Adam Yardley

Hello. I'm a newbie. A rushing newbie. This introduction is currently not very good. It is, in fact, so bad that a warning will be published in the Guide. Later, this somewhat feeble welcoming message will be replaced by a stronger, smarter, funnier, and altogether more suitable to be used in the gene-pool introduction. Not now though. Later.

If anyone wants to send me little tid-bits of useful information - about entries they've written, about particularly good entries, that sort of thing, it would make me feel most welcome and grateful.

As promised elsewhere, here is a sample of my writing. Anyone who can offer help will be listened to attentively, as comedy and article writing is currently my main source of income.


THE OLYMPICS!
This is why I hate the Olympics, and I’ve felt this since about age eleven.
I HATE DRESSAGE, AND ALL THAT IT STANDS FOR. So here goes…
The Olympics had their beginnings, as we all know, in Ancient Greece. There, the Greeks would invite their enemies to lay down their weapons, and join in sporting competition. Of course, when they got there, the Greeks would snatch up their weapons again, and hack their enemies into little pieces, but, ideally, that doesn’t happen. Back then, the only events were Running Naked, Jumping Naked, Throwing Things Naked, and Rhythmic Sportive Gymnastics, With Hoop, Ball, or Ribbon.
These days, we have Synchronized Swimming, Ice Dancing, and, as I previously mentioned, Dressage. Now, far be it from me to attempt some sort of historical interpretation, but all the events they had then were events that folks would engage in INSTINCTIVELY. Little girls and boys run out into the playground at lunch time, and say “let’s have a running race, let’s have a jumping competition, let’s have a throwing contest!” even something like Triple Jump- “Make it you have to jump three [or “free”] times!” These kids never run out at little lunch and say: “Who can make a horse trot sideways? Who can WALK the fastest?” (The walking races are just crap. If you want to get there quickly, RUN for God’s sake!). So, the modern Olympics betray the ideal of “pure and simple competition.”
Yet another parallel can be drawn. In the playground, as in Ancient Greece, success in these events meant something. No one wants to be in a game of tips against the fastest runner, and everyone wants them to courier urgent messages. No one is going to throw stuff at the throwing champion, and no one wants to be chucking javelins at the javelin champion. No one wants to mess with the boxing champion, and no one wants to mess with the boxing champion. Yet, if I saw an “Olympic” Equestrian champion in the street, I’d happily chase after them, throw things at them, and punch them in the face.
This purist approach is not supposed to steal from the international flavour of the Games. I think Speed Skating is cool. It’s just like long distance sprinting for people in icy places. I think Tae Kwon Do is cool, too, it’s just like boxing for people with a bit of flair. Fencing is in. Skiing is in. Ice Dancing is bulls**t. Swimming is in. Synchronized Swimming is bullshit. Discus, Hammer Throw, Shot put, are all in. Soccer, Cricket, Tennis, although they’re good games, shouldn’t be there. Rifle Shooting’s a moot point; because it, to us today, is what Javelins were to the Ancient Greeks, but it still kind of sucks. Maybe they could have a Bomb Dropping competition. Every four years the world would give America a little gold star for still being the worlds most dangerous nation. Hockey, Basketball… you get the idea.
The annoying catch-phrase “Stronger, Faster, Higher” does not need “Prettier” added to it, or “Classier”, or “Wealthier” for that matter. If it were an affair where looks were considered important, would the Ancient Greeks have had the male sexual organs on display? Also, I suppose, the weightlifters would have to pass some sort of “puke test” to be allowed to compete, which would be a little unfair, especially considering how picky some people can be these days.
My ideal solution is to invent a time machine, bring a unit of Spartan soldiers forward in time, train them in laughing derisively, and get them to stand and guffaw near every event that they can’t see the immediate value of. Tennis: “MWA HA HAA! I could kill that hairy bloke with a javelin, even if the net was twice as high!” “These little balls don’t hurt at all!” Equestrian: “If I ran, I’d catch that person, then what? Is their horse gonna prance me to death?” Rhythmic Sportive Gymnastics: “It was a mistake. We shouldn’t have included it”
Aside from the intricate physics required for the time machine, this solution is, in essence, pretty thuggish. However, for people who know their Ancient History, people who still cling to the faintly romantic notion of it being wonderful when a Kenyan wins a few long distance races, and that sporting competition, for both men and women, shouldn’t have too much paraphernalia, it seems appropriate. As it stands, I don’t have a time machine, I don’t have any industry clout, and I’m just a lone, irritated idealist, writing satirical articles.


1. Incidentally, the Ancient Greeks were the first to make dick jokes an art form. When they had drama festivals, there would be tragedies, which involved penises only obliquely, and then comedies, which usually made a feature of characters with gargantuan “costume props” of a very phallic nature. In my opinion, they were only the first because they were around first. Pretty obvious joke, if you ask me.
2. Not that I think this is a bad thing, but sniff, sniff.
3. Satire, also, is an invention of the Ancient Greeks; it occasionally featured in their comedy, alongside dick jokes (see footnote 1). It comes from “Satyr”, a half-man, half-goat- an incarnation of the God of Wine (and drunken mischief) Dionysus, who was a patron god of their drama festivals.

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