Journal Entries
my rantings part 5
Posted Jul 16, 2000
before the Justice Department
blithely approved AT&T's acquisition of the MediaOne Group, giving AT&T control of more than a third of the
nation's cable networks for television, high-speed Net access and online telephone service. Those mergers,
acquisitions and consolidations would fit easily within the Shadowrun narrative.
By the middle of the 21st Century, explains Shadowrun's latest edition, "multinational megacorps pull the world's
puppet-strings to benefit their bottom lines ... The technology we depend on doesn't bring us together. Worldwide
communications net? Great idea, but not much use when half the population is zoned out on simsense chips and
the rest can't access a working data terminal in the slums where they're forced to live. The rich have gotten richer
and the poor more plentiful, so the wealthy barricade themselves in armed enclaves and leave the rest of us to
squat and rot."
The idea of the Shadowrunner in such a universe almost perfectly captures the worsening plight of the individual in
our own era, when family farmers, small businesspeople, software designers, individuals of all sorts are losing
opportunity to tell their own stories, shape their own lives and economic futures. In fact, "Shadowrunner" is a
perfect term for individualistic refugees in the Corporate Realm.
Today's Shadowrunners are mobile, as individualists of the future will have to be. They can count on having more
than one job, since they can never go along enough to satisfy corporate administrators. They will probably also live
in more than once place. They're likely to be discarded, downsized or re-engineered as a result of "flexible"
management philosophies and ever-shifting marketing goals. But even if they are allowed to remain, they are likely
to grow bored and frustrated, and passed over for promotion. As for the idea of living outside guarded, walled
enclaves, that's already more than a fantasy: Just visit Redmond (a name frequently invoked in "Shadowrun") for a
couple of days, or Silicon Valley (the epitome of the megacorp enclave from which average folks get driven out)
and the idea takes on real meaning.
The cyberware in "Shadowrun" even parallels recent advances in genetics -- advances which have drawn the
impassioned interest of biotech corporations moving to track genes in the name of improving humanity even as
they anticipate landmark profits. Cyberware consists of various technological implants, organ modifications, and
structural enhancements to the "metahuman" body that can improve a character's attributes and abilities.
There are other eerie parallels in "Shadowrun." Take the way lifestyle becomes a pressing economic issue. Game
players must purchase a character's opening lifestyle, which determines how comfortably the character lives. To
maintain that lifestyle once the play begins, characters make monthly payments. When a character can't pay, he
finds himself living a lower lifestyle. Sound familiar?
In other ways, however, Shadowrun doesn't bear much resemblance to our world. During the "Great Awakening,"
a turbulent period follows the corps' takeover of the world. The handbook describes it: "A long lull in the mystical
energies of the universe has subsided and magic has returned to the world. Elves, dwarfs, orks and trolls have
assumed their true forms, throwing off their human guises ... The many traditions of magic have come back to life
..."
But magic has become a casualty in the Corporate Republic. We already live in a world where culture itself is
mass-marketed by the corps, where opinion and social agendas are set by companies like Microsoft,
AOL/Time-Warner and the Walt Disney Corporation. None have a particular political agenda beyond the
subjugation of competitors, and the homogenized spread of information and entertainment to the greatest possible
numbers of consumers. That means safe, bland, palatable. It also means individuals either get co-opted or pushed
out of the creative process, since they tend to be unsafe, colorful, offensive. Magic doesn't work in focus groups
or corporate boardrooms any more than unconventional thinking. So work becomes routinized, creativity
repressed and stifled.
All corporatists have a shared goal: to give stockholders maximum rewards. That outweighs any other
consideration. Magic, the recourse of the idiosyncratic individual, is anathema to corporatism -- inherently illogical,
unpredictable, thus unprofitable.
Unlike the planet dwellers in Shadowrun, most of this country hasn't yet awakened to the fact that it's being
corporatized. We live in a distinctly unconscious civilization, where our own megacorps hae been allowed to grow
so quickly, and with so little thought or restraint, that they're already almost too powerful too curb or regulate. But
even some of our smartest citizens are in denial about this increasingly undeniable reality. After all, isn't
unemployment still fairly low and the Nasdaq once more on the rise? Politicians and cititizens appear to have
dozed right through the fact that small businesses are vanishing, that free speech is withering, that the political
system is being bought, that a once-free press is nearly completely in corporate hands. Even the country's most
prestigious colleges and research institutions are now dependent on corporate fund-raising.
Increasingly, technology is at the center of this conflict, as the Shadowrunners make clear. It's both the instrument
by which the megacorps dominate segments of society and the primary means allowing individualism to survive,
especially online.
The truth is, it's been decades since our world began changing beyond recognition. As a people, we are innovating
almost beyond imagination, spawning the Net, the Human Genome Project, quantum leaps in supercomputing. But
increasingly, we create for money rather than for the pure pleasure of bringing something new into the world. Our
best scientific minds are developing and marketing hand-held appliances that give humanity instant access to sports
scores and stock quotes. Rather than using technology to improve the lot of mankind, we are allowing it to
separate us even further from each other.
This, perhaps is the real challenge and the work of the Shadowrunner, to weave in and out of our increasingly
Corporate Republic, weaving through its databases, sharing technological discoveries and secrets, perhaps even
waging creative guerrilla war on behalf of the individual.
The Shadowrunners, in the game and in the world, are realists. They understand the nature of the world they live
in. They are what is perhaps the rarest of figures in contemporary American public life -- heretics.
Throughout history, the heretic was someone who demonstrated unforgivable intellectual arrogance by preferring
his or her own faiths, values and beliefs to those -- priests and monarchs, mostly -- who were "qualified" to make
pronouncements and declarations about matters of faith, morality and human values. Heresy was high treason,
committed against God or King, and almost always was punishable by death or torture.
But in The Corporate Republic, high treason is an anachronism almost never invoked, mostly because it's no
longer necessary. We don't need to pull people's fingernails out any more, or burn them at the stake. The heretic
today is marginalized without any bloodshed. He doesn't even take the risks the Shadowrunner takes. His teacher
and peers make him a joke in the classroom, and ignore or isolate him. His career is either destroyed outright, as it
being fired or demoted.
A generation ago, "Shadowrun" would have seemed a particularly geeky game, the obsessive fantasy of brainy
oddballs holed up in their bedrooms and basements. At the dawn of the 21st century, in the Corporate Republic, it
looms much larger, both a warning and a prophesy.
6-27-00
The Emp opening show was good. Metallica's set was only 50min ;( Rhcp were cool
and Filter played "Nice Shot". That was a good thing. Had a lot of fun the whole
trip. 
Getting a little anxious to do something out of the ordanary. Need to make some chash
first. Until then.
-erik
7-1-00
The killer awoke at dawn and put his boots on. He walked into the room where his brother
lay to say good bye. He then proceeded down the hallway. At the end waits his
parents' room. He stepped inside for one more time. They are sleeping on thier backs, both
looking at the celing through their eyelids, fearing the dawn. The sun had alread risen,
and the sky was a light blue smeared with pastel clouds. It is obvious that it is summer because the air only has the slightest chill. This time of year always conguers romantic
images of children playing, and relaxing in the shade. No time to marvle at the simplisity
of the time though, for more pressing matters loom.
Town is always quite this time of day. A few passing cars and the distant barking of a dog
are all that break the restrictive silence. Already the temperature was rising. Earliler
that month, the heat killed the last sense of well-being that he had. His last friend, the
only one who wouldn't betray him, had surcome to the heat. The harddrive had lost over half
the data in less than an hour. It had become trash. Now he is drifting to the only
only place he can think of... The car sitting on the corner with the "for sale" sign looked
as good as any other to choose from. He opened the unlocked door, tore the ignition wires
down, and crossed the yellow with the red. That was all it took.
On the way to the next town he took the "for sale" sign out of the window and checked the gas
guage. Whoever was selling this hadn't put enough fuel in it to even allow for a decent test
drive.
Who knows, maybe I will finish that story. It has potental. Probably end up showing the
man's hatred for suburbia. I am trying to find an older story I wrote allong the same
lines(even tho it was far more brutal and distrubing) with a friend, but I seems to have
disappeared from my harddrive. Probably from that crash that destoryed all my other old
stuff.. 
Still feeling the affects of that crash months later. I didn't even lose
that much data, just some old backup stuff, and other minor junk. Well, I am going to get
of and watch some tv now. Maybe I will allow others to add to this story if i can figure
out how to cross a message board and some custom cgi script.. there's an idea.
-erik
7-5-00
Insomenia is a bad thing. I know I should sleep, I want sleep, I need sleep, yet am I
sleeping? NO. It isn't for lack of trying though.
The fact I can see the refresh rate of my monitor is buggin the crap out of me. I look
around my foorm and I see this really fast strobbing effect. My eyes can still see both the
dark phase and the light phase clearly. On the subject of refresh rates, that is why I
got so many headaches at school, I could see the flicker of those old florecent lights. Very
glad they put ones with working phosphors in this year.
I was poor yesterday, today I received my checks, and got another pc order.. not poor now.
That put me in a good mood, then I realized I haven't slept much, and now I'm just a tad
tired. Learned a long time ago not to get angry when having trouble sleeping. Anger only
makes sleep more elusive.
If I am to avoid going broke again, I need more referrals... hope my article gets
approved.
Ah, the flicker is gone.. My eyes have been blugened to death by the radiation of my crt.
Much better. The room is a steady dark glow now. Beautiful lighting. Just enough to
see, but not enough to be sure of what you see.
And the clock keep ticking, so it goes.
Need sleep.
Want sleep.
No sleep.
Damn.
The moon is finally in the correct phase, the project will be concluded tomarrow. 
I miss the flicker now, it was interesting, the glow is boring.
My frickin shoulder is hurtting. Pain bad! Wish I knew when to quit so I would give
this stupid thing time to heal.
Sleep?
Purple.
I guess I will try the bed again, my chair isn't working.
-erik
Discuss this Journal entry [3]
Latest reply: Jul 16, 2000
My rantings part 4
Posted Jul 16, 2000
and you can let
it go. Then, boom, the apple is tested and isn't near as toxic as before thought. Now the
room is full of people, some of which are looking at this apple, and you are wondering if
you truly don't want the apple, or if you are still beliving your old lies. You also
wonder if the apple wants eaten, and if so, by who? Then you realize that you are thinking
about an apple that has caused you a lot of headaches, and you wouldn't have the guts to
eat it anyway. Plus it is a frickin apple, on a table, that isn't meant for you. Give
it up and move to the oranges already. But the oranges aren't as appitizing. Maybe you
aren't hungry after your small snack before dinner. Let the answers come, because
cahsing them in this case isn't going to do much good. But that was the wrong answer last
time. Should you stick with the same answer, or go to the last one that seems right?
