me and Let It Go, act as if it never happened,
but every effort I've made to sustain work and home has fallen flat,
and everything about how I feel, think and behave (something which has
become glaringly apparent to me since joining h2g2) is a constant r!
eminder that it did. For ten years I've been escaping, running, hiding,
escaping, running and hiding, wondering why I carry on fighting -
trapped in a mental fever from which there has only ever been one guarantee
of *real* escape, until now.

My psychiatrist has told me that the recognised diagnosis for my
condition is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It manifests in depression,
anxiety and psychosis whenever I feel imprisoned, abused, rejected, judged
(dad) or abandoned (mum, and now, dad too). The cruel irony here is
that all the people who put me in this state are no longer around to hurt
me, yet I've learned never to trust anyone not to hurt or leave me,
commit to anything or put myself forward, however much I feel I need to
(and I do). I've posted this, rather than add it as an entry, because
once it's gone, it's gone. I can't delete it, it's out there, and nothing
but faith, the only thing that will give me a chance of a normal life,
and understanding can protect me from the consequences.

This is my first attempt to acknowledge and live with my past, publicly
and with as much grace as I can muster. If I can say this, who knows
what I'm capable of. Maybe I can finally release some music, commit to a
job or a relationship, and when the adrenaline kicks in, as I'm sure it
will once this has gone out, I will consciously hold on and brave the
worst, because a life spent conquering fear and finding hope is better
than no life at all. There is still so much good in the world to
extinguish the bad, and I must trust that if I'm ever going to know happiness.

I do this not just for attention-seeking's sake, but for LeKZ and
D-Sys. The little I know of them tells me that they have experienced, and
continue to experience suffering which makes mine look like a light slap.
Suddenly I am acutely aware of the fact that, underneath all this
debate, two human beings in Colorado are struggling daily to survive, all
the while making ever greater efforts to encourage and inspire the
survival of others. The constant debate on how to manage this situation in
LeKZ' absence, detracts totally from their struggle. I wish I could do
more than wish them well, but I hope they can appreciate how much I do. I
know nothing of DID, but intend to find out as much as I can, and I
look forward to reading Will's article on the subject.

In my time on this site I've learned more about myself than anything
else. I came for a window and found a mirror. I've come to understand
that the only way I can look forward to a better future is to accept my
past and how it has affected me, and with awareness that improves with
every new realisation learn to face the rigours of my mental ill health
better equipped. I only hope that anyone reading this, who has ever
treated their children with anything less than the respect they are due as
human beings created equal, will begin to question their judgement and,
forewarned, think how it might affect them in later life. Do they want
them to turn out like this? Terrified, wanting to die, cold and alone,
by their own hand? I doubt it.

If this is what LeKZ seek to achieve here and elsewhere then I for one
would like to see that continue for as long as they need to. If their
suspension requires greater and more subtle efforts on their part to
continue repairing and stopping the damage done to kids, then so be it. If
one or other alter wants to break the rules and step in, then they're
gonna. The only way I can fathom a complete cessation of LeKZ' right to
be a part of this site for as long as they need to before being
discovered, is to abolish the site, which would be a) massively unpopular and
b) put some incredibly decent and patient people out of work; or
physically remove LeKZ' PC, which would be as far as I can tell illegal,
since they're not uploading/downloading kiddiefilth, Nazi propaganda, bomb
manufacture techniques or anything *truly sick* like that. All they're
doing, it seems to me, is being rude to people who trigger them (which
there's plenty of around here, though mostly too subtle for anyon!
e not terminally paranoid to detect), because as far as I can tell,
that's how they cope. I wish I had that freedom, then perhaps I wouldn't
be constantly the victim of the piece. I swear, there isn't a day goes
by without some intolerant p**** getting my back up, and I think "Oh
God, please, just this once..." and fantasize wrapping my ha(sentiment
interrupted by self in anticipation... easy tiger!). Still, I keep a
bottle of scotch in the kitchen cupboard, and wonder how long it will take
for history to repeat itself. Time will tell.

All I can say with certainty is that the likelihood of that happening
is now severely diminished by the understanding and inspiration I have
found from both LeKZ and D-Sys. Thanks to them, I'm actually saying this
out loud. Thanks to them, I'm dealing with it. Thanks to them, and many
others, someone on the other side of the planet is alive, and I have
had the opportunity to meet, become friends with, and receive very
personal gifts of art from them. If that makes me a sycophantic brown-noser
then guilty as charged. But it seems I'm in good company.

