h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm doing an entry on Anothony keidis (Singer of the chili peppers) Would you have time to look over it before I pop it in to peer review.


I've found you to offer the most constructiive advice and this is why I'm asking.


Not to worry if you haven't the time

Sure, I'll take a look at it after I get home from work, or over the weekend. I'm not desparately familiar with the subject matter but I'll be glad to offer any help I can.

Stick another post under this one so that the thread comes up in my More Postings and reminds me about it - I've got a terrible memory these days

I've not finished it just yet I wanted to check with you first, when it's done I'll post the link

Okay. As soon as you post the link I'll check it out.

A10866314 here it is

not sure if you've scanned through it but just incase, I've made a couple of changes since I posted the link

I did have a quick look through it yesterday. I've got the day off today so I'll be able to devote some more time to it

Okay, let's do this like a PR thread.

Firstly, the opening subheader is uneccesary. It's stated on one of the PR/EG Help pages that the title bar of the entry is considered to be a sort of opening header to whatever introduction each has.

The subheaders ought to be headers, because headers break the entry up into chapters for those reading h2g2 on their PDAs. If you don't make chapters of your own, the software will break it up arbitrarily: http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/pda/A10866314

"1 November 1962, to John Kiedis"
'1 November, 1962 to John Kiedis'

"Anthony's parents divorced when he was just 5 years old in 1968, at this time he continued..."
Numbers from one to ten should be written out as words, so '5' becomes 'five', and I think I'd switch the references to the year and his age too, giving us:
'Anthony's parents divorced in 1968 when he was just 5 years old'

Personally speaking, I'm never happy with the phrase 'at this time' because it can be so much more efficiently replaced with words such as 'now' or 'then' (or, in this instance, 'and'). It says in the next section that he went to live with his father in LA. Did his father move their immediately after the divorce? If so, you could say in this paragraph that his father moved to California, and specify Los Angeles in the next paragraph where you tell us that Anthony moved out there to be with his father. Something like this:
'Anthony's parents divorced in 1968 when he was just 5 years old. His father moved to California and Anthony remained in Grand Rapids with his mother'

In what way was Anthony 'out of control' at age 11?

"He had also decided at this time, that he would like to go and live with his father in LA California"
There's the dreaded 'at this time' again LA should be given it's proper name - Los Angeles - and the link to the LA entry needs tweaking:
He had also decided by now that he would like to go and live with his father in Los Angeles

"His father first introduced Anthony to drugs at the age of 12"
Since the previous sentence told us that he moved to CA at age 12, you could change this one to something else to avoid repetition. Something like 'His father introduced Anthony to drugs almost immediately'

"It started with pot, then when of to Tuinal and then cocaine"
'It started with marijuana, then Tuinal and cocaine'

Fairfax High - Fairfax High High School

"where he met up with Micheal Balzary (Flea current Bassist of The Red Hot Chili Peppers) and Hillel Slovak (Former Guitarist of The Red Hot Chili Peppers). Both Anthony and Flea went on to form the band in 1983"
I can suggest something here but I really need more information to get it right. You say that he met Flea and Hillel at school but only Anthony and Flea formed the band. Did Hillel come in afterwards?

"into the pool below"
'into the swimming pool below'

"They had their eye on one such building which had a teardrop shaped pool, the smallest part of the teardrop being the deepest end"
'They had their eye on one such building which had a teardrop-shaped pool; the pointed part of the teardrop being the deepest end'

"When they had started to climb up the building someone had seen them and shouted to them to come down"
'While climbing the building they were spotted by someone who shouted to them to come down'

What he didn't realise is that he - was that he

instead of hitting the water - instead of landing in the water

mananged - managed

"It resulted in Anthony breaking his back"
'This prank/escapade/accident [you've already used the word 'stunt' so best not to use it again) resulted in...'

"and was told he'd have to spend a month in traction"
Did he actually end in traction for a month? It would be better to say what actually happened rather than what he was told unless he defied it, in which case there's an opportunity to add a bit of colour to the entry.

"When he was 21 not long after the Red Hot Chili Peppers had been formed"
'When he was 21 (and not long after the Red Hot Chili Peppers had been formed)'

his mothers car - mother's
Was this back in Michigan or had his mother now moved to LA?

gotten - got

"The crash was so bad that Anthony broke the steering wheel with the force of impact that his face hit it with"
'The crash was a bad one; Anthony was thrown forward with such force that his face broke the steering wheel, and the engine of the car was forced back onto the front passenger seat'

"he had split his face wide open"
That's a bit melodramatic and can be interpreted in many - non-medical and possibly inaccurate - ways. Do you know exactly what the injury was?

"He first became clean in 1988 after the death of band member Hillel Slovak, after a drug overdose"
'He first gave up drugs (went 'clean') in 1988 after the death of band member Hillel Slovak following a drug overdose'

Unfortunaly - Unfortunately

"Anthony's addiction was so bad, he was asked to leave"
'Anthony's addiction was so bad that he was asked to leave'

relaspes - relapses

"and again gave up drugs on 24 December 2000 and has thus far managed to stay clean"
'and again gave up drugs on 24 December, 2000; he has thus far managed to stay clean'

Film titles should be in italics and the dates in brackets.

Those are mostly punctuation, grammar and contextual corrections but I've a feeling that if this was put into PR, people might ask for more content - the entry does seem to skip over much of his life and concentrates on a very few aspects of it. Obviously you couldn't put in too much about the band because this isn't about them, it's about Anthony, and any content about the RHCP ought to go into an entry about them.

*grins* the problem I have with adding more is that a lot of his life revolved round drugs and sex and a lot of it, as you can imagine is unsuitable for a family site.

But I will sort out the rest thanks

You could try putting the entry into the Writing Workshop. Although it's nowhere near as well-inhabited as PR you might find a couple of people to help with it, and if not then just bung it straight into PR.Officialy we're not supposed to put unfinished entries into PR but it happens all the time and most of us aren't too bothered by it, as long as the entry gets finished and picked.

I have loads of material gosho, what I'm gonna do is try and rework it see if it can be done that way without losing anything, if you know what I mean

Okay.

Try to put it together so the entry runs as smoothly and chronologically as you can - right now the entry doesn't flow too well or have much of a focus. More content would certainly help that