Well, I'm tired now. Have to try and enjoy and excessively screwed up weekend. Should
prove very interesting.
5-1-00
I don't believe that there is any set pattern in behavior that won't be broken at least once
in a person's life.
I managed to equate love with disaster in a discusson with a friend. I was saying that love
is not just one magical state that you are in for an undertermined amount of time. It is
something that changes and is re-evulated very often. I have also said that change comes
out of disaster though. Change is the adaptation to that disaster, and an attmept to keep
that particular experience from re-ocuring. So, love is disaster. Damn, we are on
masochistic species.
5-9-00
I was walking at a moderate pace on my way home from something that had really
gotten to me. The stars were not visible through the clouds, nor was the moon. The
darkness was visible, for it was so thick and intrusive that the trees disappeared just a
few feet beyond the road. Distant thunder shook the ground, and the air had a charge; the
wind was blowing every direction at once. Even in the chaos, all was quite, except for a
distant growl. The growl was deep and drawn out. The thunder subsided to this growl.
Running was my first instinct, but I learned that following instincts isn't the best plan of
action in most situations like these. I simply kept walking, avoiding finding the eyes of
whatever could be lurking in the darkness. After several fearful moments had passed, I felt
that I was in the clear. Again I was moving at a normal pace and the sky was clearing.
Now the road was giving off a wispy steam, which flowed off into the brush, unstoppable and
unconscious of its surroundings. Up the road another mile or so, three sets of green eyes
were peering into the darkness that still shrouded the other side of the road. One or two
would flicker when the moment felt right. As I passed they all dispersed, making no noise
as they fled. Now I was at my driveway. The wind was gone and the moon was out. The
darkness has submitted to the power of the light emanating from the moon above. The fog had
also found better places to exist, for it was thinning. At my front door, I turned and
walked back into the night.
5-13-00
Boredom strikes again.
Taken to webhelp baiting.. Point in doing so is to figure out if you are talking to a real
person, keep that person talking as long as possiable, and trick the person into having a
conversation with you. It can be very funny. So far Joe is the best at it. He actually
has gotten them to get angry and show other out of the norm responses. I will dedicate a
section of this site to that activity when I get the ambition.
Today is Saturday. At noon I am going to go terrorize Lewiston. Should be fun.
Right now I am trying to remember how I got such a big scratch on my watch face. It is
annoying. Distorts the part of the screen that shows what month it is. I guess I should
find some silicon line fixer, to fill the scratch.
What else?
Have a chem presentation on Monday. I think I will just make it up as I go. Probably will
still manage to get an A on it. Wouldn't matter if I didn't I don't think.
Going to a Creed concert the 6th of June. Should be pretty cool. Will be the first concert
one of my friends has ever gone to.
Remind me to buy a mother's day present while I am in lewiston..
It is amazing how much I have learned in the last few months. It was like a whole different
life since around december. I know now how much I don't know. That can be summed up to
about everything. That is with a little rounding. Dosen't bother me though, because
everyone I know is just as ignorant. Just kind of "ouch".
I have been watching people a little more recently, just out of boredom. I think I have
found the ones who I want to get to know better, aka I don't understand them. That is a
major driving force behind who I am friends with. I don't like talking to the many
"transparent" people that there are. It isn't very interesting. Knowing what they are
going to say before someone says it makes life very booring. So, as I said, there are some
interesting people I have just got a chance to start to talk to. It is very exciting.
I have also just kind of given up on being lonely. I don't even notice any twinge of a
feeling of loss, or emptiness. Very good. Maybe I am done being a pathetic sap. That
means I am finally "better". That is a good thing. Means I am in control again. Also
means that I win. Don't know what I win, just know that I do. Don't ask, just a random
sensation that I got.
It truns out that some very odd/bored/wired people do read these rants. I don't know rather
to feel sorry for the ones who bother to read all this crap because they are that bored,
pathetic, or just lifeless. Just kidding, I know that the real reason you
read this is to find out when I am going to go postal, so you can avoid me..
I was just thinking, my computer hasn't crashed on me for a few days!?!?! I'm running
windows 98, that is just shocking.
WELL, (deep subject for shallow minds like yours) I guess that is enough for now. I am
tired of typing, and have too much I should be doing (but I am not going to do it).
-erik
[email protected]
"The order is bob, phil, george.. then jake"
5-16-00
Arg. I hate most people, and I again remember why. On average, people are stupid. They
may have redeeming qualities that some feel the need to look for, but not I. So one that
line of thinking, I hate you probably. But don't feel bad, because my opinion dosen't
count for much. In the long run it is completely worthless. So hell, stop reading this.
5-18-00
The life of Jack McFinny was a short but purposeful one. He was born in the
dark of night one a hot summer evening. The wind was blowing hard that night,
and the air smelled sweet with the scent of lilacs. He came into the world screaming.
Even before he saw life for what it was, he wanted to be put back. At the young
age of one, he had already accomplished much. Jack burned down his family's
old house and learned just how fun matches can be. He also managed to electrocute
himself and his dog; the dog died in that unfortunate incident. At the age of
ten, he understood the meaning of life; blow things up. Napalm had been fun
for burning things and making pretty flames, but one can only burn so much before
boredom sets in. Something more was needed; for the smell of gas had become
nauseating. Nitroglycerine, C4, and anything made with ammonium nitrates were
now the items of choice. Anything with an explosive velocity of less than 5000
feet per second were no longer fun at this juncture in his life. The ten years
Jack spent perfecting his explosive mixes were great fun. He could now harvest
C4 crystals by the pound in just less than two days. Life up to age 20 had been
quite entertaining. The heat that came off of some of his explosions was so
intense it would force him to rub his arms to find if they were still attached.
When one has such an outgoing attitude towards life, even large explosions became
less thrilling. The bright glow of the fire rushing in every direction from
an innocent looking device lost its effect after hundreds of such events. He
was bored again. Trees, rocks, stumps, and local billboards were all too easy.
Now a challenge was wanted, no, needed. What could he destroy, though? When
choosing between malls, state buildings, schools, or dams, which would make
the best target? At first he thought taking out a dam would be great fun. Standing
on the high ground while millions of gallons of water surge down, sweeping away
all of the clutter of modern life; now that would be grand. Seeing the faces
of the hundreds of people as a wall of water approached without any means of
escape or salvation would also be quite amusing. All they had worked for and
all they still dream of being snatched away in an instant. Then they would realize
their lives were not measured by what they were afraid of, or what they had
accomplished; what they were doing at the moment is the all important factor.
Enjoying every moment of this pathetic existence should be the only goal. They
refuse to admit that they can both be happy, and plan for the future, but this
single act of destruction and violence would prove that. A school also seemed
like an interesting target, but he felt the children should be allowed to learn
from the mistakes of their elders. So a school wasn't a very appetizing choice.
The bitter-sweet taste of accomplishment doesn't come when thinking about the
destruction of such a location; lucky little kids. Government buildings didn't
offend Jack very much; he has never seen the government as much of a threat.
Jack doesn't want to be a poser, so the government is spared for the time being.
The only other choice Jack had left was the mall. As more of the public is beginning
to believe, malls are evil. They are one of the biggest blisters in our society
today. All of the brainwashed Americans walk into a mall, wanting to get their
deals on Nike and on their Sony products, then proceed to indulge themselves
by eating the most unhealthy "foods" known to man. Given, it is nice to be able
to buy all your needs in a small location, but the effects of malls on society
were more than just obvious, they were distracting. In the end Jack knew the
choice fell between the dam and the mall. Up to the time of his death, he still
didn't understand why he chose the one he did. Maybe it was a greedy need to
clear such a blemish off the face of the land, perhaps he thought it would teach
people a lesson. No matter: he chose the dam. The mall would just have to wait
for another day. The dam wasn't really that tough of a target, being old and
worn out. The cement that kept the waters back no longer seemed apt to do so.
Five one pound blocks of C4 positioned in key locations should do the job and
then some. It is always better to overdo something than to have it fail. During
a night identical to the one on which he was born, he brought the C4 and timers
to within just feet of a door leading into the dam. There he buried it all in
a black garbage sack. He knew from a week of observation that in just two days
there would only be one security guard working the whole site. Then he could
place his explosive friends. Until then he could finish examining the blueprints
of the dam, deciding where best to place the C4. Exactly two days later he returned,
this time equipped with bolt cutters and a flashlight. The last time he was
here, he couldn't see well enough to even locate the outline of the hills on
the opposite side of the valley. The lock on the door made a seemingly loud
metallic clank as it hit the cement below. The inside of the dam was much larger
than it appeared on paper. After a few minutes of gaining perspective upon where
he was exactly, Jack had managed to locate each of the water drainage pipes.
He placed a package in every third pipe. The timers were all set to go off in
exactly three hours, right after the sun had risen. Jack hopped into his Jeep
and drove as far up the hill as the road would take him. Then he hiked to the
peak. There he sat down and waited for sunrise. His binoculars were waiting
for the moment in his lap. He knew exactly what he was going to do. Watch the
explosion, then focus on a person in a parking lot or a driveway as the water
rushed towards them. The sky was getting lighter by the minute. Just then a
voice from behind requested him to stand up. Jack was so startled by this he
not only stood, but jumped up. A large man in a plain gray uniform was pointing
a gun at his chest. Jack immediately remembered the detail he had forgotten.
Almost all federal structures have cameras monitoring them. He had been seen
entering the facility, and placing the explosives. He was quite shocked. How
could he be so stupid as a high school loser who couldn't even succeed in a
simple act of cruelty. This was the biggest oversight of his life, and he knew
he had failed. Still, he needed to see the results of his work. In an instant
he lunged for the gun, and was shocked to find a hole in his chest where there
had never been one before. Moments later he was dead. The workers of the dam
were evacuated except for a few brave men who were desperately trying to gather
the explosives and remove the timers. All but two had been disarmed. The one
in the middle of the dam was being pulled up on a makeshift hook as they both
detonated. The wall of water that came through the valley was amazingly beautiful,
much more so than Jack could have ever imagined. The helpless trees and houses
in front of the wall were swept away with shocking ease. Every house in the
town below was gone, and nothing more than mud and debris were left covering
the empty ground. The under-funded dams below the one Jack destroyed couldn't
withstand the amount of water that rushed to them. One after another, just like
dominos, the dams burst.
