Journal Entries
When it rains, it pours......
Posted Jun 30, 2000
I hate life sometimes. One moment you can be going along, maybe not perfectly content but well enough, and the next you are cast into a pit of molten hell.
I just recieved word today that a friend of mine was killed. Apparently, he was wondering on some railroad tracks and a train came a callin. No one is sure if he was just drunk, or trying to commit suicide. Damn it! Suicide is such a cowardly act... life may be hard, but it's the challenge of living that makes it all worth while. My sister and her husband are down there now, trying to console his family in any way possible. I wasn't able to go, I had work and other previous engagments to tend to.
Why did he do it? Was life so unbearable that he felt as if he must end his life? This may sound cold and heartless, but I have no pity for him. I almost hold him in contempt... how dare he ruin the lives of so many others with such a selfish action? Sure, life sucks, but that's just the way it is. You stick it out and keep on living. I don't know... this has just been one of those weeks. I'm just hating life at the moment.
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Latest reply: Jun 30, 2000
Oy veh.......
Posted Jun 29, 2000
Have you ever had one of those "Open mouth, insert foot" kind of days? Everything I've said today somehow managed to come out all wrong. I ended up offending people when my intent was to crack a funny joke.
I know I have a rather odd sense of humour, and I know that some people just don't get it. But man, was today ever a case study in the failed jokes of one simple fool (who would be me, by the way). I guess I just need to think a bit more before I rattle off some stupid comment or another. Ohh well, such is life I suppose.
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Latest reply: Jun 29, 2000
The beginning of the end
Posted Jun 28, 2000
Good God, why must life be as it is? I had what you might call an epiphany today... I really, really hate my job. I'm not too keen on how my social life is going at the moment either.
As of late, I've been queitly looking in on the lives of the few friends I have. Some are happy, some are sad, some are just surviving. I'm not sure why I had this sudden awaking, I've known my life is screwed up for a few years now. Maybe it's seeing one of my closest friends getting torn apart my his unrequited love that did it. Would I fare any better? Do I even try to find a woman that I could love? It's been far too long since I've felt that warmth in my heart... that giddyness that comes with knowing I'm with someone I care deeply for.
All this hit me whilst driving my tug around. I was docking with an airplane, and then it was as if the entire world stopped. I realized that my life, such as it is, was useless. I'm not doing anything anymore. I get up, I do whatever menial tasks I had planned for the day, I go to work, I come home. It's a cycle that has ruled my life for far too long.
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Latest reply: Jun 28, 2000
The gods must be crazy
Posted Jun 27, 2000
I spent seven hours, of what I can only describe as pure hell, sitting in a board room, requalifying for my tug license. Granted, this will help to pad my check nicely, but still.... it was just plain awful.
It's funny, I don't really like my job that much. Sure, I get plenty of excersice and it helps to pay the bills, but it's just not what I envisioned myself doing. I don't know, maybe it's time I moved on.
Sitting there, listening to the instructor drone on endlessly about ramp safety and whatnot, I turned my thoughts inward. I really want to get out of there. It's just not as fun as it used to be. I know, I know, work isn't necessarily supposed to be fun. But when I first started working there, every night was a blast. Good people, lots of camraderie... it was just something to look forward to.
Now going into work each night is a feat of testicular fortitude... i.e., I see if I've got the balls to keep going in. 
One of these days I'll finally get everything straight in my twisted head and just get the hell out.
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Latest reply: Jun 27, 2000
Like a screen-door on a submarine
Posted Jun 26, 2000
That's about as useful as I feel at the moment. First, a little background.
A good friend of mine meets this woman. He is immediately taken with her. He finds himself calm and at peace when being around her. But due to some rather trying forays into love in his past, he is afraid to act on his feelings. So he continues to keep his feelings hidden, hoping that one day she will make the first move.
Unfortuantly, that day never came. As of yesterday, she is apparently involved with someone else. What's the problem you ask? Well, the man she is seeing now happens to be a good friend of his. He won't begrudge another man of his happiness so, as far as I can tell, he has decided to let go for the moment.
This whole situation is tearing him up inside. He may not show it, but I know the pain is there. What can I do? He's been one of my best friends for almost ten years, and I can't just let him suffer with no end in sight. A few of us (other friends) tried to give him advice as to how to approach her and begin the relationship. Well, obviously, that fell flat. I'm not Dr. Love, and I make to pretense to say that I am. But I've given him the best answers that I can; we all have.
So what do I tell him? What the hell can I do or say that will help him out?
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Latest reply: Jun 26, 2000
Drache
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