h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Lottery Tickets

Posted May 13, 2005

Today I purchased a lottery ticket. It's for one of those multi-state games, where somebody thousands of miles away could win instead of me. I wait until these games are worth about US$20 million before I buy a ticket.

I figure I'm only going to win the lottery once, so I'd rather it be for millions and millions of dollars, instead of a little pot.

When I asked for a ticket, the man behind the counter said, "Just one?" I thought that was rather foolish, because it only takes one to win.

"Why more than one?" I asked.

"Because if someone else wins, you'll get two-thirds of the share, instead of half!"

The man had himself a nice marketing pitch. Instead of winning $10 million, he's telling me, I could win 13.33 million!

As much as I appreciated his advice, I felt that it was a major scam, because what if that *other* person *also* purchased two tickets? After buying an "insurance" ticket, I'd come to find I was only getting $10 million! In fact, I'd be getting less -- I'd be getting $10 million, less one dollar.

Then I thought about getting three tickets, to undermine the nefarious plans of that person 1000 miles away, and was wringing my hands in evil anticipation of the look on his face when he found out that I had THREE tickets. I would take home $12 million, and he was only taking home $4 million! The more I thought about it, the more I was excited to think of how I would not just win the jackpot, I'd walk away with it by purchasing a crazy number of tickets.

So I spent $20 for 20 copies of the same ticket. When I win, that poor bastard 1000 miles away will be getting less than $1 million of a $20 million jackpot. I can just see him now, crying, explaining to his wife and kids how he won a big jackpot, and blew that too -- just like he blew his music career, and that big promotion at work, and how he's not really a great husband or father! I'm not planning on winning the lottery tonight, I'm planning on CRUSHING my competition in the lottery tonight.

I love gambling.

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Latest reply: May 13, 2005