5-20-00
I see way too many phoneys in a day. Why can't people figure out that this life is much
more enjoyable if they are just their selves? Sure, maybe this person won't like you, or
maybe you will piss that person off. Who cares? If they don't like you for who you are,
then yoiu shouldn't waste your effort on them. Find people who actually give a rat's ass
about you. Sure those people are scarce, but hell, better than living a lie.
Also, what is up with this excessive politeness crap. If you don't like a person, tell them
so, or ignore them. I feel that politeness when it is underserved is just another form of
lying.. It is dishonest, and a large waste of energy.
Um, on another unrelated topic. Summer is nice. If only there wern't so much hanging over
my head at the moment, I would enjoy it.
5-21-00
Deceit. I understand some forms. At least the ones perpertrated against those who aren't
respected by you. I can't thing of more than a few times where I actaully deceived a person
for personal gain, and none of those were very harmful. I am more honest now, but don't see
anything wrong with the way I handeled the situtations of past. I would never deceive someone
I call a friend. Leading friends to believe one thing while doing another is just wrong.
How can you call them a friend if you can't be trusted to not be honest? You can't.
That leads into another thing I have been meaning to rant on for a while, flakeyness..
there are way too many people in this world who change their minds about things way too
much. I can understand a sudden change of heart when presented with proper evidence, but
to repeaditely flip-flop is annoying. That kind of ties into deceitfulness i guess. These
people may not be changing their minds much, just presenting infomation in filtered forms
to manipulate others for personal gain. Totaly dishonest. Something that bothers me.
Ah, the annoying personality trates we all share. Now I again, again remember why I dislike
people.
5-29-00
Well, tomarrow I go take the CompTIA Network + certification test. Should be fairly easy.
Got the chance to examine an interesting situtation recently. Too mature to date girls who
are in grades below your own (there are always exceptions, but they are rare), don't like
most of the girls in your grade, and don't have a snowball's chance in hell with the girls
in grades above. Really sucks.
Also am watching someone else fall into another relationship, seeming aginst the will of
said person. Of course it is very borken due to the fact one party lives somewhere distant
from other's location. And all this very shortly after said person just got through
expressing dislike of dating, and plans to avoid it for extended period of time. I would
normally try and claim to be the only sane person on the face of the earth after mentioning
such a fact but, I can't do so in this case. I myself don't quite know what I want yet.
Just going to let time do what it needs, and hope the end results are positive. Have options
that need weighed. Four to be exact. None of the options are any of your business, but I
quite need to type them out in some form to help me see the full perspective. The first of
course is to be reclusive and deal with the emptiness, which isn't really that bad. It is
very comforting to know you are the only person you rely on. The second is to try and
rebuild what was lost, but that isn't really an option because the weight of failure and
of the history that follows it. Plus there isn't anything wrong with the way things are at
the moment anyway.. If it isn't broke, don't fix it. The third is to persue a new goal.
Maybe the gamble would be fun, maybe it would pay off, or maybe it wouldn't. Don't quite
feel strongly (or strong) enough at the moment to bother with this one. And the fourth, and
really just thrown in because it is an option even though it isn't going to be figured in, is
to accept what is given to me freely, even though it goes against what I currently want or
believe. It wouldn't be using a person, because it is what they want, but still would be
completely wrong because it isn't what is wanted. So, after all of that I have just gone
back to the start. Time is all that will help. Some day I may be where I want to be, but
not given my current situtation. That meaning I don't have a clue where "I want to be" is.
where you
are going is are going is
where you where you
are going is are going is
where you
well, enough of that.
the sky is cloudy and the rain is coming down, hope all of you silly people who like rain
are happy...
6-3-00
Just killing time at the moment. Seems as if though everyone sucks. Want to do something,
but either get ditched, ignored, or turned away. Oh well, f**k you all. I will just sit
here and make an attempt at being productive. Well after typing this that is.
Family members annoy the crap out of me. They seem to want to walk into my room and chat
with me at the most inconvient of times. Then I lose track of what it was I was intently
working on before the inturruption because my memory sucks. Oh, not to mention they have
a habit of reading messages as they come in..
Been in a bad mood recetly. It is going away, but I see no reason for it to. Then again, I
see no reason for me to be in a bad mood to begin with. Bout the only thing I can even come
up with to explain it is the state of the relationships around me. That is a pretty weak
answer for a selfish person like my self though. I would say I feel cheated, but I really
don't. I would say it is my current status as single, but I don't think that is it either.
I guess, bah, no point analyzing something when there is nothing to analyze.
I do see things happening amoungst friends and others around me that I don't approve of. I
have no right to do/say anything about it, but I am in a little more of an aleart mode
because of it. Feel a small obligation to watch from the shadows just incase things turn
out for the worst.
Walk On By because of Something In The Way.
Spending 50$ on printer ink is sure hard on someone with no fixed income.. Guess I should
try and find some more putter work.. Can afford someone, and that is the baseline I don't
like falling below.
I'm bored as hell at the moment. Can't quite think of anything productive to do. I think
I will go on a hunt for interesting/entertaining things to do in small towns now...
and the world runs from you, the faster you run towards it.
-erik
6-4-00
For some reason the clock in my car says 6-6-00. Really confused me.
I had more I was going to say, maybe write a short story, or maybe tell what I am thinking
at the moment, but I realize that I can't write, and what I am thinking isn't improtatn, or
worht typing, or anyone's business. On that note.
Gdnt,
-erik
6-8-00
Went to Nickelback, Sevendust, Creed concert. It was good. A little quiet, but that didn't
hamper it at all. Sevendust put up a very good set.
I have several friends who say I am depressed. That got me thinking about it. I am not
depressed, I am simply not enthused by everything going on around me. I may not always be
happy and/or giddy, but I am usually content.
Guess I messed up with another friend. This is my final appology. Was a mistake in the way
I read things.
I've been posting rants since 2-26-00. Today is the 8th of June. That means I have only been posting these little windows into what ever I am thinking at the moment for less than
4 months. It seems like so much longer than that. I have learned so much in these last few
months I was believing thah I had been ranting for at least 8 months. I have gotten some
mail from complete strangers about these rants, I have received compliments, flames, and
some other random comments. I really like the random comments. Send me some more at
[email protected] please.
My rants have pretty much clamed down as well as my life in the last month or so. I don't
know when I will type a new one. I haven't had any ideas that I haven't already typed in
one form or another for quite a while. I am wondering if this is another section of my page
that is just going to slip into obsecurity, or if I will find a way to keep updating it w/o
the utter nothingness that it contains now. We will all see soon enough.
-erik
6-9-00
This sums up some of what I have been saying about where america is going.. and then it
goes farther. Give it a read, I may just be correct...
Posted by JonKatz on Thursday June 08, @10:38AM
from the games-and-prophesies dept.
A few years ago, the pen-and-pencil game "Shadowrun" would have seemed an especially
geeky fantasy. In the Corporate Republic, it looms much larger, both a warning and a
prophesy. Many of us are Shadowrunners now, many more are going to be in the 21st
century. Fifth in a series. (Read More).
"It's been forty-nine years since our world changed almost beyond recognition...As a people,
we innovate and create for money rather than the pure pleasure of bringing something new
into the world. Rather than using technology to improve the lot of mankind, we've allowed it
to separate us even further from each other." --- Shadowrun, Third Edition.
It's the dystopian future of 2026. Criminal subcultures flourish. Megacorporations have become the new world
superpowers. Executives and wage slaves hole up in heavily-fortified enclaves, while beyond the gated walls,
enormous throngs of outsiders fend for themselves. No longer mere flesh and bone, many people have turned to
the artificial enchancments of "cyberware" to make themselves something more than human, something other than a
machine.
Shadowrunners are the individualists who live on the margins, able to "slide like a whisper" through the databases
of giant corporations, spiriting away the only thing of real value -- information.
No wonder so many e-mailers, in response to my series "The Corporate Republic," urged me to get the
"Shadowrun" handbooks. It's jarring to come across this increasingly plausible vision of the future. In this
pen-and-pencil role-playing game -- part improvisional theater, part storytelling -- science fiction once more
mirrors the contemporary imagination and foreshadows what lies ahead.
Intentionally or not, Shadowrun is much more than a game. It reflects the attitudes and values of younger,
technologically-centered Americans. It may also project their futures, at least of the ones who are individualistic,
creative and discontented. How ironic that young gamers have sensed for years (the original Shadowrunner rules
were published in l989) what journalists and politicians still keep missing -- that life for individuals gets rougher by
the year here in the Corporate Republic. That a handful of megacorporations are becoming powerful beyond
anyone's control. That individualism is not only growing more difficult, but one day soon may actually be
dangerous. That this creeping reality has been a role-playing exercise for brainy kids for more than a decade is an
amazing thing.
"Shadowrun" is as much a political manifesto as entertainment, a social and political fantasy that feels increasingly
prescient. Shadowrun's creators saw the growing power of corporatism ( the forces of evil are dubbed
"megacorps.") They grasped its inherently amoral nature, its wanton invasions of privacy, its embrace of
technology and co-option of politics and culture; they anticipated the marginalization and isolation of individuals
who don't want to go or get along.
A lot of the people reading this are already Shadowrunners, or are about to be. For Corporate Republic
renegades, life is increasingly an adventure. Like the Shadowrunners, our lives are inextricably entwined with the
megacorps, our personal histories a string of confrontations and close encounters with the powerful entities that
dominate the world. Like the Shadowrunners, we face a lot of personal and moral decisions about how we live.
We might want to make money or challenge corrupt authority. Or, once we get a few "runs" under our belts, we
may wish, like the original Shadowrunners, "to find a lost love," or avenge [ourselves] upon a corporation" that did
us dirty. Perhaps taking direction from wise and experienced gamemasters, our goals and expertise will become
more focused and coherent over time.
The connection between individualism and Shadowrunning is irresistible, if you let your imagination sprint for a bit.
Individuals already shadowrun all the time in the current Corporate Republic. They grow up, using technology few
of their peers or authority-figures understand or approve of. Routinely hunted down, at least in the cultural sense,
they get accused of obsession, addiction, lack of social grace, even, increasingly, of murderous tendencies.
Everywhere they go, from their first arrival in most schools to their struggles in the workplace, they are confronted
with inverted values, with the corporatization of culture, the pressure to conform, to shut up.
The turning point, recounts the Shadowrun history, came during the "Apocalypse" (l999-2010) when two
Supreme Court rulings "set the stage for a world in which megacorporate octopi call the shots and use
shadowrunners like so many pawns in their games."
