h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have just discovered that I am the mother of Satan.
I always suspected it, but now He (I'mstillthinking) has come out of the closet.
I was wondering if, as the Mother of God, you might have any advice for me. How do you get God to clean his room, or do the chores? If you have to ground him, how long do you send him to his room for.
I understand that if anyone grounded God, world affairs might suffer, which leads me to my next question:
*Glances at the headlines*
Obviously, he's in there now, so, when are you gonna let him out?

Peetie god's not grounded-- he's stuck in a holding pattern, compliments of the moderators. Damned powerful critters, aren't they? Humph. They've been holding him hostage for more than a year now.

*grumbles to the moderator* See what happens to the world when you hold my creations in limbo? All hell breaks loose. And it's all YOUR fault that he's not here to sort things out. Now, hurry up and work your way back through July 2000 and do your part towards getting the world back on track, ok?

Now, my lad's wired a bit differently than your lil imp. When I needed to work some behavior miracles on Peetie god, I implement the tried and true two-step program used by religious mammas everywhere. Guilt, followed by more guilt. That probably won't work with Satan. You'll have to hit him in his pride. A good, healthy dose of humiliation is what you'll need to keep the beast in line. A few years of that and you'll have turned him into a properly craven little mamma's boy. Just what you wanted, eh?

You're right about the guilt thing, too. I said "Oy! How I suffer!" and he flipped me off.
You know, I should have realised something was wrong when he destroyed his Barney doll, but I guess I thought it was just an
expression of good taste.

It probably was.

I'm fortunate that the lad is merely a figment of my imagination. Don't know what I'd do if I had real children.... would take care of them responsibly, but fear I'd resent it terribly. That's why I never wanted to have kids. I'm not especially generous with my time or attention, especially when I have things that *I* want to do.

I lurked your page a bit... is Satan just going through that evil teen phase? I was a nightmare for my parents from age 12-15. Then I took them up on their offer to leave if I didn't like their rules. What it boiled down to, amongst a bunch of other strange family dynamics, was that I'd had a revelation that I was responsible for my own behavior. It made it durned near impossible for me to accept other people's rules if they struck me as arbitrary. (still have problems with that ) It also made it durned near impossible for me to make sorry excuses for myself or expect others to get me out of the messes I got myself into. Bludgeon me with logic and reason and I'll meet (and often exceed) expectations.

Don't give up hope... a kid who had the sense to destroy Barney obviously has the germ of something human in him. It just might take a while for it to show itself.

Meanwhile....

Evil teen phase. I like that. It seems that both my kids went from the terrible twos to the evil teens. They have character!(Or, maybe they just ARE characters.)I must be doing something right.
You have a point about there being hope for my little . Killing off Barney is hopeful. Of course, he enjoyed it so much, he ressurrected him so he could kill him again.(In the Uniforms thread on the thingite pages)Hmmmm....Can there ever be too much of a good thing?
I have often found embarrasment to be a useful tool. He has a very low threshhold, and has often wished that I would forget the things he did when he was small.Especially Photos. heh, heh.

Well, if you ever need a helping hand with the Embarrasment By Photo (EBP) method, just give me a holler. I do wicked things with photoshop. A pic of him at his current age cuddling up to Barney might do the trick. Of course, you could always threaten to stick all his nekkid baby pics on a website somewhere and give each and evey one of his friends the link.... though I suspect that nowadays that might fall under the heading of cruel and unusual punishment.

I can envision 3 possible results:
1) He'll start doing all his chores, be a shining example of a good young citizen, and only later in life will they discover that the quiet young man next door was actually doing terrible things to the neighborhood pets.
2) He run away from home and join the circus.
3) He'll become a brilliant hacker through necessity, in order to destroy your website, and will eventually wind up in prison or in politics.