h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ah I see, h2g2 and britannica.com have conspired against poor ol' me.
Want to confuse me, eh?
*looks around and whispers to the dancing shadows in the room*
they are after me!
*temporarily returns to sanity*
But as one of my favourite characters says: "I will get to the bottom of this!"

Anyway, there are no slave girls here (which is a bit disappointing, I agree).
But you know how it is, no money, no decent whips and the chains all rusty...
Which rubber clad slave girl would stay here, I'd like to ask.

you know somthing......you have the definition aof a minion mixed up with the deffinition of ST Bob (my god I called him that and not mike for once somene break out the champaine) he does all of that d more for anyone, strange kid really.

*gets up wearily*
thanks MOG...
In fact I say tomaten, but that is another story.
It's a confusing, nay, infuriating world! (You see, I can't stop using all these funny words that I barely understand but that *do* sound so fascinating to me.)
I should not discuss educational means, mind you.
It upsets me too much.
*mumbling something about not smacking kids*
*grumbling that it is ok to hit stupid people over the head with heavy sticks, but that the kiddies have to be left alone*
*realising that MOG cannot possibly know what he is talking about*
Ahem. Well.
I think I shall go out and have a drink, shall I?
*Leaving the room gloomily, kicking some boots out of the way*

{takes PHW by the arm and leads him to the bar, where she orders a pair of cosmicpolitans} OK, honey. It's time to enlighten me, now. Things DO get a little confused, at times. {pulls the DOME of Clarity and Enlightenment from her bag, and pops it over their barstools, like a pop-up tent} Now, do tell. Not quite an order, because I respect you, but...very strong request. Please.

Hi MOG. just came back. Totally drunk.
Let's lallllaaalllaaa...
Oooops, I'm drunk. Tomorrow, I will....
Well, tomorrow I willlll enlighten you in a way you've never been enlightened before taaaaraaaa. Just you wait.
Oh well, we'll have a serious talk, then
*being sick*
Oh. Don't you use this against me.
Au revoir.

*sigh* {muttering to herself, decidedly out of temper} Dammit, that'll teach me to take these lightweights out for cocktails. My own fault I guess....{pulling out her hankie, spitting on it, and wiping his chin} OK then. But tomorrow. No excuses. UNDERSTAND?

you can take me and Vince out if you like...lots of practis on the mountin dew

*Places little hands on head*
mountain dew...
Hmmmmmm Lovely,
*Pulls out ruby cube*
I think I shall wait until I sloshed and shlarmy before I respond, perhaps then clarity will foam with ease....

Are you keen on my rubber clad fan club then?

No where is it?

*Eyes widen*

Have you ever played with my minion arntarage?
Rubber clad slave girls are my lattest party trick!

*Shakes little head*
Now what of this joyous Mountain dew?

*jumps to attention*
*sways, tries to hold his stomach, looses balance, drops*
*just before he touches the floor, he looks at MOG's most interesting shoes and completely forgets about hitting the ground...*
*a fraction of a second later he hits the ground nonetheless*
*get's up again, bruised, muttering something about DNA making it all up*

Don't shout, please. I've got a bit of a headache, it seems.
You ask... demanded to be enlightened. Hm, very well.
*pulls out his Scepter of Enlightenment (no pun intended ) and holds it over MOG's head*
*he enlightens MOG mightily, which seems to have no effect at all*
*takes the Scepter and hits it against the wall a few times*
Damn, this bloody thing seems to have been standing in the Cabinet of Ancient Devices too long...
But I can shed light upon these mutterings about children, though.
In a most stupid thread about child rearing some people disagreed with me (which is in itself a capital offense) and justified their errant opinions with Bloody Invalid Arguments. You know, sort of: a) cannot be so bad, because b) is worse, and so on...
This always upsets me beyond the point of mere anger.

*Since this doesn't get any more interesting, the topic is withdrawn herewith.*

*looks up meekly to MOG*
I will have the DOME Of Clarity and Enlightenment cleaned, I promise.
*Reaches out for a GargleBlaster but meets her stare just in time and pretends just to wipe some spot off the table*

*Downs the formenchand gargle blaster in one so it cannot tempt Phw any more with no ill affects ecsept fot the smoke rising from his ears*
where is the tred. I hate to miss out on arguments and it will proberbly supise people but I have all but raised a few kids my self, they are handycapped and I help care for them which is usually the only time they get noticed.

{points to the Scepter of Enlightenment} May I have that thing for a moment, please? {looks at the model number and nods wisely} it's long outdated and the warranty has expired. Good for only one thing, now...{grabs Bob and tosses him over her lap, securing him with her elbows to keep him from wriggling free.} Sparky, you PROMISED to quit the booze for a while. I guess I have only one option left, at this point. And it's gonna hurt me much more than it will you, trust me! {commences to whacking his rear with the Scepter}

Sorry, PHW, understand your feelings about whacking the kiddies, but sometimes it's the only way they learn, mores the pity. And this one is incorrigible!

The thread is... *searches reluctantly* http://www.h2g2.com/F54676?thread=80345 Judge yourself. Normally, I *can* live with the fact, that other people disagree to my most elaborate opinions. *tapping himself on the shoulder for being so tolerant* BUT, if the reasoning behind arguments is just non-existent, this drives me crazy. There are, of course, the ones who say that this is fundamentally impossible, because of me being crazy all the time, but well... phw-who-is-not-going-to-discuss-the-subject-of-child-rearing-any-longer-without-being-able-to-hit-some-disputants-over-the-head-with-a-really-big-stick-in-RL-that-is PS: We'll have a little talk about that GargleBlaster, though :-)

Hmm. There is no way I would give in, when it comes to kiddies, but when we talk about Bob, well, he might be an exception. I mean people, who once tried to take advantage of my poor condition a few postings ago, cannot really expect me to help them when they are threatened with the Scepter of Enlightenment (being used as the Heavy Stick of Justice), can they, Bob?....Hmmmm?
*Realizing that he is a flawed character, he is handing MOG the Whip of Just Punishment when Bob isn't looking*

stop with all that weak stuff and use this.
*hands them both a rather large golden hammer*
that is the hammer of the hevenly hang over
should give him abut a morning or two of fun

*Reaching in his pocket for asprin*
Do you ever get the feeling that someone doesnt like you,

we love you my friend that is why we are beating this nasty habit of yours out of your skull before it can do any serus damadge

That's right! We really do you a favour with this.
*goes down into the torture chamber and looks for devices to do him an even greater favour*

*Starts to skake with terror as Vince chans him up*