Here, too, fantasy and fact converge. The turning point for the modern real-world corporatism came in the l980s,
when government decided to de-regulate many industries at almost precisely the same time as new marketing
strategies and technologies were exploding, arming business with the ability to mass-market, monopolize and
globalize.
With government more or less out of the picture, and technology advancing rapidly beyond the consciousness of
politicians or journalists, it was open season for corporatists, many of whose companies have grown wildly
beyond anyone's expectations.
What's really remarkable thing is that Shadowrun was written before Microsoft sotware was in more than 90
percent of the world's personal computers, before five companies owned virtually all the radio stations in America,
before AOL/Time-Warner became the largest information entity in history, and before
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jul 16, 2000
My rantings part 3
Posted Jul 16, 2000
, and had figured there would be more people to
deal with than just him. Falcon Price ordered all the officers to follow
after the escaping men while Maggie ran as fast as she could over to where
PJ was lying. They had heard the gun shot as they were approaching the
property and as Ben and PJ were both lying on the ground it could have
easily been either of them who had been shot but without question Maggie's
first instincts were to run to PJ. He was still conscious and the only thing
he said before he fell into unconsciousness was "Maggs, I love you."
Tom had checked out Ben and told Falcon Price to call an ambulance
immediately when he saw the state PJ was in. Maggie sat next to PJ and
repeated over and over to him "I am so sorry PJ, I am so sorry, please don't
leave me now PJ, I need you, I love you too" with tears streaming down her
face.
* * * *
When the ambulance arrived in which seemed like hours to Maggie, PJ was
whiter than her tear smudged pale face. Most of the men had been caught and
were being taken back to Mt. Thomas and St. Davids for questioning. Ben had
regained consciousness by this stage but was still loaded into an ambulance
alongside PJ and Maggie who was holding on to PJ's hand and vowing never to
let go.
No matter what happened from this stage on Ben now realised how good a
friend PJ was and Maggie now realised who she had wanted and loved all along
and the difference between love and friendship.
====================================
http://www.akat.com/lovebook.html
and here is another opinion.
Well, i may continue this later.
g'day.
4-23-00
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Boredom is cool.
4-23-00 2
I am quite bored. It is easter today, and everyone I know is doing stuff. I have finished
all the work I have to do online, so I am not online right now. I would like to go be bored
at someone else's house, but they aren't home either. So I am reduced to typing random
crap and posting it on my website for no appeareant reason. Pathetic. I really wish that
school didn't start tomarrow, because I didn't get to do anything this weekend. I feel like
I have been jipped. There is no school next friday, which is good, but there is prom sat.
So eveyone is going to waste a bunch of money to go be at a lame dance, with someone, even
though that someone isn't even the person they would like to be with. It would take a very
special person to get me to waste a bunch of cash to go to something as lame as prom. I
think I will continue work on a little "project" that night. Maybe I will finish it so I
can show everyone finally. I thought I would be done with it years ago, but still haven't
quite gotten as far as I wanted to yet. I think I am going to be able to mark March and
April as the most infulental months of my life since I was about 5 years old. It is kinda
cool that they took place on the begenning of the year 2000, not that that means much, but
still... It is also really cool that so many other people that I know are changing their
personalities a little. Life is a lot less boring when you don't know what someone is going
to do next all the time. Maybe I am just a little out of practice, but I have been wrong
just as much I as I have been right in what I thought some people were going to do next. I
am very happy about it actually. Keeps me awake. The less I understand things, the more
entertaining they seem to become anymore. Think that is one of the forces that causes me to
choose the friends that I do. Not in all cases though. One of these days I will have to
figure out why I like the people I do. Too deep of a subject for today. Wonder what type
of revenge is going to be taken upon me. Should be interesting. I know that em isn't lame
enough to just make me stew, waiting for something that never comes. Plus I want the chance
to try out a new toy I am building. I hope I don't ever lose me mp3 collection. I have put
so much work into it, it really would be horriable to lose it. I probably should get a
faster burner one of these days and back the whole archive up on cd.
4-24-00
How much effort do you want to put into it? Are you willing to try
something out of the routen, and have to guts to accept what happens?
Is the pain and suffering worth it? If only these questions whould
have been answered sooner. But there is a thin line between bravery
and stupidity. Reconizing where that line is gets quite difficult in
some situtations. In others it is completely gone. I don't know if
all the choices I made were even close to the ones I should have made,
but I can't change them. Either way I learned a lot. More than I
could have ever hoped to learn. I guess that means that I didn't fail
as badly as it feels I did. Now I know that there are more shades of
grey than I have seen before. Perhaps I won't screw up as badly next
time. Perhaps I will understand that I have to put more effort into
something so important to me. Perhaps I will put that effort out.
Maybe it will be understood just how much of a struggle for me all of
this was. The total fear and shock of losing ones only sacred safe
place. Losing control of even ones own thoughts. One of the most
frightening and exciting experiences of my life really. So the
results of all the thought and hesitation come out well below what was
wanted. All isn't lost. Too bad I still haven't recovered fully.
This is still the only situtation I see time as my friend instead of
my most hated of enemys. The images will always remain intact I am
sure. They are so elaborate. And I get to look at them any time I
need to. The world seems larger now. Maybe because it is becoming
more avaiable to me, or maybe because I can accept the fact that it
is so large. I can also accept the fact that each person has lived a
life that has been just as full as the next. That each person can see
something in another that most people over look. That I may not see
what the others see, but it is there. That people live their lives
even when I don't see it. I don't feel like I understand anything as
well as I once did either. It is all a little more mysterious again.
Even the people closest to me have become more varied, and a lot less
transparent since last time a looked. Sure there are those who never
seem to hid their thoughts, and there are times I can still see the
thoughts of others just as plain and I see this monitor. It has all
become a little more exciting again. It is like coming back to a
town that you haven't live in for a long time. Most of the stuff is
famililar and barely changed, but then there are these big differences.
Maybe I finally found where I hid the suit that is my
life, and put it back on. It sure fits different now. Guess it is
time I had some alterations done to it. Not too hastely though. Haste
makes waste, as the old addage goes. The path has been selected, it
is now just a matter of following it untill there are some forks in
the road. How to fill the time in transit? Another question that
only time will tell.
4-27-00
Watched "Fight Club". It was also an awsome movie. It was said that I have stated the fact
that you aren't truly free untill you have lost everything in one of my previous rants, but
I am too lazy to make sure. I agree though. You have to hit bottom, lose it all, before
you can begin. Remember that there is no set bottom though. The worst point in your life
is bottom for you. There is an infinant number of numbers between 1 and 0, just as there
is an infinant number of bottoms for a person. By the end of your life, you will
experience many. I recently hit my bottom. I look forward too the next time. That way I
will know that it will be harder to reach the new bottom of my life.
Ironary (can't spell) is sometimes annoying. Here is an example. There is an apple
sitting on a table in the middle of this room. You can walk over and take a bite out of
the apple anytime you want. Then you are told that the apple is dangerous to your health,
and dosen't want eaten. You give up and convince yourself that you don't want the apple
anymore. You are now happy with the fact that you don't want the apple, and yo
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jul 16, 2000
My rantings part 2
Posted Jul 16, 2000
in life, she didn't
want to have to deal with the death of some guy she didn't even care
for anymore. He annoyed her at best towards the end. She had lost any
hope that the human race could be worth the effort it took to get out
of bed in the morning.
Perhaps if Diana wouldn't wake up to a horrid buzz of an alarm clock
every morning, she would be in a better mood to face the day. Perhaps
if the world didn't exist, Diana would be in a better mood.
Does everyone feel lonely? Is there a reason that we all seem to need
someone, even though some of us hide the fact so well? Is that reason
just purely because of some genetic coding that says we need a mate,
to continue the human race? Is that so wrong?
http://www.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm go there for some
people's views on the meaning of life. One of the better sites I have
found trying to find answers to no questions.
Decide to be happy. That sounds like good advice.
i don't think we will ever know if we ever experienced happiness in our
lives. that makes me laugh. a struggle to grasp something that we
are not even sure what.
Ticking away waiting for the phone. A call that will begin the day.
Watching the clock move round and round. Wondering why I'm all alone.
Where is the fun waiting to pay. Only hearing the baying of a hound.
Ticking away hoping for a ring. The message that you have something
to do. Wondering why I'm still at home. There is always the
possibility of a fling. Allowing life to bring you something new.
Still traped against your desire to roam.
Diana's day is already half over. She still just mopes in bed, hiding
from her life. Waiting for something to make her better. She knows
that she has to take what she wants, it just dosen't seem worth the
bother at this moment.
A lone slice of pepperoni sitting amongst so many others. On top of
melted chese and tomato sauce. Riding in a box, toward a destination
with an end that never comes. The light pours in and the slice of
pizza this piece of pepperoni gets eaten. The atoms of the pepperoni
are later found distrubited in a sewage pond miles away.
At least Diana isn't hungry anymore.
So it goes, the most annoying phrase aside from any thing to come out
of wrestling. So it goes.
Here is a little something seperate I wrote out of boredom:
Stupidity is a disease. It isn't spread like a cold, it is contracted
in poor home environments, underfunded schools, and genetic mishaps.
It is semi-cureable though. THere are actually two cures; Death, or
proper education by parents and/or schools. Given the fact that your
partnet and your teachers are probably stupid, it is quite hard to
gain access to the second cure. So, in conclusion, kill yourself and
save the world from this dreaded disease!
I have always thought I was smart, and the world was stupid. That I
was right, and the world was wrong. Now I see how close to correct
that view is. Your reality is the only one that counts. My views are
the correct ones for my situtation. They are the best I can use in my
life.
I find it sad that most people are limited by a need to have someone to
be with. Someone who shares their views, cares about how they are,
is willing to be close to them both mentally and physically. This need
is very annoying. It makes people miserable for no reason but to make
them miserable. I'm not sure if there are people out there who can
completely ignore this need. If so, I envy them.
Diana awoke to the same buzzing sound of her alarm clock. Nothing had
changed, but she felt a little better. One of gods made her get
moving. She had to go to work today or she will get fired. She
wouldn't mind getting fired, but she needs to money to survive. Money
dosen't buy happiness, but it helps it come. On the bus she remembered
that today was also the day that her dog gets out of the vet's. She
has to pick him up after work. Must remember, the charges for keeping
a pet are too high to leave him over night. At work the same drudgery.
Stick the head on the doll, adjust it, set the doll down, grab new
doll, stick the head on the doll, adjust it, set the doll down, gr..
It was maddening. She had developed a small form of carpal tunnel
syndrom, and a large form of hate for her life.