As a final thought, I'd like to point out that aswell as being a victim
of abuse and attempted filicide (which if anyone doubts, they can
e-mail me, and I'll provide evidence) I'm also an only child, now orphaned
at 26 and without any immediate family left. This is, I'm sure you can
understand, a very isolating existence - in spite of having plenty of
very supportive friends and extended family in RL, I have always felt,
and probably always will feel alone. This is to me far more punishing
than any verbal or physical abuse I might encounter, but, paradoxically,
an often more comfortable state of affairs, as it's what I'm most used
to. Whenever I could get away from dad, when he was sleeping it off, I
would retreat to the woods at the back of our house and be with nature.
This doesn't make me a particularly popular fella, at least not here.

The curious perk of this though, is when you're as terminally cut-off
as I am, you get a well developed awareness of your environment, and
observational skills that would probably support a career in stand-up, if
I only had the noive. In my partying days I crowbarred myself into
drum'n'bass fraternities, remaining as ever L'Etranger, consuming the
drugs, dancing like a lunatic, wanting to screw the groupies (I'm a DJ
myself now - though only at home... any day now, honest to God). I watched
with jealous glee as these groups inevitably fell apart in a cloud of
in-fighting, coke dust, nasal blood, STDs and unwanted pregnancies.
Empires rise, and they fall. If those who have gathered together in the name
of progress, and who have made *excellent* strides in expanding the
boundaries of free speech here, truly seek that progress, then it might be
worth their while a) not taking chunks out of each other in the
process, and b) remembering what it was LeKZ wanted in the first place.!
Just a suggestion, IMHO smiley - hugsmiley - cheers.

I'm done now... phew! Please, if anyone wants to, feel free to
regurgitate what I've said out of context in any way you see fit. I still love
this site, and I'll never forget what I've been given by some of the
people on it, so I'll take it on the chin like a man.

I hope people who respond to this will bear in mind how hard this was
for me. Thank you.


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 2

imsogreen ( in search of music related quotes )

why did you cancel your account? are you dead now? or are you just running away? or did you have enough of h2g2?


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 3

Bob McBob

Why would you close your H2G2 account? It's not mandatory, as A683075 proves, and the accounts just sit there forever.


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 4

imsogreen ( in search of music related quotes )

thanks for the link. i am just worried. hope he's alright.


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 5

weegie

blimey! that was an amazignly beautiful and honest piece of writing. I don't really think its important why he stopped his h2 account. in fact, i think it adds to the post's poignancy. he's left us this.

Chris has been incredibly brave aknowledging his abuse. He has been incredibly knowing in recognising his problems - he is, hopefully, taking the first steps to getting well.

i hope his strength has continued and that everyday he learns to do more.

i hope he's alright too.


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 6

imsogreen ( in search of music related quotes )

no, i think it's important. when you start to cut connections, you're erasing part of your memories - "terminally cut-off". the fact that he wrote this as a message so that he could not erase it, and then closed the account after 2 years, just doesn't sit right with me. i don't have the faith in me to trust anyone telling me that s/he's taking his first steps to deal with his/her problems by cutting off the past, it's b*ll*cks! just see how hard it is to forget about his parents. it sounded more like cutting off his past to cut his waist to me. has he taken the quote of freedom to the extreme? no wait, he might be alright, dj-ing somewhere. f-this, i'm going to stop thinking about it. the end. bye.


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 7

Researcher U197087

I'm over here! smiley - laugh

I had put that up as a sort of 'get it out of me' exercise and left the site. I was, clearly, very vulnerable at the time and with the issue described (which I'd ask you *not* resurrect, for the sake of those spoken of) for whatever reason, I asked the italics to 'close' my account. It seemed a good idea at the time (I reckon I'll make that my epitaph smiley - winkeye)

But a year or so later, I came back and started a group for other survivors which is nearly a year old, and proving to be mostly very helpful to its subscribers. I'm also very happily engaged to one of them. The past, for all its terrors, is very much in the past and though I still have a few problems, I have a great here-and-now, have greived for my dad and come back to my own life.

Thank you all very much for your concern smiley - smiley


Suspension of Disbelief

Post 8

Researcher U197087

Oh, but I quit DJing. smiley - doh


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