Journal Entries
Back again and nothing changes
Posted Oct 21, 2000
My birthday has come and gone, as did my Hawaii vacation. The results of this merriment? Not much I'm saddened to say. Sure, I can now legally enter the various drinking establishments and get as toasty as I want to become... but where does that leave me? I'm still a socially inept moron at this point in my life. Meeting any kind of woman for whom I could fall in love with seems a distant and fading hope.
Hawaii was fun. Sun, sand, surf and the hot women in bikini's. But still, where does that leave me? Back home, working in my hellish job, and trying desperately to hold on to the fading memories of a better chapter in my life.
I don't know why I can't seem to take the reins and point myself in a beter direction than the one currently traveled. Fear? Maybe. I'll admit it, failure does not appeal to me. Now don't get me wrong, if I happen to miss this package or misplace this can door whilst at work, it's like water off of a ducks back. I don't let those kind of petty mistakes get me down. The failure of which I speak runs deeper... the kind of failure I've experienced in the past... the kind that haunts my every waking moment. I want to go to school, I want to find a better job, I want to meet the lady of my dreams who can make the darkness recede in the presence of her light. Lofty to be sure, but it's what I want nonetheless. I could go to school, I could find a better job, hell, I could probably even find a woman. But I don't want to makes a half-assed affair out of everything. If I do it, I want it done the right way. The only thing is, I don't how.
Fear, ladies and gentlemen, is what halts my progress on lifes winding road. I'm afraid that I'll go to school, and find out I'm a simpleton among the elite. I'm afraid that I will go in search of a better job, to find out that I am woefully underqualified or just not what they are currently looking for. I'm afraid that I will approach a woman that I care for, and be laughed at.
Is this self-pity? Most assuredly. But I can only damn that which I am powerless to change. People always tell me, "You can do whatever you want! You're good looking! You're smart, you're funny..." The list goes on. Funny, isn't it, how all these people tell me that I'm all I could ever want, and yet I find myself falling deeper and deeper into the abyss. Ah well, I shall forge on.
Well, that's about it. I need to move, to think, to do something to awaken the dying fire inside me.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Oct 21, 2000
Aloha......
Posted Aug 31, 2000
Well, I turn 21 in three days. I'm not that worried/excited about it. It's just another day to work through. Don't get me wrong, I plan on going out and having a good time. But I don't hold much faith that it will be an awe inspiring, earth shattering affair. No, I'm holding all of my expectations for what will happen a few weeks later.......
I'm Hawaii bound my friends, and I simply can't wait. I plan on having so much fun it will probably be illegal! 
I don't care if a typhoon strikes... I'll be out in the rain playing volleyball! Ah, to be 21 and in Hawaii... it should be a great time. If, by some disastrous stroke of infernal intervention, it turns out to be a dud, well... I hear that medical labs pay big bucks for human test subjects.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 31, 2000
Once more unto the breach....
Posted Aug 12, 2000
This day has been a trial for me. I found out earlier today that my grandfather has cancer. It's a brutal condition that rarely leaves it's victims completely whole after they learn they are infected. He seems different now, weaker... not the man I grew up with. I've lost one grandfater, and the thought of losing another on crushed my spirit. I mentioned this in an earlier entry, but it seems more relevant now than ever. Is there really a plan for all of us? Or are we just coasting along the cosmos, bumping into one another until our inevitable demise? I don't know anymore. I've never been what you might call a religious man... mainstream religion has become to mired in politics and deception to warrant my trust. I believe in God, the Christian God if one must attach a label to it. I was raised, not in an overly religious home, but one which revered God and all the wonder he saw fit to bestow on this dank ball of dirt we call Earth. But lately, I can't seem to escape the conclusion that, God or not, the cosmic machinations that swirl around us are just wrong. My grandfather need not die, his sins are not unforgivable. Why leave a widow after forty some odd years of marraige? Why leave her scared and alone?
I just don't know anymore. I know this entry is choppy and disjointed, but I can't articulate my thoughts right now... emotion rules the day. Life is too hard to bear sometimes, streching me to the breaking point. But I'm here for the duration, and damn all who stand in my way.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 12, 2000
Short, sweet and to the point
Posted Aug 2, 2000
I hate work.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Aug 2, 2000
Wonders never cease
Posted Jul 7, 2000
Amazingly enough, life has taken a rather decent turn for me. Granted, work is still hell, and my social life is pretty much nil.... but I feel good all the same.
Maybe it's something in the air, maybe it's just the fates being fair for once... or maybe I'm just going insane. Whatever way you look at it, life is good for the moment. Let's just hope it stays that way.
Discuss this Journal entry [1]
Latest reply: Jul 7, 2000
Drache
Researcher U140381
Write an Entry
"The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It has been compiled and recompiled many times and under many different editorships. It contains contributions from countless numbers of travellers and researchers."