The cage is cold, and the water had tipped over quite awhile ago. Cold
and wet, Rodger layed in the corner waiting for his owner to save him.
Why he ever had to come here and get "fixed" is beyond his grasp. All
he knows is that he is a little angry about something.
Finally, the job is done for the day. The assembly lines have all
stopped moving, and the workers are streaming out. Diana again catches
a bus, but this time arrives at the vets office. She pays the lady at
the desk, then follows a guy to a back room. There is Rodger, laying
in a pool of water and shivering. When the cage door opens, he moved
out of the cage faster than she has ever seen him move before. He
knocked her down, then stood on top of her licking her face. The man
helped her to her feet.
Back at home, everything seemed the same, though things are different.
People have grown a little. They understand that life isn't to be
taken so seriously. Enjoyment of life is a fundamental right of all
people. For some, contentment can come out of starting at a wall
while in the company of people that are worth a lot to that person. For
others, something more is needed.
Change is a scary thing. It usually only comes about when there is a
disaster of some sorts. Change is the adaption to that disaster, to
help avoid it from happening again.
When I feel I have ran out of things to say, I will stop ranting.
Ten foot flames are cool. They give light, warmth, and something to
gawk at. They are even more cool when friends are around to witness.
I sometimes go aginst everything that I have said and wish for things
to be different. It annoys me. I can't even follow a simple rule I
try and live bye. Oh well. No harm done I guess.
So it goes.
Diana will continue living her life. She will eventually fall in love
(or what she feels is love, which is differnet each time she feels
what she believes to be love) with the guy she met in vet's. They will
marry and have children. She will quit her job to stay with the kids
untill they are grown. Then they will move out and she will have all
this free time with her husband (Bill). They will realize that how
they felt for each other is completely different now. That they were
not in love for the last few years of thier lives, but it won't matter
to them. They are best friends, and don't want to be seperated from
each other. Bill of course fears his wife will fall in love with
another and leave him. He fears that his best friend will start
playing in the playground with someone he dosen't know. That he will
again be alone and empty. Diana, an old woman now, wonders what her
life could have been like. If she had avoided marriage, love, or a
family. Would her life be more exciting? Would she be happier? Who
is to know. This is the path she has chosen and it is the one she is
stuck on. Perhaps her life would've been far worse. Either way it was
her life, and she lived it the way she believed she wanted to live it.
Each decision she made, every time she pushed for this or that, and
every thing that has happened in her life brought her to this point.
It may not be that there is a such thing as fate, but when you see
things that can't be changed; fate is a good way to lump it all into
one simple, four letter word.
Bill on the other hand has always been the type to look forward. He is
not worried that his life was wasted, or that he should have done this
instead of that. He is just wanting to make a profit, be happy, and
not lose what he has already gained. He is living his life like it is
still going to happen.
One looks forward and the other looks back. It is amazing that they
ever see eye to eye. Maybe in the future they will just enjoy the
present for all it is worth.
Contol, understanding, power, importance, and ambition are all very
closely related. Only one is needed to begin though.
honesty is the foundation of everything.. if there isn't honesty in a relationship, there is no point.
=======================================================================
About this rant, and the author.
Hello, I am Erik ([email protected]). I do most of the things that
I get done when I am bored. It is in an attempt to end the boredom I
guess. Like stated before. This rant has no reason for being. I
enjoyed flopping some of my views in a form outside of my thoughts for
a change. I will also append anything else I think of for the week to
this. This is version 1.1 of Erik's Rant.
Thanks,
-erik
4-9-00
First off, I didn't expect to even add to the collection of ranting I
have done so soon after my big rant. Second, I still don't have
anything new to say.
I did acheive one of my goals in life today. I wasted a good part of a
day doing something completely inane on my own terms to the largest
extent possiable. A friend even joined me.
American Beauty was a good movie. It shows something I think everyone
should see. The truth about "normal" family life. Even better was
the plastic bag that was blowing in the wind. It was the best analogy
for life I have seen in a while. The bag may even believe that it
controlled where it was going, but we know better. The winds of life
are by large out of our hands. We can't control most of our lives. I
recently learned that we can't even control our own thoughts. It was
very frightening to me. I have always been in control of at least my
own mind.
I am in need of advice that I can only give myself. Too bad I am too
stupid to know what advice to give. I am stuck in the most unplesant
wind that is blowing. A very thin line that either needs to be crossed
or completely avoided has arrived. The positives and negatives on each
side of this line are so unpredictable in the long run that I can't
even make an educated guess. I do know that not crossing the line will
keep things the way they are and probably be less painful for those I
care about, but I don't think I want to stay on the side I am on now. I
am not even very worried about how bad I am going to get hurt at the
end of it all, because I think something will survive. Too bad I am
a frickin chicken. Oh well, tonight isn't a good one, but most aren't.
As things are, they stay. As things were, they are. As things will
be, they were. It is just our perception of it all that changes. Our
way of either hiding from what might be the truth, or trying to face
what we think is the truth.
Perhaps one of these days I will run out of things to say and I can
stop ranting, but I don't think that day will ever come. Dreaming
about the future is only a waste of the present.
4-12-00
Another day. Haven't learned anything new about life for a while. I
was quite shocked to receive an e-mail complimenting our quake 2 mod,
Dark Chaos. The author was asking if there is a verson for ctf. Of
course there isn't give we are not that great at coding, and not even
ambitious enough to work ok Q3DC recently. Wish I had more time to
put into developemt for quake 3. Seems that even though I don't have
any real jobs, play any sports, have any sort of a life, or have a
girlfriend to worry about, I don't have enough time to do all that I
want to do in a day. I don't watch that much TV either. It is really
annoying. I still believe that school is 90% a waste of time. I think
I learn in only 2 classes on any given day, and I could teach myself
most of that at home in less time. It is so sad to have to throw away
some of the most awsome years of my life at school.
4-16-00
There is nothing to be said. I have said it all at least twice, probably
more. School is boring, life dosen't start for another six years, and I
am just as depressed as the rest of you poor saps out there. Torn
between wants, needs, and hopes, all I can do is wait. Sit here hoping
that this worthless ranting of mine will clear my head, end the looping
thoughts. No matter how much one tries to be better than the rest, at
the end of the day all that seems to matter is if you enjoyed it. You
are not better than others, and they are not better than you. Once as
many of the possiable factors are factored in, we are truly equal as
people. All of us are stuck in this mess, trying to find reason and a
way to be happy. Some of us see one part of the picture, others see
another. Some of us are striving for happiness, others are striving to
survive. I am one of the lucky ones to have a comfortable life, where
I can sit around and type worthless crap like this. I have changed my
focus from the meaning/reason/purpose of life to how to enjoy it. So
far I have found that every situation starts out nutural, then turns
toward how it is perceived. For two people, one day that was perfect
for the first, really sucked for the second. Even if they went through
the exact same experiences for that day, everything before that affects
how the perceive that day. The web of old emotions, memories, and
experiences make up who we are. We just add to the
collection of knowledge and try to make a better choice next time.
Each person has lived an equally unique life. That is what makes
people so interesting. The end result of their personality is something
that is so complex there is no way to unravel it. That brings up the
topic of lonelyness. Seems to go hand and hand with being happy. If you
are lonely you are not as happy as you could be. (happiness is
satisifaction with your life as is at the moment, by the way) I don't
know why we need to have someone who truly wants to be near you as much
as you want to be near them. It is very annoying. Maybe it is a
biological need to reproduce, or something more mental, but it exists.
The sad thing about lonelyness is that it only gets worse once you find
a person who has a personality that truly is great, but dosen't share the
same opinion of you. Not only do you have to get over the person, you
also have to grapple with the fact that you now know that there are
people out there that make your day/life/existance better. Now there is
also this emptiness that is always there that you know you may never fill,
but then yell at your self for being so melodramatic. It is pointless to
try and find that person, you must let chance do it's thing.
Oh, no sleep for many hours is bad. Think I go to sleep n
4-19-00
Continuing from the 16th...
I am not near as depressed or tired today. I am angry that I am going
to be losing one of my best friends this summer, as well as another
really cool person.
...It seems that I can't rant when happy, so I am going to give up for today.
Continued from the 17th...
Today I have a feeling I started a very interesting war.
Continued from the 18th...
Well this is going nowhere. I am just going to upload this crap now and wait
for worse days...
4-22-00
Loneylness. I was going to try and define it then a friend pointed out the fact that
that would be quite impossiable.
Thanks for making this point evil edna..
lonlyness is a different concept for different individuals therefore you can only define it as something it is meant to you...all feelings are very subjective..
hum, that is a cool way of looking at it.
I find that lonelyness is more like a feeling that everyone around you is so tied up in
their lives, yours just isn't able to be worked in. Not having at least someone who will
be able to sit and listen when you have a problem, or not having someone that you know
trusts you fully. so ya, lonelyness to me is this kinda empty, missing someting feeling.
On to friendship now..
Friendship
1. Two lonely people looking for another of like mind; able to tolerate
solitude and tune into the prescence of the I.I.; able to experience the
lonelyness and grow; Able to be all they can so they are ready for the
other, the soulmate in liketime.
2. My best friend is always remembered long after the great problems
and deeds of the day are finished.
3. Friends is all!!
4. More than just friends- friends with out the just and involved in
seeing the best for the other.
5. People think like their friends.
6. When true friends meet again even after years it is as though they
said goodby only yesterday.
7. Through the barriers of space and time friendship forms a bridge to
a person's soul.
8. You are always at your own home when you visit a friend's house.
9. Strange how the growth and spiritual development of a friend are
acceptable no matter at what rate or what direction-the love is for
their essence not the rate or direction of their growth.
10. You are my friend and I like who I am with you!
11. Let me help you divide up your problems and multiply our fortunes.
12. You called and I listened and it was good(for you and me both).
that was coppied from http://www.tartaglia.com/pages/friendship.html It is kinda lame little set of views of friendship, but i still deemed it worth shoving in this rant.
Again with the thought in mind that a feeling is something that is very specific to each
individual, I am having a hard time making a line between friendship and love.
The Difference Between Love and Friendship
By Christine
Please mail any feedback for me to:
[email protected], I'd love to hear what others think, and thanks for
reading my fanfic!
*Note* Disclaimer's notice is written at the end of the fanfic.
Copyright 1999.
