h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm editing the entry - done a first read through and correction. Nothing major. Anyway... as someone has recently taken big issue with my use of commas I thought I'd run the current article past you...

A1339120

I'll do a second run at it, a final read... and then submit it to the Towers.



The Apprentice

There does seem to be a lot of them ... but your the sub ed

The only one that really Does not work for me is "made such an impression, by raiding in Scotland" loose the comma or loose the word "by" is my suggestion.

keep an eye on this thread as I asked a comma critique from the peer review to pop bye.

I'd change 'Upon arriving..' to 'After arriving...' as the impression was not made by his manner of arrival, but by his actions performed after arriving.

Also I'd break the sentence after King of Northumbria and change it from
, holding court in the hip and happening city of Jorvik (York). From there, with the support of a kindred spirit in the form of Archbishop (of Jorvik) Wulfstan, he resisted Saxon claims to the North for a short while; but, in 948 the Saxon King Eadred managed to dislodge and expel Eric.
to
Eric held court in the hip and happening city of Jorvik (York). For a short while he resisted Saxon claims to the North with the support of a kindred spirit, Archbishop (of Jorvik) Wulfstan. However in 948 the Saxon King Eadred managed to dislodge and expel Eric from Jorvik.

and in the next paragraph:
Luckily for Eadred, Eric, his son Haeric and his brother Ragnald were killed in 954 at the battle of Stainmoor, thus ending for good the Scandinavian royal tradition in Jorvik.
to
In 954 at the battle of Stainmoor Eric, his son Haeric and his brother Ragnald were all killed. Luckily for Eadred this finished for good the Scandinavian royal tradition in Jorvik.

Hope these suggestions help

Pimmsaloonie

I've changed 'Upon arriving..' to 'After arriving...'.

I've taken your second comment onboard structurally. However, "Archbishop (of Jorvik) Wulfstan" was worrying me - so I changed it to "Wulfstan, Archbishop of Jorvik". Also, the "However" at the start of the next sentence is demanding a comma - the sentence doesn't read right without a comma, as you're induced to pausing grammtically after the first word.

The third comment I have taken in part and rewritten somewhat:

"It took two years for King Eadred wrest back control of the North. In 954 at the battle of Stainmoor, Eric's son Haeric, his brother Ragnald and Eric himself were killed, ending the Scandinavian royal tradition in Jorvik for good."

I can't, in all conscience, leave the comma out after Stainmoor as it is immediately followed by another noun - a place name followed by a person's name - and there is too much potential for reader confusion as a result.

Amendments have been made.

Thanks for the comment,

The Apprentice

I would add that:

"In 954 at the battle of Stainmoor, Eric's son Haeric, his brother Ragnald and Eric himself were killed, ending the Scandinavian royal tradition in Jorvik for good."

- is a struggled compromise, as I believe that:

"In 954, at the battle of Stainmoor, Eric's son Haeric, his brother Ragnald and Eric himself were killed, ending the Scandinavian royal tradition in Jorvik for good."

- is more appropriate. You can drop "at the battle of Stainmoor," altogether and the sentence would still make sense. The addition, with comma, denotes a supportive, non-essential element of the sentence.

It's like:

"In 1984, at the bottom of my street, I had a near fatal car accident."

Telling the reader that the event happened at the bottom of my street is a non-essential addition to the sentence and it really doesn't add anything more than colour to what I'm saying. Saying Eric died at a specific battle in 954 is doing the same.

So, I may have to mull over that. The comma may appear...

The Apprentice

The commas in the article are exactly right at the moment. YOu might consider changing the one before "his son" in the last sentence to a semicolon, but it is not essential.

"Eadred wrest" should be "Eadred to wrest".