h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

it all started on 15th may 1978 i was all a loan
sitting in the front room watching t,v, when there was
a bang outside i jumped up and looked out side and what i saw
was unhuman it looked like a cross between a anteater and a

big rat a very big rat it was eating next doors dog
i ran to the phone pick it up to ring the police
when my front door opened with a bang it was in the
house i jump behind the sofa i could hear it moving room to room
it was looking for me it made a funny sound as it moved
i when to the window and i lifted it up climed out
just before i got out i turned it was to late it pulled me back in
and eat me.

it all stared back in 74 i was at school
i was on my way home when i bumped in to an old girlfriend
she was 4 years old than me she told me that she had been
out all night but she could'nt remember were she had been
i did notice that her hair was burn and her face was all red
she stared laughing out loud then she stared crying
i said want on earth as happen to you. how did you end up
like this she said it's coming back to how i was going to meet a man i chat on the web with he ask me to meet him at the bus stop
at kings cross he would be in a dark blue jacket and blue jeans
he sound like a very nice guy good looking very sexy.
well i got there and waited for about an hour when a red jag
turn up the door open it was him get in he said i jump in
not thinking the door closed he put is foot down there was a funny smell in the car a sweet sort of smell i was getting sleepy
the next thing i no is a loud bang he had crash the car and it was on fire. i said where did this happen .she turn her haed and said over there i could see a car on fire there were police and fire crew
there i said weres the man she he's alrighrt i'm the one who's dead. the end.

the alarm clock go's off every morning at the same time
6:30 i get up go to the bathroom the same thing five times a
week just waiting for the weekend to come round well this
morning was diffrent the alarm when off at 3:00 i woke up
thinking it's to early to get up i saw a white light
coming from the bathroom it was very bright i walk in to the bathroom
and now i'm looking down at my bed and i could see myself lying on
the bed i was dead.
the end.

i had just spent 6 weeks in hospital

having been in a car crash i was lucky to be a live
i was waiting for my wife to come and pick me up
the nurse came in the room and said it's time to go
i said is the wife here the nurse said go out the door
turn left then right and left again
i walked out of the door and i fell down a great big hole
i looked down as i was falling and saw there was fire
everywhere and it was very hot i was going to hell
i was dead.
the end.

one day i will win the lotto
i said this every week if i was lucky i would win a tenner
proberly once every two or three months anyway i when out and got my ticket for saturday's lotto i was sitting there waiting for it to come on i made a cup of coffee then it started the man on the show said #2 #23 #45 #9 #25 #11 and the bonus #33 i got my ticket out
i started to check it i look and saw i had all six numbers
i jump out of chair run out side in the street fell over next doors cat and fell in the road i looked up and saw a lorry speeding down the road i jump up and went to run the lorry hit me and kill me.
the end.

a day at the fair.
i went to the fair today we had a great day i drop everybody home
then made my way home i stop at the fish & chips shop
to get cod & chips i was waiting for them when this woman said
if you give me £5.00 you can do what ever you fancy with me
i looked her up and down she was pretty fit proberly mid 30's
i said what's the catch she said my husband can't get it up
i said what's the fiver for she said to buy him fish and chip's
i said ok were can we go .i picked up my food and we left the shop
she said let's go down hear we walk down the alley to we came to a door she got her key out and we went in she started to strip off
i looked a round the place . i said were you old man she said he's in bed a sleep don't worry he can't walk let's do it now i need it bad she jump on me i fell to the ground and bang my head on the corner of the door my head was bleeding badly she would'nt stop
she lasted no more than 10 to 15mins she got of me and said your can f##k off now it was to late i was dead. the end.

what a lovely day blue sky sunny i when to the lake it's got a lovely view there i was sitting on the grass i heard something behind me i turned it was a bear one of this paws hit me on the side of my head it picked me up and chuted me in the lake i could'nt swim i went under the water i was dead. the end.

mission to mars 2032
it was 12th may 2032
we was on how way everything
was going to plan
there was just one thing
that bovered me i had an in growing
toe nail which was driving me up the wall
the funny thing was i had it treated before we left
but it seems to be growing even quicker than before
i asked the medical officer to have a look
i tolk my shoe off then my sock my toe had got bigger
she gave me pain releaf and started to cut it
as soon as she put the knive on my skin
it happen a worm like thing jumped out of my toe
wrap it's self round her neck and slowly kill her
then it when back in my toe i shout to the other
crew members for help .when they got there
they put me in handcuff and lock me up they did'nt belive
me and control that i had murdered her this was no true
they would'nt listen .
every night the worm would leave my big toe and murder a crew member
how everybodys dead i'm on my own
so i plan to kill it but how.

it came and laied on the table
i was playing some music i picked up a hammer
and as the music got louder i hit it and said




tate that you worm cant you hear it's take that .
the silly end.