Maggie stood still as her eyes continuously scanned the room, caught on the
glimpse of a small fly as it darted from one wall to another. Through the
steam she carefully watched as the fly landed on the moist roof and almost
as quickly left it and headed unknowingly in the other direction. Only half
aware of the warm water trickling over her head, down her wet hair and
through to the sides of her body, her mind was drifting somewhere else as
she watched the small insect. As she reached for the shampoo the fly circled
above her head and she thought of all the ways she seemed just like this
little fly, so unknowing in the world, having a blurred sense of direction
as if she was always looking through the steam. She had entered an unknown
world, without knowing the right direction. Was pulled in by the temptation
of curiosity and now did not know the way out. Although as she began to turn
off the shower taps she brought herself back to reality but the thoughts
still loomed in her mind, which to her dismay clearly told her that it
wasn't just a fantasy.
Dash was at her mum's place this very night and so Maggie was home alone,
although there was no sign of the usual detective who evidently always
seemed to 'pop round' when Dash is out for the night. It was late and so
after Maggie finished her shower she headed straight for her lonely bedroom
only to be greeted by the cold sheets that lie neatly on her bed and no
other body to help warm them up. Maggie climbs into bed even though her
active mind is not ready for sleep yet. Thoughts, visions of right and wrong
flash by her as she lies with too much time to think. When finally her mind
and body settle down to sleep she dreams of the two people responsible for
this mess or as the dreams question, joy? The visions of PJ and Ben that
just don't seem to leave her alone but somehow keep her relaxed throughout
the night.
* * * *
Maggie arrives early for work the next morning only to be surprised as PJ
walks out of his office to greet her.
"Maggs, how are you?" PJ says as casually as possible.
"Fine, I had a great night" Maggie says.
PJ detects that Maggie is lying but the only reply she gets from him is
"oh."
It all started a couple of days ago when Maggie began to doubt her
relationship with PJ. This of course was caused by a certain Senior
Constable, Ben Stewart, when he decided to give in to his feelings and make
his move on Maggie. Ever since that date with Ben Maggie's mind has been a
complete mess. She's scared she is going to loose her best friend and isn't
sure if she wants to loose probably her best lover she ever had, all because
she helplessly took a liking to fresh blood. Fresh blood that she must admit
to her self she liked the taste of, but it wasn't PJ and quite frankly she
didn't know if she wanted it to be. PJ had always been there for her and she
loved him, she just didn't know if she loved him enough. As Maggie sat at
her desk her thoughts are cut short as the second of her problems walks in
the door to the station and the ever so open door to her heart and greets
her.
"Hey Maggie," Ben looks carefully around the station before continuing.
"Where were you last night, I was trying to call you."
"Oh, I was just having an early night" Maggie lies.
At that moment the rest of the station's colleagues enter and Ben quickly
concludes, Ok, we'll talk later."
"Yeah OK" Maggie replies, her mind not really concentrating on his words as
she continuously stares at the door to her detective's office. Her? Or was
he still hers and did she want him to be?
"Maggie, you alright?" Dash comments as she happily strolls in and sees the
glazed look on Maggie's face.
"Yeah I'm fine" Maggie lies once again.
"You just looked a bit out of it" Dash comments.
"Just thinking, did you have a good night?" Maggie quickly changes the
subject.
"Yeah it was great, what about you huh?" Dash says as she cheekily grins in
the direction of PJ's office.
Maggie's only reaction is to roll her eyes as she gets started on her work
for the day. Dash evidently gets the message as she too heads for her desk
without her usual nagging questions of curiosity.
* * * *
Maggie avoided the pub that night despite Dash's suggestions that she is
loosing touch with her social life, and went straight home. She wasn't ready
to face PJ and Ben both looking to her for answers at the one table and to
not be able to return the gazes. Little did she know that Ben had actually
intended to tell PJ this very night about him and Maggie and unknowingly
spoil every last hope for PJ and Maggie. Maggie had told PJ that she just
needed a break from their relationship; time to think- what she didn't tell
him was her "time to think" included a date with Ben. Ben didn't want to
intentionally destroy PJ and Maggie's relationship, he just couldn't stand
keeping it a secret from PJ anymore and he honestly thought that Maggie
would feel the same, little did he know at this time Maggie was having
another unsettled night's sleep thinking about what she had done to PJ and
trying to decide who she really had feelings for.
* * * *
They had been at the pub for quite a while now. Dash and Jack had left to
begin their night shift and Tom had retired for the night. PJ was just about
to do the same when Ben finally faced up to the fact that he had to tell PJ
the truth. He knew that it would do major damage to their friendship but it
was for PJ's sake more than anyone's and he knew it was either now or never.
"Um……….PJ could I talk to you for a minute" says Ben in a tone that only
would be used when you are about to break your best mate's heart.
"Benny boy, haven't we been talking all night, I gotta get home otherwise
I'll never get up in the morning." PJ replies on a much lighter note,
ignoring the serious tone of Ben's voice.
"I went on a date with Maggie" Ben blurts out before he has even realises he
had said it.
PJ pauses for a second as the look of confusion slowly spreads across his
face before he manages to say "You what?"
"There's something there PJ and I thought you should know" Ben concludes.
PJ was stunned, he knew Maggie and himself were going through a rough patch
but he never ever suspected an affair, especially not with his best mate. He
was immediately overcome with every possible emotion; anger, pain,
embarrassment, helplessness, resentment and sadness all combined with the
fear of loosing his one and only true love. In the midst of all this
confusion he was speechless. Ben desperately wanted him to say something but
he just looked at Ben with that look of 'how could you' and turned to walk
away. He bypassed his car and just kept walking ignoring Ben calling from
behind him to wait and the urge to get in his car and drive straight to
Maggie's house; he just kept aimlessly walking.
* * * *
Ben had gone back to the pub and up to his room, but as he had expected
there was no chance of him falling asleep. He was sure that what he had done
was the right thing but the look on PJ's face seemed to challenge his
sureness. He was so wound up on the idea that Maggie had shown signs of
feeling the same way about him as he did about her that he hadn't even
considered how much PJ and Maggie had been through together and just how far
their love went.
After enough tosses and turns to make you seasick he eventually decided to
try PJ's remedy and he made his way down the stairs to take a walk outside
(Chris had given Ben a key to the main pub doors as he could be called out
on duty anytime). The first thing he noticed was PJ's car still sitting
deserted in the car park and came to the conclusion that he must have
eventually walked home. From that stage the last thing he could remember was
a man's voice coming from behind him saying "I know you know something,
don't you?" and a cold object being held to his neck.
* * * *
15 minutes before hand…
PJ had gone home but he too couldn't sleep and so he decided to go and get
his car, he knew it was a stupid idea to leave it there in the first place
but at this time avoiding doing stupid things wasn't at the top of his
priority list. All he wanted to do was go to Maggie and get her side of the
story but after many role-plays of the situation in his head he still
couldn't find the right words to say to her. He continued to ponder over the
situation as he made his way back to the pub's car park. He stopped when
something caught his eye. From the distance he was at it looked like two
figures, one standing behind the other and just as he thought there was
nothing unusual about that one of the figures hit the other over the head
with some sort of object and as he moved closer PJ realised it was Ben who
was now being dragged into a car. At that moment all the resentment that he
felt towards Ben left him as he ran as fast as he could to his car and
started the engine while calling Jack and Dash who were on night duty.
Present time…
Jack and Dash were cruising the outer suburbs of Mt. Thomas when PJ alerted
them and they were going to be a while before they could get on the trail of
the car. PJ wasn't ever one to wait around, especially when another officer
was involved, even more especially when it is his mate. He hit the main road
that leads out of Mt. Thomas and there he spotted the car once again. He
kept Jack and Dash informed on the whereabouts of the vehicle as he
continued to follow the car until it suddenly stopped out the front of an
old farm property just out of Mt. Thomas. PJ watched as the about 6 foot
high, average weight, balding man dragged an unconscious Ben through the
gates of the property. Despite the objections of Dash, Jack and now Tom who
had been informed, PJ followed. He managed to stay out of sight while the
man lead him to a barn round the back of the house where a few other men
were stationed. He was trying to keep his eyes firmly placed on the men and
wasn't watching the ground below him when a large shovel came crashing down
with a loud thud, PJ had stumbled upon it. At this stage all the men turned
and focused their attention on PJ, who was out in the open with nowhere to
run. Then almost immediately the sounds of sirens could be heard in the
distance but moving closer at a rapid pace. The man that was dragging Ben
panicked when he heard the sirens and realised that PJ must have given the
cops the lead. With nothing on his mind but escape the man fired a shot at
PJ and yelled at the rest of the men to run. All of the men scattered and it
was all over in an instant. The bullet had hit PJ before he had even
realised that the man was carrying a gun and he was bleeding heavily from
the chest while lying on the ground. Jack, Dash, Tom, and Maggie, who had
also now been informed, came a moment too late followed by some other
officers from around the district and Inspector Falcon Price. They had found
out whom the car was registered to, a major drug dealer from Queensland whom
Ben had been investigat
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jul 16, 2000
My rantings, part 1.
Posted Jul 16, 2000
Here are my rantings as of 7-16-00
The complete list is at
http://www.fortunecity.com/skyscraper/memory/52/ramble.html
2-26-00
If you are reading this you are probably a very bored person. I, being a bored person myself, wrote this one late night because I couldn't sleep. I also stuck some
text in it from other stuff I have written that follows the same situation. Well enjoy, and please feel free to tell me how screwed up you think I am.
-Erik
See what happens late at night, when someone (me) is very pissed at multiple things at once... I wrote this some time in early '99
anyone want to sell me some cheap anthrax? i beieve that the only way to fix this stupidity is to use selective methods and kill anything with an IQ below 120. this is
going to require the help of many people but i believe this goal could be achieved. there would have to be some unwated causalties when the larger cities were wiped
out, but oh f***'n well. hell, to think of it, lets just kill everything possiable. that is what is happening anyway. Why bother to stop a process that we started? if we
are stupid enough to kill our selves. GOOD. we should all die then. it is like i said today. i wanted to stay where i was and waste my life in the way i wanted to waste
it. of coures some other stupid person decided i should waste my life in the way they see fit. i didn't give a flying **** about that **** play,it was good, but I don't
even like plays, so why should i sit there and be complety boored wasting my life in the way some other b***h sees fit? back to anthrax- i see no real reason to have
to put up with so many people just wasting there time wasting mine. This is extreamly selfish and hippocritical(i can't spell) but **** them all. this planet sucks and i
think if there is a god, our purpose was served long ago. we are just leftovers and just rotting in the trash waiting to be burned. another one deciding our fate for us.
the sad thing is that it would be a lot eaiser to build a doomsday amry than to fix any problems. ****.
Here is a project I did another late night, the only time I do things.
Erik's Method of Life.
Life is what you make of it. There are no tricks, secrects, or shortcuts.
