Journal Entries
presidential election
Posted Oct 19, 2000
Wish I could take credit for following, but the author is anonymous.
Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice
President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the
question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided
women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by
trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes.
Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us
the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love
the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an ironclad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan
Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would
you be able to pronounce his name?
Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an ironclad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
system?
Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have
proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000
to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a
single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60
trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens
can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal
employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have
to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether
I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to re-roof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
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Latest reply: Oct 19, 2000
recent stuff
Posted Oct 16, 2000
For a while now, my car has been hinting that it intends to retire soon.
Friday night on David Letterman, Warren Zevon wrote an impromptu song, following Dave's request during the view mail segment, called "Licked by a Stranger." Is it about stamps or people? 
I thought the song quite good.
My car announced in no uncertain terms yesterday that it will be retiring with or without my approval, which is almost exactly two weeks before I would have been almost completely prepared for this. It just has to have the last word. I may lease some little thing to replace it.
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Latest reply: Oct 16, 2000
time to be here
Posted Oct 12, 2000
The mainframe at work has been down for a bit, giving me H2G2 time.
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Latest reply: Oct 12, 2000
thought for the day
Posted Oct 12, 2000
To forgive is divine.
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Latest reply: Oct 12, 2000
free your mind
Posted Oct 11, 2000
I may be too un-English for H2G2. I've been taken aback at some of the stuff I've been reading on forums lately. It seems like many researchers value making nice above standing up for principles. This is not sitting well with my independent free spirit and gives me the idea that trying to have some influence here might be worthwhile. I have nothing against the researchers who opt to avoid confrontation even when it is warranted, as it is probably just part of their culture, but I would like to see different points of view represented and stood up for when appropriate.
And I intend to have fun in the process. Must remember to keep sense of humor and use humor to accomplish things.
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Latest reply: Oct 11, 2000
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