Having said that, I would like to attempt to relay to you, person reading this, how I choose to live.
I have never attempted to put this togeather in any form that makes any sense before, so I am just going to throw ideas out as they hit me. It is going to be
disorentating and a little confusing, but that might be what helps you see what I am driving towards.
1. View of Self
How you view your self is very important, and difficult.
You have to form an accurate image or you will just be diluting yourself. Trying to live a life other than your own is just stupid. It is a waste of your time.
You have to form an accurate image or you will just be diluting yourself. Trying to live a life other than your own is just stupid. It is a waste of your time.
Use what others think of you to get personal gain. A.K.A. Figure out who likes you for you, and if they will still be there for you in a bind.
Be someting that is semi-consistant to understand what you can be. That way when you have to, change personalites to get out of any sort of jam that you could be
in.
Take some sort of third person standpoint to see what you are dooing and saying. This will help you become more aware of your self.
2. Have a goal.
It dosen't matter what your goal is, just have one. That way you can at least feel you are accomplishing something. Some days that is all you have.
3. Others
This is a broad topic...
I only have 3 things I try and remember when dealing with others.
Only screw them over if you can get away with it, AND not feel guilty in the morning.
Let them feel that their views are as valid as your own. (I suck at this one)
Don't believe much of what they say, unless you know that you can trust them. Even if you do, don't let it affect you in a way you don't want.
4. Life is a GAME
People don't seem to accept this one.
The biggest point I can stress here is: DON'T TAKE THINGS TOO SERIOUS! Some things should be dealt with properly, but only to the extent of it's
requirements. If you do, you are just making life harder and more stressful.
Try and enjoy the ride. If you don't have much money, or if you are rich; find something that is enjoyable and do it.
5. Use Common Sense
Think about what you are going to do before you do it. And do what makes sense. Oh and if you don't know rather to say no or yes, say NO. It is the less
regreatable of the two.
Email me your thoughts, comments, opinions, or anything else at [email protected].
Go to my site here.
I don't attempt to claim to know anything special or useful. This is just something I did out of boredom to maybe help
someone and/or myself. I am still in the works on this, so bare with me.
© Erik 1999
I defiantly had too much free time that night. If you are still reading this, you must know me, or am trying to figure out where I live, so you can avoid me
I think people need something to believe in. Take religion, it has no scientific basis, yet many believe. There is no way that some of the claims in the bible ever took
place in they way presented, nor that there is a heaven or a hell. I would like to be able to believe in these claims, but has I learn more and see the world more
clearly I realize that it religion is just a fantasy that people grasp onto because they need something more in their lives. We are so diluted that we need to feel part of
something bigger. I don't claim to know the answers to such questions like how did life start or why are we hear, or how did the universe begin, or even rather time
is to be interperted has a loop or a straight line. I am just saying that latching on to something as far fetched and unsupported as religion is stupid. Religion is a form of
control, and the control is self imposed. Take the 10 commandments. They are all basic rules that most people believe are needed to build and maintain a society. I
say that those basic rules are needed, and I like having rules. The rules we live by should be self imposed. Those are the ones we respect and follow the best. If you
have to have rules forced upon you, you are probably not worth the ground you are on.
I wrote this one after I was told that I have no morals
Morals are what we see as a fit code to follow our lives by, and keep others on our side. Most people determine their morals by how they would like the world to
treat them. My morals are as follows:
Menchite is very important. If you can't be trusted by your fellow man you are not worth crap. I am a very trust worthy person. A lot of people don't believe me
when I tell them that the can trust me, yet they can rarely come up with an example of when I have be untrustable.
Help people when they truly need it. I'm not saying help them with simple stuff, which I normally don't, but if they need help and you can give it, do.
Don't regret your past. It can't be changed, so why beat yourself up over it? I try my hardest not to regret my past, even though there is a lot to be regretted.
Enjoy life. This doesn't seem like a moral but I needed to slip it in somewhere. We are all stuck on this planet so enjoy the ride.
3-1-00
Today is march the first. The first day of the month of march. The first of march, the third month of the year 2000. The first day of the third month of the 2000th (actually wrong number) year. Yea.
Tell me this. Does time have a beginning? Dont just say, "yes when the universe began." Let me refrase the question. Did the universe have a beginning? If so, what caused it? What was the beginning of that?
If everyone of your friends were to happen to die at the exact same moment, what would you do. Try and find new friends, push everyone away, sulk for enough time to get over the pain, or just kill yourself? Now think about your answer. Learn a lot about your self answering those type of questions.
-erik
3-4-00
This has been a horrible week. I get accused of "Hacking" and a credited course of mine
got cancled for a day because of the suspicions. Then theachers spread rumors causing
headaches and all sorts of trouble for my friends and I. Plus the school handled
everything so poorly that all of the students are complaining to us about our
"L33t Hax0ring" and how we should quit it. So now we are being harassed and are still
suspected of wrong doing. It is very annoying and unfair. Plus the dumbasses deleated
any proof related to the matter, and wouldn't even give us a fair chance to catch the
real trouble makers.
3-7-00
Nervous Breakdowns are fun. You should have one.
One day your life is the same as always, then you
realize that everything you do is meaningless. The
people you talk to are annoying, you get accused
of some random stuff, and people you thought you
could trust stab you in the back. Stick this all
in the course of 3 months, and thrown in some random
other problems, and boom, you don't really care anymore.
Monday I was euphoric, not worring about anything, then
I remembered I still had a life to live. There is
still to much I would like to do, plus giving up is lame.
So now I am back in a simular loop. Dosen't really make
much sense. Go through all this crap in my head over
the weekend and not come up with anything worth while.
I think christens deal with this sort of thing by turning
to god. I am just going to flip some parts of my life
around.
3-16-00
Just great. About a week after I get over a nervous break down, I get my heart broken worse than I though was going to happen. These are the times I really wonder why I even try.
3-18-00
Heartbreak is sometimes a good thing. It gets people talking.
I now think I have a far stronger relationship with the person
who broke my heart. If you want to buy a celeron 266 for $30
contact me.
3-23-00
Today started good... Then I woke up. After that it was so-so untill
after school. I managed to fix a problem that has been bothering me
for quite some time on a computer at leap. Too bad I can't seem to
get my cd burner to cooperate with me today. It is acting real wierd.
I can't quite figure out what the problem is yet. I managed to get
ditched by pretty much everyone, and I have already figured out a way
to make them all pay. I am quite proud of myslef. I am not yet mad
enough to go through with all the crap I thought up. It is pretty
creative though. I now have this total feeling that my life isn't
even going to start untill I am most of the way through college. I
have been even more bored with the normal crap recently, I have taken
up meditating. I doubt I do it quite right, but that is beside the
point. It is very relaxing, and I can pass the time. I have a stalker.
She (I assume and hope) keeps sending me links to little poems and stuff.
It is kind of nice, in a wierd sort of way. I will just go with the flow
and be appericative of the attention. My mp3 play list is just refusing
to go above 1500 songs. It is bothering me.
I am going to have to go on a downloading spree one of these days. The
weather has been nice this last week. Except for the rain which em seems
to like so much. I don't understand that girl. She is so backwords some
of the times. I talked to an old friend toinght through icq. It was
coo getting a chance to catch up a little. She had to go to bed, because
of school tomarrow. Now I am bored again. Hence the fact I am typing
this rant. I like phish. I got about 10 of their songs now, and they
are cool. Immediately jumped to one of my favorite bands. Else where in
my unorgaized thoughts, I guess I hate high school. It is such a waste of
time. You sit there all day, learing very little, yet staying unattached
because everything is just going to change in a few years. I am really
getting tired of letting life just happen. I want to get a move on, on my
life and where i'm going to be so I can do something that seems interseting.
Tell me, does anyone actually read this crap? If so send me a quick blurb
at [email protected]. There are people who ask if love exists. There
are also people who ask if oroigonality exists. I don't know the answer
to the first, but there is no such thing as orignal. At least not in the
most upheld sense of the word. Everything is inspired by somethings else.
That is why, when someone is throwing thier life away, you can't only blame
them; but also their family, frineds, your self, and anything else
possiable. But in that reasoning, no one is responsible for their own
actions. So I guess the burden of responsibility must be stuck back on the
loser, and all the other offenders set free. That is the only way it can
be. Is religion just a misguided attempt to fill an emotional void? If so,
isn't science the same attempt, just grounded in what can be seen and
touched? Ask your selves these questions when finding your faith. I don't
think I know what I believe today. Tomarrow things will be clear again, so
untill then I guess I should move on. How important are you? If you were
to disapper all of a sudden, would you be missed? Do you want to be missed?
Why am I asking all these wierd questions? Because I can...
That is the beauty of the internet. You can post all sorts of CRAP up, and
never even get an odd e-mail about it. It is great for venting, and for
making a profit. I do a lot more of the first than the second. Too bad.
I should go to bed, but I think I ate a few too many chocolat covered
coffie beans. I don't have a twitch, but I'm not very tired. Guess I
get to continue with my rant. What haven't I covered of this week? Hum,
thinking. I have an Idea that could make me millions. The only problem is
that I need money to pull it off. If you want to invest in my idea, I will
make sure you make more than you invest. Oops, my foot just fell asleep.
I just hate when the feeling comes back. Tingly pain is bad. I don't like
tingly pain. On a final thought. I probably hate you.
Erik's Rant
Some people like to start at the begining. Some try and give a little
intro. I don't know what I am going to do... This is to be wrote with
absoulty no planning, grammar checking, or spelling ability. What gets
put on the notepad, stays on the note pad. It will be the ultimate rant.
It is 4:06pm, pacific standard time, and I decided to begin the story.
It will have no definanat plot, beginning, ending, or even
reason for being. Sounds quite like life dosen't it? Maybe that is
what this story is about. Then again maybe not. There are two gods
in this story. One is named Bob, and the other is named Green. They
are both good fellows in one way or another. Bob is almost half of
the planet's best friend, and Green is worshiped by pretty close to
everyone. The God that the christans believe in dosen't even have the
value of a Pentium II 266mhz processor, when compared to these others.
Most of the christans worship these gods them selves, they just don't
see it.
People will believe almost anything set in front of them, as long as
they don't have a reason not to. The world will end in 3 days from
the time of the reading of this. But those 3 days can only be counted
after the final verse has been in existance for more than 2 days. So it
may not necessarly be the first time this is read. To further
complicate the matter, if this is read, after the 2 days since the
creation of the final verse, but on February 29; the world will then
end on the next leap year, but in March. If there is another
scheduling for the world to end, that contradicts the 3 day period
after the reading this story, and the 2 days have passed since the
creation of the final verse; this should be re-read to expiedate the
end of the world to exactly 42 seconds after the reading of the final
verse. If re-read and there is no pending ending of the world, there
is to be no effect upon the 3 day waiting pierod.
So Bob was all cozy in his home, and he was not very alert at the time,
when all of a sudden it struck him.
Green had been disturbed from his dark hinding place, he was again
being moved to a new location. His old on had become so lonely these
last few days anyway. He was now surrounded by leather. It might only
have been cow hide, he wasn't quite sure now. Either way it was nice.
A little tight, but nice. Well, actually it was so cramped, the fact
it was leather and or cow hide, didn't matter. Green need air.
Bob moved over to where he felt more comfortable. Bob likes leather, he
also likes cheese, but that is beside the point. The point was, Bob
could be near leather. The muffled screems for air were a little
bothersum, but they were muffled enought, it really didn't bother him
that badly.
Rain is an evil substance. Well, maybe the rain isn't evil, but the
effects of it are. Things get wet, the air becomes humid, and in the
winter, it is COLD. I hate rain. Bob hates rain. Green hates rain.
People are impossiable to completely understand. Not only for the fact
their past experiences are completely different than your own, or
because they are always changing, also because you affect anything
you measure. By attempting to understand someone, you change that
person, possiably so slightly it isn't noticed, but still there is
change. Green is one god who is very good at changing a person. He
has almost total control when they aspire to gain him, and once they
fear losing him. Bob does to an extent. He can be ignored if green is
in the way.
The desperate attempt to grasp something. The need for something more
to believe in; to strive for. The need to be part of something more
than your life. The large emotional gap, and fear of leaving it
unfilled. An excuse to say that your life didn't really matter, that
it was just a warm up. The reasons to hide the fact you didn't enjoy
every second of your time. Religion.
The need to grasp something. The fear you don't know everything. A
way to disprove those who may be right, you just don't want to be
wrong. An enlightening experience. The distraction from your
emptiness. Science.
The bliss of not understanding why everyone around is so worried. A
reason to complain that you are still working at a gas station. The
reason you are still poor. Why you don't know why they are laughing.
What you probably are. Stupid.
Steve needs his gods. They make him happy for a little. They help
him enjoy the evening.
"Who here has taken a vacation from their life? Who wants to go back
to the life they stepped out of recently?" If you answer yes to the
first and no to the second, you are probably abnormal. Most people
dislike things about their lives. Some say their life is boring.
Others say that they aren't loved by the ones around them. I don't
worry about the latter too much; if they don't like me, too bad, they
are stuck with me. The first one is getting to me though. I am very
bored with my life. I know that high school is a waste of time, and
the first few years of college are just a waste of money, but I also
realize that I need the peices of paper that show I put up with all
the crap involved in being in these places and times. Still annoying
as hell, but I guess there isn't much that can be done about it.
Worrying about things that can't be changed is retarded. You are not
only doing nothing of value, you are also depriving your self of doing
something that could be entertaining. People always dwell on the past.
They say, If only it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that
year in college. Or if I only would have talked to her a little, she
wouldn't have commited sucide. But you didn't, and your horse screwed
you over. Too bad, move on. I don't like funerals where people are
all depressed. The person is dead, he is out of this hell hole. Be
glad for him, and move on with your life. Your life is the most
important thing you have. Don't waste it worrying about things that
are not to help you out.
Sucide is also retarded. Life sucks so you kill your self. Where is
the fun in that? If you are going to throw your life in the trash
because everything around you is too much to handle, why not just
stop worring about the things around you. Quit your job, stop paying
the bills. Heck if you want, see how good of a bank robber you are, or
take some people with you if you are still going to be lame and kill
your self. Just try and avoid me. Today is a bad day to die.
Stop letting everything effect you so adversly.(I don't claim to be
good at spelling...). Why should Jill be allowed to ruin your life as
well as her own. If it dosen't have that much effect on your future,
why should you be so distressed over it? Given, some situtations do
cause you to get stressed out, and you should deal with them in a
proper manner, but why let the little crap get to you? How much of an
effect is Bill's actions going to have on anyone's life after a few
days? Not much.
Bob was awoke when his leather was take from him. He was angry, and
needed to vent some frustrations.
Green was hit by the blast of cold air and blinding light at the same
time. Finally he could breath again. He had come to the conclusing
that that must have been cow hide, leather was never so uncomfortable
before. After moving to a new, metal location, the lights again
went out, and he went to sleep laying upon a very beat up friend of
his.
Lonely again, Bob decided it was time to get attention. He streached
out and was messaged. After a little of this he was happy again.
Steve was quit content to be sitting at home, watching his tv. He had
a nice sub he bought at the store, and the X files were on. Another
commerical. Damn. Steve hates commericals. They are what keeps
television on, but they are what will soon drive away those who are
supposed to be viewing them.
Mornings are evil. I know there will always be mornings, because if
the day started at noon, everyone would hate noon. I just hate being
force to wake up way before my natural resting period is over. I don't
get that much sleep as it is.
Morals are a very unique concept. They are the fibers that hold our
civilization togeather. Morals are learned because we have a need to
be near others. To be near others we need to have a way of showing
that we can be trusted. We also need to be able to trust them. We do
so by forming an opinion of the other person. Like if you see some
young blond girl who is sitting there reading her e-mail, many people
immediately assume that she is probably a little ditzy, but she is
nice. She probably wouldn't go out and kill a house full of children
at a day care. We assume that she has a moral code that prevents her
from doing acts that would go aginst the grain of society. Thus we
have some basis for trust. If that girl were to then go out and kill
hundreds of people, who's fault would it be? Yours for not stopping
her, her's becuse she did it, her parents because they are the ones
who should have instilled these morals in her? We can't just go and
blame everyone, even thought it is everyone's fault. To blame the
parents is also going out on a limb after she is 18. So the blame
falls squarely on her. True a large amount of the culprits go free,
but that is an unavoidable part of life.
People need rules to live by. Take the 10 commandments. They are all
basic rules that most people believe are needed to build and maintain
a society. They dictate to you a good base to build your morals on.
The 10 commands are probably the best thing to come out of the bible.
They attempt to build a culture of trust and happiness. You know if
your neighbor is a true christan, he wouldn't do your wife. But there
are so many people who claim to be christan who break their own rules,
that type of trust dosen't fully exist. I personally would never have
sex with another man's wife. That isn't cool. But I am the only
person I can truly trust. Good old Green and Bob are the motaviation
for many of the sins(breaking of 10 commandments) that are committed.
Morning, the evil time again. It always seems to attack you when you
least expect it, or want it. The light light was dim. Green, awoke by
the sound of the chash register opening, looked about. The next sight
was of Steve's hand. Then back to the confines of the cow hide. This
time Green had company at least.
Bob didn't appericate all this commotion. It was morning and he was
still confused. True he was with the leather again, but Steve's runing
was quite unconfortable.
Steve had finally come to the conclusion he was out of cash, so he
robbed a grocery store. As he was running allong he was trying to
decide if the robbery was a good idea. First he is afraid of getting
caught, but he is so unhappy being poor, that his fear is lost. He
can only think of what he is going to get with the hundred dollars he
managed to grab. Food, a telephone, and some beer. There are the
necessities of life. Now at his apartment, Steve knows he got away
with the theft.
Is there a reason behind what happens to us? Are we bound by some odd,
undetectable force called fate? Has our lives been planned out for us,
meaning that we are just allong for the ride? Of course not. Don't
be stupid. You can't control certian circumstances, and some things
do turn out odd, but that dosen't mean that there was a higher meaning.
I think that looking to fate is a way of hiding from the fact you don't
want to have to own up too what you are.
Does true love exist? That depends on what you call true love. I have
a hunch that what one feels for another is completly different for each
individule that the one has feelings for. Looking for love will most
likely not get you anywhere. Just let life happen. If you manage to
find a person that you are very drawn to, then make a small effort
to talk to that person. If things work out to where you come to an
agreement on how you feel about each other, then good for you.
Probably one of the most annoying situtations is when you are very
drawn to a person who dosen't seem to have near the same feelings.
It can be very hard (impossiable) to completely get over the person.
You end up trying to just move on, hoping to find someone as good some
day.
Life re-evalutation is something that can be very challenging. It
requires that you take as clear as view a possiable of your life,
analyze it, accept that you are worthless, then accept that you
accomplished nothing. Well, with the exception of maybe a headache and
the same tomarrow as before.
Steve, with his beer and food, while talking on the phone to his
girlfriend, attempted re-evaluating his life. He remembered that
he is a bum, with no cash, who lives in a rundown apartment. He
realizes that his girlfriend dosen't really care for him, for she is
just too nice to get rid of him. He realizes that he could have been
something if he had tried. But, instead, he dropped out and took the
first job he could find. He then wonders what his life could have
been like, and if he would have been happy in it either. He was so
happy yesterday, why not today?
When Steve isn't happy, Bob isn't happy. Green just dosen't care.
Green is stuck with the same purpose no matter what. He is a usless
tool of man. Bob is also. They rule our lives, yet they are hoplessly
stuck to coexist with us. So much power, yet so worthless.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes it easier to find.
People put way too much emphisis on trivial knowledge. Reasoning
skills and the ability to think by ones self should be pushed more at
school.
People also fail to realize that their lives don't start untill they
are almost out of college. Some brave souls leave earily and gamble on
thier futute. They hope they can beat the odds and become 'sucessful'.
It is true that you don't need anything but determination and a good
idea to make a comfortable living for yourself, but why gamble with
your future? Waste a few more years, maybe something good will come of
it.
It is my life and I will waste it as I see fit. That is one of the
freedoms we should have the honour of experiencing.
Old quotes, wrote in 1999 by I.
Religion is a form of self-hypnotism. Prayer it the exceresing of this.
Take a third person perspective on everything.
Don't believe anything you are told, but accept it for the time being.
Think before acting, except in love.
In an arguement, don't use jake unless it is the only out. Eg. bob,
phil, george... jake.
Ranting is a great way to release stress. Not only do you get to
think about what you are stressing over, but you also get to submit
others to it. Sometimes good ideas come of this. Maybe if Steve
would have tried this, he wouldn't have jumped off the top of his
apartment building to his death.
Bob's story also ends here. Green however moves on. Steve's girl
friend got his walet. Green was later traded for some chocolate to
comfort Diana(steve's girlfriend).
Diana was having enough trouble finding here p
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Latest reply: Jul 16, 2000
othererik
Researcher U142606
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